suspended

Hi guys. It’s been a tough week to find the time to write or even know what to write. I even have to make this post quick, since I have to pack for a wedding and jet off to work.

I’ll start by saying that so far everything is OK so far–I know my last post scared some people who had to speed read to the end. Everything, as far as I know, is OK. I am OK.

After sending a query back to Olga about the vastly different response I got from her vs. the other nurse, she sent this:

Hi Katie,
When I read the note it said intrauterine pregnancy but I overlooked that it said no fetal pole. It is still very early in the pregnancy so we should definitely have more information at your next ultrasound on 8/6. 6 weeks is very early and the pregnancy can definitely develop as time passes. I will keep my fingers crossed for your next ultrasound. By 8/6 they should see a fetal pole and a heartbeat. Keep positive and keep me posted. Thanks! Olga

Olga kills me. I try to have a sense of humor about her, but sending a congrats before reading the full note is not excellent care.

The day after my ultrasound, I found out my tentative business trip to Chicago was confirmed for next week and I would need to fly to Chicago the same day as ultrasound #2, as in go straight to the airport directly from UCSF. I knew that would just be too much stress. I decided to meditate on it at meditation group and also sleep on it. By the morning, I had decided to put off my ultrasound #2 by one more week.

I know it sounds kind of bananas since, of course, I am dying to know. But I want to go back when the result will be conclusive and no sooner–no more messing with my head over the chances of what may or may not be. My new appointment is 8/13 at 8.5 weeks with the nurse practitioner (and not the mean doc, thank goodness). Since I’ll be right across the lake from my parents, I decided to take the 55 min flight from Chicago to Manistee to work from their house on Thursday and Friday and spend the weekend here:

It all came together and I felt so relieved. As a final cherry on top: yesterday, work circumstances determined that J will be flying in from NY on Monday to assist me with the presentation–he might even pick me up from the airport. I’ll be surrounded by love and distraction the whole time.

And, even before that, a big wedding weekend 1.5 hours from SF with great friends–I’m leaving this afternoon for the rehearsal. And before that a lot of work to finish. And packing. These things woke me up at 4am and played on a ticker tape until I figured out the order that everything needs to get done, decided what I won’t have time to do or what will have to be put off until Sunday (too much), and went back to sleep. I’ve been waking up at 4am or 5am regularly. My acupuncturist can feel the stress and light sleep in my pulse. He is so unimpressed with UCSF care and wished I could get the second ultrasound sooner just to get my body off this stress spiral. But…it just isn’t possible (unless I can’t stand it anymore and schedule something in Traverse City, not impossible).

As with trying to telepathically detect signs of pregnancy, I am detecting signs of which direction this is going, and I’m not going to drag you along on that paranoid and bumpy road. The speculation is the unbearable part and gets us nowhere. The jury is truly still out.

My #1 job right now is to reduce stress where possible, be kind to myself, meditate at every single opportunity. try to make all these planning, packing, working steps easy. Decide what to not to do. Everyone encourages me to stay positive and I am really, really trying. It’s the biggest roller coaster yet.

I am a strong and powerful person.