Category: pregnancy

acupuncture, dating, fertility, IUI, ovulation, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

I heart Dr. Tran

thesolomamaproject

Today I saw the doc to discuss next steps, in the event that IUI#6 doesn’t pan out. He was handsome as usual in a wool sweater today, no doctor coat. He has such a warm and understated personality and always manages to work into the conversation how hard he’s working, but that he can’t complain because loves his job. (How often does your doctor tell you that??)

He mentioned at least every three minutes that I can get pregnant, and that I did get pregnant, 2 out of 4 tries (he doesn’t count the first 2 tries at PRS since he didn’t oversee them). I’m “batting 500.” Nothing is wrong, nothing is worth testing now. He also said at least 4 times how much he wishes that his patients didn’t have to go through miscarriages, but they don’t know how to prevent that yet, and it’s really nature’s way of selecting. He looked concerned and paused on the topic of miscarriage and I thought I might cry but then we moved on. I hadn’t thought about the lentil in a little while.

So, what does he recommend? He thinks we’re ready to move on to Clomid, which is a pill I’ll start taking on Day 2 to grow more, fatter follicles, like 2-3 would be great. 4-5 and we might wait until the next month to be sure I don’t have millions of babies. On Day 10: ultrasound to check the follies. Day 12: trigger shot to trigger ovulation (I’ll need to learn about how to give myself the shot), then IUI the next day.

The idea is that we’d have multiple embryos and hopefully end up with one normal one. Of course, I could end up with two, in which case you are all hired. I’m sure I would go ahead with twins and it would ruin my life in the best way possible. How many cycles does he recommend with Clomid? Only 3. Then IVF, but he feels strongly that we won’t get there (and if we do, I have high ovarian reserve, so it would be a slam dunk (my words)). I said that I liked this plan, and he smiled and said, OH, I have a plan for you and I always did!

It looks like I should be able to wrap this up one way or another by my 40th birthday in July, which is a nice goal. Dr. Tran walked me out and touched my arm as he said good bye and to hang in there. I wonder if there’s any ethical way for me to date him? (This crosses my mind every time we meet.)

Meanwhile, I could be pregnant now. But I’m only 5 days in, thought I was feeling mild cramping last night but it turned out to be gas (doesn’t it always?). Today, my digestive system is not happy with me and I’m on the couch feeling achey and cold under a blanket while the cleaning lady cleans and the city erupts outside in celebration over the Giants winning the World Series exponentially intensified due to the fact that it’s Halloween (supposedly there are a million people out there–my acupuncturist called to cancel because he can’t even get to his office).

I realize that ending yesterday’s post with a potential guy-atus was a bit incongruous after listing all that I have “going on,” even it’s a lot of dating busy work and no real results. I think a guy-atus is my way of pretending I have control (now I’m on! now I’m off!) even though I don’t, and of course I would be open to meeting someone great whenever. The question is how much energy do I invest. Maybe dating Dr. Hawaii long-distance with romantic visits here and there throughout the coming year would be the perfect mix?

As MMcL emailed me yesterday, perhaps it’s about accepting the pace of where things are at. If I think Baseball Guy should have called sooner than five days after a first date, maybe that’s arbitrary. Maybe now that I’m not seeking a babydaddy it’s time to slow my roll and just see who shows up–we’re not under the gun anymore!!

Two shouts out: The Solo Mana Project got two recent mentions:

  • On the SMC site it is the featured blog post this week! It’s from the summer, when I was prego, which is a blast from the past now but what an honor to be featured there, thank you, Jane.
  • On a virtual friend’s blog, Return to Go, I was nominated for a Liebster Award, which, from what I gather, means that I answer her 11 questions and then nominate 11 other bloggers to do the same. Cool! I’ll do this soon.
biological clock, dating, donor sperm, fertility, IUI, ovulation, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

potential

thesolomamaproject

I’m in the hours between a promising first date and an IUI.

