Category: two week wait

We’ve clicked over to a new cycle, folks. I returned home tonight to be greeted by AF, in all her blazing, scarlet glory.

Amazing how much it felt like getting dumped, only (thankfully) by a guy I hadn’t been seeing for that long. Like around… 2 weeks. But I wasn’t that into him, anyway. Not yet.

So then what? Well, I pulled out a tampon and pantiliner and a beer. And ate two big slices of pizza. And wrote this.

Earlier today, I got really panicky leaving LA after spending an exhilarated weekend thinking, “I probably am.” Because, at the same time, I always thought that AF would be the harbinger of negative news but it really threw me when she didn’t show. (Each bathroom visit where she didn’t show seemed to reinforce that she never would.) Leaving my busy work weekend, I couldn’t figure out when to take a test, what test to take, when is it 99% accurate, how can I do this PERFECTLY so that the result is the one I want? I started to feel like such a big farce, fanning the flames of expectation with all my friends and family when I really couldn’t possibly know yet. I called my parents, flustered, and they sounded worried about what the weight of disappointment could do to me. When I landed in SF, I drove straight to the office at 8pm on a Sunday to do 3+ hours of work. Get the work monkey off my back, anyway.

Let’s be real–this was my very first try. My doctor said, let’s expect it to take 6 months. (And he’s not going to count the IUI at Pac Repro.) I’ve learned a LOT. My friend MM texted me tonight how much she’s enjoying my blog, and how it feels nice to be partnering with me in my journey, as a community. SO nice to hear that–can I tell you how much that means to me??? It’s scary sometimes to put all this out there publicly. And yet, I already can’t imagine doing this without you, dear readers and friends.

As predicted, I am glad to have planned ahead with UCSF, so this month is indeed a new month. Maybe this time I won’t drag you along on quite the detailed play-by-play; or maybe I will. Who knows? I feel a little sheepish but also like finally I can let it all hang out instead of being paralyzed by hope.

Next time it’ll be old hat, we’ll be like, oh–has it been a month already?

I’m grateful that I don’t feel like crying. Or giving up.

The game is still on. I’m a little beside myself at this point, wondering, wondering, wondering. What is going on in there? Nothing has happened yet. That’s all, nothing yet, no AF and I haven’t done a test, and this would be one of my longer cycles, and tomorrow would be my longest. So… I should have news tomorrow because I learned yesterday that at 13dpo (days past ovulation), the test will be 99% accurate. Who’s coming over??

Fortunately, I had scheduled a work trip for this weekend, which is an awesome distraction but I just got alone in my hotel room for the first time and feel all shaky and also tired due to my early flight. I am tempted not to post this because I don’t want you to be disappointed, or me to be disappointed, but I’m feeling a tiny bit hopeful. And glad that I have UCSF plans rolling, rolling, in the meantime, so not even AF will slow me down.

Dinner at 7 which means 3 good hours of work now, and I shouldn’t squander it blogging because I need to get the work stress off my back. The point of my trip is to see the kickoff of a huge video project–today was the rehearsal and tomorrow will be the first day of shooting. The actors are all adorable and in their 20s and I want to eat them up. I’m looking at them like I’m their mom. I’m looking at everyone like I’m their mom, actually. I got a nice smile from a cutie on the walk over here just now, and catcalled from a moving car, so maybe my mojo is flowing, or maybe I have more appeal in LA?

I get to be an extra in the background of a café scene tomorrow, so I know I’ll be occupied tomorrow. I almost didn’t make this trip, and I’m SO glad I did.

Thanks for coming with me along for this ride. I realize too, that the positive test is not the finish line by any means. It would mean that I cleared an important hurdle, and then the initial weeks can be tenuous. So let’s proceed with caution and keep going about our biz. K?