the process

Has it really been 6 days since I last posted? It flew. I had one last 24-hr work trip and that wraps up my air travel in the foreseeable future. Can I even explain how much I love love love to be home? Every time my plane lands at SFO, my heart just swells even more with love and pride for my city. I am home. What a blessing.

I really don’t have a huge update tonight. Since returning from my last trip on Monday, I feel like things have calmed down a lot–my evenings are wide open. I come home, I relax. I watch West Wing episodes. I don’t put away my clean laundry in a pile on the loveseat. I’m waking up and putting my hands in prayer on my forehead and reminding myself to be grateful. As soon as I got to acupuncture tonight, I said thank you. I’m pretty sure I said thank you for my burrito as well before taking a bite, as I listened to Supreme Court comedy online (I say comedy because it practically had a laugh track.)

I am on my 3rd night of injecting Lupron, no bigs. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, but it’s quick. This part is designed to quiet down my ovaries, to give them a good rest and create a perfectly blank canvas on which to paint a bazillion new follicles in the next cycle. I don’t know what the side effects are of Lupron (which I think is a good thing) but I think they will be minimal while my ovaries go on a silent retreat.

This regimen will continue until Saturday when I stop taking the birth control pills, continue Lupron, and go for the baseline ultrasound next week. That’s the blank canvas appointment (hopefully). This week is so much calmer than last week without daily appointments and giant decisions. This part feels easy.

I feel kind of robotic too, less emotional. Following directions. My friend who was on the same exact pregnancy timeline as me before I miscarried just had her baby. I thought it would or could hit me hard…but it didn’t. I just feel like it wasn’t my time, my time is still ahead. I’m happy for them, excited to meet the baby. You never know how you’re going to feel.

I have 110% turned off my love life, online profiles deleted. It feels almost unnatural since I have never entirely closed that door, but my therapist and I came up with a good term for this: my dating life is “dormant.” It’s obviously a good time to shut it down. There is a peace in it, but also an invisibleness. Hey, cute guy next to me at the salsa bar putting salsa in tiny cups with giant ladles, can you even see me right now?.

I passed on older couple on the street tonight. My first thought: it would be so cool to have a long relationship and then be elderly and hip enough to stay in the city into retirement. Then I passed them and I heard her say with a tone of exasperation, “Yes. Now if you’d just let me finish…”

Sigh! That’s my alarm going off reminding me to inject and go to bed.

good night




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