pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

M.U.A.

It wasn’t a D&C but a M.U.A: Manual Uterine Aspiration = way easier, gentler, faster.

M picked me up and I was discombobulated, forgot which floor, ran late, really didn’t get enough food or water in the morning, M had to drop me off and park and then find me but it all worked out.

First, they took some blood to check my blood type (O negative). Next, I went to sign consent forms with Nurse Stephanie. Hilariously, she had me take one Toradol (like a super-strong Motrin for cramping), 2 Vicodin, and 1 Valium before she had me read the consent forms and sign them. I said that seemed sketchy to me and she laughed and said the drugs wouldn’t kick in right away. She described the procedure as being way easier than the dilation and scraping I had expected–this was just a suction process and 5-10 minutes.

I mentioned a last-minute paranoia of needing to confirm that it really wasn’t viable and she said no problem–we can do an ultrasound right now if it would give you peace of mind. So we did, and there it was, the same, and she showed me different ways to confirm–it now measured 5w5d (smaller), and no blood flow within. OK. I was ready.

They took me and M upstairs to a room with recliners and heating pads and warm blankets and let us hang out while my drugs kicked in. I looked stylish in a hospital gown and a hair cap and hospital socks and slippers. I felt comfy but not too loopy or scared. M was such a good friend to have with me, calm and reassuring. Lucky she could be there.

The doc to do the procedure was Dr. Huddleston who introduced herself as “Heather”–the doctor about whom I have heard the most consistently awesome reviews. She was amazing. They all were so compassionate–so sorry to meet under these circumstances. But you can get pregnant. This will ultimately just be a bump in the road.

Once I was sufficiently looped, they brought me in the room and there were 2 nurses with her, one who always had her hand on my shoulder. Dr. H. did such a good job of telling me what she was doing, what to expect, that I was doing an amazing job. I stayed very relaxed. I had cramping during the suctioning but it was not even as bad as the HSG test, and I kept breathing and had my hands on my abdomen. She told me when I was almost done. Checked the ultrasound and said it looked “awesome.” I asked how much they took out and she said I could see it if I wanted to, which I did.

So once they had me sit up they brought over the bowl. I will refrain from too much detail for the squeamish among you, but she pointed out the sac which looked like the skin of a grape. I said good bye. The nurses sighed.

They told me I passed with flying colors.

Afterward, I cried a little and ate saltines and drank ginger ale. I felt nice from the drugs and, yes, a sense of relief. They’re telling me I should wait two months to begin trying again, and you know what? I can use a break now. I’ve been pregnant for most of the summer and I could stand some big runs, new hair color, caffeine, and cocktails.

Taking it easy for the next few days. I have cookies, ice cream, bourbon, friends. No longer in the mode of blaming time-wasting ex-boyfriends of the past. Looking ahead.

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7 thoughts on “M.U.A.”

  1. Tears.
    Tears for your goodbye.
    Tears for your strength.
    Tears for your much-needed break.
    Tears for not being able to jump on that plane (I swear I was ready to!).
    Tears.
    I love you and if it’s any comfort at all, I understand from my own experiences.
    XOXO

  2. Savor your break. Hopefully, it’ll be the last one you’ll ever have! When the baby arrives, you’ll look back at this time and it will seem so far away.

  3. Thinking of you. Saying goodbye to our beans (or lentils) is hard but cathartic. I have done it three times over the past 2 years and it’s horrible every time. I bought a bean necklace to remind me of my angels. Of their strength to try to fight and to continue to fight in their memory. After my 2nd miscarriage, I also took a 2 month break. Be good to yourself.
    Traci

    1. Oh Traci, thank you. I love your bean necklace idea. So far, I would have a poppy seed and a lentil. They represent so much heartache and also healing. I am honored that you shared your experience here.

  4. I share in your pain and send you strength and encouragement. However bleak the days look now, one more try might make all this a distant past nightmare that will NOT be dwelled on once your baby is in your arms. Believe me, the suffering is worth it for what WILL be created – I am sure you will succeed. In the meantime, your writing is amazing and should be published! Keeping you in my thoughts daily……. Jen

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