Category: dating

anxiety, breakup, dating, depression, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

progress

thesolomamaproject

I’m at Four Barrel, unexpectedly. I got my acupuncture appointment time wrong which left me with an extra hour before dinner and meditation… so I jetted over here to get an extra hour of work done only to find: no wireless! This big fancy café full of people in 2012 does not offer wireless. Imagine that.

So, it looks like I’ll be forced not to work. And while I can’t blog real-time, I can blog with a time-delay, which means I’ll probably go to bed earlier tonight than I would otherwise, and it’ll all be the same to you.

I haven’t been in this café since I met up with my friend I here in September. We hadn’t caught up in a while, and she knew I was going through a rough time. She leaned in and said, “OK, Honey. What’s going on?” I remember looking around the café at all the hipsters and couples and one very memorably beautiful baby. The afternoon sun was streaming in, just like it is now. I started at the beginning and unraveled the whole story. I was in crisis. My relationship had become unworkable. She listened and listened with a look on her face that told me there wasn’t much more to figure out. “Honey, it sounds like it just needs to end.” I believe we made some plans for me to become a mom on my own. But it was Friday night and I was on my way to his place for the weekend and my heart was breaking at the thought of all that was ahead of me.

It’s kind of cool to be back here, way over on the other side of all that.

I had a hard day yesterday. Just when I thought I had regained my balance after the end of Cycle 2, I was knocked off my center again. Blame the hormones, but there’s something about the sadness of not getting pregnant that sends me directly over to the sadness of not being in a relationship—it’s kind of a one-two punch. So it was coincidental that I ran into my post-breakup rebound at happy hour yesterday afternoon (my therapist and I refer to him as a “relapse”—he is an adorable mess and a disaster for me). And then it wasn’t so coincidental later on when I decided to check my most recent ex’s facebook page, landing on photos of his new girlfriend’s birthday celebration and his (their?) upcoming trip to Spain.

I can tell you with 110% certainty that I don’t want to be with either one of them. And I can tell you with 120% certainty that checking ex-boyfriends’ facebook pages should be against the law. (Why, for example, does facebook ask me, “Do you want to be friends with David?” Facebook: Why act all innocent when you obviously “know” we were “In a relationship,” the official way, for a year (check my timeline). It should say something like, “Are you ready to be post-breakup friends or are you just checking to make sure you’re better/prettier/smarter/thinner than his new girlfriend? I thought so.”)

Still. I did, once upon a time, want to be with him forever. He has a great sense of humor and he can be extremely generous and thoughtful and we had some seriously great times together. But I could not get a SPARK out of him—I never witnessed fiery passion or anger or despair or uncontrollable laughter. I am a LEO. I need romance and adoration and promises. I need unsolicited and unabashed expressions of love. I need to be with someone who smiles for photos. He wouldn’t smile for photos!

We hatched this plan to travel the world together for six months, the romance of which, for me, was that we’d throw our lives together, have this huge life-changing adventure, then come back and get married and pregnant. But then I stopped sleeping and developed massive anxiety around the planning. When I checked in with him on the after-the-trip plan, he was “not even thinking about those things.” Here I was on the verge of giving up my job, apartment, community, and lots/all of my savings. I’m thanking my higher power that I changed direction before SERIOUSLY f-ing up my ENTIRE life.

But sometimes it’s just easier to focus on the negative and really go with it, especially when you’re drunk on one beer after weeks of sobriety. So, I spent the evening on email and on the phone recounting the events of my day in excruciating detail to no fewer than five friends (THANK YOU) until I went to sleep and woke up feeling pretty much normal again. I do bounce back.

And here I am, randomly back at Four Barrel, my reminder from the universe that I did the hard work and emerged stronger, feeling so much freer and happier and more me than on my last visit to this wireless-free center of excellent coffee. So, hooray for that. I’d say that’s progress.

dating, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

16 million…

thesolomamaproject

…is the number of sperm in the 2 washed vials (for the price of one!) that were gently placed in my uterus two days ago, “with blessings and love” from Ingrid. And with that, we’re off to the races.

Afterward, in the spirit of “goin’ about my biz,” I decided to go to an impromptu happy hour to see a couple of colleagues in from NYC, including my boss’ boss. I showed up to a nice welcome and whispered to the waitress that I’d be fine with water. The boss’ boss shouted, “WHY, ARE YOU PREGNANT? YOU KNOW IF YOU DON’T DRINK EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE PREGNANT! HAR HAR!” and I did my best, Oh my GOD of course not, HAHA, I’m just planning on exercising later so (mumble, mumble)…and then everyone moved on. It was still weird, and will only get weirder as the months of intermittent drinking go on. Ah well…let them think what they will!

