parenthood – Page 3 – the solo mama project

Buddhism, family, gratitude, homebirth, Mother's Day, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

ready

May 10, 2014 thesolomamaproject

Dear Baby Boy,

We’re ready for your arrival. We’re so excited to meet you! Here’s what being ready looks like on the outside:

Here are your new clothes, laundered and folded.

Here’s where you will spend many hours with Mommy, nursing.

Here’s a little birth shrine with items that will keep me feeling strong and reminded of you.

This is how Mimi organized the food that will nourish you through me.

This is the new apartment-sized washer and dryer funded by generous benefactors, to keep all your baby clothes clean!

And the birth tub, which keeps us reminded every day that you’ll be here soon.

I’m ready in my heart, too, to move you through me and into this outside world. I will miss this lovely not-quite-one, not-quite-two symbiosis, but I also feel that you are strong and ready to make your grand entrance. It’s going to be more hospitable for you out here, baby. I’m working with my body through yoga, walking, and resting to offer you safe passage and I believe you also have some mysterious work of your own to do to make it possible. We’re ready! So let’s do it. Mothers Day would be fine, or whatever day this week works for you.

With love and great anticipation,
Mom

acupuncture, anxiety, gratitude, meditation, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

‘late’

May 8, 2014 thesolomamaproject

Well, here we are 4 days past the due date and babes is still acting pretty comfortable in there.

First, I should say that all is well! I feel great. I’m sleeping and eating well, walking, swimming, doing yoga. These days are still precious gifts of mental/physical/material preparation. AND I’m still within the range of normal: first-time Caucasian moms on average go 8 days past their due date. As you know, I am both a first-time mom and Caucasian, and I always thought/knew we would go late. So I’m honestly not too surprised to be here.

On the day after my due date, I went over the protocol for the next two weeks with my midwife. It’s crazy how on 5/3 he would have been “early” and on 5/5 I was already “late” and walking through all the possible complications and interventions. Damn the arbitrary due date! Yet, I reminded myself that even though this baby will most likely be born on a normal and perfect timetable of his own creation, we did need to walk through what-ifs now that we know he won’t be early or precisely on time. (It should be noted that, as a rule, I am neither early nor precisely on time either.)

So–this week, nothing really changes. I keep resting, eating well, getting my heart rate up for an hour a day, drinking pregnancy tea, taking Mother’s Blend and black currant oil, relaxing. Not stressing. Doing kick counts and taking fetal love breaks.

Starting at 41 weeks (Sunday), I need to go in for non-stress tests at the hospital to make sure the baby is still thriving. They check the variability of the heartbeat and the level of amniotic fluid. This can lead to a thumbs up and come back in a few days, or, if the results are not optimal, a quick induction. If nothing happens by the end of next week, we’d try natural (castor oil) and then finally hospital (pitocin) methods of induction to ensure that I don’t go past 42 weeks. So that’s the roadmap.

It’s a relief to have the plan although tough to so quickly be thrust into the mindset of being ‘late.’ (Even though ‘normal.’) Again–being ‘early’ would have completely thrown me and made me feel unprepared, yet ‘late’ makes me feel a bit like an overripe piece of fruit. I have seen this so often from an outside perspective–the mom goes past her due date and is just done, over it, uncomfortable, and all-around cranky. I remember thinking (in that way that you know you don’t really understand because you haven’t experienced it), ‘Why is she so cranky? She knows the baby will come soon one way or another and all she has to do is relax and watch movies…’ In yoga, the teacher often asks whoever’s at 41 weeks if her phone is blowing up and she nods and rolls her eyes and the teacher gives her strategies for telling people to back off (like sending them to haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com).

I now have four days of insight into this genre of living with uncertainty and managing the expectations of the outside world. I have the huge bonus of not being uncomfortable which means my own reserves of patience are pretty full. And baby is doing all his kicks so I’m not overly worrying about his well-being. The anticipation is growing but the days feel peaceful and luxurious and lovely.

