Month: April 2012

dating, IUI, ovulation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

Round 2!

thesolomamaproject

It was reported to me through the grapevine that Mr. Michigan thought I was “cool” but isn’t interested in dating me. Which I hope we can all agree is completely OUTRAGEOUS! I know my readership will get behind me on this one. I am instantly aware of five million reasons we were a terrible match to start with, coupled by the fact that he has dubious taste in women and may even have a criminal record in my home state.

OK…just because I felt a pang of tenderness in my dating-weary, Grinch-y little heart doesn’t mean that I will now collapse in a spiral of self-loathing. I’m hopeful that the big Significance of the encounter I was searching for yesterday is actually that I’m a) finally leaving high school behind me (har har!) and/or b) that my heart is opening up to the beginning of the end of a relatively long guy-atus. We shall see.

So, my first attempt at bringing you legitimate dating drama has been short-lived… but, on the bright side, I scored a positive OPK today, which means that I have a date tomorrow at 4pm with the REAL man in my life: my donor. Yes! It’s time to gear up for Round #2! I am enjoying my last night before the dreaded two week wait but also looking forward to being maybe-pregnant as there sure are a lot of babies and pregnancies around me (congrats to my prego friend in Colombia as well as to my friend M who gave me Mojo and gave birth to a perfectly glorious baby boy 2 days ago!).

Ms. R, who is exactly and precisely always getting her period when I am ovulating and vice versa, unfortunately got the news from AF today about not being pregnant this cycle. I am eating ice cream tonight in solidarity with her. The good thing about our flip-flopped cycles is that one of us is always stable enough to counsel the other one’s freakouts. On the downside, we will never get drunk together ever again.

And: I have a date date on Friday night with a guy from online. I won’t waste my or your time with any details except to say that he’s an amazing musician and fully aware of my baby project (got that off my chest in email #2). (Mr. Mich would have never been so open-minded!)

Here’s to IUI #2 and this egg meeting that sperm: gogogogo!

dating, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

chance

thesolomamaproject

I’m blogging on my iPad while getting a pedicure. And I won’t apologize!

Today was wonderful–I love coming home to SF, especially gaining those 3 hours back that were painfully lost on the way to the east coast. I fell asleep at 10 last night and leisurely awoke at 6 to armies of birds welcoming the morning with their songs. Those three hours brought me back to civilization, with warm breezes and a slow cup of coffee.

My first plan of the day was to attend a toddler birthday party in Golden Gate Park. To save time, I decided to combine it with my morning run by running there with gift in hand (fortunately not as awkward as it sounds since it was a thin book that tucked neatly under my arm). Meanwhile, the birthday boy’s mom had texted me that her friend’s husband’s friend would be there and she wanted to set me up. All she said was that he’s 6’1″. She had read a recent post of mine here about taking steps toward dating while in trying-to-conceive-mode, and this guy “wants kids” and therefore may not freak out about “hanging out with someone pregnant” and I really do appreciate it (hint, hint) when friends keep me in mind for the eligible bachelors who cross their path, especially ones that for some strange reason seem compatible with my plans.

Showing up post 5-mile run was therefore not setting me up to look my “best,” but you know what? Getting my run in was more important, and shows me at my best in a whole other way. Plus, even with friends’ best intentions, they’ve been known to choose guys for me who are just wildly wrong to the point where I wonder if they know me at all. (Sometimes I’ve suspected them of having their own crush and wanting to live vicariously.) So I hedged my bets and picked the cutest running gear.

This time, EJ did good. At first glance across the playground, he was kind of ridiculously handsome. We eyed each other from a distance for a while, both of us in on the plan, until I went over to meet him, wearing at that point a multitude of borrowed clothing because I was so freezing out there in the fog post-run. Wishing I was dressed, if not to the nines, then at least a little less like someone who lived in the park.

Everyone around us suddenly evacuated, and we had a nice chat. He was solicitous and friendly and I momentarily forgot about my baseball cap, frizzy ponytail, and giant flannel plaid shirt. At some point, I said, “So I heard that you lived in Michigan?” (I’d been filled in on this detail on my way in.)

“Actually, I’m from Michigan.”

“Oh..me too.”

We’d been walking, and at this point he turned and faced me, amused, and the next part felt like theater, “Where in Michigan.”

Yes–we are from the same small town.