Yesterday, I decided to cancel the Friday night date because I was feeling less comfortable with it all the time. Contemplating my love life as a sidebar to the baby project has been quite the dilemma in itself… I thought that, theoretically, a more casual thing for once could possibly fit nicely given the bandwidth that must be reserved for trying to conceive as well as the fact that I’m no longer angling to find a babydaddy. But when this guy expressed more than once that he’s not looking for a relationship “per se” and suggested meeting at 10pm, I thought: why would I spend time on something that I wasn’t at least open to seeing where it goes? Why am I settling for another not-good-enough situation? Noticing also that it felt icky to put the maybe-baby in proximity to potentially messy dramz. I ended up giving this guy my honest assessment that I’m upgrading what I’m looking for (an open-ended connection, even despite or in addition to or because of my trying to have a baby), and said I’d still like to talk about music sometime, which he said he’d be open to maybe after a little time for switching gears on the whole thing. Another nice, talented, unavailable guy.

Tonight, I had dinner with two fellow SMCs, Ms. R and JJ. We absolutely howled with laughter–there is just too much funny and ridiculous stuff that goes on in this process. Between diet and temperature and donor status and dating and paperwork and tests and meltdowns and you name it. There is a LOT to discuss and I’m grateful to be going through this with a tribe.

Tomorrow morning, I have the important job of transporting two vials of my dear donor’s sperm in a rented cryotank from PRS to UCSF to be sworn in with a pile of witnessed signatures and paperwork. Glad, again, to be taking action on the next round while the current one is still in process. Later in the day, I’ll return to UCSF for the psych evaluation, which, from what JJ says, is a lot of, “Have you considered X super-obvious thing that you’ve obviously been obsessing about for months?” I will try to nod and smile instead of saying, “Oh, wow! Huh! No, I really hadn’t considered how I’ll handle child care! Thanks for the reminder!” etc. I think of it as another task to check off the list, and I already have a therapist to counsel me through this, thank you.

Then a real weekend of real rest (and doing my taxes, which are late and no extension, oops). Good night

dating, IUI, ovulation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

Round 2!

thesolomamaproject

It was reported to me through the grapevine that Mr. Michigan thought I was “cool” but isn’t interested in dating me. Which I hope we can all agree is completely OUTRAGEOUS! I know my readership will get behind me on this one. I am instantly aware of five million reasons we were a terrible match to start with, coupled by the fact that he has dubious taste in women and may even have a criminal record in my home state.

OK…just because I felt a pang of tenderness in my dating-weary, Grinch-y little heart doesn’t mean that I will now collapse in a spiral of self-loathing. I’m hopeful that the big Significance of the encounter I was searching for yesterday is actually that I’m a) finally leaving high school behind me (har har!) and/or b) that my heart is opening up to the beginning of the end of a relatively long guy-atus. We shall see.

So, my first attempt at bringing you legitimate dating drama has been short-lived… but, on the bright side, I scored a positive OPK today, which means that I have a date tomorrow at 4pm with the REAL man in my life: my donor. Yes! It’s time to gear up for Round #2! I am enjoying my last night before the dreaded two week wait but also looking forward to being maybe-pregnant as there sure are a lot of babies and pregnancies around me (congrats to my prego friend in Colombia as well as to my friend M who gave me Mojo and gave birth to a perfectly glorious baby boy 2 days ago!).

Ms. R, who is exactly and precisely always getting her period when I am ovulating and vice versa, unfortunately got the news from AF today about not being pregnant this cycle. I am eating ice cream tonight in solidarity with her. The good thing about our flip-flopped cycles is that one of us is always stable enough to counsel the other one’s freakouts. On the downside, we will never get drunk together ever again.

And: I have a date date on Friday night with a guy from online. I won’t waste my or your time with any details except to say that he’s an amazing musician and fully aware of my baby project (got that off my chest in email #2). (Mr. Mich would have never been so open-minded!)

Here’s to IUI #2 and this egg meeting that sperm: gogogogo!

dating, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

chance

thesolomamaproject

I’m blogging on my iPad while getting a pedicure. And I won’t apologize!

Today was wonderful–I love coming home to SF, especially gaining those 3 hours back that were painfully lost on the way to the east coast. I fell asleep at 10 last night and leisurely awoke at 6 to armies of birds welcoming the morning with their songs. Those three hours brought me back to civilization, with warm breezes and a slow cup of coffee.

My first plan of the day was to attend a toddler birthday party in Golden Gate Park. To save time, I decided to combine it with my morning run by running there with gift in hand (fortunately not as awkward as it sounds since it was a thin book that tucked neatly under my arm). Meanwhile, the birthday boy’s mom had texted me that her friend’s husband’s friend would be there and she wanted to set me up. All she said was that he’s 6’1″. She had read a recent post of mine here about taking steps toward dating while in trying-to-conceive-mode, and this guy “wants kids” and therefore may not freak out about “hanging out with someone pregnant” and I really do appreciate it (hint, hint) when friends keep me in mind for the eligible bachelors who cross their path, especially ones that for some strange reason seem compatible with my plans.

