Category: pregnancy loss

acupuncture, dating, fertility, IUI, ovulation, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

I heart Dr. Tran

thesolomamaproject

Today I saw the doc to discuss next steps, in the event that IUI#6 doesn’t pan out. He was handsome as usual in a wool sweater today, no doctor coat. He has such a warm and understated personality and always manages to work into the conversation how hard he’s working, but that he can’t complain because loves his job. (How often does your doctor tell you that??)

He mentioned at least every three minutes that I can get pregnant, and that I did get pregnant, 2 out of 4 tries (he doesn’t count the first 2 tries at PRS since he didn’t oversee them). I’m “batting 500.” Nothing is wrong, nothing is worth testing now. He also said at least 4 times how much he wishes that his patients didn’t have to go through miscarriages, but they don’t know how to prevent that yet, and it’s really nature’s way of selecting. He looked concerned and paused on the topic of miscarriage and I thought I might cry but then we moved on. I hadn’t thought about the lentil in a little while.

So, what does he recommend? He thinks we’re ready to move on to Clomid, which is a pill I’ll start taking on Day 2 to grow more, fatter follicles, like 2-3 would be great. 4-5 and we might wait until the next month to be sure I don’t have millions of babies. On Day 10: ultrasound to check the follies. Day 12: trigger shot to trigger ovulation (I’ll need to learn about how to give myself the shot), then IUI the next day.

The idea is that we’d have multiple embryos and hopefully end up with one normal one. Of course, I could end up with two, in which case you are all hired. I’m sure I would go ahead with twins and it would ruin my life in the best way possible. How many cycles does he recommend with Clomid? Only 3. Then IVF, but he feels strongly that we won’t get there (and if we do, I have high ovarian reserve, so it would be a slam dunk (my words)). I said that I liked this plan, and he smiled and said, OH, I have a plan for you and I always did!

It looks like I should be able to wrap this up one way or another by my 40th birthday in July, which is a nice goal. Dr. Tran walked me out and touched my arm as he said good bye and to hang in there. I wonder if there’s any ethical way for me to date him? (This crosses my mind every time we meet.)

Meanwhile, I could be pregnant now. But I’m only 5 days in, thought I was feeling mild cramping last night but it turned out to be gas (doesn’t it always?). Today, my digestive system is not happy with me and I’m on the couch feeling achey and cold under a blanket while the cleaning lady cleans and the city erupts outside in celebration over the Giants winning the World Series exponentially intensified due to the fact that it’s Halloween (supposedly there are a million people out there–my acupuncturist called to cancel because he can’t even get to his office).

I realize that ending yesterday’s post with a potential guy-atus was a bit incongruous after listing all that I have “going on,” even it’s a lot of dating busy work and no real results. I think a guy-atus is my way of pretending I have control (now I’m on! now I’m off!) even though I don’t, and of course I would be open to meeting someone great whenever. The question is how much energy do I invest. Maybe dating Dr. Hawaii long-distance with romantic visits here and there throughout the coming year would be the perfect mix?

As MMcL emailed me yesterday, perhaps it’s about accepting the pace of where things are at. If I think Baseball Guy should have called sooner than five days after a first date, maybe that’s arbitrary. Maybe now that I’m not seeking a babydaddy it’s time to slow my roll and just see who shows up–we’re not under the gun anymore!!

Two shouts out: The Solo Mana Project got two recent mentions:

  • On the SMC site it is the featured blog post this week! It’s from the summer, when I was prego, which is a blast from the past now but what an honor to be featured there, thank you, Jane.
  • On a virtual friend’s blog, Return to Go, I was nominated for a Liebster Award, which, from what I gather, means that I answer her 11 questions and then nominate 11 other bloggers to do the same. Cool! I’ll do this soon.
dating, donor sperm, IUI, pregnancy loss, privacy, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

more guys

thesolomamaproject

I’m in a t-shirt and yoga pants, listening to Aimee Mann’s new album (kick A), baking lasagna and peach cobbler for my long overdue rendez-vous tomorrow night with Ju and her three munchkins. I hear the littlest one is a cuddler.

The big headline in neon lights is that AF is back in force! After so many weeks of spotting, I had no idea when to expect her, and didn’t really think it would be so soon. I also didn’t know if I’d recognize her, or if she’d make a weak appearance and give me reason to doubt the true kick-off of a new cycle. I should not have second-guessed her. She reappeared like clockwork and set up house. I asked her if she wanted to guest blog and she glared at me, rolled her eyes, and went back to folding laundry.

Still–her arrival, oddly enough, put me in the best mood. It’s the end of a sad era and the beginning of a hopeful one and I’m out of limbo and back on cycle and I decided to get back into official trying mode this month.

I transported my latest guys from PRS to UCSF on Monday morning–a much different transport than the first time around (My Guys) where it was sunny and I was singing along to the radio and thinking about babies. This time it was foggy, I was listening to an audiobook about finances, and never once thought about babies until afterward when I remembered that both vials on the first transport got me pregnant, which gave me a burst of hope. This transport was three vials. Did I ever tell you that the SMC ladies call them “Pop-sicles”? I sort of can’t believe I’m getting back on this roller coaster.

