Category: SMC

anxiety, fertility, IVF, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

surrender

thesolomamaproject

The sky looks a shade darker than in the banner of my website and there’s a 3/4 moon out the window above my dining room table. It’s already 9–I was so excited for a luxurious evening at home and the time flew by. I’m making pasta and whipping off a blog post because I don’t mean to leave my dear readers hanging.

And yet, we all know there is nothing concrete to report until the blood test. I could list you all the symptoms–but couldn’t it be the hormones? stress? the inevitable result of intense scrutiny of every bodily sensation?

Pasta w/ pesto is now steaming to my right. I’ve decided not to POAS (pee on a stick) this time. I know, it’s radical. It’s even a little ludicrous when Tuesday is essentially 19dpo and 13dp5dt. Anyway, however you do the math, I am going fully conservative on this one, and it still won’t change the outcome. I will not add to the roller coaster by creating a gap between POAS and beta. I will be as kind to myself as possible  by waiting and following the UCSF rules, which include an admonishment not to do a home test due to false negatives.

On Sunday, I went to the hypno-restorative yoga class and while we were in one of the poses, we went down an internal staircase and took a short path to a place in our minds that we associate with joy. And there were our spirit animals, and what was mine? A unicorn. I questioned it–really, a unicorn? Not a white horse or a zebra? Nope, it was definitely a unicorn. It had big soulful brown eyes through which it communicated with me. It asked me to stop comparing myself to others and reassured me that I have done every single thing I could do and now it’s time to let go.

Nevertheless, on Monday, I went a little crazy googling “6dp5dt” and reading other women’s fertility blogs. I also learned of two women who transferred the same day I did and had already POAS and are pregnant. And I was obsessively reading the SMC national board. I found that, while it can be so reassuring to see that someone who felt exactly the same as you on the same day of the process ended up with a perfect baby, it can be equally troubling to read of other people’s heartbreak. So I finally listened to the unicorn and swore off anything related to fertility on the internet.

Since Tuesday, I have felt calm. I think my busy mind ran through all the mathematical possibilities and exhausted itself. I have finally thrown the reigns over to the universe. I’m enjoying this part, this blissful ignorance where I can choose my reality. Soon enough, my path will emerge again from obscurity in the brightening moonlight.

anxiety, IVF, meditation, outdoors, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

PUPO

thesolomamaproject

Yo! We are 4dp5dt to those in the know. Aka 4 days past 5-day transfer. 10 days till beta.

It was a good few days back at work–focused, productive, forgetting at times, remembering with a smile. I’ve felt every symptom on the list already, so that was predictable. Thrilled to have embie #1 with me. My little, huge secret. (PS 75 microns is the width of a human hair.)

Last night, with the distraction of work lifted away, I found myself sinking into worry over the not-knowing. Then I was instinctively scolding myself for not thinking uniquely positive thoughts during this critical time. I have this image of the perfect two-week-waiter: serene, neutral, intuitive, self-assured, full of faith (does this person even exist?).  Once I became aware of this layered internal dialogue, I did what I have learned to do: I turned to Buddhism.

I put on a Tara podcast. Her soothing and wise voice calmed me and encouraged me not to resist the thoughts–invite them to tea. On the night that the Buddha achieved enlightenment, Mara showed up, a demon who tried to tempt the Buddha away from his spiritual practice. He fired arrows at him all night, but because the Buddha didn’t react, the arrows turned to flower petals and eventually Mara disappeared. There were mountains of flower petals in the morning. Rather than resisting or reacting, we can invite our fears to sit with us, to  have tea with us. So I did. I remembered that I’m on a bunch of hormones. I cried and fell asleep. I moved through.

Tara quoted Annie Lamott, which kind of blew my mind, given their recently prominent roles as my spiritual leaders. The Annie quote was, “My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone.”

