fertility, IVF, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing


I’m in the Phoenix airport on a flight delay due to a maintenance issue and just discovered free wifi and a quiet seat in a dim corner to write. Let’s make the best of this!

My brain is fuzzy after getting up at 3:45am. Although I slept the whole flight here, I feel like I could curl up in the corner and sleep for another three hours. My appetite is a bottomless pit as it sometimes is when I have to get up at an inhumane hour; so far today I’ve had Greek yogurt with honey at home, oatmeal with nuts and berries at SFO, and an egg and cheese breakfast burrito at PHX. I text-waved to my uncles and friend V who live here.

The airport is full of messy, cranky, beautiful humanity in shorts and tank tops. There are throngs of people streaming up and down the corridor to the point that getting across to the restroom is like jumping into a game of Double Dutch and then jumping out again, requiring timing and strategy to avoid a tangle.

These days, staying productive relies so much on battery power. All my chargers are in my checked luggage, so I’m going to do some pre-work (read: handwritten) to make sure my laptop time is optimized on the next flight, since my sad battery only gives about an hour and a half. But, meanwhile, I’m just going to ramble away this half hour on my iPad because this thing lasts forever, and the free wifi is flowing.

So, where am I besides Phoenix… Looking forward to this trip, seeing J and my other work and non-work friends, walking in Central Park with girl J tonight, diligently keeping up good habits of sleeping, eating impeccably (or at least deliciously), and just enough drinking to reassure everyone I’m not pregnant in case they heard a rumor. Work is a tidal wave constantly on the verge of overtaking me, and I’m paddling like crazy to stay ahead of it. At the moment, I am ahead of it. And I strive to take it all with a grain of salt as I do my best and keep space for one other big notable goal in my life.

Three weeks to go. My last bc pill was last night which means the imminent arrival of what Olga insists on calling “menses.” Furtive Lupron injections will continue through this week as I’m staying with a work friend who doesn’t know. The day I get back to SF and head to the retreat, I’ll start Vivelle patches. It’s still feeling long, especially as I circle back on places like Phoenix and NYC where I’ve already weathered some stage of this process or another and here I am, back again with a flat tummy. Everyone in the airport has a baby except me. Just kidding. (But it’s Sunday, so not really.)

In truth, my attitude is pretty darn positive, so let’s not question it. Never question the positive attitude when it’s here! Seek out the good signs. Choose the better outlook and watch it take on a life of its own. Smile and lift your chin and take a deep breath. These are things we can do.

Maintenance complete!!! Good to go. Boarding. xo


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