Fascinating, isn’t this? Here is a window into my thoughts, “But when he finally came around, would he be able to love the child as his own?”

Even I know I’m getting ahead of myself. But I did pause in the bathroom thinking, “Should I tell him tonight?” (When I got back to the table, he had outed us for being on a match.com date to the girls at the next table over. They giggled and wished us luck.)

Then I remembered there’s nothing he could do to talk me out of it. I got to this point, age 39 with waning fertility, because of waiting. Waiting and bad matches. And: chances are actually pretty high that things won’t work out with him AND I won’t get pregnant. Not to be pessimistic, just helpfully realistic. I don’t have to start juggling a baby and a boyfriend tomorrow. Unless I get really, really lucky.

I was talking to L on the phone just moments before walking into the bar. She said, “Are you excited?” and I said, “My mouth just went dry. I think so.”

He walked in, instant rapport. He lives up the hill, plays baseball, works in tech, and considers himself a lapsed Buddhist. Somehow, he pulled off a royal blue sweater vest. I didn’t realize he was ambiguously ethnic until he mentioned his dad is Sri Lankan. He has three older sisters. When I asked about his career aspirations, he said he just wants to make enough money to be able to hang out with his kids. (follow-up question: do you have to be the bio dad?)

Intriguing how they all want to be babydaddies now that I have McPiercy.

He paid for my beer at The Page and my dinner and beer at Fly Bar (yes, I bent the no-alcohol rule since it’s IUI eve). He fired many thoughtful questions and listened intently as I answered. I noticed early on that he brought out one of the best versions of me. He kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug and…it was nice. (Dad, was that too much?)

Then I drove up to Marin to visit D and J and borrow one of J’s zillion Halloween costumes. I landed on Cinderella. It would be too easy (and nauseating!) to make this a sign that I’m headed for a fairy tale ending, and plus I don’t think I believe the fairy tale anymore, which makes my costume choice a bit problematic. I just want a nice guy to hang out with. If he turns out to be a Prince Charming who loves to hang out with my kid, so be it.

Finally: He asked me to think it over and let him know if I want to see him again. I said, “Ask me out again!” (Was I supposed to play it cool? I’m thinking yes. Sigh.)

Tomorrow is big. I *will* call the sperm thaw hotline before 8:30. I will put forward my best effort to begin a new life. Then I will party till the clock strikes midnight.

fertility, IUI, outdoors, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC, writing

sun salutations

thesolomamaproject

Blog! I’ve missed you. I went a little while without writing, like 9 days. It was a very packed 9 days and had almost nothing to do with fertility and everything to do with work: deadlines, stress, travel, presentations. And there were moments of joy: roadtripping with J, running 8 miles along the coastal cliffs of Southern California, sitting around the fire drinking cucumber vodkas, flirting with nerdy finance guys at the hotel bar, and stopping to see my insemination sister A in Santa Barbara on the way home. Let’s pick it up there.

When I went for my first IUI in March, I was put in touch with her by dear mutual friend J because A, single, living abroad, went for her first IUI the same weekend as me. A frenetic gchat relationship ensued, wherein many questions were asked and answered, acronyms flew, and we were pretty much always freaking out. Two weeks later, A had taken four negative home pregnancy tests followed by a very positive blood test. She got pregnant on the first try.

Yes: she freaked out. I was the first person she told, on gchat, because I was hanging out there waiting for the verdict. She spiraled into a whole other hemisphere of intensely mixed emotions as I tried to understand how she’d be anything but blissfully happy–and this was a good lesson for me: you never know how you’re going to feel.

Fast forward two months and A came through San Francisco: we met for coffee. We squeezed in 1.5 hours, and for me the final puzzle piece clicked into place. You definitely don’t quite know who you’re dealing with until you meet in person. Next, we gchatted, blogged, facebooked, and never quite skyped (working on that) our way through all of these months. I pretty much know what’s going on with her every day.

