Author: thesolomamaproject

parenthood, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, Uncategorized

joy

thesolomamaproject

I’m staying with my sister and her family on the east coast, immersed for just a few days in family action starting at 7:15 this morning (yes, that is 4:15am San Francisco time)–my standing early morning wake-up call/snuggle time with my nieces. My sister and her husband have two girls: one is 3.5yo, the other is 6 months. They’re mesmerizingly cute, and I say that as their aunt but they really are objectively adorable (trust me!). They’re obviously at very different stages of development but both exhibit mega-smarts, crazy sweetness, and lighthearted spirits. They are my first and only nieces and amazing little humans whom I adore.

Given that I’m in the process of trying to get pregnant, I’m watching the household play-by-play with intensity. It’s impossible to know what it’s like to be a parent until you’re a parent, and this type of visit is about as close as I can get. My mom often introduces herself to our friends as, “The Mom” and I often wonder how vastly different it will feel to be “The Mom” vs. the babysitter, nanny, “auntie,” or actual aunt.

My sister and bro-in-law do an amazing job and make it look easy, but MAN it’s a lot of work.

I basically played all day with the girls but not without two additional adults doing constant laundry, changing diapers, cooking, running errands, and straightening up. I was also reminded, in my delirium of jet-lag, that playtime requires concentration and skill, whereas I kept wanting to put my head down. It also requires, ideally, your full attention–multi-tasking is generally impossible. I mostly observed but helped where I could figure out what needed to be done, shuttling everybody along from one meal, activity, nap to the next. Both girls are sick, and we were sneezed and coughed on throughout the day. Messy and neverending work and daunting to contemplate as a single mom.

At the same time, I was beside myself with the joy of cuddling with a book, getting the baby to smile, listening to imaginary stories with a ridiculous amount of creative detail, singing songs, watching these girls figure stuff out. Also, watching them interact with each other—the 3.5yo hugs and kisses her sister looking like she wants to eat her up and the baby lights up and starts screaming with delight every time her big sister engages her.

Today, my sister showed me an article in Parenting Magazine on single moms by choice, featuring (among others) a speech pathologist in San Francisco who had triplets solo. Yep, triplets. Solo. In the picture, the mom is smiling. She said she took things “one minute at a time,” and that every morning, she and her three toddlers name every one of their family and friends to remember how much they love them. An attitude of gratitude! If she can do it, I can do it (and, again, let’s not invoke the triplets). My eventual family household may not run like clockwork, but there will be lots of love, and joy.

single mom by choice, SMC

O Solo Mamas

thesolomamaproject

Yesterday, an expecting mom posted on one of the SMC email groups that she was preparing to go to the first meeting of her birthing class on her own and was feeling low about it. She reached out to other SMCs for advice.

The advice was so inspiring that I got teary and filed it for later when I (or others) might need it. Here are some nuggets to show the type of support that we can plug in to (thank goodness for the internet!!!) (w/o identifying info to respect privacy):

  •  I do know you can do it. I’m a SMC of two kids (3.5 yrs and 0.5 yrs). Know that many husbands do maybe 10%, and then there are two to negotiate every parenting decision. So, yes, the dream husband (or wife!) would be wonderful, most don’t have that. I also remind myself that people do it with less every day. Women get pregnant by accident, the boyfriend leaves, and then she’s stuck. We wanted this.
  •  I went to my first birthing class w/ a good friend and we had a fun time.  She couldn’t make the second one, so I went alone.  I ended up sitting next to a woman whose husband was sick and couldn’t make it. We chatted the whole time, became friends, joined a mothers group that still meets  — while I am the only single Mom of the group, we were all around 40 having our first kids, and working and those are huge areas of commonality.  Now, all the kids are turning 3 and we still meet. You never know when something hard turns into something wonderful.  Head up. You can do it.
  • I feel for ya! I am single and 25 weeks and gearing up to go to a long birth class completely solo!  I went to most of my ultrasounds alone and am used to being the only single gal in the expecting mom’s groups (yoga, etc). I am in the East Bay, but if you ever want to meet up, just holler.
  • whenever i used to feel that way, i would just remind myself that…. i didn’t have a husband!, that always cheers me up! 🙂 just think how much more difficult it would be to be with someone who isn’t a good partner. i know so many people who have kids with someone else and they are stuck with them now for the rest of their lives…alcoholics, assholes, whatever. be happy you are not in that situation.
  • Guess who i ran into in my childbirth prep class? my recent ex boyfriend and the girl he knocked up after dating me. Talk about awkward. I just kept thinking i was so happy that i chose to go it alone!
  • I took a friend who wanted to get pg (and was willing to be my labor partner) to the classes, since I was paying couples’ fees. Maybe there’s a future SMC who’d like to go with you and split the fees?
  • Well, there you go. Any one want to take a spin with me in my Bradley Birthing class. Thursday nights in May in Berkeley. I could use the support ! 25 weeks pregnant in Oakland!
  • My experience has been that I love, love, love being the decision-maker for my children, with no one to negotiate things with, clear things through, or compromise with (except the kids, as they get older).  I miss the option of a second income (enormously!) and the simplicity of being able to run out for a carton of milk or go to a PTA meeting w/o having to pay someone to babysit.  Every step out the door costs me money, unless I can take them with me.  Sometimes I miss the other adult who will back me up, support me, comfort me, and make my life easier.  I’m sure there are a few out there.  But it’s a gamble if that’s who you will get.  Bless those who found them.
  • My favorite experience in this process was a time when I was receiving compliments about the kids from several elderly women in the office of my church.  It was early on, and I was still very uncomfortable about “outing” them as donor babies.  One of the women commented on how much my daughter looked like me, much more than my son.  I steeled myself, pasted a smile on my face, and chuckled, saying, “That’s funny because they are not actually biologically related to me at all.  They had a sperm donor and an ovum donor.”  NOT an easy thing to say to elderly ladies.  The speaker didn’t miss a beat – she responded, “Well, they may not be bone of your bone, but they are blood of your blood.”  And so they are. 🙂  Never were there more wanted children than ours.
fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

hoops

thesolomamaproject

After seeing the doctor last week, I left with the impression that my nurse, Olga, would be calling me “in a couple days” to set up a bunch of tests. I ended up calling her on Tuesday and then we played phone tag; in her voicemail she apologized that I got the impression that it would be “a couple days” because really it’s typically more like a week. But I knew that yesterday was Day 3 of my cycle, which is when lots of specific hormonal tests (like Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) and Estradiol) have to get done, and if you miss Day 3, and you’re working with UCSF who seems to be super rigid about what steps you need to take “pre-conception,” you might be s.o.l. for this month.

So when I finally got the nurse on the phone directly yesterday, it was 3pm, and, yes: I needed testing on Day 3! Through a secure messaging website, Olga sent me about 8 documents, two of which were lab requests. One for infectious diseases (HIV, RPR, HTLV, Hepatitis, Rubella, Varicella, TSH, CBC, Rh and blood type, FSH, and Estradiol) and one was for genetic screening (Fragile X, Cystic Fibrosis, and Spinal Muscular Atrophy–if I’m a carrier then we need to confirm that my donor is not). For the genetic screening, she advised that I call my insurance to be sure I’m covered, because these are very expensive but highly recommended. She asked if I still had enough time to chat before going to the lab I said yes, but we’d better hurry.

So she ran me through all the steps that are required before my first IUI is even possible. Including: the tests above, transporting the washed sperm vials from the sperm bank to UCSF 1-2 weeks before my period (um, too late for that, plus they need a “sperm transfer consent form” signed and witnessed/notorized before the transfer), an HSG test (an hour-long x-ray to check the uterus and fallopian tubes that needs to take place days 7-10 of your cycle (I’ll be out of town)), and a psych evaluation (the psychologist can’t fit me in until 5/4–too late). We quickly determined that this month wouldn’t be possible and I should stick to having this month’s IUI done at PRS (the sperm bank, which requires none of the above), where I had my first IUI last month. Then I called my insurance and read about 15 5-digit codes over the phone to confirm that the genetic screening tests were covered (they are), called PRS to pre-purchase 3 washed vials and get on the standby list for this month, wrapped up my work day, and jumped in a cab to the lab. (I made it under the wire!)

Wow! That’s a lot of jumping through hoops, UCSF! It seems like overkill right now, but if months go by and I have issues conceiving, I’ll be glad we have all the info. In the cab, I thought about how much easier it would have been to just get knocked up from sex the way other people do. Right behind that thought was how I wouldn’t want to be attached to any of those guys in the context of parenthood. And right behind that thought was: “I really want this.” And then I just smiled out the window.

dating, IUI, ovulation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

mojo

thesolomamaproject

A few weekends ago, I was crying to my friend M that it didn’t look like I was going to be able to do the first IUI this month and by the way I also thought I’d lost my mojo. That I felt invisible and must have crossed over into a significantly higher age threshold or badly needed a cut and color because I was getting zero attention from men anywhere. She pointed out that a) you never lose your mojo and b) if you’ve think you’ve lost your mojo then that’s what you’re projecting into the world and that’s what it reflects back to you. And then she told me to get outside so I went for a run at Lands End and felt five million times better.

Just days before, a different friend M, who is weeks away from giving birth, gave me a sock bunny that she made herself. I was really touched by this, not least because I have no talent for crafting and admire it in others. Plus, she is glowing and pregnant and happy and the sock bunny came with good vibes. I decided to name him Mojo and never lose him. Here is Mojo:

:Image

Then, just days after that, my ovulation test was positive and I went in for my IUI. I decided that Mojo should come with me for all my appointments. And now I specifically sleep with him too. He’s a nice guy and what a big heart!

Let’s just say that trying to conceive takes up a lot of mental bandwidth. Especially during the infamous two week wait, which was torture. As yet, I have not figured out how to date or even take step one in the direction of dating with all this going on… My taxi light says something like, “I’m not sure how to do this so, um, maybe take the next one.”

My friend Beans, who has been at this for months and is beginning her first IVF this week, told me that she didn’t date for the first few months of trying either, but it was a gradual process of getting comfortable with it. Maybe that will be true for me, and I hope so, because I think we could all use some lighthearted dating drama especially now that I’ve called off the search for a babydaddy. It would be nice to share the company of someone who is nice to me and (for some reason) not scared off by my plan.

It’s a lot to contemplate, but I believe that the sub-genre of ‘dating while pregnant’ is seriously under-explored!

Meanwhile, M is right: the mojo is not lost. It’s just that a girl’s got to prioritize, and dating isn’t currently the priority. This is all going to take some time to sort out (and likely a team of mental health professionals), so I’ll just stay open to what the universe sends me, and tonight it’s a snugglebunny.

IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

Day 1

thesolomamaproject

We’ve clicked over to a new cycle, folks. I returned home tonight to be greeted by AF, in all her blazing, scarlet glory.

Amazing how much it felt like getting dumped, only (thankfully) by a guy I hadn’t been seeing for that long. Like around… 2 weeks. But I wasn’t that into him, anyway. Not yet.

So then what? Well, I pulled out a tampon and pantiliner and a beer. And ate two big slices of pizza. And wrote this.

Earlier today, I got really panicky leaving LA after spending an exhilarated weekend thinking, “I probably am.” Because, at the same time, I always thought that AF would be the harbinger of negative news but it really threw me when she didn’t show. (Each bathroom visit where she didn’t show seemed to reinforce that she never would.) Leaving my busy work weekend, I couldn’t figure out when to take a test, what test to take, when is it 99% accurate, how can I do this PERFECTLY so that the result is the one I want? I started to feel like such a big farce, fanning the flames of expectation with all my friends and family when I really couldn’t possibly know yet. I called my parents, flustered, and they sounded worried about what the weight of disappointment could do to me. When I landed in SF, I drove straight to the office at 8pm on a Sunday to do 3+ hours of work. Get the work monkey off my back, anyway.

