…is the number of sperm in the 2 washed vials (for the price of one!) that were gently placed in my uterus two days ago, “with blessings and love” from Ingrid. And with that, we’re off to the races.
Afterward, in the spirit of “goin’ about my biz,” I decided to go to an impromptu happy hour to see a couple of colleagues in from NYC, including my boss’ boss. I showed up to a nice welcome and whispered to the waitress that I’d be fine with water. The boss’ boss shouted, “WHY, ARE YOU PREGNANT? YOU KNOW IF YOU DON’T DRINK EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE PREGNANT! HAR HAR!” and I did my best, Oh my GOD of course not, HAHA, I’m just planning on exercising later so (mumble, mumble)…and then everyone moved on. It was still weird, and will only get weirder as the months of intermittent drinking go on. Ah well…let them think what they will!
Yesterday, I decided to cancel the Friday night date because I was feeling less comfortable with it all the time. Contemplating my love life as a sidebar to the baby project has been quite the dilemma in itself… I thought that, theoretically, a more casual thing for once could possibly fit nicely given the bandwidth that must be reserved for trying to conceive as well as the fact that I’m no longer angling to find a babydaddy. But when this guy expressed more than once that he’s not looking for a relationship “per se” and suggested meeting at 10pm, I thought: why would I spend time on something that I wasn’t at least open to seeing where it goes? Why am I settling for another not-good-enough situation? Noticing also that it felt icky to put the maybe-baby in proximity to potentially messy dramz. I ended up giving this guy my honest assessment that I’m upgrading what I’m looking for (an open-ended connection, even despite or in addition to or because of my trying to have a baby), and said I’d still like to talk about music sometime, which he said he’d be open to maybe after a little time for switching gears on the whole thing. Another nice, talented, unavailable guy.
Tonight, I had dinner with two fellow SMCs, Ms. R and JJ. We absolutely howled with laughter–there is just too much funny and ridiculous stuff that goes on in this process. Between diet and temperature and donor status and dating and paperwork and tests and meltdowns and you name it. There is a LOT to discuss and I’m grateful to be going through this with a tribe.
Tomorrow morning, I have the important job of transporting two vials of my dear donor’s sperm in a rented cryotank from PRS to UCSF to be sworn in with a pile of witnessed signatures and paperwork. Glad, again, to be taking action on the next round while the current one is still in process. Later in the day, I’ll return to UCSF for the psych evaluation, which, from what JJ says, is a lot of, “Have you considered X super-obvious thing that you’ve obviously been obsessing about for months?” I will try to nod and smile instead of saying, “Oh, wow! Huh! No, I really hadn’t considered how I’ll handle child care! Thanks for the reminder!” etc. I think of it as another task to check off the list, and I already have a therapist to counsel me through this, thank you.
Then a real weekend of real rest (and doing my taxes, which are late and no extension, oops). Good night