fertility, IUI, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

beta #2

Bad news. The number went down to 45. Another chemical pregnancy. F-ing unbelievable.

I’m angry. Angry to be jerked around, to be given false hope, to get everyone rallying around me again and again, all for nothing. A lot of screwing around for absolutely nothing.

All the beautiful symbolism of New Year’s and the sunrise and renewed faith and getting on the bandwagon with good friends already expecting–out the window. It was so nice while it lasted.

And I’m finding this out on day one of a five day meeting so I can’t fall apart. I’m actually not crying because I am so incredibly mad.

I think I’ll leave it there. I’m supposed to re-test next week to make sure the number goes all the way down before trying again, which I’m sure I will do, like an addicted gambler running up debts. But is this really in the cards for me? How much more can I take?

Meanwhile, I’ll be throwing myself into work and trying to forget the whole thing for a while.

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21 thoughts on “beta #2”

  1. :-(. So so so sorry. There aren’t any other words.
    But I will retain faith that this will happen for you. Maybe not the way you thought. Maybe via IVF (which will likely solve the issue) rather than IUI, but it will. It’s in the cards. Wish it was in the cards now. But soon–I hope.

  2. I am hoping you receive a package before the 6th, if you do not, please do me a favor and get a good pic of your little hummingbird, I know that you will. When you get the package you will know why. I love you!

    1. I am so puzzled and intrigued by your message. The day you wrote this, I was wearing a tiny hummingbird pin, a xmas gift that belonged to my grandmother long ago. But you couldn’t know that. Are you speaking in metaphors? Tell me what this means! Thanks xo

  3. Don’t lose hope. It took 12 IUI’s for me to get a bfp that stuck. I am due on 3/1/13. IUI’s 1-8 were all BFN. #9 was a chemical. 10-11 were BFN. It was lucky #12 for me. I took breaks when I needed to. Most cycles were unmedicated. The successful cycle was interesting. I took one dose of estinyl estradiol on cd# 5 and the supplemented with progesterone 400 mg supp. 2x daily after the IUI. In addition, I took ubiquinone, resveratrol, carnitine, and 2000 IU of vitamin D daily. I also did 1x weekly acupuncture and I prayed too. You will be a mom. xo

  4. So sorry to read this. I know what a head wreck/kick in the teeth a chemical pregnancy is. But (always trying to look for an upside…) it was only the first medicated cycle, so, after you’ve dusted yourself off and kicked a few walls, please don’t lose hope. Thinking of you.

  5. Such crazy news. I read Dee’s message up there with interest. When people keep at it, something always seems to happen, I just wish it wasn’t so hard. My friend in Austin (ttc for 6 years) is due a the end of the month with IVF and a borrowed egg. All kinds of paths. Blog more when you are ready and not too busy. We’re all waiting 😉

    Love,

    Wig

  6. I’m so sorry!! Like others have said, I have faith that you will be a mom…and an incredible one at that!! I’m sorry for the difficulty of the process. Wishing you lots of love and perseverance in keeping your hope and heart in the game for as long as it takes. xoxo

  7. Friend, I am so very sorry, and I know how woefully inadequate those words are. I’m sending light and love and hoping you find peace in the midst of the pain and grief – when you are ready.

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