I landed in SF last night and got into a cab driven by a surly Russian driver. The sun was setting over the city, casting a rosy glow. I experienced my first undistracted moments in over a week, and the tears came. Looking out across the bay, remembering how hopeful I was on departure. Feeling overwhelmed by the upcoming anniversary of my trying. Feeling overwhelmingly stuck in my current life circumstances. Just plain sad–the sad caught up with me (which, as I’m sure you know, it does each and every time you postpone it).
I believe that my grounded sense of peace of the last few weeks is still there, and that I am fundamentally OK, but my circumstances are getting seriously challenging. I’m still in some denial about the overall number of tries as I just keep plowing through them, ticking off days on the calendar and fiercely looking forward. The truth is, I have to be ready for this not to work out. I’ve started contemplating that possibility for the first time ever. One cannot do unlimited Clomid cycles and one also cannot afford unlimited IVF.
After a good night of sleep, I woke up feeling about the same. I knew I had to pull out every tool in my therapy toolbox. I checked everything off today: reading in bed, meditation, spa with my sister, sunny lunch, bought a new book by Pema Chodron, napped on the couch in the sun, went running at Lands End, bought groceries at Trader Joe’s, made myself a healthy dinner. Now I’m writing. I do feel a little better.
As with all the other disappointments, it really triggers the dating one. I feel so lost on this subject and realized this morning that I’m having a hard time even visualizing a great guy coming into my life. He’s done a really consistent job recently of not doing so, which is therefore much easier to imagine. Eckhard Tolle would say this is a problem. So, I’ll work on it. I am filtering for the negative right now, panning for sand and letting the gold through. I know I’m doing it. It’s chemical, it’s automatic. Eventually, I recognize the mental traps for what they are (negative thoughts), and move on, but it’s going to take a little time.
I’m letting you in on the dark side here, folks. I know I sometimes shield it from the blog because on some level I know that feeling sorry for myself is ludicrous, and boring, and will make me sink faster than quicksand. But it would be wrong to say I have a sunshiny outlook at this exact moment. I am trying like hell to get back to gratitude. Grateful just to be alive, to have the opportunity to experience exactly this.
If I had a zen master teacher, he or she would say at this point, “Now, things can get interesting.” I know it’s an opportunity. I know the journey is the point. I know the book will be more interesting if there’s an epic struggle.
So, what’s the big picture? Well, of course, I’m on Clomid, which makes some people crazy, so that is likely contributing to my shade of blue. One more night of that and it’s back to growing the follicles as big as possible, for which I simply try to rest and de-stress. My ultrasound is Friday. I can’t believe this is my last IUI.
In the meantime, I am taking to heart your outpouring of love and assurances and faith. Don’t stop believing.
7 thoughts on “blue”
Imagine if you didn’t feel blue! You’d be beyond human.
Lots of loving during all the shades of blue,
Uncertainty is really the worst enemy. That fine line between hope and despair… so tentative, so painful. But there are countless stories like yours that turn into happy endings when it does work. You are strong, grounded, gifted and keep and keep the faith! We are following your journey and are sending positive karma your way.
I know these negative thought spirals. For me, mindfulness, acknowledging them with kindness and moving on can help sometimes. You’re incredibly strong, having done eight of these. Remember that and go easy on yourself. When you get there all of this will be forgotten – just like the pain of childbirth 😉
I know it might not be your thing but I recommend seeing Ruby Holiday. I believe everyone has a time that is defined for them for children, marriage, a new job, travel. Things aren’t random, they happen when they are meant to happen. She can tell you (mathematically I might add) when that time is for you or if it is for you. She was right twice with me (within 1 month of each child’s birthday) and right with so many others. And even if she is wrong, it might give you some time to relax because maybe this month or next month is not the time to conceive but nine months from now it is. You can try within those months in hopes of better success. And if anything, it might be inspiring to hear someone tell you so much about you that you know but others don’t. It makes you realize, you are part of a much bigger design.
I’m glad you’re feeling. You’re entitled to feel–whatever that is you feel, and to write about it. As I told myself in my darkest moments on this TTC journey (and you know I had dark, dark moments), “the only way TO is THROUGH….” You’re doing a good job of this. Keep it up and the sun will shine again. Promise.
This post is heartbreakingly real and honest. I am glad that you are allowing yourself to feel the true depth of your sadness and my heart hurts along with you for all of the pitfalls along the way. You have been and continue to be a source of strength and inspiration to so many people. But we all need the mental break of constantly putting on our happy face. More power to you for putting it all out there. I still remain hopeful and optimistic for your journey!
Dark or Light side, regardless, your journey has been an inspiration for me. A reminder to work on staying centered and present.