Category: fertility

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

think good thoughts

thesolomamaproject

Getting ready to leave the office to head over to PRS for the quick and painless procedure that is so anti-climactic when you consider the potential impact on my life and the future baby’s life and the lives of everyone around us. I feel good. A little sleepy (stayed up a little too late last night), ate a salad for lunch, drank a lot of water. I saw something online today that said to eat full-fat dairy which helps with fertility and I think there’s ice cream in my future.

I’ll pack up, walk to my car, drive over to Potrero Hill, find a parking spot. I’ll pause to notice how nice it is to be outside in the sunshine instead of in the office. I’ll check in at the front desk. (I have 2 friends who work in the same building and I’m always unsure of what I’d say if I were to run into them in the hallway.), Then I’ll wait to be called in by Ingrid, the nurse practitioner. Whenever Ms. R. and I email or text or gchat about Ingrid, her name is always followed by a <3. We love her. She is beautiful and gentle and says things like “think good thoughts!” right at the critical moment. She also looks like a friend of my sister’s who is a family friend and also a good vibe person to resemble. I’ll have Mojo with me, and knee socks. The IUI itself feels like nothing; last time I couldn’t perceive anything after the speculum. Then you just lay there alone for a few minutes in the dim light, but Ingrid says it’s “mostly psychological” so you can get up and get dressed whenever you want.

Then I’ll get up and drive home and probably do some more work, practice for band rehearsal, go to bed early. We know I’m probably ovulating around now. The sperm, since they’ve been frozen, live around 12-24 hours (as opposed to 3 days with fresh sperm). So you hope that the window of the egg meets the window of the sperm. The fertilization happens within hours of IUI, then it can take up to a week to implant, the zygote traveling it’s merry way down the fallopian tube. Eventually, it turns into a blastocyst and finds a nice home on the endometrial lining. I have lovely guided meditations for both fertilization and implantation that use really obvious metaphors (like your pond and your flower and a dragonfly that’s coming to land, etc.) but they’re nice and relaxing and why not?? 🙂 Acupuncture tomorrow. The idea is to send resources to the tissue and de-stress as much as possible. What’s not to love?

And then, the two week wait. I know you guys will be here for me, and I appreciate it. I need it! Please think good thoughts for the next 24 hrs in particular, and maybe again in 1 week. You will receive partial credit for any eventual birth–you can all be aunties and uncles! Thank you! ❤

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

hoops

thesolomamaproject

After seeing the doctor last week, I left with the impression that my nurse, Olga, would be calling me “in a couple days” to set up a bunch of tests. I ended up calling her on Tuesday and then we played phone tag; in her voicemail she apologized that I got the impression that it would be “a couple days” because really it’s typically more like a week. But I knew that yesterday was Day 3 of my cycle, which is when lots of specific hormonal tests (like Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) and Estradiol) have to get done, and if you miss Day 3, and you’re working with UCSF who seems to be super rigid about what steps you need to take “pre-conception,” you might be s.o.l. for this month.

So when I finally got the nurse on the phone directly yesterday, it was 3pm, and, yes: I needed testing on Day 3! Through a secure messaging website, Olga sent me about 8 documents, two of which were lab requests. One for infectious diseases (HIV, RPR, HTLV, Hepatitis, Rubella, Varicella, TSH, CBC, Rh and blood type, FSH, and Estradiol) and one was for genetic screening (Fragile X, Cystic Fibrosis, and Spinal Muscular Atrophy–if I’m a carrier then we need to confirm that my donor is not). For the genetic screening, she advised that I call my insurance to be sure I’m covered, because these are very expensive but highly recommended. She asked if I still had enough time to chat before going to the lab I said yes, but we’d better hurry.

So she ran me through all the steps that are required before my first IUI is even possible. Including: the tests above, transporting the washed sperm vials from the sperm bank to UCSF 1-2 weeks before my period (um, too late for that, plus they need a “sperm transfer consent form” signed and witnessed/notorized before the transfer), an HSG test (an hour-long x-ray to check the uterus and fallopian tubes that needs to take place days 7-10 of your cycle (I’ll be out of town)), and a psych evaluation (the psychologist can’t fit me in until 5/4–too late). We quickly determined that this month wouldn’t be possible and I should stick to having this month’s IUI done at PRS (the sperm bank, which requires none of the above), where I had my first IUI last month. Then I called my insurance and read about 15 5-digit codes over the phone to confirm that the genetic screening tests were covered (they are), called PRS to pre-purchase 3 washed vials and get on the standby list for this month, wrapped up my work day, and jumped in a cab to the lab. (I made it under the wire!)

Wow! That’s a lot of jumping through hoops, UCSF! It seems like overkill right now, but if months go by and I have issues conceiving, I’ll be glad we have all the info. In the cab, I thought about how much easier it would have been to just get knocked up from sex the way other people do. Right behind that thought was how I wouldn’t want to be attached to any of those guys in the context of parenthood. And right behind that thought was: “I really want this.” And then I just smiled out the window.

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, Uncategorized

ucsf and challenges and triplets

thesolomamaproject

My appointment at UCSF was at 8am and I arrived a little early as directed, which turned out to be even earlier than the front desk staff. I sat down across from a sign with all the doctors’ names listed and realized that these people have become like celebrities to me–I knew at least one or two anecdotal facts about each one: Dr. Cedars is super amazing and the most highly recommended (no availability until June), Dr. Huddleston is fantastic as well (also a long wait), and Dr. Fujimoto will make you cry (I heard this from more than one former patient). The one doc I knew nothing about was the one with the earliest availability, and the one with whom I had an appointment today: Dr. Tran. Before long, I was ushered into his office.

Well, I just have to highly recommend Dr. Tran. He is easygoing, handsome, somewhat softspoken, neutral (not too harsh and not too cuddly either). The results, after an ultrasound, were good news. He said my ovarian reserve is eggcellent. Just kidding, he said, “Your ovarian reserve is excellent,” but he said it twice. Now I have a whole game plan to put in motion if round 1 is a no-go, including a bunch of tests, a psych evaluation (required whenever donors are involved–I asked if having a therapist counts and he said no), that tube test (HSG?), and then 3 months of natural IUI’s. Then, we’ll see where we are. He seemed totally unfazed by me being a single woman pursuing this on my own.

I sometimes forget, actually, that people might be fazed by this. It’s likely that some people around me at some point will be challenged by what I, and other single women in my situation, seem to be saying about the necessity and importance of men and fathers, not to mention the institution of marriage. Or some may feel that by choosing to do this, I am saying to parents, “I can totally handle this on my own whereas you were kind of a mess and complained a lot. And you have a husband.”

In truth, I have nothing but admiration for men, and dads, and MY dad, and people who manage to get married and stay married through parenthood and have a good thing going (and I’m not giving up on this either). And while I do not know the exhausted chaos and epic sacrifice of parenthood firsthand, I know enough to know approximately what I could be getting myself into. This could cause me to move, change careers, stop dating indefinitely, give up my interests for a while or permanently, spend my life savings, go into debt, etc. Probably not all of the above at the same time, though, except in the case of multiples–but even if I had triplets, I would bet money that my community would not allow me to go down in flames.

OK, let’s not invoke the triplets!!! I’m going to bed before this goes any further. I imagine I’m preaching to the unfazed anyway. Very thrilled about the UCSF plan and going into Day 26 with no clues about what’s going on in there now that I 100% do not trust messages from my body. Good night!

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

maybe

thesolomamaproject

Feeling zen after a day that included therapy, acupuncture, and group meditation. Yes, I am a caricature of a Northern Californian.  I’ve been staying attuned to the yo-yo nature of the infamous two-week-wait (“I probably am!” “I’m probably not…”) and all the accompanying emotions, which thankfully have not been too intense. Mostly, I’m calm and going about my biz. However, I’ve experienced every phantom symptom under the sun (I won’t bore you with the extremely long list) and have been amazed at just how hyper-vigilant I can be about the minute to minute sensations of my uterus. Tracking my temps (staying high would be a good sign), resisting a home pregnancy test, and patiently waiting to see who shows up: Aunt Flo or a bun in the oven. Consider the vast difference between these two possibilities and staying prepared for both. 8dpo (days past ovulation). I will probably write  a novel before these 2 weeks are up.

I have a long-standing appointment to get set up with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist, aka fertility doctor, aka the doc who could do my future IUI’s) at UCSF tomorrow morning, so in the event that AF does arrive this weekend, I will have Round 2 in the works. I like how that turned out.

Meanwhile, how does one live with big uncertainty? I keep thinking about a poem I wrote in college, and wanted to share it here. It’s called “maybe”.

on the wall there

gold and starlike

MAYBE

it said

like a dogtreat,

a dangling affirmative,

a not definitely no—

and i can feel the warmth

of a yes,

the neat crunch

of the bullseye.

i used my fingernail

instead of a coin.

my metallic silver fingers

close around the neck

of a gun

and i’m chasing

a moving target,

peeking out its bright face

from behind trees—

i didn’t read the rules,

i couldn’t, they were

miniscule, needed a

telescope,

radar.

i throw out another line

from my stationary nightboat,

gaze up at that star.