This morning, I attended a networking event in which one of the panelists seemed to be speaking directly to me about my blog and my recent fears around the security breach and what would happen if everyone knew and was talking about this. The panelist said something along the lines of: “Speak your truth, and then stand behind it. As long as you say it with confidence and good intentions, it will never come back to haunt you, even if people find out who weren’t supposed to know.” I believe in this. This blog is my truth and my lifeline and I can’t tell you how reinforcing it is how many readers tell me, “keep writing!” “keep writing!”

I’m glad you enjoyed reading about the paramedic (with the exception of my dad who said it was a little more than he needed to know, understandable). This one is anti-climactic but I went on a date with a new guy on Friday night. I’ve been trying to find a nickname for him but am coming up empty-handed, mostly because I don’t care and he won’t be sticking around. But it was kind of strange–as you know from my last post, I wasn’t that excited to meet him beforehand. I started telling my friend M about him with, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with him.” which she took as not a good sign. He showed up, was good-looking, tall, polite, smiling, bought me dinner, and we had the most enjoyable conversation. There was actually a moment where we both threw our heads back and laughed and I thought–this is nicer than I thought it would be. We have a lot in common. After dinner we went to another place for milkshakes. Then I hugged him good night and heard myself say, “It was nice meeting you!” which in retrospect is not a super encouraging thing to say, or maybe it was my tone, or maybe I was thinking, “It was nice to have met you!” I went home and never thought about him again. Apparently the same for him as there’s been no communication. No spark! And no nickname.

The Adorable Disaster of many months ago inexplicably re-friended me on facebook one day last week. I can’t imagine what he’s up to beyond a game of passive-aggression and I will not be enticed into that game. I’m pretty sure he passed me on his bike while I was running through the park last week–our eyes locked for a split second and he was gone. Ignore.

On the bright side, I have a date on Saturday and I’m cautiously excited about it. This is The Artist. I think I’m excited because I know next to nothing about him and probably have filled in all the blanks in my mind. But we did trade websites (his art and my music) and admired each other’s work. He seems like a legit real artist who does paintings, sketches, fire arts, book arts, and also teaches and takes graduate classes. His students like him on Rate My Professor.

I should not blog and bake at the same time because I just scorched the top of the cobbler. Ah well… good thing I had leftover peaches and batter, I’ll make another one. Good night!

acupuncture, anxiety, dating, pregnancy loss, privacy, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

karma

thesolomamaproject

Last Saturday, the day after my return from Brazil, I went on a 10-mile run through Golden Gate Park with my housekeys, a $20, and my driver’s license in my little shorts pocket. When I was within half a mile from my house, I was suddenly ravenous enough to eat my arm, so I opted instead to duck into Falletti Foods, an outrageously expensive grocery with a buffet of hot food. In my delirious hunger, I grabbed a crazy mix of foods and the cashier totaled it at $14 and change. I handed him my slightly moist $20. He gave me back a $10, a $5, and some change. I blinked and walked away.

As I sat there eating my chicken & artichoke lasagna and french fries, here was the voice in my head, “This place charges an insane amount for its food. They won’t miss $10. I could give it to a homeless person. Redirect the corporate surplus. I should stop being so honest all the time. I could donate it to the Obama campaign. I could keep it. I’m sure it didn’t cost them more than $5 something to make the food I’m eating. But……..won’t I spend the rest of the day stressing about it? What if the cashier gets in trouble? What if it comes out of his check?”

And, with that, I finished up and returned the $10 to the embarrassed and grateful cashier.

This morning, I was running through my neighborhood and saw a BART ticket on the ground. I thought, “I should stop and see if there’s any money on it,” but decided to leave it and see if it was still there on my way back. Half an hour later, there it was. I picked it up. $13.05. The universe gave me interest!

I’m sitting in a café with a tall Pellegrino. It’s 7:22pm. I have a date here at 8, or “8-ish,” as I believe he said, which bugged me. I can write until he gets here which I will bet you will be in one hour. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being out of my mind excited to meet him, I am a 3.

Sigh. It’s been a wild week. Coming back from the forced respite from this project was a little tough, re-facing the reality of it. But, as my acupuncturist told me a couple of hours ago, why not just continue the vacation until my cycle kicks back in? I can’t really do or plan anything until then anyway. I like that. I’m still on vacation from this.

Coming back, I feel stronger. An unexpected result of this that I am in close touch with my anger. I don’t typically have a temper but lately I am on a hair trigger. Don’t cross a line with me right now, because I’m not putting up with bullshit. I should have done this a long time ago. Toxic people: out. Reactive, ill-considered e-mail, send. Insensitive post: unfriend. Surround me with love and support and otherwise I do not have time for you right now.

I had a shock this week when I met up with a friend who left my company a few months ago. Halfway through lunch, she says, “SO, I hear you’re pregnant!” I was stunned. I’ve been so careful about not sharing this with work friends, only the tiniest handful. I said, “Oh really, who told you that?” And she chirped, “Everyone!”

