on top of it

This morning, I wondered three different times if I’m getting it right with my parenting decisions and assumed there’s a book I haven’t read that says I’m absolutely doing it wrong and setting myself up for future trouble. The wondering was:

-I wonder if there’s a proven and acceptable way to introduce your child to his toddler bed that doesn’t involve jumping (and I wonder if allowing the jumping actually sets you back because now it’s a trampoline instead of where you go night night)

-I wonder if it’s actually unsafe and sets a bad precedent for your kid to walk/run around at breakfast, eating cereal out of other people’s bowls

-I wonder if, by continuing to night nurse, I’m holding my kid back from a happy and independent sleeping career

I think that if anyone has easy answers to these it’s probably BS but notice the impulse to question myself and believe there’s some other authority more important than me.

We are in the midst of transitions that have no beginning or end because I’m an easygoing, natural mama who resists structure and other people’s arbitrary rules when it comes to parenting through these phases of development. But the toddler bed is set up and seems like kind of a fun new thing. It’s in my room. Maybe he’ll be intrigued and interested? I’m realizing that night weaning could be great for both of us. He can learn to sleep through (and me too) and perhaps I can occasionally get up early or stay up late which I would greatly look forward to. Aiming to do this after my parents leave. Maybe it won’t be so bad? Maybe he’s ready hahahaha

My parents have been here for 6 weeks and we have 2 left. I have grown dependent on them, especially the dinners, the laundry, and the cleaning. Not to mention the occasional school pickups and evening child care! And adult conversation, someone to talk through decisions, and co-witnesses to E’s daily development. Also they are my parents. 🙂 I always get back in the groove after they leave but am not on my A game in the initial days.

The other night, they went out for dinner. I had gone out of town for the day for work and got a late start coming back- it took 3 hours instead of 2 in crazy Bay Area traffic. I was half an hour late picking up E, then we stopped at the store for food and Walgreens for ointment to put on his irritated bug bite (he for some reason resisted putting it on and we got it all over everything). We had dinner of leftovers and he poured water everywhere (as he does nightly). My period was super heavy and I was barely containing things when I realized that E had a blowout the likes of which I haven’t seen since he was an infant- the kind where the only option is the bathtub. I was rinsing him off in the tub and he was screaming. My parents walked in the door and I felt like the babysitter!

Mostly I laughed because there are just those days when you can’t seem to keep things from flying out of control.

You’ve just gotta laugh and believe: I’m as on top of this as possible.





Shivering on the bus as I am in my running clothes and it’s cold and also lightly drizzling. Sometimes being motivated to get the workout in results being in the wrong clothes at the wrong time… But now I’m on the bus and a bit warmer, tapping out this post with fingers recently manicured in Lucky Lucky Lavender.

Last week, I took the train one evening so I could get off about three miles from the school and run from there. I was running late. I jumped off the train at ten after five and promptly ran into dear friend J and her kiddo M. Ten minutes later, I was hopping back on the train and still ten minutes late. (Not late, actually, because I can pick E up anytime 5:30-6 but I try to be there at 5:30). Today I’m trying again, this time leaving a bit earlier, and I’ll get off a lot closer, and I’ll even pick up burritos along the way, and we’ll see how it goes. I’m hungry, despite eating a granola bar an hour ago. But I need to move my bod!

I had a coaching call last week in which I intended to discuss my life goals and ended up complaining about my clothes and hair. She said those sounded charged, so let’s stick with those. I went on and on about how I have short broken-off or maybe newly-grown-in hair around my hairline that will not be corralled and my hair is limp and doesn’t respond to my usual products and I look in stunned awe at photos of when I was prego and the lush, gorgeous head of hair I had. I ended up with a to do list of a mani/pedi and a new braid. (Ps braid tutorials on YouTube are fascinating)

My self needs some care. We had professional photos last weekend and as I stood in front of my closet, a voice in my head was saying, “I don’t know how to make myself look good anymore.” I’m so out of practice! I used to take work trips to NYC, go out to bars, go on dates. My old hot self is a bit lost. Or completely lost.

It seems to be a known phenomenon that when your kid turns two, you come out of the fog. You mostly have your body back. You are kinda sleeping. And so I do recognize that aspects of me are “coming back online.” It helps to even run one mile or do 20 minutes of interrupted yoga with a toddler in my living room, which is all I seem to manage. I met with a free wellness coach through my work (I’ll get a $100 gift card if I meet with him three times) and I told him I would do 2 runs and 2 core exercise sessions at home per week. I also met with a free financial planner through my work and I’m keeping a list of all the money I spend for one month.

I seem to be in hyper New Years mode because my parents are here for three more weeks and I’ve gotta fit it all in!!!

We’re almost to my dropoff point. E is now coming home with art projects, talking about the “kids” and his teachers and counting quite admirably in Spanish (in English it’s one two three four seven nine TEN!). He puts his arms up and says, “carry you?” And he loves talking about eckaderders (excavators), heckaderders (helicopters), and alliderders (alligators). And when we go under a bridge: TUNNEL!!!

You guys: Betabrand is going to make the nursing tank!!! Thanks so much for voting! They emailed me to welcome me aboard the team! I will definitely let you know when it’s ready for sale. I’m so excited to buy one.

Now we are stuck in a traffic jam. Gearing up to run through the cold rain to burritos and E’s school.

Hasta luego xoxo