dating, meditation, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

and the winner is…

I wasn’t so sure how my performance review was going to go today, given that I’ve had this very all-consuming solo mama project rolling alongside my formidable work responsibilities since the beginning of this year. It went quite well, actually, better than expected. I didn’t have to say I’m “going through some personal issues,” in order to keep the train on the tracks. I had the line ready (or even: “I’m going through some health issues,” if it was really bad), but I didn’t need it. It was a much more positive review overall than I expected, which is great since my manager will be one of my travel companions in Brazil. So now the trip doesn’t have to be horribly awkward with me giving her the evil eye over our caipirinhas. And we’ve agreed not to breathe a word about work while we’re down there = an awesome idea that will preserve the integrity of our vaca and friendship.

Considering the effort I’ve had to put in to keeping everything rolling without overly puffy eyes or sneaky non-drinking or coming in late or leaving early or making everyone wonder if I have a terminal illness because of so many doctor’s appointments…I’m going to have to file this one under Enormous Victory.

“How are you doing?” say my friends. Each time, I take a deep breath and pause. The answer is always different–depending on the moment and who I’m talking to.

To you, right now, I say, “Better.” It’s variable but there’s an overall healing trend, no doubt about it. I’m fine and then I sit down at a dharma talk and get a glimpse of the teacher’s face and there are tears streaming, streaming, streaming. And I sit. And when I try to open my eyes 45 minutes later, my eyelashes are glued together with tears. And when the teacher asks for examples of kindness, a woman tells a story of a friend whose neighbor lost her baby. The grieving mother was in seclusion. This woman’s friend wanted to do something for her, so she went around the neighborhood and took photos, on her knees, from the perspective of a stroller. Then she made a book of the photos of the baby’s perspective during his short life. Everyone in the room had tears streaming then.

And I came out feeling better from letting the emotions and thoughts and tears flow.

Later that night I had my first phone call with the paramedic. He really makes me laugh. It also turns out that he doesn’t take just regular old 911 calls but works “the baby car,” meaning he helps newborns, infants, and toddlers. (*sob*) We planned out the first couple months of our relationship already, which certainly breaks every rule and probably dooms our prospects. But I will still show up for dinner on Saturday.

And now I’m going to have cocktails to celebrate today’s City Hall wedding of dear friend B and his new wife, M!!! Love and blessings to these two. I am excited to see some of my oldest and best friends at the celebration.

Finally, the results of the shoe search. Thanks to everyone who sent links to gorgeous and fabulous shoes!!! How much fun was that! We’re totally doing this again.

J won with silver in the end. He said, “You don’t want to be the gringa in the pink shoes.” It was important to him that my outfit looked planned and matching, and I take his advice very seriously. Basically, he is never wrong when it comes to fashion. These lovelies will show up tomorrow. Cheers!

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