anxiety, dating, fertility, IVF, pregnancy, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc


Over this weekend, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to how I want to spend the next five weeks before my transfer. I’ve been kind of back and forth on this. At first, as I wrote in my last post, I thought–wow, this is a long period of being “off the clock,” an opportunity to run, travel, date, drink, all the things I’ve been more or less avoiding to focus my energy on being healthy, rested, and positive.

After that post, new mom A recommended starting to live as though I’m pregnant now (which frankly sounded boring although I heard an echo of wisdom in it). Then my dad suggested that maybe running a race could leave my body depleted of energy just when I need it to be ready to perform a major feat. Uh, good point. Another friend C raised a virtual eyebrow today when I mentioned maybe putting my online dating profile back up, you know, as a fun distraction.

There were two baby showers this weekend, so I spent both afternoons with my SMC friends. After knowing them for over a year, I love each of them individually and would be friends with all of them outside of having this big thing in common. And having this big thing in common is so powerful and bonding. As I talked through the above considerations, more eyebrows raised, including eventually my own, and I started really thinking about what my goals are for this window of time.

It turns out that giving myself a holiday, easing the reigns and letting go of limits, is really not aligned with my bigger goal here. The few drinks I’ve had in the past week have made me feel foggy and exacerbated my allergies. None of the races I looked at are lined up on weekends that work and the distances made me anxious given how little time I’d have to train. I’ve stayed up past midnight the past two nights and still woke up early. And Dr. Hawaii threw me for a loop this weekend.

It should have been no big deal, let’s meet up for a drink. Still, a pleasant prospect of seeing him again, maybe despite all the poor communication he’d turn out to be great in person again, right? Well, after not hearing from him all weekend he texted me tonight, already back in Hawaii after “a whirlwind trip,” with no acknowledgement that he’d left me hanging on tentative plans (which, of course, were his idea). He concluded by asking whether I have any plans to come to Hawaii. Wow.

We are obviously from different planets. I didn’t expect much from him, and he delivered even less. He doesn’t matter–truly–and I am not heartbroken. I just feel the reminder that opening up means you can get slammed back down, and does it really make sense to take the risk at this critical time? Not that lovely moments can’t pop up at the most random times, and not that I don’t crave companionship, but am I really in a position to go seeking it? Shouldn’t my precious positive energy be directed at the basics that keep me afloat: physical, mental, and spiritual health?

I sense now that there is no spring break from this process and embryo #1 is counting on me to enter into my transfer as ready as I can be, with reduced clutter, minimal interference, a fine-tuned landing pad. Sound body and mind. Inner calm. Focus. Now I’ll develop my five-week curriculum around that.

I suppose it makes sense that when I realized that what looked like a longer-than-usual ‘hiatus,’ I would try to get ‘back to ‘normal.’ I think what I’m realizing now is that it’s not a hiatus, it’s actually a runway.

And this is the new normal.


8 thoughts on “runway”

  1. I LOVE your blog, look forward to it, and feel centered (Is that the word?) after reading it. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful self.

  2. Part of the fun of “project runway” is that you really get to treat yourself, too: to extra rest, relaxation, physically therapeutic treats, the healthy food you crave, clear and careful decisions (lovingly lotioning your skin and avoiding crinkly-packaged snacks ;)). I just babysat last night a little chunky 3 mo. old sweetheart girl that was the product of project runway (and IVF, after a long haul). I also remember reading about “candlelight and pacifiers” as she blogged her self-care bonanza back in the day, leading up to conception. Anyway, have FUN and savor getting ready. It sounds like a real treat creating a womb sanctuary.



  3. This was such a beautifully written piece. I love how you described what you thought you wanted to to, pulling back, thinking, realizing probably what you actually should do. As for Dr. Hawaii (not sure who that is), he’s a JERK. Rude of him to make tentative plans and then not even get in touch with you before he was already home. Keep writing!

  4. You are a beautiful soul. You don’t need a companion to be whole. You should use this time to be whole with yourself so that your new baby will feel whole with you. Finding a mate during this sounds conflicting and sidetracking and I could imagine would just make you feel less whole when you don’t need that other person. You are a strong woman and you don’t need a man.

    Slow your life down so that you can learn to make time for your new being. I can barely get anything done because I make my son priority. It would be easy to feel resentful that I can barely get time in for exercise or a social hour. How slow and inefficient your life will become will be a pretty big shocker if you don’t start slowing down early and becoming okay with it.

  5. I’ve always maintained that the waiting is the hardest. No matter how present, how focused, the waiting creeps in minute by minute, day by day. I hope this period flies by and you are PUPO, ASAP!

  6. I love the advice that you received in this post and your wisdom in receiving it. When S was 10 months old I went away for my first mama’s weekend away and I partied like I had before becoming a mother. Afterwards, I felt like crap- not just in my body, but in my heart and soul. I was no longer the woman whom I had been before becoming a mother and I had ignored the one immutable truth- that what’s good for me is what’s good for my child. In so many ways, you already embody the fundamental essence of motherhood, with your selfless devotion and unwavering dedication to this little being. You are already a mama in body, mind and spirit- it’s just up to the body to get on board with the rest of you. xx

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