What stresses me out is my phone. Every time I look at it, there’s another text or email or voicemail. Now, you guys know me by now– I love hearing that people are thinking about me and sending good wishes. This is always welcome and I have many times been the one impatiently waiting for news on the other side, sending tentative “thinking of you” texts while trying to avoid any hint that I’m actually “checking in” (which I probably am). You really want to know that the mom and baby are OK and sometimes it gets unbearable to hear nothing. You start feeling like the ecstatic new mom may have forgotten to deploy the basic stats in a birth announcement and is now ensconced in a love cocoon that will prevent her from remembering her outside world and their burning need for information. And you want to know the name and see a photo and be assured that all is well. I know. I’ve been there, even in the past few weeks!

It’s the questions (“Do you have a baby yet?” “Sooooo?” My favorite from J, “When is he coming!!! We are all waiting for him!!!!’). And any expectation of me calling back. I know these are also fueled by love and good wishes, but I then have to convey a disappointing lack of news and speculate about something I can’t predict, which turns out to be stressful for me. Which I know is no one’s wish.

So, here goes me asking for what I need. I humbly ask of my beloved community to please send frequent love and good wishes and ‘thinking of you’ texts and voicemails and blog comments which will be code for ‘I’m dying for news over here and love you and the baby so much my heart may burst!’ and I promise to get the birth announcement posted on the blog as soon as my new mom life makes it possible.

I’ll be over here focusing on being rested, fueled, and stress-free, and also getting things rolling with daily acupuncture and meditation and walking and generally getting my head in the game. And having chats with Baby Boy about how exciting life is on the outside. (“Here’s your new bed, and here are your new clothes, and here’s your Mimi and Chacha, and here are the beautiful woods, and over there is the Golden Gate Bridge.” etc.)

One thing we all know for sure: he’ll be here soon. And I can’t wait to introduce you!!!

xoxoxo

acupuncture, family, gratitude, homebirth, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

on leave

April 27, 2014April 27, 2014 thesolomamaproject

I finished up work–sent out my ‘bye for now’ email to my team and set my out of office reply at 11:30pm on Friday night, my last work day before maternity leave. I finished everything on my to do list and cleaned out my inbox completely. I changed the settings on my phone so I won’t get notifications of new emails. It’s an amazing feeling to put work aside for more than two weeks, something I’ve maybe never done since I started working.

I’m decompressing now. I’m so exhausted, like all the years of working just caught up with me and now I don’t have to keep up appearances anymore and I can just be super-preggers and slow and tired. Today I walked 3 blocks to the bookstore and was staggering with round ligament pain on the way back. Hopefully one of my belly belts will help with this so I can keep walking but man those ligaments are struggling to hold up the weight. I kind of want a little cart to wheel in front of me.

It hasn’t completely sunk in yet that I’m done working, to be honest. It still feels impossible and surreal that they will send me paychecks as I adapt to my new job of motherhood. I think it will begin to feel real tomorrow morning, which is Monday. My brain is already letting the details of my projects go…

Crossing work off the to do list is huge and allows me to fully focus on taking care of myself and putting the finishing touches on preparations. And did I mention rest? My schedule this week: midwife, catch up with dear C, massage, therapist, acupuncture, haircut, pedicure. Parents arrive Wednesday to take up residence in the guest room!

Right now, babes is flicking at my pubic bone and sticking out his booty, awaiting his big day.

Last night, I had to get up twice to eat and then was ravenous again in the morning, which has contributed to my tired state. Which is why I think I should wrap this sleepy post and put my prego ass in bed with the giant magical pregnancy pillow (which I am calling Nagini. Did I mention I finished the Harry Potter series?i). I’m reading the Sears book about vaccines, which is 7 years old but interesting and accessible. I’ll get the updates online. I’m definitely vaccinating, just good to read a voice of reason and understand the details of it when there’s so much ignorance out there fueling the controversy.