He took a step back (now he looked spooked) and said “What’s your last name?” and I said “What’s your last name?”

I knew his last name. His younger brother was in my class. A nice, popular guy with a big smile who was shorter and less handsome than the guy in front of me.

I don’t think we quite recovered from the shock of that for the rest of the party. He gave me a nice hug at the end but didn’t ask for digits–was he afraid I’d have insider access to his sordid hometown legacy?

I mean, really. He went to my high school? (oh and ps: we also went to the same university.) Now I feel like my friend must have been picking up on some kind of Michigan vibe. Did he talk a tiny bit like me so she made a subconscious connection? Is this a sign? And a sign of what?

Well, that we can’t know. But it did get me thinking about how unpredictable life is and how much life can have a sense of humor, throwing impossibly unlikely coincidences in our paths. We always want to know–what does it mean? And that we can only know in retrospect. Maybe that was the extent of the universe’s joke today. Hee hee, says the universe! It certainly puts a new spin on which sperm meets up with which egg…the chances of you or me ever coming into existence were basically infinitesimal.

Meanwhile, I’m just enjoying the ride over here. Still just peeing on a stick (which oddly enough, keeps me grounded) and happy to be back in my beautiful city.

Il faut toujours tenter la chance.

IUI, ovulation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

O or :)

thesolomamaproject

I’m handwriting today’s post before typing it in because I just boarded my flight home which will be a 5h40m flight and I know my laptop battery only goes a fraction of that time…plus, we haven’t taken off yet, so I’m stuck with an old-fashioned way of entertaining myself since my book is on my iPad and all electronic devices must be turned off.

Also, I am in my final half-hour of four-hours-of-not-peeing, so I can POAS (pee on a stick, mile-high edition) and see if tomorrow is the day for my IUI. I’m using Clear Blue Digital OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) for an indicator of when I’ll ovulate–they pick up your LH surge which happens 24-36 hours before ovulation. The Clear Blue Digital give you a “O” or a “:)”, and I appreciate the fact that it is all or nothing, yes or no, black or white. The other tests show 2 lines and you try to compare the test line with the control line to figure out when they match, but this drove me crazy in the gray area of “is that a positive?” “is that a positive?” with R and I obsessively texting photos of our OPKs back and forth for confirmation. I actually missed the window in my first month of testing because I was so nervous about pulling the trigger. Incidentally, w/ Clear Blue Digital you can still check the 2 lines on the stick inside the digital device, which is good backup and to be able to see the nuance of when the LH is increasing but not yet a smiley-face. Dr. Tran says don’t wait for a positive, go in for the IUI when the line starts getting darker. Which has the potential to make me lose my mind again, but we’ll cross that bridge later.

Not that much later though–I’m already on Day 12! My trip really made the past week fly by, and the work half of it kept me from writing here–several readers became concerned that they’re no longer getting email updates, but the fact is that I just didn’t have time to post for 5 days or so. I joked to Mlle Jeanne that I was taking a break while she gave birth to a healthy and adorable baby boy (which fills my heart with joy!)–I knew she wouldn’t want to miss anything. 😉

The fact is that my days in NYC made it impossible for me to do anything but fulfill my work obligations–this time it wasn’t even possible to catch up with friends outside of work (and even at work I barely could pull my closest friends into a 15-min hallway catch-up although we did have time for them to gaze at me with wonder and awe, as if I was already pregnant, which I love.). So I basically went from family immersion and babyland with my sister’s family to full-on corporate mode. There was suddenly no indication of my baby project beyond taking my temp in the morning and remembering to take my prenatal vitamin (which I remembered only about half the time). Add to that the intensity of the NYC office and 3 day-long meetings, and this side of my life truly disappeared.

I’ll put this wish out to the universe: I aspire to adjust my work to include less travel and stress and more flexibility and creativity, while maintaining a comfortable lifestyle in the city. Let’s see what happens!

And let’s hope they turn off the seat belt sign before I explode!

parenthood, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, Uncategorized

joy

thesolomamaproject

I’m staying with my sister and her family on the east coast, immersed for just a few days in family action starting at 7:15 this morning (yes, that is 4:15am San Francisco time)–my standing early morning wake-up call/snuggle time with my nieces. My sister and her husband have two girls: one is 3.5yo, the other is 6 months. They’re mesmerizingly cute, and I say that as their aunt but they really are objectively adorable (trust me!). They’re obviously at very different stages of development but both exhibit mega-smarts, crazy sweetness, and lighthearted spirits. They are my first and only nieces and amazing little humans whom I adore.