Showing up post 5-mile run was therefore not setting me up to look my “best,” but you know what? Getting my run in was more important, and shows me at my best in a whole other way. Plus, even with friends’ best intentions, they’ve been known to choose guys for me who are just wildly wrong to the point where I wonder if they know me at all. (Sometimes I’ve suspected them of having their own crush and wanting to live vicariously.) So I hedged my bets and picked the cutest running gear.

This time, EJ did good. At first glance across the playground, he was kind of ridiculously handsome. We eyed each other from a distance for a while, both of us in on the plan, until I went over to meet him, wearing at that point a multitude of borrowed clothing because I was so freezing out there in the fog post-run. Wishing I was dressed, if not to the nines, then at least a little less like someone who lived in the park.

Everyone around us suddenly evacuated, and we had a nice chat. He was solicitous and friendly and I momentarily forgot about my baseball cap, frizzy ponytail, and giant flannel plaid shirt. At some point, I said, “So I heard that you lived in Michigan?” (I’d been filled in on this detail on my way in.)

“Actually, I’m from Michigan.”

“Oh..me too.”

We’d been walking, and at this point he turned and faced me, amused, and the next part felt like theater, “Where in Michigan.”

Yes–we are from the same small town.

He took a step back (now he looked spooked) and said “What’s your last name?” and I said “What’s your last name?”

I knew his last name. His younger brother was in my class. A nice, popular guy with a big smile who was shorter and less handsome than the guy in front of me.

I don’t think we quite recovered from the shock of that for the rest of the party. He gave me a nice hug at the end but didn’t ask for digits–was he afraid I’d have insider access to his sordid hometown legacy?

I mean, really. He went to my high school? (oh and ps: we also went to the same university.) Now I feel like my friend must have been picking up on some kind of Michigan vibe. Did he talk a tiny bit like me so she made a subconscious connection? Is this a sign? And a sign of what?

Well, that we can’t know. But it did get me thinking about how unpredictable life is and how much life can have a sense of humor, throwing impossibly unlikely coincidences in our paths. We always want to know–what does it mean? And that we can only know in retrospect. Maybe that was the extent of the universe’s joke today. Hee hee, says the universe! It certainly puts a new spin on which sperm meets up with which egg…the chances of you or me ever coming into existence were basically infinitesimal.

Meanwhile, I’m just enjoying the ride over here. Still just peeing on a stick (which oddly enough, keeps me grounded) and happy to be back in my beautiful city.

Il faut toujours tenter la chance.

dating, IUI, ovulation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

mojo

thesolomamaproject

A few weekends ago, I was crying to my friend M that it didn’t look like I was going to be able to do the first IUI this month and by the way I also thought I’d lost my mojo. That I felt invisible and must have crossed over into a significantly higher age threshold or badly needed a cut and color because I was getting zero attention from men anywhere. She pointed out that a) you never lose your mojo and b) if you’ve think you’ve lost your mojo then that’s what you’re projecting into the world and that’s what it reflects back to you. And then she told me to get outside so I went for a run at Lands End and felt five million times better.

Just days before, a different friend M, who is weeks away from giving birth, gave me a sock bunny that she made herself. I was really touched by this, not least because I have no talent for crafting and admire it in others. Plus, she is glowing and pregnant and happy and the sock bunny came with good vibes. I decided to name him Mojo and never lose him. Here is Mojo:

:Image

Then, just days after that, my ovulation test was positive and I went in for my IUI. I decided that Mojo should come with me for all my appointments. And now I specifically sleep with him too. He’s a nice guy and what a big heart!

Let’s just say that trying to conceive takes up a lot of mental bandwidth. Especially during the infamous two week wait, which was torture. As yet, I have not figured out how to date or even take step one in the direction of dating with all this going on… My taxi light says something like, “I’m not sure how to do this so, um, maybe take the next one.”

My friend Beans, who has been at this for months and is beginning her first IVF this week, told me that she didn’t date for the first few months of trying either, but it was a gradual process of getting comfortable with it. Maybe that will be true for me, and I hope so, because I think we could all use some lighthearted dating drama especially now that I’ve called off the search for a babydaddy. It would be nice to share the company of someone who is nice to me and (for some reason) not scared off by my plan.

It’s a lot to contemplate, but I believe that the sub-genre of ‘dating while pregnant’ is seriously under-explored!

Meanwhile, M is right: the mojo is not lost. It’s just that a girl’s got to prioritize, and dating isn’t currently the priority. This is all going to take some time to sort out (and likely a team of mental health professionals), so I’ll just stay open to what the universe sends me, and tonight it’s a snugglebunny.