Today, I met up with two SMC friends and was reminded in a big way that I am not alone. I met C, 38 weeks pregnant, for a muffin and tea, then J, 18 weeks pregnant, for brunch. I came away remembering that motherhood at every stage of pregnancy and beyond is about living with uncertainty–heck, LIFE is about living with uncertainty–and I am getting a lot of relevant practice. My SMC friends are inspiring examples–even if there are days when they feel disorganized, they have their shit together in such a fundamental way. And they reflect this back to me. Which makes me feel like I don’t have to solve everything today, since I can’t anyway and neither can anyone.

I swam this morning, exercise being a critical part of the program of keeping me afloat. Swimming will be my new substitute for running, and although I don’t love swimming in the same way, it did feel good. Although wow is it really hard when you’re not in the habit. And kind of annoying with the sharing a lane, and boring with the repetition, etc. But a great low-impact, muscle-toning, cardio workout, and hopefully I’ll get stronger. Swimming and yoga. I signed up for a 3-hour hypno-restorative yoga class tomorrow afternoon with C. Also hoping to get outside into our deliciously cold weekend fog in the morning.

I’m back to being happily-maybe, and sometimes probably. Grateful to be PUPO = Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. Rolling with it. Making friends with the present moment and all it has to teach me.

night night

 

acupuncture, fertility, IVF, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

happy transfer

thesolomamaproject

Embie on board!

I took the Valium an hour beforehand, so by the time my sister got here to pick me up I was giggly. I was overly-accessorized, wearing one item to represent each family member: earrings from my dad, a scarf from my mom, arm warmers from my sister, a bracelet from my other sister, and a ring from each grandma. I was Ready.

Upon arrival, I took all that off and changed into my gown, cap, and booties. So did my sister so she could be in the room. We were invited into the transfer room adjacent to the embryologist lab and the first thing Dr. Tran did was hand me this printed photo of embie #1, freshly thawed and hatched this morning:

embie1 (2)

I am SUPER PROUD of this photo and it’s on my fridge now. Dr. Tran said that this is a “textbook” blast, looks really really good.

I asked how big it was and he said 75 microns. How big that is, I am not sure. Still very small.

The embryologist gave me a visual tour of the lab from where I could see it from the table, and I can’t say I remember any details in my loopy state but I was fascinated and thought he was cute. I thanked him a lot and he gave me a thumbs up.

Once we were ready to go and Dr. T. inserted the catheter, the nurse had put jelly on my belly and it was my first non-vaginal ultrasound perhaps ever. I could see the end of the catheter appear on the monitor, with a white dot on the end. The catheter nudged a little until the dot stayed in place and the catheter backed out. I saw the dot stay in my uterus and it brought me joy. I looked over at my sister and we were both wearing masks but had WOW in our eyes.

And that was that. I was given an “After Visit Summary” that begins, “We want you to know that once the embryo is transferred, there is really nothing a patient can do to influence the outcome of the cycle.” (And then goes on to list a bunch of restrictions anyway… Precautions.)

Mostly I’m supposed to take it easy for a couple of days and that’s it. Dr. T. said not to run a marathon or take up smoking. Be sensible. Modern medicine has done everything in its power to create a successful pregnancy, and now it’s up to the embryo to do this last step on its own. The handout also says, “Most embryos that fail to implant do so because of intrinsic genetic abnormalities.” We know my embie is normal so let’s hope it’s happening right now (implantation in the first 24-48 hours).

I told Dr. T. that I was so glad it was him today and he said he would have done it even if he hadn’t been on this week. Love him!

I’m really, really tired. I woke up at 4:40 this morning and couldn’t fall back to sleep in my excitement. Then the Valium knocked me out in the afternoon–I napped, then did acupuncture, and now I’m a wet noodle. Time for bed.

THANK YOU for the many good wishes today–love you all.

acupuncture, anxiety, fertility, IVF, meditation, outdoors, ovulation, parenthood, pregnancy, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

tomorrow

thesolomamaproject

Tomorrow is my transfer day, at 12:15pm! Good vibes, prayers, and love sent in the direction of Sutter and Divisadero, SF, CA, USA are  welcomed and appreciated! Thanks so much for the love, hugs, texts, emails, and calls already flowing in.