Given that I’m in the process of trying to get pregnant, I’m watching the household play-by-play with intensity. It’s impossible to know what it’s like to be a parent until you’re a parent, and this type of visit is about as close as I can get. My mom often introduces herself to our friends as, “The Mom” and I often wonder how vastly different it will feel to be “The Mom” vs. the babysitter, nanny, “auntie,” or actual aunt.

My sister and bro-in-law do an amazing job and make it look easy, but MAN it’s a lot of work.

I basically played all day with the girls but not without two additional adults doing constant laundry, changing diapers, cooking, running errands, and straightening up. I was also reminded, in my delirium of jet-lag, that playtime requires concentration and skill, whereas I kept wanting to put my head down. It also requires, ideally, your full attention–multi-tasking is generally impossible. I mostly observed but helped where I could figure out what needed to be done, shuttling everybody along from one meal, activity, nap to the next. Both girls are sick, and we were sneezed and coughed on throughout the day. Messy and neverending work and daunting to contemplate as a single mom.

At the same time, I was beside myself with the joy of cuddling with a book, getting the baby to smile, listening to imaginary stories with a ridiculous amount of creative detail, singing songs, watching these girls figure stuff out. Also, watching them interact with each other—the 3.5yo hugs and kisses her sister looking like she wants to eat her up and the baby lights up and starts screaming with delight every time her big sister engages her.

Today, my sister showed me an article in Parenting Magazine on single moms by choice, featuring (among others) a speech pathologist in San Francisco who had triplets solo. Yep, triplets. Solo. In the picture, the mom is smiling. She said she took things “one minute at a time,” and that every morning, she and her three toddlers name every one of their family and friends to remember how much they love them. An attitude of gratitude! If she can do it, I can do it (and, again, let’s not invoke the triplets). My eventual family household may not run like clockwork, but there will be lots of love, and joy.

single mom by choice, SMC

O Solo Mamas

thesolomamaproject

Yesterday, an expecting mom posted on one of the SMC email groups that she was preparing to go to the first meeting of her birthing class on her own and was feeling low about it. She reached out to other SMCs for advice.

The advice was so inspiring that I got teary and filed it for later when I (or others) might need it. Here are some nuggets to show the type of support that we can plug in to (thank goodness for the internet!!!) (w/o identifying info to respect privacy):

  •  I do know you can do it. I’m a SMC of two kids (3.5 yrs and 0.5 yrs). Know that many husbands do maybe 10%, and then there are two to negotiate every parenting decision. So, yes, the dream husband (or wife!) would be wonderful, most don’t have that. I also remind myself that people do it with less every day. Women get pregnant by accident, the boyfriend leaves, and then she’s stuck. We wanted this.
  •  I went to my first birthing class w/ a good friend and we had a fun time.  She couldn’t make the second one, so I went alone.  I ended up sitting next to a woman whose husband was sick and couldn’t make it. We chatted the whole time, became friends, joined a mothers group that still meets  — while I am the only single Mom of the group, we were all around 40 having our first kids, and working and those are huge areas of commonality.  Now, all the kids are turning 3 and we still meet. You never know when something hard turns into something wonderful.  Head up. You can do it.
  • I feel for ya! I am single and 25 weeks and gearing up to go to a long birth class completely solo!  I went to most of my ultrasounds alone and am used to being the only single gal in the expecting mom’s groups (yoga, etc). I am in the East Bay, but if you ever want to meet up, just holler.
  • whenever i used to feel that way, i would just remind myself that…. i didn’t have a husband!, that always cheers me up! 🙂 just think how much more difficult it would be to be with someone who isn’t a good partner. i know so many people who have kids with someone else and they are stuck with them now for the rest of their lives…alcoholics, assholes, whatever. be happy you are not in that situation.
  • Guess who i ran into in my childbirth prep class? my recent ex boyfriend and the girl he knocked up after dating me. Talk about awkward. I just kept thinking i was so happy that i chose to go it alone!
  • I took a friend who wanted to get pg (and was willing to be my labor partner) to the classes, since I was paying couples’ fees. Maybe there’s a future SMC who’d like to go with you and split the fees?
  • Well, there you go. Any one want to take a spin with me in my Bradley Birthing class. Thursday nights in May in Berkeley. I could use the support ! 25 weeks pregnant in Oakland!
  • My experience has been that I love, love, love being the decision-maker for my children, with no one to negotiate things with, clear things through, or compromise with (except the kids, as they get older).  I miss the option of a second income (enormously!) and the simplicity of being able to run out for a carton of milk or go to a PTA meeting w/o having to pay someone to babysit.  Every step out the door costs me money, unless I can take them with me.  Sometimes I miss the other adult who will back me up, support me, comfort me, and make my life easier.  I’m sure there are a few out there.  But it’s a gamble if that’s who you will get.  Bless those who found them.
  • My favorite experience in this process was a time when I was receiving compliments about the kids from several elderly women in the office of my church.  It was early on, and I was still very uncomfortable about “outing” them as donor babies.  One of the women commented on how much my daughter looked like me, much more than my son.  I steeled myself, pasted a smile on my face, and chuckled, saying, “That’s funny because they are not actually biologically related to me at all.  They had a sperm donor and an ovum donor.”  NOT an easy thing to say to elderly ladies.  The speaker didn’t miss a beat – she responded, “Well, they may not be bone of your bone, but they are blood of your blood.”  And so they are. 🙂  Never were there more wanted children than ours.
fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

