Back on the bus! Now I’ll just write to work 9 more times and it’ll be a habit.
Last March, when E and I were in the middle of another round of winter illness, I went to the doctor to get some medicine. She noted my swollen lymph nodes and particularly on one side. At the time, I think she said we should watch that since you don’t really want enlarged glands on one side. She prescribed antibiotics, I got better, and forgot about it.
A couple of months went by before I realized there was still a little lump there. I thought maybe the lymph node (of which I thought you only have one on each side but you actually have like 300) just hadn’t drained sufficiently. I went back to the doc and she said maybe but let’s do an ultrasound.
Around that time, I started googling, which is a bad, bad, and totally irresistible thing to do. I remember when I was going through IVF googling like mad, almost as if I could get information on the status of the actual embryo inside me if I could just get the search criteria precise enough. You just can’t not do it. The danger, of course, is that you find some scary stuff.
I did the ultrasound and found out just before leaving town for three weeks that the ultrasound was inconclusive and I would need a CT or MRI. And it was a “mass,” not a lymph node. But three weeks should make no difference so go enjoy your vacation, said my doc.
Well, I didn’t freak out, but this definitely got me thinking about putting my affairs in order, particularly a will, which of course is excruciating to think about, and so much more in terms of E’s welfare than my own. So, while in Michigan, despite power outages and lack of Internet, I managed to finish my will and have it signed and notarized. Phew.
Upon return, I did the MRI. Incidentally, that was an exercise in quelling panic, from start to finish, even though I was in an open MRI with no sides. If I ever have to do it again, I will take the anxiety meds.
I was supposed to get the results 2-3 days later, but by this past Sunday morning it had been 10 days. I also had something going on with my eye where it felt like something had been in it for 3 days, maybe a scratch on my cornea. And, to top it all off, E had gotten an insect bite of some kind just below his eye the day before and it was all swollen up. You know how sad it looks when anyone gets a swollen eye… That much worse with a baby.
Well, that was a real pileup of scary and worrisome shit. I felt super overwhelmed. I did not break down, because when you’re awaiting results, you’re spending so much energy just holding it together.
I took E to the doc and it was just a swollen mosquito bite- I got antibiotic cream to prevent infection. I got myself a latte and met up with JJ and S at the playground. In the afternoon, E slept for two hours while I made oatmeal banana muffins, kale cheesy bites, pasta, fruit salad, and Brussels sprouts. In the early evening, we took a trip to Ocean Beach where the wind and waves calmed me.
I was not spiraling. But, as a single parent, a health scare is worse. I’m both parents.
Yesterday morning, I got the MRI report- it is likely NOT NOT NOT malignant due to its “distinct margins” and my lack of enlarged glands. Biopsy, as I expected, to be sure. Breathing! Breathing! Breathing!
My eye is much better, E’s swelling went down.
Reminders to live each day, be grateful, get the papers in order. So relieved for now, and feeling like so much stuff I worry about is silly. Love to you all and fingers crossed that we all have good health in our futures.