Category: anxiety

anxiety, dating, donor sperm, fertility, IUI, ovulation, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

the reports

thesolomamaproject

It’s so good to be home. I was in NYC for a week of work meetings, friends, shopping, parties, dinners…  A packed schedule–barely enough time for sleep, meeting prep, one solitary morning run on the Highline, and no blogging. I dearly love my friends there. Especially J, whose fourth Chelsea apartment in five years is an adorable one-bedroom and therefore the height of luxury compared to previous studios in which we had to choreograph our every movement. On this visit he was snoring so loudly and consistently that I was happy to shut the bedroom door and go down the hall to the couch. Deluxe!

I started taking Clomid on Day 2 and didn’t notice much of anything except higher anxiety levels. Then my Thanksgiving rash came back in force and I couldn’t sleep. Then I bought an expensive pair of black boots, had buyer’s remorse, and returned them the next day. This all may be run of the mill stuff and nothing to do with the Clomid. Sometimes I felt my ovaries getting riper.

When I finally made it to the holiday party it was like a finish line, and I was thrilled to land the next morning at SFO, even in the chilly rain. Upon landing, I learned the awful news from Connecticut and spent the rest of the day tearing up and taking deep breaths and avoiding the news. It’s a good time to hug our people and tell them how much we love them.

The Yoda Report: My friend M called me with the Yoda Report on what to do about Dr. Hawaii’s invitation to Hawaii–I could have sworn I heard her shuffling papers as she announced, “I have the Yoda Report.” I pictured her with glasses on her nose and a pencil behind her ear. Yoda suggested telling Dr. Hawaii that my Hawaii trip is postponed indefinitely, and since he’ll be in Portland for 10 days over the holidays, why not propose meeting up halfway between Portland and SF instead? I loved this solution: can you meet me halfway?

So I proposed it. And, because he’ll still have family in town and won’t have a car, he responded, “How about a weekend in Portland?”

Coincidentally, I am totally overdue a trip to Portland–I used to visit my friends L and A there every spring and now it’s suddenly been like 3 years without a visit. I still haven’t met A’s 2-year-old. With dear friends to see (and stay with), I have multiple reasons to go. Yoda basically said yes: one or both of you are going to have to travel to make this work, so go and see how it is.

I’d love to see him again. I’d love to spend the weekend in Portland. That’s why this is tricky: I STILL feel like he’s not driving the bus. Sure, maybe he sucks at email and text communication but he also hasn’t picked up the phone. And “How about a weekend in Portland,” feels like a halfhearted invitation. I can’t shake this sense that I’d be conspicuously hanging around on the sidelines of his family vacation waiting for him to be free. And, let’s be honest: the best case scenario is that we have a long distance relationship, is this my goal?

No. My goal is to get pregnant. And to spend time with someone who’s excited about me, who shows up for me, who gives me full-hearted invitations. I’ll give this one more email round to try to get a read on how this would theoretically go. I’m leaning toward not going (L and A: I will totally come soon though). After that, I must insist that if he can’t meet me halfway, the only thing left is for him to come all the way. Here. With his free ticket.

Meanwhile, I’m heading back online for another batch. Of locals!

The Follie Report: This morning, I had my Day 10 ultrasound and the news is GOOD: I have 2 dominant follicles on the left and “things are quiet” on the right. The two follies measure 15mm and 16mm and my lining is at 6 something: right on target. We wanted two and got two! No more, no less. I’ll trigger on Monday night and go for IUI on Wednesday. I’ll test just after the New Year. Baby project is giving me a strong sense of purpose again.

Meanwhile, I’ll stock up on more McPiercy vials. I recently got an email from PRS with the subject line “Notification,” and my heart almost stopped because I assumed they were going to tell me McPiercy was out of stock! Thankfully, they were just warning me that their prices are going up in the New Year.