Fast forward to Sunday, and she’s 31 weeks pregnant, in town for her baby shower. Of course it was impossible not to look at her and think, “That would be me.” But I’m not in a place of feeling sad about it–I’m at where I’m at, and so is she, and MAN this is a wild journey. You just never know. I am so happy for her, and her baby boy on his way. A great example and huge support from South America, especially when I need it most.

We did yoga on the beach in the morning, an idyllic scene of sunrise, calm waves, and birds with very long beaks running along the water’s edge, digging deep in the sand for their breakfast treats. Here we were, two women in our late 30’s, greeting the sun with all our beauty and imperfection, our experience and adventure, our independence and insecurities, our passion to be moms. One with a belly, one without.

For the record! She started with meds on the first try and has been somewhat bewildered about why I wouldn’t do the same. I am getting there. This cycle will be my last unmedicated one: #6. I have an appointment next week with Dr. Tran to discuss #7 and what my protocol will entail. For now, I am peeing on a stick and #6 will happen sometime around this weekend.

After the work travel (which entails dessert after every meal), I am also trying to reset the health button by going off gluten, sugar, caffeine, and alcohol.  My sister gave me a Vitamix (THANK YOU!) which means I can pack a mountain of fruits and vegetables into one smoothie. I kid you not, I feel the difference after one day. (I think gluten might be the devil.) It’s that time of month where we switch over from bourbon, Newman-O’s, boy-crazy mode, and coffee back over to broccoli, fish oil, quinoa, light runs, and fizzy water. Quiet, and sleep.

Just to throw a wrench into the works, I have jury duty tomorrow. How much blogging will I do from court?

Stay tuned! The jury’s out 🙂

acupuncture, anxiety, dating, donor sperm, meditation, outdoors, pregnancy, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait, writing

commence week 2

thesolomamaproject

I assume I’m pregnant. But in a disconnected, almost blasé way–I seem to have merged being in the wait with being in early pregnancy: it’s all tentative until it’s confirmed. So, I perceive some symptoms and yet catch myself moments before plunging into the hot tub (thankfully, L keeps hers at 98 degrees). I find myself going over my food consumption in retrospect, when it would already be too late. If I’m lucky, I will remember not to have a margarita after work.

I like this new, disconnected merged feeling and hope it lasts. I feel like I’m right where I thought I’d be and wished I was on try #1, like, “Yeah, whatever, you know, it can take a while so we’ll see what happens.” Instead, I was myopic in the worst way, absolutely consumed with every minute detail, and now I think: yeah. Maybe sometime between now and the end of the year, *yawn*. I transported 3 vials to UCSF: one for October, one for November, one for December. And then we’ll celebrate a year since my big decision in the Grand Canyon and Rio-valuate.

I spent a lovely 24 hours in San Jose over the weekend, but otherwise felt kind of aimless. My acupuncturist recommended not running for a few days and just telling me that is a recipe for going stir crazy. I ended up doing a burly urban walk to the top of Twin Peaks:

Image

I find it intriguing that the photo is off-balance, because I was feeling off-balance. Stressed about work, mad and frustrated about my Good Match being so delayed, wondering when it’s all going to come together and make sense. Being on top of Twin Peaks makes me think a lot about one of my exes. The walk down made me think about another one. I passed my therapists’s house. It sure is a journey.

I got a mani/pedi. A hugely prego woman sat next to me and I vibed with her silently. I sat on the roof and wrote in my journal in the sunshine as the Blue Angels swooped around overhead. I bought veggies and made a delicious stir fry with quinoa.

I listened to Pema, who always says the right thing. This time, it was to remember to cradle your poor anxious self in gentle lovingkindness. I decided to do my tomorrow self the enormous favor of setting out clothes, packing a gym bag, getting the coffee ready and the oatmeal and the vitamins. It was a nice gentle favor and my day was full, ending with another lovely tea with T. Now I need to do myself the favor of going to bed.

I love this time of the month where my views start to skyrocket because you’re all checking for news. It makes me feel very loved and looked after, thank you.

I will end with one last piece of news for which I am profoundly grateful: totally totally totally randomly, gay bf J will be back in town precisely when I will be testing, for the 3rd time in a row!!!!!! This is just cosmic. You couldn’t plan it. None of this turned out the way I expected, but you know what? I’ll take it.

nighty night, peeps xo

biological clock, dating, fertility, IUI, ovulation, parenthood, pregnancy, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

on the eve

thesolomamaproject

It’s that one night a year in San Francisco when I wish I had a fan. The whole city is officially Way Too Hot, and we don’t deal at all well with this. Our tolerable temperature range is anything between 60 and 70 degrees, and that’s about it. On the street outside, people are stumbling around in confusion–it’s simply shocking to not need a sweater. I’m sweating and eating ice cream up in my stuffy apartment, hoping for a breeze through the open window.

Can I just say how grateful I am that my cycle has kicked back in like motherfucking clockwork on Day 15? Smiley-face today. I called Olga, and I go in tomorrow for IUI #5. At 11:15am PST, in case you want to say a little prayer for my good egg.

I had the perfect evening to mark the end of my TTC hiatus, including sushi and beer and catching up with a dear old friend with whom I hadn’t caught up in many months, so I didn’t even know she was having fertility dilemmas of her own. I knew I’d be telling her my story, and my story was that much more relevant since it resonated. Her story made me remember my own long and difficult road to the big decision, what a process it was; whereas now it’s such a solid fact that I could hang my hat on it. I savored her questions and hoped she’d read the blog.

It got me reconnected a little to retell it. Mostly, I’ve felt like “my head’s not in the game.” I had to set my alarm in Outlook to remember not to pee, and again to remember to pee four hours later, on the stick.

It was kind of a rough weekend. The Moroccan chose a weekend in Santa Cruz over our coffee date–touché. I decided to “quickly” sign up on match.com, forgetting the existential process of creating an online dating profile (an hour later, I had a screen name). Also: I discovered that I had forgotten my car in a downtown lot for 4 days ($160), tripped on a curb and fell on the sidewalk in front of an uncaring crowd, and worked alllll day on a Saturday. Wah.

Predictably, when I finally got myself to run from the Beach Chalet up past the Cliff House to Lands End, all the way up that staircase, all the way down the other side to Sea Cliff and all the way back, I felt fine again. Can I please remember from now on that I always always always feel better after a run?

Today is Monday but I’m drunk on two beers and contemplating my remaining hours of peace.before the two week wait. I don’t know how I feel really… still a little disconnected, and I hope that turns out to be a good thing when the crazy train pulls up a week from now. I keep finding myself listing out my trifecta of goals: to be promoted, to find a guy I like, and to get (and stay) pregnant. I’m trying my best in all three categories, and my new mantra is: SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Stopping in the corner store tonight for ice cream, I came upon a dad and his 4-year-old picking out ice cream flavors. The dad was reading them out and the kid bursts out with, “VANILLA!” like it’s absolutely the most exciting flavor ever created. His dad handed him a pint, which he carefully put into the basket of his bicycle with training wheels while his dad went to pick out a bottle of wine. Then, the little boy walked up to the cat sitting on the check-out counter and said to him quietly and meaningfully, “So, how’s your night going?”

My heart swelled as I remembered why I’m doing this.

anxiety, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

midway

thesolomamaproject

Hi all, thank you for all the check-ins. For lots of reasons, including the wedding, the business trip, and emotional processing, I let the “suspended” post stand for days because I am still suspended and that’s the bottom line.

However, lots has happened. I have to keep this brief as I am standing at a work station at Midway International Airport which seems fitting since I am midway between two outcomes without any definitive news.

Many times in the past few days, I have reached a crisis point of figuring it’s all over. It could easily be not viable given the symptoms that are piling up. However, the docs and nurses tell me everything I’ve experienced is in the range of normal. Or it could be a miscarriage. Either one.

(Warning: If you’re a guy friend who recently told me that he reads my blog but feels there’s too much about “the chemistry of the vagina,” the TMI starts here.)

