Last night, arriving home after work and then a nice dinner out with a friend, I sat down on the couch for my first undistracted moment in days. My nurse Olga at UCSF had emailed me at the end of the day, “Hi Katie,
I am about to leave the office but wanted to see if you checked a urine pregnancy test? Please let me know. Thanks! Olga”
In this whole trying to conceive process, I had not yet taken a pregnancy test, preferring to be informed instead by the arrival of AF. But as of last night, I was on the brink of the end of the two week wait, and still hemming and hawing about doing the actual test. Total resistance and paralysis. I talked to my friend C on the phone, spinning in circles about how my Walgreen’s burned down and therefore I just couldn’t figure out what to do next. She said, “OK, I’m just going to throw this out there and you can take it or leave it, but the practical side of me says: you’re going to go to bed, wake up, get a pregnancy test, and then do the test. Then you’ll know and can go on with your weekend!” Wide-eyed, I said, “OK! Yes. That’s sounds like a good plan. I’ll do that.”
I texted Ms. R: “Q: is it supposed to be first morning pee for preg test? If so, should I get it tonight?” She texted back, “I really think it doesn’t matter at all–you either are or you aren’t.” Right. I went to bed.
Woke up, put on my gym clothes, drove to Safeway for bandages for my poor knees, butter for a cookie mix for the SMC meeting (that didn’t happen), hand soap, and… a pregnancy test. The Safeway lady who opened the locked Family Planning glass case for me tittered as I reached for the Clear Blue Pregnancy.
I drove to the Y, arrived late, ran upstairs to tell my trainer R, “Give me five minutes!” ran back down to the locker room bathroom stall, peed on the stick, and, wouldn’t you know, it said “PREGNANT”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blink! Blink!
You guys! I’m pregnant! OMG!
I ran upstairs with the stick, barely hiding it under my arm, interrupted R’s conversation saying, “Can we speak privately?” We went to an office and I held up my shaking hand to show him the stick that said, simply, unequivocally, “Pregnant.” We hugged and jumped up and down and I cried and hyperventilated and realized I had left my phone at home (of all days!) and he took a photo of the positive test (so I could make sure I didn’t dream it later):
I used his phone to call my parents who were out to lunch with friends, and upon hearing the news my dad characteristically burst into tears and handed the phone to my mom. My mom basically did the same and I don’t even know what else I said but ended the call saying I’d better head back in to my training session. They shared a nice moment with their friends and everyone was teary and excited (some who don’t even know me, including neighboring tables)…so sweet!!!
I worked out while feeling like I was having an out of body experience on the moon and then rushed home to tell my sisters, who are together on the east coast. I said, “I got a positive test!” and they were excited and minutes later one of them pointed out I had not stated the words, “I am pregnant” but I’ve since worked up to that and after some phone calls it’s old hat. (ha ha, totally kidding, I can’t even believe these words are coming out of me and it might be a dream!!)
Then, of all times, there was a monthly meeting of SMCs, including some of the best friends I’ve made in this process (JJ, B, Ms. R., we missed you Cr!). Ms. R ran outside to greet me so I got to tell her first, which is fitting since she has been with me from day 1 and a HUGE support and we are pulling for her to stay on my schedule! I went in and got many hugs and happy gazes and felt sensitive about those who have tried so hard for so long and yet it mostly always seems like it’s happy news when a fellow SMC gets a BFP (big fat positive) because it means that it’s possible and real and can happen to any and all of us.
There were two little ones present, a 2-year-old and a 4-month-old present, both adorable, and I have to say I looked at them quite differently all of a sudden, as if I’d never seen little people before. One of the moms teared up with happiness for me, someone I barely know. It’s just too wonderful all these reactions!
This afternoon, I’ve been on the phone and have heard of tears and goosebumps and happy friends and family…I am SO GRATEFUL I CAN’T EVEN STAND IT! Please forgive me for the public blast–I wanted to tell everyone individually but I couldn’t wait another minute, and I know I’ll talk to everyone over time, I NEED you all over time. You all have been so supportive and views are spiking today so I know you’re impatient to find out this happy news! So there it is! Holy shit!!!
A few caveats for the record: it’s early. Let’s be really excited but keep it mellow. I appreciate all your good thoughts for the little poppy seed, who, if all goes well, will arrive in February 2013.
Love and gratitude and more love and happiness and shocked elation from me to you and on behalf of me and the little poppy seed. More soon xo