So, anyway, I’m feeling fine and happy and sleepy. Enjoying these last sweet, peaceful days of my old life. (My apartment is so noticeably quiet.)

Today’s burgeoning belly @ 39 weeks!

family, homebirth, outdoors, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

in the window

April 20, 2014April 30, 2016 thesolomamaproject

It was a great weekend–birth tub is set up and is vaguely heart-shaped due to a missing clip. I took 2-hour naps each day, did yoga, got outside for a walk. The drum kit has been moved out of my apartment. My sister and I did a prego photo shoot that turned out really well. And I just did a big grocery shop to prepare to feed the birth team: snacks and a big pot of chili so far. For me, I also got a palette of coconut water and a bunch of Recharges. Also herbs for post-partum and lactation tea.

I spent Saturday evening and much of Sunday morning working on the baby’s name. Now I’ll embark on one of my favorite conversation topics recently: talking about names in general without mentioning specifics! I’m not sharing the names because I don’t want opinions yet and feel like it’s a special luxury to be able to do this completely by myself. It’s also a big job, a super-important job, and not as straightforward as back in the day when you had like ten acceptable names to choose from. (Eventually I’ll run the finalists by someone in order to prevent any snafus like Justin Case or Ann Job.)

I was just reading a blog post on “Baby Name Wizard” called “Why Your Baby Name Choice is Making You Miserable.” Basically–too many options. These days, anything goes–any made-up name or crazy spelling seems to be fair game. And that amount of choice creates paralysis and, sometimes, remorse.

I’ve been working on the name for months in my mind, and this weekend I finally created a spreadsheet. There are so many good, solid names that I have to rule out due to their association with ex-boyfriends–a hazard of having a baby at 40. I’ve decided on a first name, which has been the front runner for a long time. So, with a first and last name, it should be simple to pick a middle, right? But while I have one middle name that I love, it has no family connection and I’m looking at adding a second middle name (because, why not? I polled my friends who have two middle names or have given their kids two middle names, and they seem to love it), but now I’ve spent enough time on the analysis that I’m getting overly hung up on trying to summarize our entire family heritage and pull together the perfect meaning–it’s like writing a poem and trying to explain absolutely everything in four words.

So, I’m going to let it simmer and evolve again for a bit. How’s that for a discussion of names without divulging any particulars? By the time you hear it, it will be as perfect as it gets.

Em came over on Friday for my home visit. I always think this must start to feel old hat to her after 1100 births, but no–she was super excited for me. We’re here, we’re in the window: 37-42 weeks. After all the work and preparation I’ve done, the baby could now easily come at any time. When she checked me, though, he hadn’t dropped yet, so we probably have some time. Even once he drops it can be weeks… there’s just no way to know.

He’ll come when he’s ready, or whenever my body mysteriously triggers labor–no one knows why it happens when it does (and if they did, they would make a lot of money). So, I proceed with my last work week (going in every other day), aware that it could be anytime and it will likely be another 2-3 weeks (and could even be 4). And please note! I will not be liveblogging the birth! But I’m sure I’ll get an announcement posted before too too long. (Who knows how long though? Hard to imagine life on the other side.)

On a walk in the Presidio yesterday with my sister Aunt B, she snapped this photo. Babies and flowers in bloom! xo

family, gratitude, homebirth, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

prep and presence

April 8, 2014 thesolomamaproject

I just got a Happy Anniversary message from WordPress and it took me a second to realize that this blog is two years old yesterday! Imagine that. Two years ago was my first attempt to get pregnant, and now I’m weeks from welcoming the bambino. I wish you could see my belly dramatically wiggling in front of the keyboard right now as he does his training regimen for life on the outside.

I went back and read the inaugural post and a few of the early ones… My friend L told me last night, “I’m so happy you took the bull by the horns.” Seriously.

I’ve rounded the corner into the final weeks of pregnancy and I feel it. I got up to pee in the night and it seemed like my belly was even bigger than it was when I went to bed. A man begging for money on the street this morning wished me a smooth delivery and added, “It doesn’t look like you have much time…” And that’s one of the wildest things about this–you don’t know if you have 6 weeks left or a matter of days. How to plan?

Well, if he came tonight, which he won’t, it would be a total chaos but I can live with that because it’s not going to happen since he’ll most likely be late. It would also have to be in the hospital since I’m only 36 weeks. There’s no hospital bag, no family on call. It would be a wild and improvised event and would probably go fine. But he’ll be late so I’m not worrying about this.

Starting this Sunday I’ll be 37 weeks, and that’s the first day a home birth is possible. Which means that I need the tub set up, all the supplies ready, and many laundered hats, towels, and receiving blankets. I need the car seat installed by then. And I need to file an extension on my taxes. And do a photo shoot of my prego bod thanks to my sister and her fancy camera. So there’s a bit to do before Sunday.

Tomorrow I’ll verify his position on an ultrasound, Thursday I’ll drop off my Group B Strep sample (pray for negative) and visit the chiropractor (the numbness on my left thigh has turned to sunburn-like pain), and Friday AAA will install the carseat.

So many lists of things to do when all they need on Call the Midwife is a clean sheet, a few towels, and a basin! So many labor techniques from hypnobirthing to Bradley Method to Birthing From Within to mindfulness–CDs, podcasts, books… I crave simplicity and putting faith in my intuition, gauging the right amount of prep that leaves me calm and not overwhelmed. Ready-ish is the goal. My friend J who gave birth two weeks ago said, “K, you will just know what to do.” Inchallah. It is my deep wish.

These last days are precious, not just for planning, but to appreciate my freedom. To sleep at long stretches, to laze around, to do whatever I want at all moments. To waddle around downtown with people’s eyes covertly on my disproportional belly. Today looked so much like the day I sat in Justin Herman Plaza last August and listened to Olga’s voicemail triumphantly announcing my pregnancy test results–“I have great, great, great news!” And now that tiny cluster of cells is a rumbling 6-pound baby with only one thing left on his to-do list in utero: to fatten up.

On Sunday, I skyped with my sister B and our nieces–here they are checking out the belly. (After this, they showed me their bellies, obv.) 🙂

breech, gratitude, homebirth, IVF, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

happy

March 30, 2014 thesolomamaproject

Please watch this video of NYC people dancing to the song “Happy”–only if you want to feel happy, smile, and maybe (probably) dance. It gets me teary in the same way that the Virgin America safety video gets me teary–so life-affirming, somehow. That’s what it’s all about.

I’ve been feeling happy! Why? BABY FLIPPED! I went to the chiropractor on Wednesday and she said, “This baby is head down!” and Em confirmed it the next day. It was the hugest relief, just huge. I had done a lot of the techniques on my list, and some of them may have worked. Most effective seemed to be the moxa followed by a hot bath with frozen vegetables on the top of my belly. My belly was rippling with his dramatic movements.

But, most of all, it was a lesson in trusting my intuition–and also, crazily enough, his. I put my faith in the idea that this baby knows how he’d like to be born. I gazed at this poster to give him additional inspiration:

And he totally did his thing. To ensure that he stays in place, I’m still doing the moxa every other day, deep squats, walking, and listening with my new fetalscope to confirm that his heartbeat can be heard best just above my pelvis. Yay, baby, yay, baby!!!

Also, I’m just happy right now. My baby is on his way and I’m already 35 weeks. Two friends on a long road of infertility just let me know they’re pregnant–local SMC friend J and also a blogger friend in England who’s also an SMC (and while you’re on her site, don’t miss her video “Ice, Ice Babies”). Healthy new babies were recently born to longtime friend L and newer friend and prenatal yoga partner and fellow homebirther J–the first of our crew to give birth (I have yet to hear the story!!). I got about halfway through my thank you cards (phew). I ordered some stuff I needed online (including an overdue giant body pillow), picked up my laundry, cleaned the house (ps you don’t realize how much cleaning the house requires bending). Went to a dinner party last night with 3 pregnant friends and their husbands, all due within the next 6 weeks. I’m almost done with Book 6 of Harry Potter. Kabuki Springs is going to email me when they get more green sarongs in from Indonesia. I’ve started writing down names. These are good times!