Spotting started on Thursday night, which, in combination with my questionable ultrasound, plunged me into despair. Talked off ledge by R and L at dinner. I pulled it together and went to the wedding, where bathroom visits became panicky as tiny clots started to emerge. Held hands crying in the moonlight for 10 minutes with C and L before going back in to dance the night away. Home on Sunday, low point on Sunday night where the stress of my upcoming 6am flight was too much and I called my family and yelled about how hard and sad and awful this is. Puffy-eyed 6am flight, arrived in Chicago, went to work dinner, more clotting. This is it, right? Called UCSF answering service, got a very reassuring and nice doctor who said clotting is still old blood, same as the spotting…could become a miscarriage, but could be normal. (She also mentioned, “I see from your ultrasound that they saw everything they wanted to see, but the sac measured 5w6d so it was too early to see the fetal pole.” She said the next ultrasound would tell us everything.) Next day, I woke up with cramps. OK, THIS must be it. On the day of my presentation, awesome. Olga called and said cramping can be normal. Took a couple Tylenol. Haggled with the hotel for a late checkout (J told them I was having a medical issue and they nearly called an ambulance). J gave me an awesome pep talk that I wish I had recorded–by the end, I was laughing. Made it through presentation. Bailed on work dinner and made it to my friend K’s house for the night–wonderful. Symptoms slowed to almost nothing.

That’s where we are, folks. I hesitated to write and drag you on the still-bumpy and still-inconclusive road, but I’m getting so many check-ins (thank you!) that posting is easier. I know you want to know, I know it’s suspenseful, and I’m glad you’re there and you care. I am feeling stoic with a large dose of denial so I can get through each day. To answer the obvious question, YES I would love to get an ultrasound but it’s complicated on the road plus given the early measurements from the doc it could STILL be too early. So, we’ll know by Monday at the latest but maybe sooner. I appreciate your good wishes.

acupuncture, anxiety, meditation, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

suspended

thesolomamaproject

Hi guys. It’s been a tough week to find the time to write or even know what to write. I even have to make this post quick, since I have to pack for a wedding and jet off to work.

I’ll start by saying that so far everything is OK so far–I know my last post scared some people who had to speed read to the end. Everything, as far as I know, is OK. I am OK.

After sending a query back to Olga about the vastly different response I got from her vs. the other nurse, she sent this:

Hi Katie,
When I read the note it said intrauterine pregnancy but I overlooked that it said no fetal pole. It is still very early in the pregnancy so we should definitely have more information at your next ultrasound on 8/6. 6 weeks is very early and the pregnancy can definitely develop as time passes. I will keep my fingers crossed for your next ultrasound. By 8/6 they should see a fetal pole and a heartbeat. Keep positive and keep me posted. Thanks! Olga

Olga kills me. I try to have a sense of humor about her, but sending a congrats before reading the full note is not excellent care.

The day after my ultrasound, I found out my tentative business trip to Chicago was confirmed for next week and I would need to fly to Chicago the same day as ultrasound #2, as in go straight to the airport directly from UCSF. I knew that would just be too much stress. I decided to meditate on it at meditation group and also sleep on it. By the morning, I had decided to put off my ultrasound #2 by one more week.

I know it sounds kind of bananas since, of course, I am dying to know. But I want to go back when the result will be conclusive and no sooner–no more messing with my head over the chances of what may or may not be. My new appointment is 8/13 at 8.5 weeks with the nurse practitioner (and not the mean doc, thank goodness). Since I’ll be right across the lake from my parents, I decided to take the 55 min flight from Chicago to Manistee to work from their house on Thursday and Friday and spend the weekend here:

It all came together and I felt so relieved. As a final cherry on top: yesterday, work circumstances determined that J will be flying in from NY on Monday to assist me with the presentation–he might even pick me up from the airport. I’ll be surrounded by love and distraction the whole time.

And, even before that, a big wedding weekend 1.5 hours from SF with great friends–I’m leaving this afternoon for the rehearsal. And before that a lot of work to finish. And packing. These things woke me up at 4am and played on a ticker tape until I figured out the order that everything needs to get done, decided what I won’t have time to do or what will have to be put off until Sunday (too much), and went back to sleep. I’ve been waking up at 4am or 5am regularly. My acupuncturist can feel the stress and light sleep in my pulse. He is so unimpressed with UCSF care and wished I could get the second ultrasound sooner just to get my body off this stress spiral. But…it just isn’t possible (unless I can’t stand it anymore and schedule something in Traverse City, not impossible).

As with trying to telepathically detect signs of pregnancy, I am detecting signs of which direction this is going, and I’m not going to drag you along on that paranoid and bumpy road. The speculation is the unbearable part and gets us nowhere. The jury is truly still out.

My #1 job right now is to reduce stress where possible, be kind to myself, meditate at every single opportunity. try to make all these planning, packing, working steps easy. Decide what to not to do. Everyone encourages me to stay positive and I am really, really trying. It’s the biggest roller coaster yet.

I am a strong and powerful person.

anxiety, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

ultrasound #1

thesolomamaproject

Well, that did not go as expected!

My sweet sister B met me in the waiting room on the 7th floor at UCSF this afternoon. I’d been feeling mild butterflies and a lot of giddy nervous energy going in. Hoping and hoping and hoping they would see whatever they’re supposed to see. Acutely aware that I could be launched into joy or grief with one wave of the transvaginal wand.

B had me choose a random goddess card in the waiting room. I chose Vesta, the goddess of hearth and home, inviting me to make my home a warm, welcoming place including upgrades like “welcoming a new occupant.” We had a good laugh over that one.

In the exam room, B had me breathe and visualize my grounding cord connected to the center of the earth.

The NP came in and her name is Stephanie–the same lady who knocked me up! I thanked her. We got down to business and she immediately saw the gestational sac (YAY!) and the yolk sac (YAY!) and then said she’d come back to that in a minute… Then she probed around my ovaries and fallopian tubes to rule out an ectopic pregnancy or a second embryo (which were indeed ruled out–YAY!) and then she came back to the sac and got quiet and then we entered a timeless vaccuum wherein I was suspended in outer space with nothing to hold on to.

Then she pulled out the wand, notably before she had pointed out an actual baby. She explained that she wasn’t able to see the fetal pole, which she would have expected to see at this stage (6 weeks and 4 days), but sometimes things get calculated wrong due to natural variations so I should come back in a week. Given that there is no question about when I conceived, there is less room for variation, but she suggested “guarded hope” since she’s seen this go either way. She said, “I’m sorry, I wish I had more definitive news.”

I made an appt for one week from today (unfortunately with Dr. Fujimoto, who is famous for making people cry!) and walked outside with my sister. I was in shock. I was poised for definitive news! And this was pretty inconclusive and dire sounding. In the car, I started spiraling. My sister was awesome. She had me put one hand on my heart and one on my belly and ask myself, “What is the gift in this moment?” So many…. my heart said, “I am alive. I am feeling so many emotions. I am mindful of the jackhammer down the block and the bird chirping in the tree above my parked car.” Then it said, “And the baby is OK.”

I texted Dr. Beans, whose response was, “Don’t worry. Sounds normal for 6 weeks. We usually don’t ultrasound until 8 weeks for that reason.” HUGE relief, because Beans delivers babies and would be straight with me. I got home and consulted Dr. Google. Many, many examples of women in this exact situation. Some turn out viable, some do not, but it’s a sketchy week for seeing fetal poles. (From Wikipedia: “The fetal pole is a thickening on the margin of the yolk sac of a fetus during pregnancy. It is usually identified at 6.5 weeks with abdominal ultrasound imaging, and 6 weeks with vaginal ultrasound imaging. However it is quite normal for the fetal pole to not be visible until about 9 weeks.“)

I called my Mom and Dad and held it together for the first few minutes but when I eventually burst into tears they were like OH NO YOU DON’T! Have you read your own blog? You need to stay POSITIVE! They were tough love with zero tolerance on worrying–they made me laugh. I had a great call with also-prego L who also underscored positivity and faith. Then I got this email from Olga:

Hi Katie,
Sorry I am replying to this email so late. I see that you made it to your ultrasound appointment and it is a viable pregnancy! That is fantastic news! Congratulations I am so happy for you. Please continue to keep me posted! Olga
As usual, Olga comes in from left field. Then gay bf J texted to check in, I sent him the news about the sacs and he texted back, “Wonderful! He/she has a house now!”

Deeeep breath. I feel like I’ve experienced all of the following this afternoon (in this order): cautious optimism, empty shock, stoic resignation, waves of sadness and fear, a moment of despair, levity, relief, laughter, balancing on a tightrope, back to normal, anger at technology, fatigue, and now beating myself up for not staying more grounded.

So, for all that, Olga says it’s a viable pregnancy. So that’s worth celebrating!

I celebrated by going out for a $160 money order and passport photos for my tourist visa appointment at the Brazilian consulate tomorrow morning. I also stopped at Jamba Juice for a fancy mango smoothie and Safeway for a fancy piece of wild salmon. I feel fine. Nothing is wrong. B pointed out that if the lentil is due to triple in size this week, then a few days clearly makes a huge difference.

Please send lentil love!
anxiety, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

fresh air

thesolomamaproject

A couple of days ago, I read a post on the SMC site that has helped me shift into a more positive and less fearful experience of early pregnancy. Someone posted the question: how do you deal with the anxiety at this stage? There were many helpful responses, and here’s the one that stated exactly what I needed to hear:

“I had two losses before conceiving my daughter. The first was a very early chemical pregnancy, and mostly reassured me that I could get pregnant. The second was very difficult for me. When I started trying again I was afraid to get a BFP because I was afraid it would all end again, a feeling heightened by a well meaning, but poorly stated comment by a friend who said it was like my body was just working it’s way up to a full-term pregnancy, and each one would get further along. Any who, when I finally got that BFP, I had several people who were worried for me, and at that point I decided to let them keep worrying, and I was going to enjoy being pregnant for as long as it lasted, hoping of course it would be 40 weeks. That really freed me up to just dream about my baby, and now my standard advice is just assume that all is going to be fine, and enjoy your pregnancy & baby dreams, you will never get this time back and you don’t want to worry it away. If the worst should come, you can deal with it then, but there is no sense worrying about what most likely won’t happen, just dream the dreams you have for your sweet little baby.”

Assume that all is going to be fine! What a beautiful sentiment! I experienced this as a breath of fresh air! This woman is now a mom of 2 and considering a third. Inspiring.

While my anxiety has (thankfully) been minimal in the past few weeks, it does have the capacity to take me down the path of worst-case scenarios that begin with a right ovary twinge. Now I suddenly feel free to simply note how I’m feeling, keep myself adequately informed on what actually entails an emergency, and otherwise keep calm and carry on. And ENJOY it. Smile when I take my prenatal vitamin and fish oil pill, and again later when I get the fish burp. Marvel at my first-ever mid-afternoon nap in the “Comfort Room” at the office. Revel in the now-handful of friends who are pregnant right along with me (or are on the verge!!). Laugh about the hilariousness of inspecting your boob size/soreness more than once a day. Imagine the tiny little love in there, growing, thriving… It’s the road less traveled: assume the best-case scenario.

So, that is kind of blowing my mind as it extends to life in general and helps me have a happier outlook on pretty much everything. Also blowing my mind is a book called Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin, loaned to me by dear friend MM. Ina May is a world-renowned expert midwife who got her start on a commune in Tennessee. The book includes 200 pages of home birth stories. I am taking a break from reading to write this post–it’s totally engrossing, if a little dated in its 70s terminology, describing many experiences as “heavy,” “psychedelic,” and “far out.” Has anyone else read it? Powerful, beautiful, moving stories. Our bodies know how to do this.

After this book, EJ and I will trade and I’ll read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Believe it or not, before long I’ll need to line up a midwife and figure out at least theoretically what type of context (home, birthing center, hospital) I would want to give birth in. PS there isn’t even one birthing center in San Francisco, which had initially seemed like the perfect middle-ground solution. I’m hearing good things about hospitals here (set up like birthing centers), but Ina May is luring me home.

Yes, you’re right, just because I’m assuming the best doesn’t mean I have to figure it all out tonight, or anytime soon. Especially as my eyes feel like bowling balls in my head. I’m gearing up for my birthday weekend–I’ll be entering the last year of my 30s this Saturday! Then, on Monday, I will go to the ultrasound with my dear sister B to see a bunch of lights on a screen that will hopefully signify my next generation.

anxiety, dating, pregnancy, running, single mom by choice, SMC

le week-end

thesolomamaproject

Good morning! Since I am going to bed earlier all the time (lights out at 9:30 last night), the morning is becoming my sharpest time of day–might as well slip in a blog post.

Last week was intense. (not “in tents,” Dad–he will make a Dad joke and ask if I went camping). Between the two blood tests and the 4 days of work visitors and meetings, it was a lot happening simultaneously. I’m happy to say I weathered it–blood test results were great, meetings went well, and I got my tired ass to bed early each night. By Friday, I was toast and worked from home.

The weekend was lovely! Went out with dear S to an art opening, African music/art, and dinner on Friday. At dinner, I started feeling a mild pain on the right side. Nothing big, it just started talking to me. I soon identified it as my right ovary. What would be the job of my ovary at this point? Hard to say, but it started worrying me… I went home and read on the SMC forum that someone had just miscarried at 6 weeks. In the morning the pain was still there. The anxiety can kick up fast.

I drove up north to practice wedding music with MM, and fortunately the sensation tapered off throughout the day and hasn’t returned. So, great. Maybe my ovary just had one or two quick things to say. If it comes back, I promise to call the doc, Beans.

On Sunday morning, I went with L (also preg) on our usual run in the Oakland Hills! As soon as we took our first few running steps, we both grabbed our boobs and went “oooowwww.” A glorious blue-sky day, we talked nonstop about pregnancy topics for probably a total of 3.5 hours between the way there, the run (2h20mins included walking), and pizza afterward. Dr. Tran says to keep up the normal workout, so we did (with a few modifications). We’re both in great shape–would be awesome to keep up this weekend run as long as we both feel good. I feel so blessed that L is on my schedule!

After that, I had a late lunch date. Dating while pregnant! Still in the game! Don’t get excited though–lately the guys I meet online seem like they’re from another planet. I will be the first to admit that this is largely due to recent changes in my own perspective and less to do with them and their (seriously countless) quirks. While this guy was going on and on about himself for the first half of the lunch, I was more interested in this angelic two-year-old redhead with almond-shaped blue eyes at the next table over, and a 6-month-old at the table beyond that one. I’ll admit that I started playing the “let’s see how long I can keep him talking about himself before he notices he knows nothing about me” game, and was mildly disappointed when he finally did notice and started asking about me. After we split the bill, we ended up strolling a bit (my idea), which was better since I didn’t have to watch his distracting facial tics like flashing his lower teeth in the middle of a sentence–I kept thinking he must have braces or food caught in the sides of his mouth. At the end he said, “I’m leaving town on Wed for two weeks, so I’ll give you a call you when I get back!” Not a terrible guy, but…see ya never.

Maybe I am just not in the mindset for dating?!

I went home and shifted gears from Sex and the City to newly prego lady. I took a nap. Then my sister came over and did hands-on reiki on me which was very relaxing. In bed at 9.

I am 5 weeks 4 days today. Did you know that in the 6th week, the baby triples in size? That’s in tents.

Enjoying every minute!