Category: IUI

dating, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

16 million…

thesolomamaproject

…is the number of sperm in the 2 washed vials (for the price of one!) that were gently placed in my uterus two days ago, “with blessings and love” from Ingrid. And with that, we’re off to the races.

Afterward, in the spirit of “goin’ about my biz,” I decided to go to an impromptu happy hour to see a couple of colleagues in from NYC, including my boss’ boss. I showed up to a nice welcome and whispered to the waitress that I’d be fine with water. The boss’ boss shouted, “WHY, ARE YOU PREGNANT? YOU KNOW IF YOU DON’T DRINK EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE PREGNANT! HAR HAR!” and I did my best, Oh my GOD of course not, HAHA, I’m just planning on exercising later so (mumble, mumble)…and then everyone moved on. It was still weird, and will only get weirder as the months of intermittent drinking go on. Ah well…let them think what they will!

Yesterday, I decided to cancel the Friday night date because I was feeling less comfortable with it all the time. Contemplating my love life as a sidebar to the baby project has been quite the dilemma in itself… I thought that, theoretically, a more casual thing for once could possibly fit nicely given the bandwidth that must be reserved for trying to conceive as well as the fact that I’m no longer angling to find a babydaddy. But when this guy expressed more than once that he’s not looking for a relationship “per se” and suggested meeting at 10pm, I thought: why would I spend time on something that I wasn’t at least open to seeing where it goes? Why am I settling for another not-good-enough situation? Noticing also that it felt icky to put the maybe-baby in proximity to potentially messy dramz. I ended up giving this guy my honest assessment that I’m upgrading what I’m looking for (an open-ended connection, even despite or in addition to or because of my trying to have a baby), and said I’d still like to talk about music sometime, which he said he’d be open to maybe after a little time for switching gears on the whole thing. Another nice, talented, unavailable guy.

Tonight, I had dinner with two fellow SMCs, Ms. R and JJ. We absolutely howled with laughter–there is just too much funny and ridiculous stuff that goes on in this process. Between diet and temperature and donor status and dating and paperwork and tests and meltdowns and you name it. There is a LOT to discuss and I’m grateful to be going through this with a tribe.

Tomorrow morning, I have the important job of transporting two vials of my dear donor’s sperm in a rented cryotank from PRS to UCSF to be sworn in with a pile of witnessed signatures and paperwork. Glad, again, to be taking action on the next round while the current one is still in process. Later in the day, I’ll return to UCSF for the psych evaluation, which, from what JJ says, is a lot of, “Have you considered X super-obvious thing that you’ve obviously been obsessing about for months?” I will try to nod and smile instead of saying, “Oh, wow! Huh! No, I really hadn’t considered how I’ll handle child care! Thanks for the reminder!” etc. I think of it as another task to check off the list, and I already have a therapist to counsel me through this, thank you.

Then a real weekend of real rest (and doing my taxes, which are late and no extension, oops). Good night

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

think good thoughts

thesolomamaproject

Getting ready to leave the office to head over to PRS for the quick and painless procedure that is so anti-climactic when you consider the potential impact on my life and the future baby’s life and the lives of everyone around us. I feel good. A little sleepy (stayed up a little too late last night), ate a salad for lunch, drank a lot of water. I saw something online today that said to eat full-fat dairy which helps with fertility and I think there’s ice cream in my future.

I’ll pack up, walk to my car, drive over to Potrero Hill, find a parking spot. I’ll pause to notice how nice it is to be outside in the sunshine instead of in the office. I’ll check in at the front desk. (I have 2 friends who work in the same building and I’m always unsure of what I’d say if I were to run into them in the hallway.), Then I’ll wait to be called in by Ingrid, the nurse practitioner. Whenever Ms. R. and I email or text or gchat about Ingrid, her name is always followed by a <3. We love her. She is beautiful and gentle and says things like “think good thoughts!” right at the critical moment. She also looks like a friend of my sister’s who is a family friend and also a good vibe person to resemble. I’ll have Mojo with me, and knee socks. The IUI itself feels like nothing; last time I couldn’t perceive anything after the speculum. Then you just lay there alone for a few minutes in the dim light, but Ingrid says it’s “mostly psychological” so you can get up and get dressed whenever you want.