 

acupuncture, anxiety, dating, donor sperm, meditation, outdoors, pregnancy, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait, writing

commence week 2

thesolomamaproject

I assume I’m pregnant. But in a disconnected, almost blasé way–I seem to have merged being in the wait with being in early pregnancy: it’s all tentative until it’s confirmed. So, I perceive some symptoms and yet catch myself moments before plunging into the hot tub (thankfully, L keeps hers at 98 degrees). I find myself going over my food consumption in retrospect, when it would already be too late. If I’m lucky, I will remember not to have a margarita after work.

I like this new, disconnected merged feeling and hope it lasts. I feel like I’m right where I thought I’d be and wished I was on try #1, like, “Yeah, whatever, you know, it can take a while so we’ll see what happens.” Instead, I was myopic in the worst way, absolutely consumed with every minute detail, and now I think: yeah. Maybe sometime between now and the end of the year, *yawn*. I transported 3 vials to UCSF: one for October, one for November, one for December. And then we’ll celebrate a year since my big decision in the Grand Canyon and Rio-valuate.

I spent a lovely 24 hours in San Jose over the weekend, but otherwise felt kind of aimless. My acupuncturist recommended not running for a few days and just telling me that is a recipe for going stir crazy. I ended up doing a burly urban walk to the top of Twin Peaks:

Image

I find it intriguing that the photo is off-balance, because I was feeling off-balance. Stressed about work, mad and frustrated about my Good Match being so delayed, wondering when it’s all going to come together and make sense. Being on top of Twin Peaks makes me think a lot about one of my exes. The walk down made me think about another one. I passed my therapists’s house. It sure is a journey.

I got a mani/pedi. A hugely prego woman sat next to me and I vibed with her silently. I sat on the roof and wrote in my journal in the sunshine as the Blue Angels swooped around overhead. I bought veggies and made a delicious stir fry with quinoa.

I listened to Pema, who always says the right thing. This time, it was to remember to cradle your poor anxious self in gentle lovingkindness. I decided to do my tomorrow self the enormous favor of setting out clothes, packing a gym bag, getting the coffee ready and the oatmeal and the vitamins. It was a nice gentle favor and my day was full, ending with another lovely tea with T. Now I need to do myself the favor of going to bed.

I love this time of the month where my views start to skyrocket because you’re all checking for news. It makes me feel very loved and looked after, thank you.

I will end with one last piece of news for which I am profoundly grateful: totally totally totally randomly, gay bf J will be back in town precisely when I will be testing, for the 3rd time in a row!!!!!! This is just cosmic. You couldn’t plan it. None of this turned out the way I expected, but you know what? I’ll take it.

nighty night, peeps xo

anxiety, breakup, dating, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

no

thesolomamaproject

I walked outside my building last night to find the Artist leaning awkwardly against his car in an unflattering sweater and I thought…no. Who can explain these things? It was just a big fat no from the first moment. After he did the gallant car-door-opening on my behalf, I sat in the passenger seat having a small panic attack that this was just all wrong. I gave myself a fast pep talk as he walked around to the other side: “Just let him be who he is and keep track of how you’re feeling. Breathe.” Small relief. Good conversation up to Golden Gate Park but too many peppered references to our already locked-down future together: Please always give me the benefit of the doubt. Our dates should always have a theme. It will be so nice to have someone to do things with.

We parked in the gloomy fog and strolled in to the Academy of Science. Once inside, looking in the aquariums, I longed for the simple life of a fish. It felt like such a big farce. This was just not at all the guy of my imagination. He gave me the strong impression he had not dated in a million years, or maybe ever. Just a rejection story from Burning Man and a conspiracy theory about a former boss… a theme was emerging of being wronged, misunderstood, victimized, the perennial single guy. After seeing the roof and the penguins, I announced, “Let’s get a drink.”

Over at the Alembic, I ordered an Old Fashioned, which can be trusted to take the edge off anything. He asked me what I’m looking for in a relationship. I told him, honestly, that I want to have a family. And, I kid you not, with a quick disclaimer that “I know it’s early,” he told me he would be an awesome dad. He asked if I was open to adoption because he’d been reading up on problems caused by “older dads” (he’s 38). He has always wanted kids and has even considered adopting them on his own. I was thinking, “This is totally nuts.”

I mean–how crazy that here’s a guy just begging for the whole enchilada and I’m on pins and needles hoping he doesn’t touch me. I ordered a second drink.

In the car, I thought I’d let him kiss me good night since it would be one last potentially important piece of information. The information was not good. The information confirmed my decision to let him down easy the next day.

Amazingly, when I walked back into my building, I felt relieved, happy, free, loving my single life. Feeling like I have a backup plan. I’m trying to have a baby without trying to make it work with some guy. I was light as a feather having had the perspective, yet again, of trying and trying to make something wrong feel right which is a huge exhausting burden. I won’t do it.

He didn’t know me at all and yet was ready to talk about being an awesome dad to my kid. It really wasn’t about me. And I caught it early. Success.

I sent the following email today:

I’m so sorry but my heart is telling me we’re not a match. You have so many great qualities and talents, and I’ve truly enjoyed getting to know you over the past week. I’m unfortunately just missing that intangible spark.
I wish you the best of luck in your search and in all things.
Today, my assistant called this message “breakup gold” and asked me to forward it to her to keep on file (she’s 26).
He was quite gracious in his response, so it was a friendly ending. I’m glad for that.
And I’m super glad to be heading at this moment to happy hour, then dinner, then dancing with girlfriends.
I’ll see the Moroccan tomorrow for coffee in North Beach at 11. I feel like I’m just getting warmed up.
acupuncture, anxiety, dating, pregnancy loss, privacy, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

karma

thesolomamaproject

Last Saturday, the day after my return from Brazil, I went on a 10-mile run through Golden Gate Park with my housekeys, a $20, and my driver’s license in my little shorts pocket. When I was within half a mile from my house, I was suddenly ravenous enough to eat my arm, so I opted instead to duck into Falletti Foods, an outrageously expensive grocery with a buffet of hot food. In my delirious hunger, I grabbed a crazy mix of foods and the cashier totaled it at $14 and change. I handed him my slightly moist $20. He gave me back a $10, a $5, and some change. I blinked and walked away.

As I sat there eating my chicken & artichoke lasagna and french fries, here was the voice in my head, “This place charges an insane amount for its food. They won’t miss $10. I could give it to a homeless person. Redirect the corporate surplus. I should stop being so honest all the time. I could donate it to the Obama campaign. I could keep it. I’m sure it didn’t cost them more than $5 something to make the food I’m eating. But……..won’t I spend the rest of the day stressing about it? What if the cashier gets in trouble? What if it comes out of his check?”

And, with that, I finished up and returned the $10 to the embarrassed and grateful cashier.

This morning, I was running through my neighborhood and saw a BART ticket on the ground. I thought, “I should stop and see if there’s any money on it,” but decided to leave it and see if it was still there on my way back. Half an hour later, there it was. I picked it up. $13.05. The universe gave me interest!

I’m sitting in a café with a tall Pellegrino. It’s 7:22pm. I have a date here at 8, or “8-ish,” as I believe he said, which bugged me. I can write until he gets here which I will bet you will be in one hour. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being out of my mind excited to meet him, I am a 3.

Sigh. It’s been a wild week. Coming back from the forced respite from this project was a little tough, re-facing the reality of it. But, as my acupuncturist told me a couple of hours ago, why not just continue the vacation until my cycle kicks back in? I can’t really do or plan anything until then anyway. I like that. I’m still on vacation from this.

Coming back, I feel stronger. An unexpected result of this that I am in close touch with my anger. I don’t typically have a temper but lately I am on a hair trigger. Don’t cross a line with me right now, because I’m not putting up with bullshit. I should have done this a long time ago. Toxic people: out. Reactive, ill-considered e-mail, send. Insensitive post: unfriend. Surround me with love and support and otherwise I do not have time for you right now.

I had a shock this week when I met up with a friend who left my company a few months ago. Halfway through lunch, she says, “SO, I hear you’re pregnant!” I was stunned. I’ve been so careful about not sharing this with work friends, only the tiniest handful. I said, “Oh really, who told you that?” And she chirped, “Everyone!”

