Yep, she showed up. I went to bed early last night and really felt her looming. This morning she was here. As we say in the lingo, “I’m out.”
I really processed this on Friday so I’m doing fine. The negative spiral pulls me down a “OMG I can’t get my life to move forward” path, but I know many truer things like: 1. this takes time, 2. with time, I am better mentally prepared, 3. I’m building a community, 4. this child will come into being when he/she is ready.
A few kind sentiments from friends and family the past few days that helped:
- If it doesn’t happen this month, think of it as more time to rest and plan.
- Breathe, relax, flow with life. This path is non-linear and mysterious and unfolds in its own time.
- A child comes to life when its mother first has the idea to conceive it. The moment the idea is born, the child is born.
A few treats I lined up for myself in the event of this: a cut/color (long overdue), a cocktail (conveniently there’s a farewell happy hour this afternoon for a colleague), and call in the housecleaner! Although, I must say that I did some nice cleaning over the weekend and my place feels cozy.
Also, I’ve made some decisions about travel over the next few months which I’ve been struggling to do waiting for my body to do something. Yosemite this weekend w/ MM finally! 2 weeks in MI in July! And: I’ve been so on the fence about going to Rio for a friend’s wedding at the end of August, not knowing how to plan around all of the above. (My travel companion will be my boss, of all people, as this is a work friend’s wedding.) But, as my friend J pointed out yesterday, “It’s never going to get any easier.” That was the tipping point. I may choose to skip a month, or I may feel fine, or I may choose to spontaneously share my news earlier than intended to explain why I’m so sick, but we can’t plan ANY of that now. So, I’m going. I feel better having these things resolved so my “planning mind” can plow ahead.
Too bad you don’t get instant replay of conception. I was telling my Dad the other day that I bet in the future, you’ll get a video afterward–ovulation, fertilization, flowing down the tubes, implantation. Or, if you don’t end up conceiving, the video shows the egg hanging out for a while, checking her watch, and then giving up, and the sperm frenetically showing up too late. No videos these days, though. All we get is a hit or miss.
And so, we embark on the UCSF chapter.