Let’s be real–this was my very first try. My doctor said, let’s expect it to take 6 months. (And he’s not going to count the IUI at Pac Repro.) I’ve learned a LOT. My friend MM texted me tonight how much she’s enjoying my blog, and how it feels nice to be partnering with me in my journey, as a community. SO nice to hear that–can I tell you how much that means to me??? It’s scary sometimes to put all this out there publicly. And yet, I already can’t imagine doing this without you, dear readers and friends.

As predicted, I am glad to have planned ahead with UCSF, so this month is indeed a new month. Maybe this time I won’t drag you along on quite the detailed play-by-play; or maybe I will. Who knows? I feel a little sheepish but also like finally I can let it all hang out instead of being paralyzed by hope.

Next time it’ll be old hat, we’ll be like, oh–has it been a month already?

I’m grateful that I don’t feel like crying. Or giving up.

IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

Day 28

thesolomamaproject

The game is still on. I’m a little beside myself at this point, wondering, wondering, wondering. What is going on in there? Nothing has happened yet. That’s all, nothing yet, no AF and I haven’t done a test, and this would be one of my longer cycles, and tomorrow would be my longest. So… I should have news tomorrow because I learned yesterday that at 13dpo (days past ovulation), the test will be 99% accurate. Who’s coming over??

Fortunately, I had scheduled a work trip for this weekend, which is an awesome distraction but I just got alone in my hotel room for the first time and feel all shaky and also tired due to my early flight. I am tempted not to post this because I don’t want you to be disappointed, or me to be disappointed, but I’m feeling a tiny bit hopeful. And glad that I have UCSF plans rolling, rolling, in the meantime, so not even AF will slow me down.

Dinner at 7 which means 3 good hours of work now, and I shouldn’t squander it blogging because I need to get the work stress off my back. The point of my trip is to see the kickoff of a huge video project–today was the rehearsal and tomorrow will be the first day of shooting. The actors are all adorable and in their 20s and I want to eat them up. I’m looking at them like I’m their mom. I’m looking at everyone like I’m their mom, actually. I got a nice smile from a cutie on the walk over here just now, and catcalled from a moving car, so maybe my mojo is flowing, or maybe I have more appeal in LA?

I get to be an extra in the background of a café scene tomorrow, so I know I’ll be occupied tomorrow. I almost didn’t make this trip, and I’m SO glad I did.

Thanks for coming with me along for this ride. I realize too, that the positive test is not the finish line by any means. It would mean that I cleared an important hurdle, and then the initial weeks can be tenuous. So let’s proceed with caution and keep going about our biz. K?

pregnancy loss, privacy, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

on privacy and openness

thesolomamaproject

Good morning, Day 27!

In general, I’m an extremely open person. If I have a complicated personal situation or TMI storyline going on that is troubling me or exciting me or puzzling me, chances are good that all you have to say is, “How are you?” and I will launch in. It’s how I connect. People usually respond by softening and opening up themselves, given that I so easily lay my heart on the table, and then we’re mutually sharing, and we have things in common, and suddenly we don’t feel like such alien freaks.

Of course, there is such a thing called “boundaries,” as I have learned in many years of therapy. There is an element of the process above that includes an aversion to withholding whatever is going on with me, as if I have judged this person unfit to handle the real back story, which can send me into an internal spiral that this person now realizes I’m lying to him/her by saying, “Fine, how are you?” It’s also tempting to want approval in everything I do, from everyone around me, all the time. But I’m pretty sure that’s everyone.

So, all of the above present an interesting dilemma in the process of trying to conceive as a single mom, which is notoriously cloaked in our culture, often kept secret until the end of the first trimester. I’ve always known that, partnered or not, this clandestine approach would be hard for me to the point of being impossible. I understand being cautious and the heartbreak of having to send a sad press release to the masses. However, in my case, especially un-partnered, it is those same masses that will pull me through. (I acknowledge that I may feel wildly different about this later on and do a 180 and that’s fine too.)