I don’t write about work here but let’s just say that it feels less and less relevant as the approaching birth takes center stage. I’ll leave my projects in good shape, but man it takes a lot of energy to get through a work day. On weeknights I just want mindless viewing (just rewatched Desperately Seeking Susan) and to not do my dishes. I can totally understand taking off 4 weeks before the due date, although I’m definitely not wishing these days to go faster–they are sweet and precious and I need them all to get through the to do list. Maternity leave starts 4/25.

So what’s still on the list, let’s see…I need a space heater. Who told me they could give me one again? Please remind me. Need to put in the little washer and dryer. Need a sarong from Kabuki (I picture myself laboring in a sarong). By 37 weeks, I need the carseat installed, the tub set up and tested out, and…the house decluttered (getting there). I need to do my taxes and do a will. I need to give away a pile of baby stuff I don’t need from the hand-me-down pile. I need to find a pediatrician.

I had a dream that I started going into labor. I experienced a dream contraction which I breathed through with my mom by my side. I woke up and was glad I wasn’t really in labor yet and also kind of laughed at myself for inventing a sensation I can’t possibly imagine. Before I went to study abroad, I had recurring dreams of being in France, walking down cobblestone streets, thinking, “I can’t believe I’m really here!”–and I wasn’t. I had not yet been to France and my brain was cutely trying to invent what it might be like. I can sense it beginning to do that now.

Although I don’t have many details yet from J about her new Peanut, she did text me this today, “I feel like I was in a weight lifting competition and I won! Sore, tired, proud! I get emotional just thinking that people I love like you will go through it soon.”

Which of course gets me emotional too… She came with me to birth class as my partner two nights before giving birth!

Here’s my selfie for this week. I read today that the baby won’t get much longer at this point but will continue to fatten up by about half a pound a week, so there will be more growing to do. According to strangers with no internal editors, I have achieved “about to pop” status–with 5 weeks to go.

Have a great week, friends! xo

family, gratitude, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC, writing

quinoa and gratitude

March 13, 2014 thesolomamaproject

I’m going to try a new strategy tonight: write a little before the quinoa is done, and write a little after.

I’m so beat. Sometimes acupuncture just knocks me out so my eyes are heavy like I need to go straight to bed and it’s only 7pm. And sometimes just being this pregnant is enough to make anyone deeply tired. I keep dropping things on the floor! Over and over. It’s a long trip down and a workout coming up. I got on the bus tonight and three women jumped out of their seats. So I guess I’m getting on the more noticeable side of looking big and tired.

So much to write about! Better check the quinoa.

I’m eating leftover Thai basil chicken with quinoa now, and baby boy is tapping my belly button to let me know that he is probably still posterior. Thankfully, he’s head down but we want him facing my back and lately he’s facing front. My sister’s daily chant to her babies in utero: “Head down! Chin tucked! Arms straight! Back to belly! Yay, baby, yay, baby!” (Did I get it right, D?) It worked, so I’m doing it. I have yet to look at the site, but apparently there’s advice on how to get your baby positioned on http://www.spinningbabies.com (love the name)

I had my shower last Saturday. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Coincidentally on International Women’s Day, this was a collection of amazing women–artists, therapists, health practitioners, small business owners, nonprofit directors, entrepreneurs, salespeople, musicians, researchers, engineers, teachers. Stay at home moms, single moms, partnered moms, single ladies, and pregnant homebirthers. Dreamers and doers, big-hearted givers, touchy-feely sentimentalists, smart and sassy jokesters. They offered to babysit, they offered to drop what they’re doing to help, they offered their husbands’ help for man jobs.They brought baby gear from their garages and closets. I adore these women and feel so fortunate to have this local community (plus many dear friends afar!). One thing I am proud to say I do well is pick my friends.

Many joyful tears were shed as we anticipate the arrival of Baby Boy! Having my sisters on either side of me at the front of the room (in matching dresses, unplanned) left me so moved that I became kind of quiet and awestruck (although in all the photos I have this huge, glowing smile). D flew cross-country to be there and brought adorable decorations. B hosted and made it look easy. They, along with my mom and friends L and C, planned and executed the shower I wanted, without me lifting a finger or even being very specific. L made eclairs. C was a blur of activity throughout the party she worked so hard.The concentration of love that day was so sweet.

So, I’ve been floating on a love cloud ever since Saturday, and, on top of the outpouring of love, there’s been an outpouring of help. After being so used to doing everything myself, it is a miracle when someone takes down the trash or cleans the bathroom floor (let’s be honest, I just don’t do it–thanks Mom), or grocery shops, or does the laundry. And then there was all the baby prep–clothes categoried by 0-3 months, 3-6, 6-12, 12-24. This kid may not wear the same outfit twice with all the hand-me-downs we’ve received (I might add–thanks especially to M and A for mass quantities of beautiful boy clothes). During the shower, my dad and J went to Target to get big storage bins and then attacked my closets. Furniture is all in place. Random things around the house have been fixed. My sister D helped me comb through what I should keep and what’s duplicated or unneeded and what I’ll need when. My parents even took a giant ball of tangled jewelry and made a project of matching the earrings, hanging the necklaces, collecting the rings. I would have never found the time to do that!

All the big stuff is pretty much in place, which means I no longer have to sit around wide-eyed wondering how it’s all going to happen. I have a changing table, a co-sleeper, 3 strollers, I think 5 different carriers, dressers and cabinets full of clothes. I have diapers and wipes and burp cloths and swaddling blankets and a carseat for now and also the one I’ll need 6 months later. So so so many hats. Many terrific books! Gift certificates for food! And even some cash for necessities! The relief I feel is consuming. The nesting/prep impulse satisfied. I’m not done but I’m in really good shape, and if baby came tomorrow, which is always possible, I would be pretty darn ready. (Please stay in there, dude.)

So, yes, another gratitude post. Such a one-hit wonder! But it’s kind of shocking, even for me, how fabulous this all feels. This baby has already: made me stronger, brought new friends, somehow engineered a bigger apartment right before he was conceived, gotten me to dream big about my future, helps me take better care of myself, and teaches me not to take any of it for granted. He’s an amazing guy!!

I already do feel like I know him. And I do. Just not in the way I know anyone else. It’s the coolest thing.

And I never forget the path that got me here, nor my friends still on that path. Love to you, and blessings.

I’ve been wanting to make this list for a while so I’ll do it now even though this post is getting long:

Things I want to remember about pregnancy.

–My left outer thigh has been pretty much numb for the past 4 months.

–Sleeping positions require strategy. I wake up whimpering and then have to set up the pillows in a new configuration. Then hope I can get back to sleep before getting too hungry or having to pee.

–All day, I’m having an ongoing, internal conversation with the little one who so randomly flails around in there and gets the hiccups a lot. It’s impossible to care as much about a conference call when your baby has the hiccups in your belly. Sometimes he thumps (lately on my bladder). Sometimes his movement feels shivery or bubbly. Sometimes it feels like there’s a little hand feeling around thoughtfully on the other side.

–I crave meat. I recently read that my blood type (O negative) does better with meat (so much for 10 years of vegetarianism back in the day). I also crave chewing ice (my iron is low but not really that low). And, of course, carbs and sugar but that’s nothing new. Dairy is my friend.

–There are many, many discomforts of pregnancy that I have been lucky not to experience. But today I was walking and wondering if I’d experience round ligament pain. Maybe I was wondering because I felt like I was starting to get what felt like a stitch in my side. Pretty soon it was so bad I had to stop walking and take the bus. Who knows? It’s all par for the course.

–Every time I do anything, I am conscious of being a pregnant lady. The only exceptions are: momentarily when I’m really concentrating on something. And there’s a side-lying position in bed when I can almost imagine I have my regular body (and this is achieved by a complicated pillow configuration). I stare at women’s flat bellies, remembering. But lately it feels like my identity and it’s hard to imagine that a big transitional life event is about to put me on the other side. I always thought the empty belly would be a little sad, but then there’s the enormous consolation of having your baby where you can see him and love him up.

–The timing of the pregnancy has gone ideally. It doesn’t feel too fast or too slow, just right. Last night, my friend E advised, “Pretty soon, you’re going to start feeling trapped and freaked out like–I need this baby out! And that’s normal.” So, that may be coming (especially considering I have about 8 weeks of continuing to get bigger). But even the crappy parts are part of pregnancy, and I wanted to be pregnant for so long… It’s hard to be too pissed off about any of it.

–and, finally, my boobs are barely any bigger. So weird! We’ll give this one time.

OK, friends, time for bed. Love to you. Thanks for letting me bliss out for a sec. xo

Buddhism, dating, gratitude, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC, writing

closer

February 23, 2014 thesolomamaproject

Well, this is exciting–I sat down not knowing what I would write about and we’ll just see where it goes.

Before this blog, I started a blog years ago called “I should be writing.” I know it, I feel it, it’s that thing that comes up for me when people ask–what do you really want to do? what’s your passion project? what’s your dream? Yet I somehow resist Annie Lamott’s advice: “butt in the chair.” So many things that must get done first–from enough sleep (which lately is #1), to work, to errands, to keeping up with friends. And no, I won’t get on my own case right now while I’m 30 weeks pregnant and am doing a generally impressive job of balancing it all. But, let’s be honest–this is an interesting time to write about. And, even though I have no visceral sense yet of the sleep deprivation and bodily fluids and overwhelming love about to take over my life, I hope I’ll keep finding the energy to write. Blogs, books, miscellaneous projects that lead in cool directions.

Right now, I’m watching Arcade Fire on Austin City Limits while the baby makes ripples on my belly.

I like it when I put my hand on my belly and it feels like the baby is feeling around on the other side, curious as me about who’s out there. Sometimes he does a booty shake. Sometimes it feels like he is purposely tickling me on the side. I think he already has a sense of humor.

He is my passion project right now, obviously. Nothing at all competes with that. I just watched an interview with Anna Daveare Smith, talking about her goal of making the world better. What am I doing to make the world better? I am working on putting another lovebug into the world.

I know it’s all bigger than my to-do list–I need less doing and more being as my due date approaches.

I visited two dear friends in the suburbs over the weekend, both with big houses and husbands and three kids each. I sometimes get so used to my alternative path that I forget how alternative it is, hanging out with my single mom friends, comparing notes on navigating the challenges of our expensive city. This is my new normal, the life I created, the life the universe provided. No, my son probably won’t have the backyard and excellent public schools and laundry rooms of my youth as long as we stay here. But he will have an incredible city full of opportunities at his doorstep, his own room (a miracle), and so much love.

Someone asked me recently if I felt miserable and couldn’t wait for the pregnancy to be over. I don’t even speak this language. Yes, I’ve been super lucky with an easy physical experience. But after all it took to get here I wouldn’t trade in one minute. I’m happy to be here, exactly here, with 2+ months to go. I have a bunch of visitors about to flood in over the next couple weeks. They will help me move furniture and organize closets and celebrate. This celebration feels bigger than all previous ones combined.

So, yes–we’re back to gratitude. We have everything we need. “The love you seek is already here.” good night xo

acupuncture, anxiety, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

intuition

February 9, 2014 thesolomamaproject

Today is the beginning of my third trimester: 28 weeks. Baby boy is the size of an eggplant and I’m starting to slow down and focus.