Well, first of all, I’m not. (Of course, she was mortified.) And second of all, it’s not public knowledge. I feel betrayed by whoever leaked this super-private news that I shared in confidence. I don’t really blame this friend, or the others who heard through the apparent grapevine. They thought it was public. But the floor absolutely dropped out from underneath me.

It dawns on me now (yes, now, 4 months after starting a public blog) that people talk. It’s human nature–this is juicy news to share. People love to be the one who knows first. Rationalization: I’m sure it’s safe to tell, I mean, after all, she writes it all down on a public blog!

It also dawns on me that I have no idea who reads this blog. I know who subscribes to it, but there are anywhere between 30 and 100 views per day beyond that. Are you out there, my boss’s boss? Hello, ex-boyfriends! Greetings to all my enemies, frienemies, stalkers, and identity thieves. You’re all invited. This is a public blog. We’re in this together. Please, please, please don’t F this up.

It’s risky putting all this out there, but you know what? This is my choice. This is how I live. This is so me. I’m loving writing. I keep a cozy loveseat for some of my favorite people in here. I love this!

I won’t subscribe to conspiracy theories… No one is taking this to my boss (right???). This post is about karma. I will be trusting and faithful that this will blog will do more good than harm, and that my readers will hold this information with exquisite respect and care. Lord knows, it’s done me a world of good to share with you, dear readers. The beauty rises to the top, the garbage falls away. What goes around comes around. I forge ahead with love and the best intentions.

And if you don’t like it, you can fuck off!!!!

anxiety, pregnancy loss, running, single mom by choice, SMC

letting go

thesolomamaproject

After 5 days in Rio, my camera took flight. Those were 5 days of beautiful photos including Ipanema, Santa Theresa, the wedding, and Sugar Loaf today. It was a small but fancy camera given to me by my ex a year ago with the idea that we’d travel the world together. Looks like the camera was more destined for long-term world travel than I was…

Somewhere between sitting on the table at lunch and the cab ride back to the apartment, it disappeared. I realized it when we got to the apartment; it was no longer over my shoulder. I tore the place apart. We cabbed back to the restaurant. “machina? Clic? Clic?” nao, nao… Nothing. It either slipped or was swiped on my way to or in the cab. I thought about sitting on the corner where we were dropped off, waiting for the big-hearted driver to return with a wide smile. (Can you think of a more unlikely scenario??)

After we exhausted all options, we headed down to the beach where the bride and groom had been playing beach volleyball all day. They we’re packing up. I told them what happened, joked to the groom and his dad, I was hoping you’d be able to give me the phone number for missing cameras in Rio! They looked melancholy.

Fortunately, I did get a few minutes to say good bye to my friend, the bride, G–the only person here who knows about the baby project. They leave on their honeymoon tomorrow. We hugged and she said in my ear,”I can’t wait to hear your good news, I’m so happy for you!” and the bigger loss and hope and love and what’ s really important all returned and the tears came. I got to tell her how happy I am for her too and how much it meant to me to be here.

It’s hard to let go of all that we don’t control. It’s hard to accept “what is” sometimes, even when there are good things staring you in the face. Just hours ago, if I had tucked my little camera into my purse, I would still have it. If I had just downloaded all the photos last night instead of just one, I’d still have the photos. But here I am in Rio, without a camera, not pregnant, heading to Buzios tomorrow, the “St. Tropez of Brazil.” (don’t cry for me!)

It helps to remember that it’s just a dumb object. An object that wanted to live in Brazil. An object that is teaching me about letting go. It also helps, a lot, that my new friend A was standing next to me taking almost all the same photos.

So much hope lies ahead. And, for now, a reminder to be in the moment.

And a run will help.

anxiety, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

midway

thesolomamaproject

Hi all, thank you for all the check-ins. For lots of reasons, including the wedding, the business trip, and emotional processing, I let the “suspended” post stand for days because I am still suspended and that’s the bottom line.

However, lots has happened. I have to keep this brief as I am standing at a work station at Midway International Airport which seems fitting since I am midway between two outcomes without any definitive news.

