Category: biological clock

biological clock, dating, parenthood, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

connection

thesolomamaproject

Well, I’m stuck tapping this out on my iPad as I didn’t feel like carrying my laptop to the bar but feel compelled to share how the evening went.

I got too late of a start leaving the office to meet RV guy, and ended up bursting into the bar 17 minutes late, out of breath and apologizing. He was all smiles and and already set up with his beer and chatting with people at the bar. I ordered soda with lime (thinking “I’ll explain this later”) and pretty instantly felt right at home catching up with him. Within the first 10 minutes or so, he referenced his live-in girlfriend (news to me)–the same one who traveled around with him for a year and a half in the RV before I met him. I had put her down in history as proof that he couldn’t be made to settle down no matter how much the woman literally and figuratively “got on board.” Now she’s in school and 40 and, in his words, “resigned” about their future (as in resigned to the uncertainty of their future), and they’re living in a 325 square foot apartment while he sorts out challenging tenant issues in the other units of this building he owns that have spoiled his time back in the city and make him crave the Sierras again.

Then he said he wants to sail around the world for 2-3 years, and I belly-laughed and told him I just love him and he will always be That Guy to me. Confirmation that he hasn’t, and probably will never, change, and it’s really a beautiful thing (and I don’t need to worry about where the girlfriend fits in even though that was my next question).

When the conversation turned to me, I laid the Solo Mama Project on him. His reaction was unexpectedly and hugely and vehemently supportive. I instantly saw the connection–here I am acting like him: empowered, independent, chasing my dream, going against the grain. He acted like I solved the mystery of how to acceptably procreate. We talked about it for a long time. Eventually we got to the meaning of life and he thinks it is to have fun and I think it is to experience love. Next thing we knew we’d worked through 4 plates of tapas, I’d had 5 soda waters to his 4 Racer 5’s, and it was after 9.

He gave me a ride home in his WAY-too-big-for-the-city pickup truck (looks like a pickup truck that ate a pickup truck), got out to give me a hug and a kiss and I have to say it was the most lovely night, warm breezes and a bright moon, and he is still not right for me but I felt loved anyway. For all my frustration with him three years ago, I admire the adventurous spirit of that boy and it was nice to feel that he also admires it in me.

biological clock, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

writing about writing

thesolomamaproject

Wheeee! What an honor to receive such sweet comments! Plus, wordpress tells me that my site has been viewed 68 times, which I’m guessing is about a dozen visitors plus me checking back every half an hour… I know that blogging can be somewhat of a one-way street, so it’s really nice to get feedback, and I hope you loudmouths will keep it up.

Completely aside from the topic of trying to get pregnant, I’m excited to have a writing project. My last adventure in writing was when I took a Personal Essay class at the Writing Salon around the time I turned 30 and was heartbroken over the end of a long relationship. The class turned out to be all women. We dug up these super emotionally-charged topics from our own lives and everyone would be nodding and smiling and crying because we’d all been there and it was really more like therapy. When you’re going through a hellish time, it’s so important to remember just how many people are or were in your boat. Because it’s pretty much everyone. That’s an easy one to forget, and so consoling to remember.

After that class, I got away from writing creatively for many years. I keep a journal but honestly have become lazy over the fact of having to handwrite it. When I think to myself: What have I not done yet with my life that I would regret if it all ended tomorrow? What comes up for me is: “I haven’t written my book.” (And, “I haven’t started a family” but you knew that one.) It’s so silly and cliché and American, but there it is. Hopefully it’s also a commentary on how I’ve done pretty well with this one wild and precious life, with no major regrets that I can think of, just gratitude…it seems like things have turned out the way they needed to.

Including doing this without a partner. Somewhere in the years of casually considering and the 6 months of seriously planning, I adjusted to the idea of becoming a single mom. By choice. (Or, as some call it, a “choice mom” which sounds totally weird to me, as in, “That’s a choice mom,” or “Check out the MILF!) Not that I wouldn’t prefer doing this with someone. Do I even have to say that? Of course I would rather share parenthood with someone I love who helps out and gives foot massages and brings in a whole second income.

