outdoors, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

renewal

There’s something about fresh air and natural beauty and sleeping on the ground that makes me feel more like me, so I knew it would help pull me out of whatever hole I sunk into last week. It feels so good to be out there that I inevitably start fantasizing about becoming a park ranger. I must say that every park ranger we met was strikingly handsome in the hat and the sunglasses and the whole nine yards. Especially the Colombian at the gate to Hetch Hetchy: Santiago Palacio. He alone would be a good enough reason to ditch the corporate gig.

All the navigating and tinkering with gear and walking walking walking and breathing mountain air and sleeping next to a gurgling river and hugging giant centuries-old Sequoias…it gets you back to Earth. The general frustrations of the hour fade into the background, and the activities force you to be in the moment. I didn’t think about the baby project much at all, other than imagining that my kid will have a well-stamped national park passport and be able to climb like a mountain goat. It was nice to be away from the blogs and the discussion boards and the emails, texts, phone calls–it was a welcome break, actually. I hadn’t processed that perhaps I needed a little break from the SMC thing, too.

God forbid that places like Yosemite every get wifi or even cell service–I was offline for 3 days and didn’t miss it. We usually didn’t even know what time it was.

I guess that was my fourth time to Yosemite and each time is spiritual and moving, especially my glimpses of Half Dome, which I climbed 4 years ago despite great and overwhelming fear. I fell in love with the guy who climbed up behind me–it was that kind of experience, totally exhilarating and mind-bending and emotional and shared among all the friends on that trip. Half Dome is one of my favorite symbols. I look up there and viscerally feel that 17-mile round-trip day of climbing a vertical mile with that terrifying last half hour on the rock… It’s a monument to my courage! And yours! Among many other things, like being one of the most distinctive and awe-inspiring and beautiful hunks of rock anywhere:

.Image

I also love that my tent is called a “Quarter Dome,” and that all North Face gear has the logo like what you see above… That symbol is everywhere.

A few insights from today: this morning, my therapist pointed out that it’s been exactly a year since I kicked off a super-terrible four months that resulted the end of a relationship. Sometimes the weather shifts and you’re back in that place you were one year before…it sounds right, as a trigger. However, I still reserve the right to downward spiral for NO reason. But it’s nice to have a reason and feel like it’s right.

And: I had my HSG test today, where they insert a catheter and inject dye into your uterus to make sure it flows through the Fallopian tubes and into your abdominal cavity, i.e. no blockages. Well, everyone said it wouldn’t be that bad, and I usually have a high pain tolerance, but it was bad. I will spare you the details. Fortunately, it was brief. But, again, as with anytime it gets really uncomfortable/painful in this process, I thought, “I must really want this.” And, “I hope I’m not so wimpy in childbirth!” Fortunately, the dye flowed, so no issues.

Another step up the giant rock.

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2 thoughts on “renewal”

  1. “Ummmm, you climbed THAT?!??” asks the midwestern friend!
    You are my hero!
    I’m so glad that you reconnected with yourself and, well, so much more. I know you need that. You are an inspiration in more ways than you will ever know, Mme Jeanne. I’m so fortunate to know you.
    Love to you.
    (That HSG hurt? Mine was completely painless. I had been told it only hurt if there were blockages…mine weren’t…so perhaps you had them and the dye unblocked it? I’ve heard that can happen. I thought the whole process was kind of cool. Were you able to watch it on the screen?)

    1. I climbed that! I think it was 2008, additional photos are on FB. Thank you for your kind words, Mme Jeannerino.
      And, yes, the HSG HURT A LOT. I was whimpering and almost writhing. The doc looked surprised and the tech kept yelling KEEP BREATHING from a nearby room and I had wanted to watch on the monitor but couldn’t even turn my head to the side to look as I was just trying to get through it. I have a strong feeling that my experience was worse than most but thankfully it was quick. I’m still a little crampy today! Oy!

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