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balance

It’s an absolutely gorgeous fall day- warm with goldens and greens and reds flickering in the trees, sunlight at low angles. I had identified earlier in the week that I wasn’t feeling “energized,” so I packed a lunch and took E back to Morton Arboretum for a 3-mile run and a picnic at the playground. You can’t always predict the weather or traffic or moods but it’s such a bonus when you know what that thing is you need, and you get it, and all those other things fall into place too.

It was such a weird week- I was on a work deadline which pushed my work hours into all hours. The election polls took a stressful turn. I started falling asleep nightly with E at 8pm and doing the thing where I wake up again at 1am with my clothes on, my bra digging, my belt pinching, my contacts stuck to my dry eyeballs. Then, to make matters worse, I decide to get up, spend an hour or so zoning out looking at Facebook, and then end up getting sucked into work, and then doing dishes, and then losing half the night and ending up exhausted. This started happening nightly- a sign that something is off-balance. Usually, I’m a pretty consistent 10:30-6:30. (Another sign is when I struggle to do any balancing poses in yoga.)

We all have bad habits when we’re tired or stressed. It’s funny to be 43 and still becoming self-aware of them (I guess they evolve…). I also stopped putting clothes away or cooking. I have a mountain of clothes piled on the guest bed  currently (but you should take it as a good sign that I ignored that to write.) Fortunately, eating out meant that I’m not behind on dishes.

I resolved to buy a fitbit that vibrates so I can just surrender and go to bed with E and wake up an hour or two early. I get blissed out just thinking about it. But- when I sort-of tried this the other morning, it didn’t work.

I had fallen asleep at 8pm as usual but this time took the precaution of taking off the bra and the belt and the contacts. Also, I turned out the lights. I tried to stay awake but no contest. This would be another good application of the fitbit- the alarm 30 minutes after putting E to bed if I’m adamant about not losing my evening.

But, when I woke at 1am I was so deeply tired I couldn’t even be bothered to change into pajamas (to be fair, I was wearing a cotton shirt and jeggings, which was not all that uncomfortable). (Also, basically all my clothes are in a giant pile on the guest bed.) I magically woke on my own at 5:30am and tried to sneak away, but the kiddo awoke and followed me to the bathroom. So, back to bed and this time I slept until 7:30- oversleeping! To say the least. Truthfully, I probably woke because he was already stirring. That’s where the Fitbit buzzing will be awesome. I will sneak away like a thief in the night! Will he ever not sleep in my bed/room? Yes. When? No idea…

So, I’m ordering the wrist Fitbit once I finish this post because I just hadn’t gotten to it yet. But, in the meantime, I got my period, which seems like perhaps the most meaningful piece in the puzzle- my cycles have totally changed since giving birth and this may be a new facet of the new one: total exhaustion PMS. I’m normally terrible at seeing patterns like this and since moving here my period has surprised me every time. (I swear it’s been like every three weeks but who has time to track it… I probably need an app…) I got it and thought, were there any signs this week? YES, in fact. See above.

We’re also verrrrry gradually weaning, OK not really, but I know changes go along with that too, and there are some big quality of life upgrades that will come with that (although hormones can be wild cards). Maybe I won’t be laying down with him at bedtime forever? My goal is to wind down nursing by end of the year. At this point, he only nurses first thing in the morning, when he gets home from school, and bedtime- on weekdays. On weekends, it’s a free for all. I’m going to eliminate the nap nurse, hanging on to the fierce hope that he will still nap. Then I’ll take a four-day trip to NYC/Boston in a couple weeks. Then we might have to just stop and I dread it but, like so many things, the dread might be worse than the reality. Or not…

Right now he’s taking a long long nap and I’m rocking in the rocking chair as I type. If he keeps going, I’ll shower and make dinner. (I mean- I’ll order the fitbit!) Most of the time, I got this. Without good sleep though, it’s a house of cards…

Here he is in his fire truck (huge hit) and then this afternoon at the Arboretum. Wishing you all a peaceful week with the best of outcomes for our dear nation.

xoxoxo

fire-truck

morton

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