anxiety, fertility, IVF, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

surrender

The sky looks a shade darker than in the banner of my website and there’s a 3/4 moon out the window above my dining room table. It’s already 9–I was so excited for a luxurious evening at home and the time flew by. I’m making pasta and whipping off a blog post because I don’t mean to leave my dear readers hanging.

And yet, we all know there is nothing concrete to report until the blood test. I could list you all the symptoms–but couldn’t it be the hormones? stress? the inevitable result of intense scrutiny of every bodily sensation?

Pasta w/ pesto is now steaming to my right. I’ve decided not to POAS (pee on a stick) this time. I know, it’s radical. It’s even a little ludicrous when Tuesday is essentially 19dpo and 13dp5dt. Anyway, however you do the math, I am going fully conservative on this one, and it still won’t change the outcome. I will not add to the roller coaster by creating a gap between POAS and beta. I will be as kind to myself as possible  by waiting and following the UCSF rules, which include an admonishment not to do a home test due to false negatives.

On Sunday, I went to the hypno-restorative yoga class and while we were in one of the poses, we went down an internal staircase and took a short path to a place in our minds that we associate with joy. And there were our spirit animals, and what was mine? A unicorn. I questioned it–really, a unicorn? Not a white horse or a zebra? Nope, it was definitely a unicorn. It had big soulful brown eyes through which it communicated with me. It asked me to stop comparing myself to others and reassured me that I have done every single thing I could do and now it’s time to let go.

Nevertheless, on Monday, I went a little crazy googling “6dp5dt” and reading other women’s fertility blogs. I also learned of two women who transferred the same day I did and had already POAS and are pregnant. And I was obsessively reading the SMC national board. I found that, while it can be so reassuring to see that someone who felt exactly the same as you on the same day of the process ended up with a perfect baby, it can be equally troubling to read of other people’s heartbreak. So I finally listened to the unicorn and swore off anything related to fertility on the internet.

Since Tuesday, I have felt calm. I think my busy mind ran through all the mathematical possibilities and exhausted itself. I have finally thrown the reigns over to the universe. I’m enjoying this part, this blissful ignorance where I can choose my reality. Soon enough, my path will emerge again from obscurity in the brightening moonlight.

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6 thoughts on “surrender”

  1. I recently went through the waiting game and I literally reached the point of obsession. I associated every single sensation in my body with pregnancy and visited what felt like a thousand fertility websites. If I had been pregnant it would have been my second (and last) child. I wanted it so badly. I’m grateful for my one …. but I also know time is of the essence and with no significant other in my life it makes it nearly impossible to grow my family. I too threw it to the reigns over to the universe and I’m still trying every day to make my peace.

  2. Inspirational words! I’m trying to do the same but am only managing brief moments of surrender in my otherwise over-analytical days. Even in my “it’s up to you, Universe” moments, a little voice in my head is asking if I’m just doing that to score brownie points with the Universe to try and convince it to give me a positive test next week!!

    Good luck – I hope the Universe has a little bubby in its plans for you 🙂

  3. I really admire your outlook. It’s so easy to get caught up in it all. This round I’ve sworn off the obsessive testing and reading. I will not test until I’m verifiably late. Tired of the heartache. I’d rather let the universe tell me I’m pregnant than throw away a small fortune in pregnancy tests. 😉

  4. I have definitely been down that rabbit-hole of obsessive Googling. It’s incredibly hard to not be able to look up the answer you really want, which is “am I pregnant this time?”, and therefore incredibly tempting to try to look for signs either way.
    Thinking of you as you sit in this wait. And hoping for good news at the end of it!

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