Then I’ll get up and drive home and probably do some more work, practice for band rehearsal, go to bed early. We know I’m probably ovulating around now. The sperm, since they’ve been frozen, live around 12-24 hours (as opposed to 3 days with fresh sperm). So you hope that the window of the egg meets the window of the sperm. The fertilization happens within hours of IUI, then it can take up to a week to implant, the zygote traveling it’s merry way down the fallopian tube. Eventually, it turns into a blastocyst and finds a nice home on the endometrial lining. I have lovely guided meditations for both fertilization and implantation that use really obvious metaphors (like your pond and your flower and a dragonfly that’s coming to land, etc.) but they’re nice and relaxing and why not?? 🙂 Acupuncture tomorrow. The idea is to send resources to the tissue and de-stress as much as possible. What’s not to love?

And then, the two week wait. I know you guys will be here for me, and I appreciate it. I need it! Please think good thoughts for the next 24 hrs in particular, and maybe again in 1 week. You will receive partial credit for any eventual birth–you can all be aunties and uncles! Thank you! ❤

dating, IUI, ovulation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

Round 2!

thesolomamaproject

It was reported to me through the grapevine that Mr. Michigan thought I was “cool” but isn’t interested in dating me. Which I hope we can all agree is completely OUTRAGEOUS! I know my readership will get behind me on this one. I am instantly aware of five million reasons we were a terrible match to start with, coupled by the fact that he has dubious taste in women and may even have a criminal record in my home state.

OK…just because I felt a pang of tenderness in my dating-weary, Grinch-y little heart doesn’t mean that I will now collapse in a spiral of self-loathing. I’m hopeful that the big Significance of the encounter I was searching for yesterday is actually that I’m a) finally leaving high school behind me (har har!) and/or b) that my heart is opening up to the beginning of the end of a relatively long guy-atus. We shall see.

So, my first attempt at bringing you legitimate dating drama has been short-lived… but, on the bright side, I scored a positive OPK today, which means that I have a date tomorrow at 4pm with the REAL man in my life: my donor. Yes! It’s time to gear up for Round #2! I am enjoying my last night before the dreaded two week wait but also looking forward to being maybe-pregnant as there sure are a lot of babies and pregnancies around me (congrats to my prego friend in Colombia as well as to my friend M who gave me Mojo and gave birth to a perfectly glorious baby boy 2 days ago!).

Ms. R, who is exactly and precisely always getting her period when I am ovulating and vice versa, unfortunately got the news from AF today about not being pregnant this cycle. I am eating ice cream tonight in solidarity with her. The good thing about our flip-flopped cycles is that one of us is always stable enough to counsel the other one’s freakouts. On the downside, we will never get drunk together ever again.

And: I have a date date on Friday night with a guy from online. I won’t waste my or your time with any details except to say that he’s an amazing musician and fully aware of my baby project (got that off my chest in email #2). (Mr. Mich would have never been so open-minded!)

Here’s to IUI #2 and this egg meeting that sperm: gogogogo!

dating, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

chance

thesolomamaproject

I’m blogging on my iPad while getting a pedicure. And I won’t apologize!

Today was wonderful–I love coming home to SF, especially gaining those 3 hours back that were painfully lost on the way to the east coast. I fell asleep at 10 last night and leisurely awoke at 6 to armies of birds welcoming the morning with their songs. Those three hours brought me back to civilization, with warm breezes and a slow cup of coffee.

My first plan of the day was to attend a toddler birthday party in Golden Gate Park. To save time, I decided to combine it with my morning run by running there with gift in hand (fortunately not as awkward as it sounds since it was a thin book that tucked neatly under my arm). Meanwhile, the birthday boy’s mom had texted me that her friend’s husband’s friend would be there and she wanted to set me up. All she said was that he’s 6’1″. She had read a recent post of mine here about taking steps toward dating while in trying-to-conceive-mode, and this guy “wants kids” and therefore may not freak out about “hanging out with someone pregnant” and I really do appreciate it (hint, hint) when friends keep me in mind for the eligible bachelors who cross their path, especially ones that for some strange reason seem compatible with my plans.

Showing up post 5-mile run was therefore not setting me up to look my “best,” but you know what? Getting my run in was more important, and shows me at my best in a whole other way. Plus, even with friends’ best intentions, they’ve been known to choose guys for me who are just wildly wrong to the point where I wonder if they know me at all. (Sometimes I’ve suspected them of having their own crush and wanting to live vicariously.) So I hedged my bets and picked the cutest running gear.

This time, EJ did good. At first glance across the playground, he was kind of ridiculously handsome. We eyed each other from a distance for a while, both of us in on the plan, until I went over to meet him, wearing at that point a multitude of borrowed clothing because I was so freezing out there in the fog post-run. Wishing I was dressed, if not to the nines, then at least a little less like someone who lived in the park.

Everyone around us suddenly evacuated, and we had a nice chat. He was solicitous and friendly and I momentarily forgot about my baseball cap, frizzy ponytail, and giant flannel plaid shirt. At some point, I said, “So I heard that you lived in Michigan?” (I’d been filled in on this detail on my way in.)

“Actually, I’m from Michigan.”

“Oh..me too.”

We’d been walking, and at this point he turned and faced me, amused, and the next part felt like theater, “Where in Michigan.”

Yes–we are from the same small town.

He took a step back (now he looked spooked) and said “What’s your last name?” and I said “What’s your last name?”

I knew his last name. His younger brother was in my class. A nice, popular guy with a big smile who was shorter and less handsome than the guy in front of me.

I don’t think we quite recovered from the shock of that for the rest of the party. He gave me a nice hug at the end but didn’t ask for digits–was he afraid I’d have insider access to his sordid hometown legacy?

I mean, really. He went to my high school? (oh and ps: we also went to the same university.) Now I feel like my friend must have been picking up on some kind of Michigan vibe. Did he talk a tiny bit like me so she made a subconscious connection? Is this a sign? And a sign of what?

Well, that we can’t know. But it did get me thinking about how unpredictable life is and how much life can have a sense of humor, throwing impossibly unlikely coincidences in our paths. We always want to know–what does it mean? And that we can only know in retrospect. Maybe that was the extent of the universe’s joke today. Hee hee, says the universe! It certainly puts a new spin on which sperm meets up with which egg…the chances of you or me ever coming into existence were basically infinitesimal.

Meanwhile, I’m just enjoying the ride over here. Still just peeing on a stick (which oddly enough, keeps me grounded) and happy to be back in my beautiful city.

Il faut toujours tenter la chance.

IUI, ovulation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

O or :)

thesolomamaproject

I’m handwriting today’s post before typing it in because I just boarded my flight home which will be a 5h40m flight and I know my laptop battery only goes a fraction of that time…plus, we haven’t taken off yet, so I’m stuck with an old-fashioned way of entertaining myself since my book is on my iPad and all electronic devices must be turned off.

Also, I am in my final half-hour of four-hours-of-not-peeing, so I can POAS (pee on a stick, mile-high edition) and see if tomorrow is the day for my IUI. I’m using Clear Blue Digital OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) for an indicator of when I’ll ovulate–they pick up your LH surge which happens 24-36 hours before ovulation. The Clear Blue Digital give you a “O” or a “:)”, and I appreciate the fact that it is all or nothing, yes or no, black or white. The other tests show 2 lines and you try to compare the test line with the control line to figure out when they match, but this drove me crazy in the gray area of “is that a positive?” “is that a positive?” with R and I obsessively texting photos of our OPKs back and forth for confirmation. I actually missed the window in my first month of testing because I was so nervous about pulling the trigger. Incidentally, w/ Clear Blue Digital you can still check the 2 lines on the stick inside the digital device, which is good backup and to be able to see the nuance of when the LH is increasing but not yet a smiley-face. Dr. Tran says don’t wait for a positive, go in for the IUI when the line starts getting darker. Which has the potential to make me lose my mind again, but we’ll cross that bridge later.

Not that much later though–I’m already on Day 12! My trip really made the past week fly by, and the work half of it kept me from writing here–several readers became concerned that they’re no longer getting email updates, but the fact is that I just didn’t have time to post for 5 days or so. I joked to Mlle Jeanne that I was taking a break while she gave birth to a healthy and adorable baby boy (which fills my heart with joy!)–I knew she wouldn’t want to miss anything. 😉

The fact is that my days in NYC made it impossible for me to do anything but fulfill my work obligations–this time it wasn’t even possible to catch up with friends outside of work (and even at work I barely could pull my closest friends into a 15-min hallway catch-up although we did have time for them to gaze at me with wonder and awe, as if I was already pregnant, which I love.). So I basically went from family immersion and babyland with my sister’s family to full-on corporate mode. There was suddenly no indication of my baby project beyond taking my temp in the morning and remembering to take my prenatal vitamin (which I remembered only about half the time). Add to that the intensity of the NYC office and 3 day-long meetings, and this side of my life truly disappeared.

I’ll put this wish out to the universe: I aspire to adjust my work to include less travel and stress and more flexibility and creativity, while maintaining a comfortable lifestyle in the city. Let’s see what happens!

And let’s hope they turn off the seat belt sign before I explode!

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

hoops

thesolomamaproject

After seeing the doctor last week, I left with the impression that my nurse, Olga, would be calling me “in a couple days” to set up a bunch of tests. I ended up calling her on Tuesday and then we played phone tag; in her voicemail she apologized that I got the impression that it would be “a couple days” because really it’s typically more like a week. But I knew that yesterday was Day 3 of my cycle, which is when lots of specific hormonal tests (like Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) and Estradiol) have to get done, and if you miss Day 3, and you’re working with UCSF who seems to be super rigid about what steps you need to take “pre-conception,” you might be s.o.l. for this month.

So when I finally got the nurse on the phone directly yesterday, it was 3pm, and, yes: I needed testing on Day 3! Through a secure messaging website, Olga sent me about 8 documents, two of which were lab requests. One for infectious diseases (HIV, RPR, HTLV, Hepatitis, Rubella, Varicella, TSH, CBC, Rh and blood type, FSH, and Estradiol) and one was for genetic screening (Fragile X, Cystic Fibrosis, and Spinal Muscular Atrophy–if I’m a carrier then we need to confirm that my donor is not). For the genetic screening, she advised that I call my insurance to be sure I’m covered, because these are very expensive but highly recommended. She asked if I still had enough time to chat before going to the lab I said yes, but we’d better hurry.

So she ran me through all the steps that are required before my first IUI is even possible. Including: the tests above, transporting the washed sperm vials from the sperm bank to UCSF 1-2 weeks before my period (um, too late for that, plus they need a “sperm transfer consent form” signed and witnessed/notorized before the transfer), an HSG test (an hour-long x-ray to check the uterus and fallopian tubes that needs to take place days 7-10 of your cycle (I’ll be out of town)), and a psych evaluation (the psychologist can’t fit me in until 5/4–too late). We quickly determined that this month wouldn’t be possible and I should stick to having this month’s IUI done at PRS (the sperm bank, which requires none of the above), where I had my first IUI last month. Then I called my insurance and read about 15 5-digit codes over the phone to confirm that the genetic screening tests were covered (they are), called PRS to pre-purchase 3 washed vials and get on the standby list for this month, wrapped up my work day, and jumped in a cab to the lab. (I made it under the wire!)

Wow! That’s a lot of jumping through hoops, UCSF! It seems like overkill right now, but if months go by and I have issues conceiving, I’ll be glad we have all the info. In the cab, I thought about how much easier it would have been to just get knocked up from sex the way other people do. Right behind that thought was how I wouldn’t want to be attached to any of those guys in the context of parenthood. And right behind that thought was: “I really want this.” And then I just smiled out the window.

dating, IUI, ovulation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

mojo

thesolomamaproject

A few weekends ago, I was crying to my friend M that it didn’t look like I was going to be able to do the first IUI this month and by the way I also thought I’d lost my mojo. That I felt invisible and must have crossed over into a significantly higher age threshold or badly needed a cut and color because I was getting zero attention from men anywhere. She pointed out that a) you never lose your mojo and b) if you’ve think you’ve lost your mojo then that’s what you’re projecting into the world and that’s what it reflects back to you. And then she told me to get outside so I went for a run at Lands End and felt five million times better.

Just days before, a different friend M, who is weeks away from giving birth, gave me a sock bunny that she made herself. I was really touched by this, not least because I have no talent for crafting and admire it in others. Plus, she is glowing and pregnant and happy and the sock bunny came with good vibes. I decided to name him Mojo and never lose him. Here is Mojo:

:Image

Then, just days after that, my ovulation test was positive and I went in for my IUI. I decided that Mojo should come with me for all my appointments. And now I specifically sleep with him too. He’s a nice guy and what a big heart!

Let’s just say that trying to conceive takes up a lot of mental bandwidth. Especially during the infamous two week wait, which was torture. As yet, I have not figured out how to date or even take step one in the direction of dating with all this going on… My taxi light says something like, “I’m not sure how to do this so, um, maybe take the next one.”

My friend Beans, who has been at this for months and is beginning her first IVF this week, told me that she didn’t date for the first few months of trying either, but it was a gradual process of getting comfortable with it. Maybe that will be true for me, and I hope so, because I think we could all use some lighthearted dating drama especially now that I’ve called off the search for a babydaddy. It would be nice to share the company of someone who is nice to me and (for some reason) not scared off by my plan.

It’s a lot to contemplate, but I believe that the sub-genre of ‘dating while pregnant’ is seriously under-explored!

Meanwhile, M is right: the mojo is not lost. It’s just that a girl’s got to prioritize, and dating isn’t currently the priority. This is all going to take some time to sort out (and likely a team of mental health professionals), so I’ll just stay open to what the universe sends me, and tonight it’s a snugglebunny.

IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

Day 1

thesolomamaproject

We’ve clicked over to a new cycle, folks. I returned home tonight to be greeted by AF, in all her blazing, scarlet glory.

Amazing how much it felt like getting dumped, only (thankfully) by a guy I hadn’t been seeing for that long. Like around… 2 weeks. But I wasn’t that into him, anyway. Not yet.

So then what? Well, I pulled out a tampon and pantiliner and a beer. And ate two big slices of pizza. And wrote this.

Earlier today, I got really panicky leaving LA after spending an exhilarated weekend thinking, “I probably am.” Because, at the same time, I always thought that AF would be the harbinger of negative news but it really threw me when she didn’t show. (Each bathroom visit where she didn’t show seemed to reinforce that she never would.) Leaving my busy work weekend, I couldn’t figure out when to take a test, what test to take, when is it 99% accurate, how can I do this PERFECTLY so that the result is the one I want? I started to feel like such a big farce, fanning the flames of expectation with all my friends and family when I really couldn’t possibly know yet. I called my parents, flustered, and they sounded worried about what the weight of disappointment could do to me. When I landed in SF, I drove straight to the office at 8pm on a Sunday to do 3+ hours of work. Get the work monkey off my back, anyway.

Let’s be real–this was my very first try. My doctor said, let’s expect it to take 6 months. (And he’s not going to count the IUI at Pac Repro.) I’ve learned a LOT. My friend MM texted me tonight how much she’s enjoying my blog, and how it feels nice to be partnering with me in my journey, as a community. SO nice to hear that–can I tell you how much that means to me??? It’s scary sometimes to put all this out there publicly. And yet, I already can’t imagine doing this without you, dear readers and friends.

As predicted, I am glad to have planned ahead with UCSF, so this month is indeed a new month. Maybe this time I won’t drag you along on quite the detailed play-by-play; or maybe I will. Who knows? I feel a little sheepish but also like finally I can let it all hang out instead of being paralyzed by hope.

Next time it’ll be old hat, we’ll be like, oh–has it been a month already?

I’m grateful that I don’t feel like crying. Or giving up.

IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

Day 28

thesolomamaproject

The game is still on. I’m a little beside myself at this point, wondering, wondering, wondering. What is going on in there? Nothing has happened yet. That’s all, nothing yet, no AF and I haven’t done a test, and this would be one of my longer cycles, and tomorrow would be my longest. So… I should have news tomorrow because I learned yesterday that at 13dpo (days past ovulation), the test will be 99% accurate. Who’s coming over??

Fortunately, I had scheduled a work trip for this weekend, which is an awesome distraction but I just got alone in my hotel room for the first time and feel all shaky and also tired due to my early flight. I am tempted not to post this because I don’t want you to be disappointed, or me to be disappointed, but I’m feeling a tiny bit hopeful. And glad that I have UCSF plans rolling, rolling, in the meantime, so not even AF will slow me down.

Dinner at 7 which means 3 good hours of work now, and I shouldn’t squander it blogging because I need to get the work stress off my back. The point of my trip is to see the kickoff of a huge video project–today was the rehearsal and tomorrow will be the first day of shooting. The actors are all adorable and in their 20s and I want to eat them up. I’m looking at them like I’m their mom. I’m looking at everyone like I’m their mom, actually. I got a nice smile from a cutie on the walk over here just now, and catcalled from a moving car, so maybe my mojo is flowing, or maybe I have more appeal in LA?

I get to be an extra in the background of a café scene tomorrow, so I know I’ll be occupied tomorrow. I almost didn’t make this trip, and I’m SO glad I did.

Thanks for coming with me along for this ride. I realize too, that the positive test is not the finish line by any means. It would mean that I cleared an important hurdle, and then the initial weeks can be tenuous. So let’s proceed with caution and keep going about our biz. K?

fertility, IUI, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, Uncategorized

ucsf and challenges and triplets

thesolomamaproject

My appointment at UCSF was at 8am and I arrived a little early as directed, which turned out to be even earlier than the front desk staff. I sat down across from a sign with all the doctors’ names listed and realized that these people have become like celebrities to me–I knew at least one or two anecdotal facts about each one: Dr. Cedars is super amazing and the most highly recommended (no availability until June), Dr. Huddleston is fantastic as well (also a long wait), and Dr. Fujimoto will make you cry (I heard this from more than one former patient). The one doc I knew nothing about was the one with the earliest availability, and the one with whom I had an appointment today: Dr. Tran. Before long, I was ushered into his office.

Well, I just have to highly recommend Dr. Tran. He is easygoing, handsome, somewhat softspoken, neutral (not too harsh and not too cuddly either). The results, after an ultrasound, were good news. He said my ovarian reserve is eggcellent. Just kidding, he said, “Your ovarian reserve is excellent,” but he said it twice. Now I have a whole game plan to put in motion if round 1 is a no-go, including a bunch of tests, a psych evaluation (required whenever donors are involved–I asked if having a therapist counts and he said no), that tube test (HSG?), and then 3 months of natural IUI’s. Then, we’ll see where we are. He seemed totally unfazed by me being a single woman pursuing this on my own.

I sometimes forget, actually, that people might be fazed by this. It’s likely that some people around me at some point will be challenged by what I, and other single women in my situation, seem to be saying about the necessity and importance of men and fathers, not to mention the institution of marriage. Or some may feel that by choosing to do this, I am saying to parents, “I can totally handle this on my own whereas you were kind of a mess and complained a lot. And you have a husband.”

In truth, I have nothing but admiration for men, and dads, and MY dad, and people who manage to get married and stay married through parenthood and have a good thing going (and I’m not giving up on this either). And while I do not know the exhausted chaos and epic sacrifice of parenthood firsthand, I know enough to know approximately what I could be getting myself into. This could cause me to move, change careers, stop dating indefinitely, give up my interests for a while or permanently, spend my life savings, go into debt, etc. Probably not all of the above at the same time, though, except in the case of multiples–but even if I had triplets, I would bet money that my community would not allow me to go down in flames.

OK, let’s not invoke the triplets!!! I’m going to bed before this goes any further. I imagine I’m preaching to the unfazed anyway. Very thrilled about the UCSF plan and going into Day 26 with no clues about what’s going on in there now that I 100% do not trust messages from my body. Good night!