From the beginning, when I was in the thinking/planning/researching phase, I checked in with myself every time a friend said, “So, what have you been up to?” Just checked with my heart and it usually said, “Go for it.” I’ve been building up my support system the way a mama bird builds a nest. http://livestre.am/1kdZa

Of course, this opens me up for comments, opinions, recommendations, and zingers. I’ve already gotten tips on what to definitely do or definitely not do when it comes to giving birth and parenting (“You’re not going to do cry it out, are you?”) and questions that sound more like an indictment (“You do a lot of activities. You know you’ll have to give them all up, right?”) Overall, though, if that’s the worst my people can dish up, concern turned up a little too high and pushed through their own filter of experience, then bring it on. I’m getting better (god willing) at letting things roll off my back. If it really gets to me, I come home and listen to Pema Chodron recordings.

A few times, I have hit an edge. After I chose my donor (a great story for another day), I had friends ask if I would email his photos. That felt instantly wrong. I decided that I will show them only in person, and only if I feel like it. Later, when a TV production company approached the founder of Single Mothers by Choice about doing a documentary, I expressed my interest in participating as a way of raising awareness. After talking to the producer, I was turned off–it sounded more like reality TV. This journey is uncharted–none of us know where we’re headed. Broadcasting on national TV seemed like way too far over the line. I pulled out.

Which brings me to the blog. This  feels so good to write, and I’m so gratified that so many friends are checking in. My number of views is much bigger than expected and: we’ve gone international! I did take the step of keeping it anonymous, although the majority of followers are people I know very well. I may over-share sooner or later and end up with a vulnerability hangover… But, so far so good.

I hope you share it with friends who are considering single motherhood or maybe would just enjoy reading this, but I do ask that you not forward it to anyone I work with. That is the last frontier! Speaking of which, I’m off to a meeting.

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, Uncategorized

ucsf and challenges and triplets

thesolomamaproject

My appointment at UCSF was at 8am and I arrived a little early as directed, which turned out to be even earlier than the front desk staff. I sat down across from a sign with all the doctors’ names listed and realized that these people have become like celebrities to me–I knew at least one or two anecdotal facts about each one: Dr. Cedars is super amazing and the most highly recommended (no availability until June), Dr. Huddleston is fantastic as well (also a long wait), and Dr. Fujimoto will make you cry (I heard this from more than one former patient). The one doc I knew nothing about was the one with the earliest availability, and the one with whom I had an appointment today: Dr. Tran. Before long, I was ushered into his office.

Well, I just have to highly recommend Dr. Tran. He is easygoing, handsome, somewhat softspoken, neutral (not too harsh and not too cuddly either). The results, after an ultrasound, were good news. He said my ovarian reserve is eggcellent. Just kidding, he said, “Your ovarian reserve is excellent,” but he said it twice. Now I have a whole game plan to put in motion if round 1 is a no-go, including a bunch of tests, a psych evaluation (required whenever donors are involved–I asked if having a therapist counts and he said no), that tube test (HSG?), and then 3 months of natural IUI’s. Then, we’ll see where we are. He seemed totally unfazed by me being a single woman pursuing this on my own.

I sometimes forget, actually, that people might be fazed by this. It’s likely that some people around me at some point will be challenged by what I, and other single women in my situation, seem to be saying about the necessity and importance of men and fathers, not to mention the institution of marriage. Or some may feel that by choosing to do this, I am saying to parents, “I can totally handle this on my own whereas you were kind of a mess and complained a lot. And you have a husband.”

In truth, I have nothing but admiration for men, and dads, and MY dad, and people who manage to get married and stay married through parenthood and have a good thing going (and I’m not giving up on this either). And while I do not know the exhausted chaos and epic sacrifice of parenthood firsthand, I know enough to know approximately what I could be getting myself into. This could cause me to move, change careers, stop dating indefinitely, give up my interests for a while or permanently, spend my life savings, go into debt, etc. Probably not all of the above at the same time, though, except in the case of multiples–but even if I had triplets, I would bet money that my community would not allow me to go down in flames.

OK, let’s not invoke the triplets!!! I’m going to bed before this goes any further. I imagine I’m preaching to the unfazed anyway. Very thrilled about the UCSF plan and going into Day 26 with no clues about what’s going on in there now that I 100% do not trust messages from my body. Good night!