hoops

thesolomamaproject

After seeing the doctor last week, I left with the impression that my nurse, Olga, would be calling me “in a couple days” to set up a bunch of tests. I ended up calling her on Tuesday and then we played phone tag; in her voicemail she apologized that I got the impression that it would be “a couple days” because really it’s typically more like a week. But I knew that yesterday was Day 3 of my cycle, which is when lots of specific hormonal tests (like Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) and Estradiol) have to get done, and if you miss Day 3, and you’re working with UCSF who seems to be super rigid about what steps you need to take “pre-conception,” you might be s.o.l. for this month.

So when I finally got the nurse on the phone directly yesterday, it was 3pm, and, yes: I needed testing on Day 3! Through a secure messaging website, Olga sent me about 8 documents, two of which were lab requests. One for infectious diseases (HIV, RPR, HTLV, Hepatitis, Rubella, Varicella, TSH, CBC, Rh and blood type, FSH, and Estradiol) and one was for genetic screening (Fragile X, Cystic Fibrosis, and Spinal Muscular Atrophy–if I’m a carrier then we need to confirm that my donor is not). For the genetic screening, she advised that I call my insurance to be sure I’m covered, because these are very expensive but highly recommended. She asked if I still had enough time to chat before going to the lab I said yes, but we’d better hurry.

So she ran me through all the steps that are required before my first IUI is even possible. Including: the tests above, transporting the washed sperm vials from the sperm bank to UCSF 1-2 weeks before my period (um, too late for that, plus they need a “sperm transfer consent form” signed and witnessed/notorized before the transfer), an HSG test (an hour-long x-ray to check the uterus and fallopian tubes that needs to take place days 7-10 of your cycle (I’ll be out of town)), and a psych evaluation (the psychologist can’t fit me in until 5/4–too late). We quickly determined that this month wouldn’t be possible and I should stick to having this month’s IUI done at PRS (the sperm bank, which requires none of the above), where I had my first IUI last month. Then I called my insurance and read about 15 5-digit codes over the phone to confirm that the genetic screening tests were covered (they are), called PRS to pre-purchase 3 washed vials and get on the standby list for this month, wrapped up my work day, and jumped in a cab to the lab. (I made it under the wire!)

Wow! That’s a lot of jumping through hoops, UCSF! It seems like overkill right now, but if months go by and I have issues conceiving, I’ll be glad we have all the info. In the cab, I thought about how much easier it would have been to just get knocked up from sex the way other people do. Right behind that thought was how I wouldn’t want to be attached to any of those guys in the context of parenthood. And right behind that thought was: “I really want this.” And then I just smiled out the window.

dating, IUI, ovulation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

mojo

thesolomamaproject

A few weekends ago, I was crying to my friend M that it didn’t look like I was going to be able to do the first IUI this month and by the way I also thought I’d lost my mojo. That I felt invisible and must have crossed over into a significantly higher age threshold or badly needed a cut and color because I was getting zero attention from men anywhere. She pointed out that a) you never lose your mojo and b) if you’ve think you’ve lost your mojo then that’s what you’re projecting into the world and that’s what it reflects back to you. And then she told me to get outside so I went for a run at Lands End and felt five million times better.