The weekend was a slow and steady build toward the big day. On Friday night, I had my two-hour clairvoyant reading. The five readers sat across from me with their eyes closed as they took turns reading my energy. They checked all my chakras, cleaned out the old pictures, told me about some of my past lives (I was a contented Eskimo mom as well as a famous actress in the 1910’s), and generally validated my commitment to having a child. No major blockage toward reaching my goal. After the intensity of the reading, I felt emotionally delicate. I walked to Dolores Park and sat on a bench overlooking the twinkling city, and cried. It was cleansing. If that’s what it means to get your chakras cleaned out, I’m for it.

On Saturday morning, I ran to the top of Twin Peaks, remembering with every uphill that it would be my last challenging run for a while–I savored it. I don’t normally go to the tippy-top, but this time I did.

In the afternoon, I went for Maya abdominal massage. At first, we talked about diet. She gave me some foods to target: avocado (superfood), cilantro (cooling), cinnamon (anti-inflammatory), chia seeds (another superfood w/ omega 3s, she wants me to eat them throughout the day), have a smoothie soon after waking up (to maintain blood sugar), avoid grains in the evening (to not spike blood sugar then crash overnight), drink cranberry leaf tea (to support healthy lining), etc. She has a really soothing manner. We both spoke softly.

Then, we prepared for the vagina steaming, which was very simple: she had been simmering some herbs in a regular pot which she put under what I think was a birthing stool, with the lid at an angle to let the steam rise up. she had me sit on the stool and then she wrapped me in a thick red blanket, leaving me to meditate for ten minutes. It felt odd but nice, not too hot. Every herb in there had a specific purpose, the end result ostensibly being an irresistibly sticky womb.

Afterward, I got on the massage table and she said she was going to feel around for my uterus. Did you know this was possible? I did not. I would have thought it was too far in the middle of the body. The uterus is, in fact, impossible for me to visualize, unless it’s a Georgia O’Keeffe painting, or a pancake. In the 3D environment of my body, I am clueless.

She found it with her fingers, pressing gently. She exclaimed, “She’s pretty anterior!” and then gradually guided “her” back to center. It felt a little strange to have someone pawing at my belly, but not as uncomfortable as I imagined it could be.

She finished with a full body massage, my first in years–so amazing. I was jello after that. I had no choice but to go home and take a nap. The rest of the weekend I spent holding babies at parties and celebrating my sister’s graduation.

Today, I went around feeling like I swallowed a canary. At the end of the day, I stopped to pick up groceries for an uber-healthy, delicious dinner, and ended up spending $15 on a wild salmon filet that turned out to be maybe the best salmon I’ve ever had, simply prepared with lemon and garlic in foil. Also, broccoli. And chips with homemade guacamole w/ cilantro. Now I’ll drink some cranberry leaf tea and take a bath before bed.

My evening protocol right now has me decreasing the estrogen patches on my belly while I increase the dosage of intramuscular progesterone injections. This is mimicking what happens after ovulation, but without the ovulation, getting my uterus right where a Day 6 blast would want and expect it to be. The progesterone shots are gnarly–1.5″ needle and a funky angle to do on yourself. They’re not so painful at the time, but I have a little painful knot developing behind each hip. I massage them a lot. I’ll continue these for several if not many weeks–and it should be noted that the side effects are identical to those of pregnancy (including delaying AF!).

Tomorrow is a dream day: therapy at 7:30, personal trainer at 9:30, go home and take a Valium, my sister picks me up at 11:30, meet embie #1 soon after 12:15, then acupuncture at 3pm.

How do I feel? I feel like I’ve done a really good job. I have done everything in the world I could reasonably do. I feel really hopeful and a little anxious, also grounded, centered, uterus-centered, nourished, peaceful. I feel like all that I’ve learned and practiced around self-care these past weeks are gifts already received from the baby to be.

What a process. Grateful for you and all of the above and the chance to get pregnant tomorrow.

xo

acupuncture, anxiety, fertility, IVF, meditation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

transfer date

thesolomamaproject

You guys! At long last, we are almost to transfer.

I drove over to my lining check feeling happy to be going back to UCSF after weeks and weeks of no appointments. The woman at the front desk told me I owed “$27.99.” I looked at her in confusion and told her my co-pays are usually $40. She said, “No, sorry, I meant [whispered] $2,799.” OOHHH. Right. This is the cost of one Frozen Embryo Transfer, up front. This time, I had an amazon Rewards Card–see, I’m getting better at this all the time.

When Dr. Zamah walked into the exam room, I was reading through my lengthy FET consent form, getting my head back in the game. He said he’d be looking for a good lining and no cysts. I wasn’t anxious until that moment–who’s to say what’s going on in there??

Going in, though, I knew that throughout this entire process, I have not missed a single pill, injection, or patch. Amazing. That’s how #1 this is in my own mind.

Awesome results–lining is great, left ovary quiet, right ovary quiet; he said, “I approve! Green light!” He’s a nice, light-hearted guy. And, just like that, I was over the last hurdle.

Almost. I met with Nurse Claire, who said they’re having great results with FETs recently. We went over my new protocol. (I now have four calendars taped to my kitchen wall from this whole process.) Tonight, I’ll peel off one of the four estrogen patches on my belly and give myself a progesterone shot. Start Medrol tomorrow. Valium on my transfer date, which is:

—>Tuesday, June 11<—

My sister will drive me there and back. We are transferring one embryo, my Day 6 5BB, my frontrunner.

Between now and then, I’ll do acupuncture, a clairvoyant reading/healing, and Maya abdominal massage (including vagina steaming–you know I will report back). I’ll sit outside with friends, and otherwise relax and meditate and rest and drink smoothies. (I just had one with banana, avocado, frozen blueberries and strawberries, spinach, honey, almond butter, chia seeds, coconut milk, and ice. Delish.) I’ve got this covered.

Pregnancy test 2 weeks later on 6/25 (yep, it’s still a two week wait…if I don’t pee on a stick first).

On the way out, I saw Maria from the front desk and Lili the genetic counselor and gave them hugs. When I told them my transfer was Tuesday, Lili said, “O….M….G!!”

Exactly.

meditation, outdoors, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

weekend snapshots

thesolomamaproject

I absolutely must be in bed at 10 tonight, which is in 38 minutes, which means tonight we’re doing snapshots from my weekend at Spirit Rock:

  • I checked my email confirmation at 7:25am to make sure what time I needed to arrive for the Daylong in Nature and for the first time noticed that I was supposed to be there not at 9:30, but at 8:45. Which meant I’d have to leave in 20 minutes. I flew around my apartment eating breakfast, packing my lunch, showering, not washing my hair, and jumped in the car with only 45 minutes to do an hour’s drive. Rushing to a meditation retreat is ridiculous. I sped over the bridge and once on Sir Francis Drake realized I’d be about 10 minutes early. And I felt my brain click over to the next thing to worry about: would I have time to use the bathroom, find a refrigerator for my lunch, and get water? I didn’t even spend one second feeling relieved and grateful before moving on to the next worry. But at least I noticed it.
  • In a related story, later on that day a woman at the retreat mentioned that while meditating, she had a fly buzzing her left ear. Then her right ear. She was really irritated. Then the fly flew away, and she felt “lost.” We talked about how the fly could represent anything and how we all live from fly to fly, wondering when we’re going to get chocolate cake.
  • Back to my arrival: I checked in, used the bathroom, got water, and learned that there was no fridge available. I sat in the warm sun in the overgrown grass putting on sunscreen when I met two women sitting near me. I learned that their names were “Spring,” and “Rain.” I said, wait–did you say Spring and Rain? And then Rain says to Spring, “I thought your name was Stephanie?” and Spring says serenley, “Spring is just easier.”
  • We spent the day in silence, starting when we walked up the hill. I realized that it was my first full event in silence. I loved it. As much as I enjoy meeting people, it’s a relief for once to peel that layer off the whole experience and just focus inward. We were given permission not to speak, gesture, or whisper. We shuffled along the path together silently–and suddenly I noticed a lizard, a spiderweb, and a brilliant blue sky.
  • The nature event included less teaching and more meditation–alternating between sitting and walking. Sitting is going better for me, not so uncomfortable. Walking meditation is surprisingly mind-blowing. The point is simply to walk mindfully, which means walking slowly. I always get a zombie vibe when I look around at the people ambling aimlessly. But when I stop looking around, I get totally lost in the moment. I discovered wildflowers (orange, yellow, and purple, wished MM were there to identify), found patches where deer had slept, studied a dead tree against the blue sky. I walked barefoot. I ambled along the trail, up the hill, down the hill, into the bushes (here’s hoping no poison oak). I put my hands on a large rock, partially embedded in the earth, warm in the hot sun. It reminded me of similar rocks on my grandparents’ property and I had a moment with them. I came back to my cushion feeling like I’d had a busy day at work–but a whole new kind of work.
  • I noticed this weekend how many people at meditation retreats are on the verge of tears, how many going through true crises, my heart blew up with compassion for some of the people who shared their stories.
  • Today’s daylong was with Tara Brach, a famous meditation teacher from DC whom my friend A raves about. A went as far as giving her baby son the middle name Brach–such a deep connection to her spiritual guide. There were around 200 people there plus another few hundred online. I was excited to experience Tara’s teaching after listening to a few of her podcasts, and now I know why she has such a massive following. Her guided meditations were extraordinary. I pushed past stuck thinking in at least four different personal life issues. In one case, she had us envision a situation where we were triggered and reactive, to play it through like a movie, frame by frame, and then pause on the most triggered moment. Then imagine someone you admire (Pema Chodron) filling in your shoes in that moment–how do they react? What advice do they give you? Tears poured down my cheeks as I realized how she’d tricked us all into connecting with our own deep wisdom.
  • Afterward, I had her sign my book (she wrote: “For Katie, with blessings and love. <3, Tara”) and told her I’m a friend of A and another aspiring single mom, and she wished me the best. She told me her sister was an SMC. I put my hand on my heart and she put her hands in prayer and I am her newest fan. www.tarabrach.com (check out her weekly podcast)
  • I feel inspired. I remember what and whom I love. I am aware of my body. My heart is open.
  • I bow to the divine in you.
meditation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

meditation

thesolomamaproject

I don’t remember the first time I meditated. I do remember inching toward it in college, reading Jon Kabat-Zinn on mindfulness, gradually becoming aware of my tendencies toward anxiety and depression and looking for relief from an anxious mind. I started doing yoga. I began to realize that the world keeps buzzing by and never gives you a break. I noticed that I felt more grounded and whole when I was doing something meditative like playing music, writing, appreciating nature.

Later, I ended up in San Francisco, where meditation is not weird and is in fact quite ordinary. I signed up for a daylong retreat. I learned about how to sit on a cushion (which, as a rule, is–still– terribly uncomfortable for me), how to focus on my breath, how to be forgiving as thoughts ran away from me like puppies and I gently gathered them back. I liked the teacher, Howard Cohn, and discovered that he did a weekly meditation and dharma talk in the Mission. I started going to that.

People may ask, “What does it do for you?” and it’s hard to articulate an answer. For a long time, it felt like I was pulling myself out of the river of my relentless thoughts, sitting on the riverbank and watching them flow by like leaves. My mind felt clearer afterward.

One time I received a phone call at work from a very angry person, yelling as soon as I picked up the phone. Once I realized what was happening, in a split second I centered myself. I acknowledged inwardly that her energy was not mine. I let her yell for a while and then addressed her from a peaceful island oasis. It’s my single example of how meditation has helped me, but it’s a good one.

Most days, I try to meditate for ten minutes in the morning. Sometimes in a chair, sometimes sitting on my couch facing the sunrise in the east. Many times, I just let the thoughts roll and don’t even remember to bring it back to my breath. This isn’t the “point,” exactly, to be planning what to wear or making mental notes about how to handle projects at work.

The point is, it’s a practice. It’s not one thing with one clear result. It’s a process of training the mind to recognize thoughts as thoughts–not my reality, not my storyline, not my truth. (Pause to take a sip of my Ocean of Wisdom tea, no joke.)

At Green Gulch, I approached our dharma teacher (and Buddhist priest) with a goofy question. I figured it would be unanswerable and/or offensive, but I had to ask him anyway. It was gnawing at me, and when I mentioned it to several others, they were curious about it too.

My question was: if I am meditating in the zendo next to an experienced meditator (like a monk or nun or priest) and there are thought bubbles over our heads, what is in the thought bubbles? In essence, what am I striving for?

He looked thoughtful and answered my question much more directly than I expected. He said that in my thought bubble, he suspects that there would be lots of images of people, places, objects. And in the experienced meditator’s bubble? “Clouds.”

He acknowledged that all people have stresses and struggles–but the experienced meditator has a choice when these things come up. They can choose not to follow that line of thinking (whereas I often get dragged along).

Earlier that day, we had done an exercise in the garden where he had asked us to find one spot of our own and focus on one thing of our choosing, giving it our full attention for 15 minutes. I laid down between the strawberries and some orange poppies and focused on the sky. The coastal fog was roiling through the blue sky, dynamic, swirling.

The image of “clouds” therefore was instantly and freshly available to me the next time I sat. For a while I just had clouds. Then a thought arose and I thought “choice” and went back to the clouds. I kept this up surprisingly well for about a twenty minute session and was excited to tell our teacher of this development. (And the next time I meditated, I spent the entire time wrestling with the cushion…)

I will keep up my practice. I’ll read Pema, I’ll attend two daylongs this coming weekend: one entirely outside in nature and the other with the famous Tara Brach. I need to get a Buddha so he will remind me to sit. And a zafu and a zabuton. I need a bolster so I can spread-eagle offer my uterus up to the gods. It’s important to have the right accoutrements.

Meditation is helping keep me mellow as life throws all kinds of twists and turns in my path. I am serene as a mountain peak. I breathe.

Less than two weeks to go.

Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and the stars mirrored in your own being. ~Rumi

 

fertility, IVF, meditation, outdoors, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

receiving

thesolomamaproject

It’s so inspiring be here. Time passes slowly, the sun sliding gracefully across the sky, the clock ticking on the wall of the yoga room, the phases of the day unfolding gradually. No one is in a hurry. Last week, I was literally running from one meeting to the next. This morning, I finished my breakfast, hung around talking and laughing with new friends for what seemed like a long time, and I still have an hour free before our dharma talk at 9:30.

I never have this kind of leisurely pace. Here, even when we’re doing something like yoga or meditation or eating or walking or reading, we’re doing it mindfully, and time takes on a different dimension.

Here it is a holiday weekend and time is not flying by. (Bonus!)

With this kind of time, you get new perspectives, new ideas for ways of being. We’ve been discussing the concept of generosity and giving vs, receiving; we’re in a mindset of receiving. I receive the birds flickering by outside my window, this simple room, a slice of steaming bread just delivered. I receive the lighthearted company of new friends, a full belly, shivasana. In this mindset, we all clear each other’s dishes, offer to get each other a cup of tea, walk together in silence to 5am meditation. In a mindset of receiving, you have more to give.

Meditation this morning was better although I still feel like such a bumbling newbie in the zendo. Getting to my zafu I have down. Sitting for 40 minutes was good, I was on my knees and pretty comfortable. My mind was serene. I listened to moisture falling off the trees and hitting the roof. I heard the frog anthems give way to birds. I heard people around me sniffling and repositioning.

We transitioned into walking meditation and a nun had to redirect me as I was going in the wrong direction.

During the second meditation, I was more restless, I repositioned a lot to avoid the panic and impulse to run away (my teachers laughed yesterday when i asked about this and agreed that torture is not the point). Amazing how quickly my brain goes there when discomfort arises. But the posture clinic and the intense yoga yesterday have me looser, more forgiving, less perfectionist.

Then we segued into chanting and prostration where I was truly lost and a kindly older man pointed me to the right place in the prayer book. It’s good to be new at something and let the wise ones guide you. Lots of bowing. Glad it’s about the Buddha and not some weird California cult.

Coincidentally, there’s an SMC here who I met last summer. She is pregnant–after a failed IVF, she went back to IUIs. We keep catching each other on the way to meals and then get cut off as we observe ten minutes of silence at the beginning of meals. Somehow I think we both only want to go there in smaller doses, which seems appropriate here.

There was a yoga pose yesterday where we laid on a bolster going the length of our spine with the bottoms of our feet together and knees resting on zafus, arms splayed out. To me it felt like, “Here’s my uterus, universe! Ready to receive!” We held the pose for twenty minutes.

family, fertility, IVF, meditation, outdoors, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

zen

thesolomamaproject

Well, can you believe it? The Guest House has internet. So my pre-posts can now be posts.

I arrived yesterday afternoon, abuzz after zipping in from NY, unpacking, packing, and flying over the Golden Gate Bridge while talking to my mom on the phone. Arrived 10 mins late, only to find that time is a bit fluid here, the Intro to Zazen class had just begun.

Thus began my re-entry into the world of zendos, zafus, Zazen, and zen. The little mat that goes under the zafu also starts with z although I can’t remember it now…

Green Gulch Farm is a gem, an absolutely stunning property below Highway 1 and tucked into a valley just behind the coastal hills. The place could not be more green, could not have more constant birdsong, could not be any closer to the city while feeling worlds away from the city. The buildings are beautiful in their simplicity, with stairways and lit pathways forming a small labyrinthine village. The people in the office welcomed me and I could palpably feel that their pace was about one-third of my own.

Intro to Zazen was brief and covered the important “forms” to follow in formal meditation practice: step through the doorway with a certain foot, take two steps in and bow to the Buddha, bow to your zafu, turn clockwise and bow to the room, sit on the zafu without touching the edge where the monks eat, spin clockwise and get into position. It seems religious but everything has a function to help you be mindful, grateful, present.

Then we started with yoga class which was perfect for my weary jet-lagged body which has not really done yoga in years since I hurt my back years ago. We did resting poses, opened up our hips, almost always were laying down with blankets next to the wood-burning stove.

There are 17 of us. Mostly people seemingly my age, some a bit older, thoughtful, friendly. We ate dinner in the dining hall–nuns carried out giant dishes of food with brown rice, a tomato vegetable stew, and roasted zucchini. We chitchatted and got to know each other a bit, lovely people.

After dinner we did an icebreaker and I realize how many people are overly stressed at work, struggle to maintain a meditation practice, want more in life than a hamster wheel. The teacher had us invite people into the room who are not really here, people for whom we will practice. I thought of many of you.

I went to bed at 9:00 and it was perfectly quiet even though there are many people here.

Alarm at 4:30 (thank goodness I’m on east coast time) and I dressed in many layers to head to Zazen in the meditation hall. I stepped outside in the dark and looked around to get my bearings and there was the full moon like a spotlight in the night sky, it absolutely took my breath away.

I didn’t need my headlamp. Walked in, a nun showed me to my zafu, whether or not I did all the steps right I don’t think anyone noticed, and I settled in. Occasionally there was a gong or a bell. There was a symphony of birdsong.

I felt wonderful and proud and grateful for about twenty minutes and eventually my body started hating it and going into distress mode and I repositioned and breathed and knew I would survive. (I’m going to a posture clinic in 15 mins which will help.)

I survived. Afterward, rather than walking meditation followed by a second Zazen, I went back the Guest House for delicious bread with peanut butter and jam and chamomile tea and then headed out on a walk. The moon now hung pale pink in the lightening blue sky. I crunched down the gravel path alone, through the gorgeous farm with its colorful rows of flowers and leafy greens, saw quail, rabbit, a red-winged blackbird, some horses, breathed the cool air. I emerged at Muir Beach as the sun came over the hills, heading over to the little house I rented with my family two Thanksgivings ago, the first time I officially told my family of my plans to become a single mom.

Facing the sun on the way back, I walked a bit faster to make it in time for breakfast. Everything sparkled in the morning dew. I ran into F, one of my favorite people so far, searching for a very noisy woodpecker he could not see. We strolled in to breakfast: hot rice cream cereal, tofu sweet potato something or other, hard boiled eggs, and hot apple juice.

Over breakfast, I connected with L who has a beautiful Hawaiian name, who is a freelance writer. She’s actually here on assignment. I got so inspired talking to her. Let’s be honest, this is my passion. I just have to start navigating from here to there, and write more, and write all kinds of new topics and formats and just dig in. When we were done she said she’d be glad to talk to me more about it later and I came back here to write this.

From here. With peppermint tea. xo

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fertility, IVF, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

maintenance

thesolomamaproject

I’m in the Phoenix airport on a flight delay due to a maintenance issue and just discovered free wifi and a quiet seat in a dim corner to write. Let’s make the best of this!

My brain is fuzzy after getting up at 3:45am. Although I slept the whole flight here, I feel like I could curl up in the corner and sleep for another three hours. My appetite is a bottomless pit as it sometimes is when I have to get up at an inhumane hour; so far today I’ve had Greek yogurt with honey at home, oatmeal with nuts and berries at SFO, and an egg and cheese breakfast burrito at PHX. I text-waved to my uncles and friend V who live here.

The airport is full of messy, cranky, beautiful humanity in shorts and tank tops. There are throngs of people streaming up and down the corridor to the point that getting across to the restroom is like jumping into a game of Double Dutch and then jumping out again, requiring timing and strategy to avoid a tangle.

These days, staying productive relies so much on battery power. All my chargers are in my checked luggage, so I’m going to do some pre-work (read: handwritten) to make sure my laptop time is optimized on the next flight, since my sad battery only gives about an hour and a half. But, meanwhile, I’m just going to ramble away this half hour on my iPad because this thing lasts forever, and the free wifi is flowing.

So, where am I besides Phoenix… Looking forward to this trip, seeing J and my other work and non-work friends, walking in Central Park with girl J tonight, diligently keeping up good habits of sleeping, eating impeccably (or at least deliciously), and just enough drinking to reassure everyone I’m not pregnant in case they heard a rumor. Work is a tidal wave constantly on the verge of overtaking me, and I’m paddling like crazy to stay ahead of it. At the moment, I am ahead of it. And I strive to take it all with a grain of salt as I do my best and keep space for one other big notable goal in my life.

Three weeks to go. My last bc pill was last night which means the imminent arrival of what Olga insists on calling “menses.” Furtive Lupron injections will continue through this week as I’m staying with a work friend who doesn’t know. The day I get back to SF and head to the retreat, I’ll start Vivelle patches. It’s still feeling long, especially as I circle back on places like Phoenix and NYC where I’ve already weathered some stage of this process or another and here I am, back again with a flat tummy. Everyone in the airport has a baby except me. Just kidding. (But it’s Sunday, so not really.)

In truth, my attitude is pretty darn positive, so let’s not question it. Never question the positive attitude when it’s here! Seek out the good signs. Choose the better outlook and watch it take on a life of its own. Smile and lift your chin and take a deep breath. These are things we can do.

Maintenance complete!!! Good to go. Boarding. xo