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

maybe

thesolomamaproject

Feeling zen after a day that included therapy, acupuncture, and group meditation. Yes, I am a caricature of a Northern Californian.  I’ve been staying attuned to the yo-yo nature of the infamous two-week-wait (“I probably am!” “I’m probably not…”) and all the accompanying emotions, which thankfully have not been too intense. Mostly, I’m calm and going about my biz. However, I’ve experienced every phantom symptom under the sun (I won’t bore you with the extremely long list) and have been amazed at just how hyper-vigilant I can be about the minute to minute sensations of my uterus. Tracking my temps (staying high would be a good sign), resisting a home pregnancy test, and patiently waiting to see who shows up: Aunt Flo or a bun in the oven. Consider the vast difference between these two possibilities and staying prepared for both. 8dpo (days past ovulation). I will probably write  a novel before these 2 weeks are up.

I have a long-standing appointment to get set up with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist, aka fertility doctor, aka the doc who could do my future IUI’s) at UCSF tomorrow morning, so in the event that AF does arrive this weekend, I will have Round 2 in the works. I like how that turned out.

Meanwhile, how does one live with big uncertainty? I keep thinking about a poem I wrote in college, and wanted to share it here. It’s called “maybe”.

on the wall there

gold and starlike

MAYBE

it said

like a dogtreat,

a dangling affirmative,

a not definitely no—

and i can feel the warmth

of a yes,

the neat crunch

of the bullseye.

i used my fingernail

instead of a coin.

my metallic silver fingers

close around the neck

of a gun

and i’m chasing

a moving target,

peeking out its bright face

from behind trees—

i didn’t read the rules,

i couldn’t, they were

miniscule, needed a

telescope,

radar.

i throw out another line

from my stationary nightboat,

gaze up at that star.

biological clock, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

writing about writing

thesolomamaproject

Wheeee! What an honor to receive such sweet comments! Plus, wordpress tells me that my site has been viewed 68 times, which I’m guessing is about a dozen visitors plus me checking back every half an hour… I know that blogging can be somewhat of a one-way street, so it’s really nice to get feedback, and I hope you loudmouths will keep it up.

Completely aside from the topic of trying to get pregnant, I’m excited to have a writing project. My last adventure in writing was when I took a Personal Essay class at the Writing Salon around the time I turned 30 and was heartbroken over the end of a long relationship. The class turned out to be all women. We dug up these super emotionally-charged topics from our own lives and everyone would be nodding and smiling and crying because we’d all been there and it was really more like therapy. When you’re going through a hellish time, it’s so important to remember just how many people are or were in your boat. Because it’s pretty much everyone. That’s an easy one to forget, and so consoling to remember.

After that class, I got away from writing creatively for many years. I keep a journal but honestly have become lazy over the fact of having to handwrite it. When I think to myself: What have I not done yet with my life that I would regret if it all ended tomorrow? What comes up for me is: “I haven’t written my book.” (And, “I haven’t started a family” but you knew that one.) It’s so silly and cliché and American, but there it is. Hopefully it’s also a commentary on how I’ve done pretty well with this one wild and precious life, with no major regrets that I can think of, just gratitude…it seems like things have turned out the way they needed to.

Including doing this without a partner. Somewhere in the years of casually considering and the 6 months of seriously planning, I adjusted to the idea of becoming a single mom. By choice. (Or, as some call it, a “choice mom” which sounds totally weird to me, as in, “That’s a choice mom,” or “Check out the MILF!) Not that I wouldn’t prefer doing this with someone. Do I even have to say that? Of course I would rather share parenthood with someone I love who helps out and gives foot massages and brings in a whole second income.

But the plain fact was that when the music stopped at the end of my 30s, I was left standing. It’s ridiculous! Unacceptable! Unfair! How could it be?? says the chorus of friends and family as well as the one in my mind in moments of high self esteem. But… it just is. And: it’s not forever. I’m convinced that ultimately I couldn’t be at peace in a relationship until I resolved this. So, that divorced dad is somewhere down the road, and he will think I am the most courageous and passionate lady he’s ever met. Or maybe I’ll meet him tomorrow, shoot! I’m not off the market yet, people! Or maybe he’ll read my bestselling book. Or see the movie. That’ll seal the deal.