not this time

For reasons I didn’t share earlier, I ended up doing the blood test today instead of tomorrow, and Olga called this afternoon to say it was negative.

I did absolutely everything right, the best I could do, spared no expense. It just didn’t work. Much like lots of life’s bad news, there is no reason.

I entered that surreal mode where I realized I was actually having the dreaded conversation (again) with Olga and not dreaming it. I hung up and sat very still for a long time, doing all the mental math to catch up with the verdict. I put my head down. I looked out the window at the unseasonal June rain. Then I called my family, one by one.

It feels unfair in the sense that I deserve this after trying so hard for so long. But I know that’s not how life works. Life can be random and sometimes the worst things happen to the nicest people.

This is hard, but not even close to one of the worst things.

Last February, after the second-to-last IUI failed, my friend A gave me a charm representing “Unexpected Miracles.” I hung it on my purse. At the time, we laughed about how a baby wouldn’t exactly be unexpected.

What didn’t occur to me then but occurs to me now is that while we still haven’t gotten a baby out of this, SO MANY unexpected miracles have taken place in my life: the uber focus on wellness, the million forms of therapy, the getting stronger through adversity, the writing, and, especially, the friendships. I feel grounded.

I’m not going to be a martyr here and say I’m not disappointed, as tears balance on the edge of my eyelids. But I’m not falling apart. I reserve the right to fall apart later, but my impulse is to just keep going. I’m glad to be out of the wait.

I’ll meet with Dr. Tran on July 3 to discuss my protocol for transfer of embie #2 later in the summer. On the SMC board, they recently changed BFN (big fat negative) to NTT (not this time). I’m lucky there’s a next time. Four of them.

Meanwhile, long (long!) runs in the woods, two weeks on the lake with my family, and, in two hours, at least one margarita.

I love you guys so much. I wanted to tell you before you start sending well wishes about tomorrow. Which I know you would have, and for which I am already grateful.

Thank you for all the support. I’m gonna need some more. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo