We’ve clicked over to a new cycle, folks. I returned home tonight to be greeted by AF, in all her blazing, scarlet glory.
Amazing how much it felt like getting dumped, only (thankfully) by a guy I hadn’t been seeing for that long. Like around… 2 weeks. But I wasn’t that into him, anyway. Not yet.
So then what? Well, I pulled out a tampon and pantiliner and a beer. And ate two big slices of pizza. And wrote this.
Earlier today, I got really panicky leaving LA after spending an exhilarated weekend thinking, “I probably am.” Because, at the same time, I always thought that AF would be the harbinger of negative news but it really threw me when she didn’t show. (Each bathroom visit where she didn’t show seemed to reinforce that she never would.) Leaving my busy work weekend, I couldn’t figure out when to take a test, what test to take, when is it 99% accurate, how can I do this PERFECTLY so that the result is the one I want? I started to feel like such a big farce, fanning the flames of expectation with all my friends and family when I really couldn’t possibly know yet. I called my parents, flustered, and they sounded worried about what the weight of disappointment could do to me. When I landed in SF, I drove straight to the office at 8pm on a Sunday to do 3+ hours of work. Get the work monkey off my back, anyway.
Let’s be real–this was my very first try. My doctor said, let’s expect it to take 6 months. (And he’s not going to count the IUI at Pac Repro.) I’ve learned a LOT. My friend MM texted me tonight how much she’s enjoying my blog, and how it feels nice to be partnering with me in my journey, as a community. SO nice to hear that–can I tell you how much that means to me??? It’s scary sometimes to put all this out there publicly. And yet, I already can’t imagine doing this without you, dear readers and friends.
As predicted, I am glad to have planned ahead with UCSF, so this month is indeed a new month. Maybe this time I won’t drag you along on quite the detailed play-by-play; or maybe I will. Who knows? I feel a little sheepish but also like finally I can let it all hang out instead of being paralyzed by hope.
Next time it’ll be old hat, we’ll be like, oh–has it been a month already?
I’m grateful that I don’t feel like crying. Or giving up.
the solo mama project 
Good for you! Sounds to me like you’re grounded, sweet sister. Mama-in-training, for sure! Climb on!
It’s SO disappointing when you feel like the stars were all aligned, and you *felt* pregnant, and then it doesn’t happen. With this most recent pregnancy, when I was trying to get pregnant and it didn’t work, I’d tell myself that it was my body saving me from having what Tina Fey joked about as her second (and grotesquely deformed) child “Ball of Fingers.” Your body is waiting for the perfect conditions to host that perfect little being with 10 teeny fingers and 10 teeny toes and the cutest nose ever.
Don’t stop now. You hear stories about people who got pregnant the first time they tried, or by accident, but there aren’t very many of those people. They’re just a little louder with their cocktail party storytelling. So keep your earplugs in your pocket and don’t let yourself get derailed.
old hats are the most loved. if the hat lasts that long, you know its a keeper. Like your friends. We love you!!! And have any of us told you lately that you’re amazing ? 🙂