My doula came over today and we talked a lot about holding a sense of peace and clarity and connection with the baby amidst all that life and well-intentioned people and Google may throw at you. An interesting case study on this subject is that I recently got off the fence and got a flu shot. I had been abstaining with the idea that I would rather not inject anything I don’t absolutely have to, especially when they specifically tell you that studies haven’t been done on pregnant women. However, my acupuncturist made a gentle but strong case to me and the risk of getting really sick finally outweighed any potential risk of the actual shot. I’d been unsure and getting mixed messages for weeks and months, but finally I got clear.

I got the shot on Wednesday night, and on Thursday I developed a paranoia that the baby was quieter than usual. I knew that it was a manifestation of my anxiety and probably nothing more, yet I somehow felt like I gave him the flu. Then, he woke me up at 3am that night with unprecedented tumbling somersaults–the first time he ever woke me with his movement. My doula took this as a sign of good communication–he let me know he was OK.

As I get closer to becoming an actual mom, I wonder–how do you trust that you know what is right for your baby even when your trusted experts may disagree with each other and/or you? The flu shot was a relatively low-stakes version of this scenario but the question still looms large.

Last night, my mom asked me what has surprised me most about being pregnant, and I told her that it’s the intuition, the sense that I do have an open line of communication with this little guy, even as I’m on conference calls and scrubbing the bathtub and riding the bus. I couldn’t have anticipated this. No one else knows what he’s saying through his interpretive dances. I get every single email. Now this extra sense is a part of every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment. I used to think it was a sci-fi alien experience to have a baby in your belly but in reality it feels like an extension of me, my new normal. I love his presence. I do have a sense of what’s right for him–yet I know it won’t always be black and white, and I will make lots and lots (and lots) of mistakes. I also know that I want to keep developing this intuition because it’s probably always right.

Today, my doula drew this for me:

Lately I do have a stronger sense of what I need, a tighter focus on what’s important. My former mentor once said, “Saying no to others is saying yes to yourself.” Saying no has always been tough for me. I won’t be able to be as accommodating as I’ve been in the past. No–I can’t make it, I can’t commit, I can’t say what I’ll be doing over Labor Day weekend. Even if I know that setting boundaries or opting out or canceling plans is really good and healthy for me, it’s still hard. Because it represents a fundamental shift in behavior–I won’t be so easygoing, flexible, no problem I’ll come to you. Some people won’t like it and will reflect back a note of disappointment. Most will completely understand. And I feel like this shift is something I’ve been working toward for a long time, and the baby is giving me a boost. Which is one of his first gifts to me.

The lessons just arrive one on top of the other through this journey. You know what you need. Trust it. Trust the emails from your baby. Trust that your body knows. Stay here.

This trust will serve me in the third trimester and in labor and through motherhood. Dropping the ‘shoulds’ and comparisons and what ifs and just being with what I already know, deep in my reptilian brain, ditching the frequently unhelpful neo-cortex. (As my doula noted, we are the only animal who attends birth prep classes.)

This week’s photo was taken outside the Kabuki Sundance theater where my sister and I saw “American Hustler” (good!) and ran out of interesting backdrops on this rainy night. The belly is now getting me a seat on the bus and my belly button is threatening to invert.

Have a great week, wise ones. xo

gratitude, outdoors, parenthood, pregnancy

26 weeks

January 27, 2014January 28, 2014 thesolomamaproject

No time to write! I will say I have rounded a corner on planning, having made a dent in my registry and given actual thought to things like diapers, breast pumps, and swaddling blankets. It is truly overwhelming how much there is to learn. My inventory of hand-me-downs people have dropped off reads more like a registry than my actual registry, what good fortune! The joy of having a baby when so many friends are wrapping it up and excited to free up some closet space. I have an army of consultant moms.

I’m leaving for my last x-country biz trip on Wednesday, the gentlest way I know how: a direct flight on Virgin America where I will order endless bottles of water and possibly even wear a mask. But before I go, I didn’t want to neglect this week’s belly photo gallery, shot by Dr. B at Fort Funston where I had somehow never been despite having moved here in 1997: