Month: April 2012

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, Uncategorized

ucsf and challenges and triplets

thesolomamaproject

My appointment at UCSF was at 8am and I arrived a little early as directed, which turned out to be even earlier than the front desk staff. I sat down across from a sign with all the doctors’ names listed and realized that these people have become like celebrities to me–I knew at least one or two anecdotal facts about each one: Dr. Cedars is super amazing and the most highly recommended (no availability until June), Dr. Huddleston is fantastic as well (also a long wait), and Dr. Fujimoto will make you cry (I heard this from more than one former patient). The one doc I knew nothing about was the one with the earliest availability, and the one with whom I had an appointment today: Dr. Tran. Before long, I was ushered into his office.

Well, I just have to highly recommend Dr. Tran. He is easygoing, handsome, somewhat softspoken, neutral (not too harsh and not too cuddly either). The results, after an ultrasound, were good news. He said my ovarian reserve is eggcellent. Just kidding, he said, “Your ovarian reserve is excellent,” but he said it twice. Now I have a whole game plan to put in motion if round 1 is a no-go, including a bunch of tests, a psych evaluation (required whenever donors are involved–I asked if having a therapist counts and he said no), that tube test (HSG?), and then 3 months of natural IUI’s. Then, we’ll see where we are. He seemed totally unfazed by me being a single woman pursuing this on my own.

I sometimes forget, actually, that people might be fazed by this. It’s likely that some people around me at some point will be challenged by what I, and other single women in my situation, seem to be saying about the necessity and importance of men and fathers, not to mention the institution of marriage. Or some may feel that by choosing to do this, I am saying to parents, “I can totally handle this on my own whereas you were kind of a mess and complained a lot. And you have a husband.”

In truth, I have nothing but admiration for men, and dads, and MY dad, and people who manage to get married and stay married through parenthood and have a good thing going (and I’m not giving up on this either). And while I do not know the exhausted chaos and epic sacrifice of parenthood firsthand, I know enough to know approximately what I could be getting myself into. This could cause me to move, change careers, stop dating indefinitely, give up my interests for a while or permanently, spend my life savings, go into debt, etc. Probably not all of the above at the same time, though, except in the case of multiples–but even if I had triplets, I would bet money that my community would not allow me to go down in flames.

OK, let’s not invoke the triplets!!! I’m going to bed before this goes any further. I imagine I’m preaching to the unfazed anyway. Very thrilled about the UCSF plan and going into Day 26 with no clues about what’s going on in there now that I 100% do not trust messages from my body. Good night!

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

maybe

thesolomamaproject

Feeling zen after a day that included therapy, acupuncture, and group meditation. Yes, I am a caricature of a Northern Californian.  I’ve been staying attuned to the yo-yo nature of the infamous two-week-wait (“I probably am!” “I’m probably not…”) and all the accompanying emotions, which thankfully have not been too intense. Mostly, I’m calm and going about my biz. However, I’ve experienced every phantom symptom under the sun (I won’t bore you with the extremely long list) and have been amazed at just how hyper-vigilant I can be about the minute to minute sensations of my uterus. Tracking my temps (staying high would be a good sign), resisting a home pregnancy test, and patiently waiting to see who shows up: Aunt Flo or a bun in the oven. Consider the vast difference between these two possibilities and staying prepared for both. 8dpo (days past ovulation). I will probably write  a novel before these 2 weeks are up.

I have a long-standing appointment to get set up with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist, aka fertility doctor, aka the doc who could do my future IUI’s) at UCSF tomorrow morning, so in the event that AF does arrive this weekend, I will have Round 2 in the works. I like how that turned out.

