meditation, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

9 weeks

It’s 7:52pm and I’m sleepy but I have a sweet potato in the oven and a little time before lights out. It’s been hard to make time to write with all this sleepiness, and also with fears of this turning into just another pregnancy blog, but watch me push past the fatigue and insecurity to bring you this message.

It was a luxurious weekend–I got a mani/pedi and the cleaning lady came, I went to check out a new farmer’s market in my hood with neighbor L and it’s like the perfect farmer’s market you have always dreamed of–two blocks of California peaches, tomatoes, greens, berries, cheese, bread, olives, eggs, honey. The air was warm with golden morning sunlight and I ate an almond croissant on the spot which will be my new favorite Sunday morning tradition.

I read a LOT about pregnancy and birth over the weekend and did some research on midwives–the same names are starting to surface in the recommendations so I will hopefully interview a few of them in the next week or so. I’m also re-reading The Age of Innocence which could be an apt title for this phase of my life pre-single-motherhood. (Next up: Orange is the New Black.)

I also slept a LOT. Two words: naps and snacks.

I went to an SMC friend’s baby shower today. I couldn’t find anything to wear, honestly nothing felt or looked right. In desperation, I pulled out the maternity bag brought by my friend M and found the perfect dress. A criss-cross top with empire drawstring waist–and cute! This is not to say that my body has actually changed yet–I probably have months to go before showing. But it’s also true that nothing was as comfy as this dress and that probably speaks to all the eating I’ve been doing. Relief. (Thanks, M!)

It still feels a virtual sometimes. I know I’m sleepy and hungry and my boobs are sore and I saw the heartbeat last Wednesday and by all definitions I am pregnant. Yet, hanging around moms-to-be with big bellies and moms with babies makes it oddly less real rather than more–there’s nothing to look at yet. It’s more of an idea. It’s something I tell rather than show.

I would love to connect more with this being who is by all accounts growing one millimeter a day deep inside my belly–primary evidence being my deficit of energy and calories. As with so many life questions, I believe the answer here is meditation. So, let there be 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes at night. One of the books says, “make time to connect with your baby.” I will report back.

Last night was a huge milestone: my last injection! And my last estrogen patch. So from now until 10/19, the end of the first trimester, I am on progesterone suppositories and that. is. it. No more daily injections after literally hundreds over the past 6 months. Thank you, drugs, and farewell.

I don’t think I told you my estimated due date! It is: May 4th. May the Fourth be with you!

May the Fourth be with my little nugget too.

good night xo



6 thoughts on “9 weeks”

  1. Awesome…and I hear ya…I know this is happening inside me, but I feel the same way when I see very pregnant women. I wanted to tell one pregnant women at Target yesterday that I was pregnant too…but I didn’t think she would believe me. I was buying maternity stuff (like a pregnancy pillow) and I felt like I was buying it for one of my pregnant friends…this is how its been for so long!! It becomes real for me when I see that little heartbeat!! And yes, I pretty much eat and sleep…my cat is LOVING it!!

  2. Ahhh…so then that would make October 20th, the first day of your second trimester. I will be running the Nike Women’s Half-Marathon that day and will run a mile in your honor. I don’t think my pregnancy became real until I had to switch from regular clothes to unzipped pants covered by a belly band. Even now, with a four year old, I sometimes catch myself referring to “my daughter” and wonder who how that’s possible. I am just over the moon happy for you. xx

  3. You are cracking me up like no one else…May the Fourth be with you… And as always, I love your writing. And I love the joyous news you’re finally writing about. And I love the little bundle growing inside you. xoxo

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