Many times in the past few days, I have reached a crisis point of figuring it’s all over. It could easily be not viable given the symptoms that are piling up. However, the docs and nurses tell me everything I’ve experienced is in the range of normal. Or it could be a miscarriage. Either one.

(Warning: If you’re a guy friend who recently told me that he reads my blog but feels there’s too much about “the chemistry of the vagina,” the TMI starts here.)

Spotting started on Thursday night, which, in combination with my questionable ultrasound, plunged me into despair. Talked off ledge by R and L at dinner. I pulled it together and went to the wedding, where bathroom visits became panicky as tiny clots started to emerge. Held hands crying in the moonlight for 10 minutes with C and L before going back in to dance the night away. Home on Sunday, low point on Sunday night where the stress of my upcoming 6am flight was too much and I called my family and yelled about how hard and sad and awful this is. Puffy-eyed 6am flight, arrived in Chicago, went to work dinner, more clotting. This is it, right? Called UCSF answering service, got a very reassuring and nice doctor who said clotting is still old blood, same as the spotting…could become a miscarriage, but could be normal. (She also mentioned, “I see from your ultrasound that they saw everything they wanted to see, but the sac measured 5w6d so it was too early to see the fetal pole.” She said the next ultrasound would tell us everything.) Next day, I woke up with cramps. OK, THIS must be it. On the day of my presentation, awesome. Olga called and said cramping can be normal. Took a couple Tylenol. Haggled with the hotel for a late checkout (J told them I was having a medical issue and they nearly called an ambulance). J gave me an awesome pep talk that I wish I had recorded–by the end, I was laughing. Made it through presentation. Bailed on work dinner and made it to my friend K’s house for the night–wonderful. Symptoms slowed to almost nothing.

That’s where we are, folks. I hesitated to write and drag you on the still-bumpy and still-inconclusive road, but I’m getting so many check-ins (thank you!) that posting is easier. I know you want to know, I know it’s suspenseful, and I’m glad you’re there and you care. I am feeling stoic with a large dose of denial so I can get through each day. To answer the obvious question, YES I would love to get an ultrasound but it’s complicated on the road plus given the early measurements from the doc it could STILL be too early. So, we’ll know by Monday at the latest but maybe sooner. I appreciate your good wishes.

acupuncture, anxiety, meditation, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

suspended

thesolomamaproject

Hi guys. It’s been a tough week to find the time to write or even know what to write. I even have to make this post quick, since I have to pack for a wedding and jet off to work.

I’ll start by saying that so far everything is OK so far–I know my last post scared some people who had to speed read to the end. Everything, as far as I know, is OK. I am OK.

After sending a query back to Olga about the vastly different response I got from her vs. the other nurse, she sent this:

Hi Katie,
When I read the note it said intrauterine pregnancy but I overlooked that it said no fetal pole. It is still very early in the pregnancy so we should definitely have more information at your next ultrasound on 8/6. 6 weeks is very early and the pregnancy can definitely develop as time passes. I will keep my fingers crossed for your next ultrasound. By 8/6 they should see a fetal pole and a heartbeat. Keep positive and keep me posted. Thanks! Olga

Olga kills me. I try to have a sense of humor about her, but sending a congrats before reading the full note is not excellent care.

The day after my ultrasound, I found out my tentative business trip to Chicago was confirmed for next week and I would need to fly to Chicago the same day as ultrasound #2, as in go straight to the airport directly from UCSF. I knew that would just be too much stress. I decided to meditate on it at meditation group and also sleep on it. By the morning, I had decided to put off my ultrasound #2 by one more week.

I know it sounds kind of bananas since, of course, I am dying to know. But I want to go back when the result will be conclusive and no sooner–no more messing with my head over the chances of what may or may not be. My new appointment is 8/13 at 8.5 weeks with the nurse practitioner (and not the mean doc, thank goodness). Since I’ll be right across the lake from my parents, I decided to take the 55 min flight from Chicago to Manistee to work from their house on Thursday and Friday and spend the weekend here:

It all came together and I felt so relieved. As a final cherry on top: yesterday, work circumstances determined that J will be flying in from NY on Monday to assist me with the presentation–he might even pick me up from the airport. I’ll be surrounded by love and distraction the whole time.

And, even before that, a big wedding weekend 1.5 hours from SF with great friends–I’m leaving this afternoon for the rehearsal. And before that a lot of work to finish. And packing. These things woke me up at 4am and played on a ticker tape until I figured out the order that everything needs to get done, decided what I won’t have time to do or what will have to be put off until Sunday (too much), and went back to sleep. I’ve been waking up at 4am or 5am regularly. My acupuncturist can feel the stress and light sleep in my pulse. He is so unimpressed with UCSF care and wished I could get the second ultrasound sooner just to get my body off this stress spiral. But…it just isn’t possible (unless I can’t stand it anymore and schedule something in Traverse City, not impossible).

As with trying to telepathically detect signs of pregnancy, I am detecting signs of which direction this is going, and I’m not going to drag you along on that paranoid and bumpy road. The speculation is the unbearable part and gets us nowhere. The jury is truly still out.

My #1 job right now is to reduce stress where possible, be kind to myself, meditate at every single opportunity. try to make all these planning, packing, working steps easy. Decide what to not to do. Everyone encourages me to stay positive and I am really, really trying. It’s the biggest roller coaster yet.

I am a strong and powerful person.

anxiety, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

ultrasound #1

thesolomamaproject

Well, that did not go as expected!

My sweet sister B met me in the waiting room on the 7th floor at UCSF this afternoon. I’d been feeling mild butterflies and a lot of giddy nervous energy going in. Hoping and hoping and hoping they would see whatever they’re supposed to see. Acutely aware that I could be launched into joy or grief with one wave of the transvaginal wand.

B had me choose a random goddess card in the waiting room. I chose Vesta, the goddess of hearth and home, inviting me to make my home a warm, welcoming place including upgrades like “welcoming a new occupant.” We had a good laugh over that one.

In the exam room, B had me breathe and visualize my grounding cord connected to the center of the earth.

The NP came in and her name is Stephanie–the same lady who knocked me up! I thanked her. We got down to business and she immediately saw the gestational sac (YAY!) and the yolk sac (YAY!) and then said she’d come back to that in a minute… Then she probed around my ovaries and fallopian tubes to rule out an ectopic pregnancy or a second embryo (which were indeed ruled out–YAY!) and then she came back to the sac and got quiet and then we entered a timeless vaccuum wherein I was suspended in outer space with nothing to hold on to.

Then she pulled out the wand, notably before she had pointed out an actual baby. She explained that she wasn’t able to see the fetal pole, which she would have expected to see at this stage (6 weeks and 4 days), but sometimes things get calculated wrong due to natural variations so I should come back in a week. Given that there is no question about when I conceived, there is less room for variation, but she suggested “guarded hope” since she’s seen this go either way. She said, “I’m sorry, I wish I had more definitive news.”

I made an appt for one week from today (unfortunately with Dr. Fujimoto, who is famous for making people cry!) and walked outside with my sister. I was in shock. I was poised for definitive news! And this was pretty inconclusive and dire sounding. In the car, I started spiraling. My sister was awesome. She had me put one hand on my heart and one on my belly and ask myself, “What is the gift in this moment?” So many…. my heart said, “I am alive. I am feeling so many emotions. I am mindful of the jackhammer down the block and the bird chirping in the tree above my parked car.” Then it said, “And the baby is OK.”

I texted Dr. Beans, whose response was, “Don’t worry. Sounds normal for 6 weeks. We usually don’t ultrasound until 8 weeks for that reason.” HUGE relief, because Beans delivers babies and would be straight with me. I got home and consulted Dr. Google. Many, many examples of women in this exact situation. Some turn out viable, some do not, but it’s a sketchy week for seeing fetal poles. (From Wikipedia: “The fetal pole is a thickening on the margin of the yolk sac of a fetus during pregnancy. It is usually identified at 6.5 weeks with abdominal ultrasound imaging, and 6 weeks with vaginal ultrasound imaging. However it is quite normal for the fetal pole to not be visible until about 9 weeks.“)

I called my Mom and Dad and held it together for the first few minutes but when I eventually burst into tears they were like OH NO YOU DON’T! Have you read your own blog? You need to stay POSITIVE! They were tough love with zero tolerance on worrying–they made me laugh. I had a great call with also-prego L who also underscored positivity and faith. Then I got this email from Olga:

Hi Katie,
Sorry I am replying to this email so late. I see that you made it to your ultrasound appointment and it is a viable pregnancy! That is fantastic news! Congratulations I am so happy for you. Please continue to keep me posted! Olga
As usual, Olga comes in from left field. Then gay bf J texted to check in, I sent him the news about the sacs and he texted back, “Wonderful! He/she has a house now!”

Deeeep breath. I feel like I’ve experienced all of the following this afternoon (in this order): cautious optimism, empty shock, stoic resignation, waves of sadness and fear, a moment of despair, levity, relief, laughter, balancing on a tightrope, back to normal, anger at technology, fatigue, and now beating myself up for not staying more grounded.

So, for all that, Olga says it’s a viable pregnancy. So that’s worth celebrating!

I celebrated by going out for a $160 money order and passport photos for my tourist visa appointment at the Brazilian consulate tomorrow morning. I also stopped at Jamba Juice for a fancy mango smoothie and Safeway for a fancy piece of wild salmon. I feel fine. Nothing is wrong. B pointed out that if the lentil is due to triple in size this week, then a few days clearly makes a huge difference.

Please send lentil love!
anxiety, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

fresh air

thesolomamaproject

A couple of days ago, I read a post on the SMC site that has helped me shift into a more positive and less fearful experience of early pregnancy. Someone posted the question: how do you deal with the anxiety at this stage? There were many helpful responses, and here’s the one that stated exactly what I needed to hear:

“I had two losses before conceiving my daughter. The first was a very early chemical pregnancy, and mostly reassured me that I could get pregnant. The second was very difficult for me. When I started trying again I was afraid to get a BFP because I was afraid it would all end again, a feeling heightened by a well meaning, but poorly stated comment by a friend who said it was like my body was just working it’s way up to a full-term pregnancy, and each one would get further along. Any who, when I finally got that BFP, I had several people who were worried for me, and at that point I decided to let them keep worrying, and I was going to enjoy being pregnant for as long as it lasted, hoping of course it would be 40 weeks. That really freed me up to just dream about my baby, and now my standard advice is just assume that all is going to be fine, and enjoy your pregnancy & baby dreams, you will never get this time back and you don’t want to worry it away. If the worst should come, you can deal with it then, but there is no sense worrying about what most likely won’t happen, just dream the dreams you have for your sweet little baby.”

Assume that all is going to be fine! What a beautiful sentiment! I experienced this as a breath of fresh air! This woman is now a mom of 2 and considering a third. Inspiring.

While my anxiety has (thankfully) been minimal in the past few weeks, it does have the capacity to take me down the path of worst-case scenarios that begin with a right ovary twinge. Now I suddenly feel free to simply note how I’m feeling, keep myself adequately informed on what actually entails an emergency, and otherwise keep calm and carry on. And ENJOY it. Smile when I take my prenatal vitamin and fish oil pill, and again later when I get the fish burp. Marvel at my first-ever mid-afternoon nap in the “Comfort Room” at the office. Revel in the now-handful of friends who are pregnant right along with me (or are on the verge!!). Laugh about the hilariousness of inspecting your boob size/soreness more than once a day. Imagine the tiny little love in there, growing, thriving… It’s the road less traveled: assume the best-case scenario.

So, that is kind of blowing my mind as it extends to life in general and helps me have a happier outlook on pretty much everything. Also blowing my mind is a book called Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin, loaned to me by dear friend MM. Ina May is a world-renowned expert midwife who got her start on a commune in Tennessee. The book includes 200 pages of home birth stories. I am taking a break from reading to write this post–it’s totally engrossing, if a little dated in its 70s terminology, describing many experiences as “heavy,” “psychedelic,” and “far out.” Has anyone else read it? Powerful, beautiful, moving stories. Our bodies know how to do this.

After this book, EJ and I will trade and I’ll read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Believe it or not, before long I’ll need to line up a midwife and figure out at least theoretically what type of context (home, birthing center, hospital) I would want to give birth in. PS there isn’t even one birthing center in San Francisco, which had initially seemed like the perfect middle-ground solution. I’m hearing good things about hospitals here (set up like birthing centers), but Ina May is luring me home.

Yes, you’re right, just because I’m assuming the best doesn’t mean I have to figure it all out tonight, or anytime soon. Especially as my eyes feel like bowling balls in my head. I’m gearing up for my birthday weekend–I’ll be entering the last year of my 30s this Saturday! Then, on Monday, I will go to the ultrasound with my dear sister B to see a bunch of lights on a screen that will hopefully signify my next generation.

anxiety, dating, pregnancy, running, single mom by choice, SMC

le week-end

thesolomamaproject

Good morning! Since I am going to bed earlier all the time (lights out at 9:30 last night), the morning is becoming my sharpest time of day–might as well slip in a blog post.

Last week was intense. (not “in tents,” Dad–he will make a Dad joke and ask if I went camping). Between the two blood tests and the 4 days of work visitors and meetings, it was a lot happening simultaneously. I’m happy to say I weathered it–blood test results were great, meetings went well, and I got my tired ass to bed early each night. By Friday, I was toast and worked from home.

The weekend was lovely! Went out with dear S to an art opening, African music/art, and dinner on Friday. At dinner, I started feeling a mild pain on the right side. Nothing big, it just started talking to me. I soon identified it as my right ovary. What would be the job of my ovary at this point? Hard to say, but it started worrying me… I went home and read on the SMC forum that someone had just miscarried at 6 weeks. In the morning the pain was still there. The anxiety can kick up fast.

I drove up north to practice wedding music with MM, and fortunately the sensation tapered off throughout the day and hasn’t returned. So, great. Maybe my ovary just had one or two quick things to say. If it comes back, I promise to call the doc, Beans.

On Sunday morning, I went with L (also preg) on our usual run in the Oakland Hills! As soon as we took our first few running steps, we both grabbed our boobs and went “oooowwww.” A glorious blue-sky day, we talked nonstop about pregnancy topics for probably a total of 3.5 hours between the way there, the run (2h20mins included walking), and pizza afterward. Dr. Tran says to keep up the normal workout, so we did (with a few modifications). We’re both in great shape–would be awesome to keep up this weekend run as long as we both feel good. I feel so blessed that L is on my schedule!

After that, I had a late lunch date. Dating while pregnant! Still in the game! Don’t get excited though–lately the guys I meet online seem like they’re from another planet. I will be the first to admit that this is largely due to recent changes in my own perspective and less to do with them and their (seriously countless) quirks. While this guy was going on and on about himself for the first half of the lunch, I was more interested in this angelic two-year-old redhead with almond-shaped blue eyes at the next table over, and a 6-month-old at the table beyond that one. I’ll admit that I started playing the “let’s see how long I can keep him talking about himself before he notices he knows nothing about me” game, and was mildly disappointed when he finally did notice and started asking about me. After we split the bill, we ended up strolling a bit (my idea), which was better since I didn’t have to watch his distracting facial tics like flashing his lower teeth in the middle of a sentence–I kept thinking he must have braces or food caught in the sides of his mouth. At the end he said, “I’m leaving town on Wed for two weeks, so I’ll give you a call you when I get back!” Not a terrible guy, but…see ya never.

Maybe I am just not in the mindset for dating?!

I went home and shifted gears from Sex and the City to newly prego lady. I took a nap. Then my sister came over and did hands-on reiki on me which was very relaxing. In bed at 9.

I am 5 weeks 4 days today. Did you know that in the 6th week, the baby triples in size? That’s in tents.

Enjoying every minute!