pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

the cruel truth

I did the blood test this morning. At lunch, I started spotting. Got the call this afternoon with the result: negative. Very negative.

No, it doesn’t make sense. You saw: I had a positive pregnancy test. I had another positive one the next day to make sure. The nurse says that if I were ever pregnant, the result would have been higher. (“Did you use an expired test?”) No! I bought it that day and used the Cadillac of pregnancy tests. I seriously thought it was practically impossible to get a positive if you weren’t pregnant. And I got two in a row!

My brain wants to quibble with the medical mystery side of this story but it doesn’t change the result. For whatever reason, I am just not.

And now I’ve dragged you all along with me. It was a lot more fun to share the good news. Fun to believe it for 5 days. Fun to feel all the love and good wishes, to think about the poppy seed. Why did Clear Blue play this trick on me? I will never know… but it just seems so bizarre and unfair and…cruel.

This feels like a bad dream the way the positive felt like a good dream.

The spotting is most likely my period as this would be Day 31. Unless the blood test is wrong and then I’m just firing everybody.


6 thoughts on “the cruel truth”

  1. I’m SO sorry, sweetie. This is so hard. There’s absolutely nothing I can say right now that will help you–this is a loss, and you should take some time to feel your grief. We are here with you in good times and bad. I don’t think the pregnancy tests were wrong–you most likely had what’s called a “chemical” pregnancy, meaning embryo probably implanted and then miscarried very early due to genetic abnormalities. Most women who are not testing early don’t even know as they just think their period was late. It is possible your HCG levels were already on their way down by the time you tested. Best way to know is test again today–should be negative if your blood was negative. Sending lots of hugs. The only good news about this is that your “plumbing” is working, and hopefully next time the little poppyseed will be there to stay.

  2. I was going to say exactly what Beans above says — and yes, do let yourself feel your grief. I am SO sorry for your loss, dear one. It’s painful and disappointing, and the dream that was born in your heart the day you got that positive result is so hard to let go of. But other dreams await, in shades of pink and blue, and I have faith that your body CAN do this! Love you!

  3. What?! So disappointing…it does seem like a cruel trick. Think of it as a rough draft for the body. Final version on the way.

  4. Katie, I’m also really sorry. Positive prayers for you and the next poppyseed–and, there will be a ‘next’, I just know it. Love you

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