Meanwhile, how does one live with big uncertainty? I keep thinking about a poem I wrote in college, and wanted to share it here. It’s called “maybe”.

on the wall there

gold and starlike

MAYBE

it said

like a dogtreat,

a dangling affirmative,

a not definitely no—

and i can feel the warmth

of a yes,

the neat crunch

of the bullseye.

i used my fingernail

instead of a coin.

my metallic silver fingers

close around the neck

of a gun

and i’m chasing

a moving target,

peeking out its bright face

from behind trees—

i didn’t read the rules,

i couldn’t, they were

miniscule, needed a

telescope,

radar.

i throw out another line

from my stationary nightboat,

gaze up at that star.

biological clock, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

writing about writing

thesolomamaproject

Wheeee! What an honor to receive such sweet comments! Plus, wordpress tells me that my site has been viewed 68 times, which I’m guessing is about a dozen visitors plus me checking back every half an hour… I know that blogging can be somewhat of a one-way street, so it’s really nice to get feedback, and I hope you loudmouths will keep it up.

Completely aside from the topic of trying to get pregnant, I’m excited to have a writing project. My last adventure in writing was when I took a Personal Essay class at the Writing Salon around the time I turned 30 and was heartbroken over the end of a long relationship. The class turned out to be all women. We dug up these super emotionally-charged topics from our own lives and everyone would be nodding and smiling and crying because we’d all been there and it was really more like therapy. When you’re going through a hellish time, it’s so important to remember just how many people are or were in your boat. Because it’s pretty much everyone. That’s an easy one to forget, and so consoling to remember.

After that class, I got away from writing creatively for many years. I keep a journal but honestly have become lazy over the fact of having to handwrite it. When I think to myself: What have I not done yet with my life that I would regret if it all ended tomorrow? What comes up for me is: “I haven’t written my book.” (And, “I haven’t started a family” but you knew that one.) It’s so silly and cliché and American, but there it is. Hopefully it’s also a commentary on how I’ve done pretty well with this one wild and precious life, with no major regrets that I can think of, just gratitude…it seems like things have turned out the way they needed to.

Including doing this without a partner. Somewhere in the years of casually considering and the 6 months of seriously planning, I adjusted to the idea of becoming a single mom. By choice. (Or, as some call it, a “choice mom” which sounds totally weird to me, as in, “That’s a choice mom,” or “Check out the MILF!) Not that I wouldn’t prefer doing this with someone. Do I even have to say that? Of course I would rather share parenthood with someone I love who helps out and gives foot massages and brings in a whole second income.

But the plain fact was that when the music stopped at the end of my 30s, I was left standing. It’s ridiculous! Unacceptable! Unfair! How could it be?? says the chorus of friends and family as well as the one in my mind in moments of high self esteem. But… it just is. And: it’s not forever. I’m convinced that ultimately I couldn’t be at peace in a relationship until I resolved this. So, that divorced dad is somewhere down the road, and he will think I am the most courageous and passionate lady he’s ever met. Or maybe I’ll meet him tomorrow, shoot! I’m not off the market yet, people! Or maybe he’ll read my bestselling book. Or see the movie. That’ll seal the deal.

biological clock, breakup, depression, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

a little bit on how i got here

thesolomamaproject

OK, moving nonchalantly into daily posting. I will act as though I didn’t already change the name of this blog 8 times since last night. doo doo dooooo

Except I did. But now I’ve landed on “the solo mama project: one baby step at a time.” I love it because it incorporates all the important aspects of my journey: I am choosing to become a mom on my own, and this is an enormous project that, like any enormous project, can only really be done in tiny steps. Baby steps. Every day, I have maybe one step to take. Later on, there may be several, or it may feel like all the steps need to be taken at once, or like stepping has turned into a big exhausted tangle. But that’s when someone will remind me to check back in with the Buddha who brings me back to the present. The path IS the goal, yo.

What led up to this decision?