But the plain fact was that when the music stopped at the end of my 30s, I was left standing. It’s ridiculous! Unacceptable! Unfair! How could it be?? says the chorus of friends and family as well as the one in my mind in moments of high self esteem. But… it just is. And: it’s not forever. I’m convinced that ultimately I couldn’t be at peace in a relationship until I resolved this. So, that divorced dad is somewhere down the road, and he will think I am the most courageous and passionate lady he’s ever met. Or maybe I’ll meet him tomorrow, shoot! I’m not off the market yet, people! Or maybe he’ll read my bestselling book. Or see the movie. That’ll seal the deal.

biological clock, breakup, depression, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

a little bit on how i got here

thesolomamaproject

OK, moving nonchalantly into daily posting. I will act as though I didn’t already change the name of this blog 8 times since last night. doo doo dooooo

Except I did. But now I’ve landed on “the solo mama project: one baby step at a time.” I love it because it incorporates all the important aspects of my journey: I am choosing to become a mom on my own, and this is an enormous project that, like any enormous project, can only really be done in tiny steps. Baby steps. Every day, I have maybe one step to take. Later on, there may be several, or it may feel like all the steps need to be taken at once, or like stepping has turned into a big exhausted tangle. But that’s when someone will remind me to check back in with the Buddha who brings me back to the present. The path IS the goal, yo.

What led up to this decision?

When my last serious relationship ended last fall, I signed up the next day to become a member of www.singlemothersbychoice.org and began hatching my plan to become pregnant on my own. I had been so impatient for so long. This was the most recent of a series of relationships where my desire to be a mom had become a liability. The clock was ticking so loudly I could barely make it past the first date without verbal confirmation that he wanted kids “someday.” My ears were spectacularly calibrated to pick up even mumbled/drunk references to the possible future existence of his/our kids and/or any reference to settling down of any kind: saving money, buying a house, launching a business. I could piece together the future that I wanted for us (i.e. a family) based on these casual throwaway comments, and find out later, in the throes of the breakup, that he “wasn’t even thinking about that stuff.” The natural timeline of a relationship (for all of its better/worse elements) was ultimately usurped by my own body’s natural timeline and my body won but not without a lot of hardship–in those last few months of the relationship, I was barely sleeping, had nonstop anxiety, and, finally, depression. I was not on the right path, at all.

I wouldn’t say I’ve ever been “baby crazy” in the sense of crying during baby commercials or hating all my friends with babies or going ballistic if there’s a baby in the room and I’m not holding it. Baby crazy in kind of a rational way. The fact is that women do not remain fertile forever. Technology has allowed women to get pregnant later and later but that’s no easy road no matter what the celebrity magazines report. My ex said plaintively, “Can’t you just keep running marathons?” Well, no, honey. That’s just ignorant.

My therapist has gently checked in with me about once a year for the last few years on pursuing the solo mom track: are you ready now to maybe begin researching what this would entail to do it on your own? And every year I considered and it with some distaste; it just sounded wrong. I wasn’t ready, wanted to keep looking, give the search for a partner a little more time. This time, I was ready. In fact, I was sneaking browsing sessions on the SMC site even before the breakup, as if I were cheating or looking at porn. I gave myself until the end of 2011 to finalize the decision, started meeting SMCs (Single Moms by Choice), researching sperm banks, looking at my insurance and finances. At the very end of the year, I took a solo trip to the Grand Canyon to have a heart-to-heart with the universe. We shook on it.

And where am I today?

Fast forward through starting up prenatal vitamins, getting checkups, going off all meds (including Paxil), getting set up with the sperm bank, and one missed cycle in March, and I have now had my first IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination). I am 6 days in! There is either the most joyful, magical, miraculous thing taking place in my body, or not. The wait is 2 weeks before a home preg test would show conclusive results, and I’m doing well with the uncertainty so far although the ladies on the SMC discussion boards uniformly go nuts in week 2.

In these months of planning, I have absolutely re-found my path. After all my struggles with insomnia last summer, I am now sleeping impeccably. I feel the full landscape of possible emotions and I use the tools at my disposal when they get overwhelming. One will be this blog, so please forgive me in advance for TMI and overdone venting.

Please stay tuned for Week 2: Crazytown!