Just days before, a different friend M, who is weeks away from giving birth, gave me a sock bunny that she made herself. I was really touched by this, not least because I have no talent for crafting and admire it in others. Plus, she is glowing and pregnant and happy and the sock bunny came with good vibes. I decided to name him Mojo and never lose him. Here is Mojo:

:Image

Then, just days after that, my ovulation test was positive and I went in for my IUI. I decided that Mojo should come with me for all my appointments. And now I specifically sleep with him too. He’s a nice guy and what a big heart!

Let’s just say that trying to conceive takes up a lot of mental bandwidth. Especially during the infamous two week wait, which was torture. As yet, I have not figured out how to date or even take step one in the direction of dating with all this going on… My taxi light says something like, “I’m not sure how to do this so, um, maybe take the next one.”

My friend Beans, who has been at this for months and is beginning her first IVF this week, told me that she didn’t date for the first few months of trying either, but it was a gradual process of getting comfortable with it. Maybe that will be true for me, and I hope so, because I think we could all use some lighthearted dating drama especially now that I’ve called off the search for a babydaddy. It would be nice to share the company of someone who is nice to me and (for some reason) not scared off by my plan.

It’s a lot to contemplate, but I believe that the sub-genre of ‘dating while pregnant’ is seriously under-explored!

Meanwhile, M is right: the mojo is not lost. It’s just that a girl’s got to prioritize, and dating isn’t currently the priority. This is all going to take some time to sort out (and likely a team of mental health professionals), so I’ll just stay open to what the universe sends me, and tonight it’s a snugglebunny.

IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

Day 1

thesolomamaproject

We’ve clicked over to a new cycle, folks. I returned home tonight to be greeted by AF, in all her blazing, scarlet glory.

Amazing how much it felt like getting dumped, only (thankfully) by a guy I hadn’t been seeing for that long. Like around… 2 weeks. But I wasn’t that into him, anyway. Not yet.

So then what? Well, I pulled out a tampon and pantiliner and a beer. And ate two big slices of pizza. And wrote this.

Earlier today, I got really panicky leaving LA after spending an exhilarated weekend thinking, “I probably am.” Because, at the same time, I always thought that AF would be the harbinger of negative news but it really threw me when she didn’t show. (Each bathroom visit where she didn’t show seemed to reinforce that she never would.) Leaving my busy work weekend, I couldn’t figure out when to take a test, what test to take, when is it 99% accurate, how can I do this PERFECTLY so that the result is the one I want? I started to feel like such a big farce, fanning the flames of expectation with all my friends and family when I really couldn’t possibly know yet. I called my parents, flustered, and they sounded worried about what the weight of disappointment could do to me. When I landed in SF, I drove straight to the office at 8pm on a Sunday to do 3+ hours of work. Get the work monkey off my back, anyway.

Let’s be real–this was my very first try. My doctor said, let’s expect it to take 6 months. (And he’s not going to count the IUI at Pac Repro.) I’ve learned a LOT. My friend MM texted me tonight how much she’s enjoying my blog, and how it feels nice to be partnering with me in my journey, as a community. SO nice to hear that–can I tell you how much that means to me??? It’s scary sometimes to put all this out there publicly. And yet, I already can’t imagine doing this without you, dear readers and friends.

As predicted, I am glad to have planned ahead with UCSF, so this month is indeed a new month. Maybe this time I won’t drag you along on quite the detailed play-by-play; or maybe I will. Who knows? I feel a little sheepish but also like finally I can let it all hang out instead of being paralyzed by hope.

Next time it’ll be old hat, we’ll be like, oh–has it been a month already?

I’m grateful that I don’t feel like crying. Or giving up.

IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

Day 28

thesolomamaproject

The game is still on. I’m a little beside myself at this point, wondering, wondering, wondering. What is going on in there? Nothing has happened yet. That’s all, nothing yet, no AF and I haven’t done a test, and this would be one of my longer cycles, and tomorrow would be my longest. So… I should have news tomorrow because I learned yesterday that at 13dpo (days past ovulation), the test will be 99% accurate. Who’s coming over??