When my last serious relationship ended last fall, I signed up the next day to become a member of www.singlemothersbychoice.org and began hatching my plan to become pregnant on my own. I had been so impatient for so long. This was the most recent of a series of relationships where my desire to be a mom had become a liability. The clock was ticking so loudly I could barely make it past the first date without verbal confirmation that he wanted kids “someday.” My ears were spectacularly calibrated to pick up even mumbled/drunk references to the possible future existence of his/our kids and/or any reference to settling down of any kind: saving money, buying a house, launching a business. I could piece together the future that I wanted for us (i.e. a family) based on these casual throwaway comments, and find out later, in the throes of the breakup, that he “wasn’t even thinking about that stuff.” The natural timeline of a relationship (for all of its better/worse elements) was ultimately usurped by my own body’s natural timeline and my body won but not without a lot of hardship–in those last few months of the relationship, I was barely sleeping, had nonstop anxiety, and, finally, depression. I was not on the right path, at all.

I wouldn’t say I’ve ever been “baby crazy” in the sense of crying during baby commercials or hating all my friends with babies or going ballistic if there’s a baby in the room and I’m not holding it. Baby crazy in kind of a rational way. The fact is that women do not remain fertile forever. Technology has allowed women to get pregnant later and later but that’s no easy road no matter what the celebrity magazines report. My ex said plaintively, “Can’t you just keep running marathons?” Well, no, honey. That’s just ignorant.

My therapist has gently checked in with me about once a year for the last few years on pursuing the solo mom track: are you ready now to maybe begin researching what this would entail to do it on your own? And every year I considered and it with some distaste; it just sounded wrong. I wasn’t ready, wanted to keep looking, give the search for a partner a little more time. This time, I was ready. In fact, I was sneaking browsing sessions on the SMC site even before the breakup, as if I were cheating or looking at porn. I gave myself until the end of 2011 to finalize the decision, started meeting SMCs (Single Moms by Choice), researching sperm banks, looking at my insurance and finances. At the very end of the year, I took a solo trip to the Grand Canyon to have a heart-to-heart with the universe. We shook on it.

And where am I today?

Fast forward through starting up prenatal vitamins, getting checkups, going off all meds (including Paxil), getting set up with the sperm bank, and one missed cycle in March, and I have now had my first IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination). I am 6 days in! There is either the most joyful, magical, miraculous thing taking place in my body, or not. The wait is 2 weeks before a home preg test would show conclusive results, and I’m doing well with the uncertainty so far although the ladies on the SMC discussion boards uniformly go nuts in week 2.

In these months of planning, I have absolutely re-found my path. After all my struggles with insomnia last summer, I am now sleeping impeccably. I feel the full landscape of possible emotions and I use the tools at my disposal when they get overwhelming. One will be this blog, so please forgive me in advance for TMI and overdone venting.

Please stay tuned for Week 2: Crazytown!

single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

my first blog…ever

thesolomamaproject

Here I am! There’s been a lot of hemming and hawing over many years about needing to write more. I have a blog somewhere called “I should be writing” which has exactly one post. Back when I created that one, there were about three design options, whereas now there are hundreds and I have obsessed over each detail–the name and the tagline (shout out to my sister the Sizzler who helped), the design, and, now, the first post. The Inaugural Post!

Now seems like an excellent time to start writing For Real because I’m in the process of trying to get pregnant as a single mom. I have A LOT to say about this! So, my first objective is to provide a place for me to process, vent, reach out, and generally express myself. Next, it will be a place for friends and family to follow my journey on a more daily basis and maybe, if I’m lucky, get interested enough to check back regularly on the saga! Finally, I will link over from Single Mothers by Choice, the national nonprofit that provides resources and discussion boards for women like me who’ve run out of time to find a partner and launch into parenthood on their own. I hope some SMC’s (Single Mothers by Choice) follow me on over here once in a while.

Dare I dream that strangers could find this blog appealing? If they do, awesome–and especially great if young women who are contemplating single motherhood find some solace or reassurance or at least a helpful example.

Much more to come….time for bed as I have an early yoga class with a friend in Palo Alto–time to break out the Lulu Lemon 😉