Fortunately, I had scheduled a work trip for this weekend, which is an awesome distraction but I just got alone in my hotel room for the first time and feel all shaky and also tired due to my early flight. I am tempted not to post this because I don’t want you to be disappointed, or me to be disappointed, but I’m feeling a tiny bit hopeful. And glad that I have UCSF plans rolling, rolling, in the meantime, so not even AF will slow me down.

Dinner at 7 which means 3 good hours of work now, and I shouldn’t squander it blogging because I need to get the work stress off my back. The point of my trip is to see the kickoff of a huge video project–today was the rehearsal and tomorrow will be the first day of shooting. The actors are all adorable and in their 20s and I want to eat them up. I’m looking at them like I’m their mom. I’m looking at everyone like I’m their mom, actually. I got a nice smile from a cutie on the walk over here just now, and catcalled from a moving car, so maybe my mojo is flowing, or maybe I have more appeal in LA?

I get to be an extra in the background of a café scene tomorrow, so I know I’ll be occupied tomorrow. I almost didn’t make this trip, and I’m SO glad I did.

Thanks for coming with me along for this ride. I realize too, that the positive test is not the finish line by any means. It would mean that I cleared an important hurdle, and then the initial weeks can be tenuous. So let’s proceed with caution and keep going about our biz. K?

pregnancy loss, privacy, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

on privacy and openness

thesolomamaproject

Good morning, Day 27!

In general, I’m an extremely open person. If I have a complicated personal situation or TMI storyline going on that is troubling me or exciting me or puzzling me, chances are good that all you have to say is, “How are you?” and I will launch in. It’s how I connect. People usually respond by softening and opening up themselves, given that I so easily lay my heart on the table, and then we’re mutually sharing, and we have things in common, and suddenly we don’t feel like such alien freaks.

Of course, there is such a thing called “boundaries,” as I have learned in many years of therapy. There is an element of the process above that includes an aversion to withholding whatever is going on with me, as if I have judged this person unfit to handle the real back story, which can send me into an internal spiral that this person now realizes I’m lying to him/her by saying, “Fine, how are you?” It’s also tempting to want approval in everything I do, from everyone around me, all the time. But I’m pretty sure that’s everyone.

So, all of the above present an interesting dilemma in the process of trying to conceive as a single mom, which is notoriously cloaked in our culture, often kept secret until the end of the first trimester. I’ve always known that, partnered or not, this clandestine approach would be hard for me to the point of being impossible. I understand being cautious and the heartbreak of having to send a sad press release to the masses. However, in my case, especially un-partnered, it is those same masses that will pull me through. (I acknowledge that I may feel wildly different about this later on and do a 180 and that’s fine too.)

From the beginning, when I was in the thinking/planning/researching phase, I checked in with myself every time a friend said, “So, what have you been up to?” Just checked with my heart and it usually said, “Go for it.” I’ve been building up my support system the way a mama bird builds a nest. http://livestre.am/1kdZa

Of course, this opens me up for comments, opinions, recommendations, and zingers. I’ve already gotten tips on what to definitely do or definitely not do when it comes to giving birth and parenting (“You’re not going to do cry it out, are you?”) and questions that sound more like an indictment (“You do a lot of activities. You know you’ll have to give them all up, right?”) Overall, though, if that’s the worst my people can dish up, concern turned up a little too high and pushed through their own filter of experience, then bring it on. I’m getting better (god willing) at letting things roll off my back. If it really gets to me, I come home and listen to Pema Chodron recordings.

A few times, I have hit an edge. After I chose my donor (a great story for another day), I had friends ask if I would email his photos. That felt instantly wrong. I decided that I will show them only in person, and only if I feel like it. Later, when a TV production company approached the founder of Single Mothers by Choice about doing a documentary, I expressed my interest in participating as a way of raising awareness. After talking to the producer, I was turned off–it sounded more like reality TV. This journey is uncharted–none of us know where we’re headed. Broadcasting on national TV seemed like way too far over the line. I pulled out.

Which brings me to the blog. This  feels so good to write, and I’m so gratified that so many friends are checking in. My number of views is much bigger than expected and: we’ve gone international! I did take the step of keeping it anonymous, although the majority of followers are people I know very well. I may over-share sooner or later and end up with a vulnerability hangover… But, so far so good.

I hope you share it with friends who are considering single motherhood or maybe would just enjoy reading this, but I do ask that you not forward it to anyone I work with. That is the last frontier! Speaking of which, I’m off to a meeting.