Well, first of all, I’m not. (Of course, she was mortified.) And second of all, it’s not public knowledge. I feel betrayed by whoever leaked this super-private news that I shared in confidence. I don’t really blame this friend, or the others who heard through the apparent grapevine. They thought it was public. But the floor absolutely dropped out from underneath me.

It dawns on me now (yes, now, 4 months after starting a public blog) that people talk. It’s human nature–this is juicy news to share. People love to be the one who knows first. Rationalization: I’m sure it’s safe to tell, I mean, after all, she writes it all down on a public blog!

It also dawns on me that I have no idea who reads this blog. I know who subscribes to it, but there are anywhere between 30 and 100 views per day beyond that. Are you out there, my boss’s boss? Hello, ex-boyfriends! Greetings to all my enemies, frienemies, stalkers, and identity thieves. You’re all invited. This is a public blog. We’re in this together. Please, please, please don’t F this up.

It’s risky putting all this out there, but you know what? This is my choice. This is how I live. This is so me. I’m loving writing. I keep a cozy loveseat for some of my favorite people in here. I love this!

I won’t subscribe to conspiracy theories… No one is taking this to my boss (right???). This post is about karma. I will be trusting and faithful that this will blog will do more good than harm, and that my readers will hold this information with exquisite respect and care. Lord knows, it’s done me a world of good to share with you, dear readers. The beauty rises to the top, the garbage falls away. What goes around comes around. I forge ahead with love and the best intentions.

And if you don’t like it, you can fuck off!!!!

dating, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

Obrigada

thesolomamaproject

This will be a quick post as I am in the Rio airport and boarding imminently! I entered so much personal info to get on the free airport network that I’m pretty sure my identity will be stolen any minute now… But not really (and no, I didn’t enter my SS#! Duh!)

I have a tall Itapaiva beer and the romantic Portuguese is starting to co-mingle with twangy Texan as we prepare to board our flight to Houston. I am exhilarated after our wild drive back to Rio and total success at every turn–nearly-missed exits where I blazed across 4 lanes of traffic, trying and failing to find any indication of highway numbers, and standstill rush hour traffic where teenage boys walk up and down selling snacks. Big Jesus oversaw us as we narrowly missed a bus trying to overtake our lane. We missed the airport, did a “retorno” and eventually pulled into the airport, had a complete miscommunication with the parking attendant and forged ahead anyway–ended up parking right near Thrifty (pronounced Treefchay), by coincidence. Car checked out and we were ready to fly home! Wheee!

Makes me want to keep traveling but, alas, it’s time to go home.

Incidentally, I fell in love today. I had some time to myself, sitting on a dock looking out at quaint old fishing boats and islands and calm waves, when this guy came over to chat with me. My flight is boarding so I will be short on the details. Sebastian. From Uruguay. We had this amazing 20 minute conversation before I had to go. I gave him my card in case he ever makes it up to California 🙂 Meanwhile he reminds me to keep my standards high, to reserve my precious time for guys who make me feel like THAT.

Brazil has been SO good for me. The beer is bringing out the all caps. If this were a travel blog, I would tell you all the details of delicious lovely wonderful Brazil. Instead, for this blog, I will just say GO.

Headed home. Obrigada, Brasil! ❤
And: one photo from our place in Buzios.

20120906-202752.jpg

pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

Rio-valuation

thesolomamaproject

I am blogging from a hammock, freshly bathed and slightly burned, watching the sun set. It’s my last night in Brazil.

Mostly, this trip was a welcome distraction. I let myself get carried away with caipirinhas, smoky eyes, and the perfect shoes. Capturing every picturesque moment on my fancy camera. Going with the flow with my Real World Rio roommates.

Losing my camera was a slap in the face: wake up! You’re only here a short time. Relax, meditate, Rio-valuate. Consider your life from the perspective of the southern hemisphere.

Buzios is a mellow beach town on the off-season, a good place to reflect.

Today, we stayed at our hilltop house with 360 water views on this glorious peninsula. We had the pool, warm sun, soft breezes, four iPads, and time. We all finally sunk into our respective quiet modes. I finished reading The Book Thief, a beautiful book that made me burst into tears at the end.

The tears have sprung into my eyes at odd moments where some tiny thing reminds me that no, that didn’t all happen to someone else. It happened to me. It seems far away but it shows up in my dreams. It shows up in Michelle Obama’s convention speech about struggling to reach your goals. And a Winston Churchill quote about never giving up on something you think about every day.

I can’t imagine giving up but it’s also true that I’m not quite ready for all the peeing on sticks. I have the sense that my body will time itself with my readiness, and, if not, I can always delay. I return mentally rested and physically needing to get back on the healthy train after all this eating out, full-on coffee, and several drinks a day. I haven’t even managed to take my prenatal vitamins.

I return ready to get back to work on Monday (crazy, I know). I return ready to date (but not the paramedic who seemed like a good prospect until he turned out to be really not), and I want to start really planning ahead: apartment, finances, career.

No, I don’t have to make New Year’s Resolutions in September. But I do believe I am due for a solo retreat. There’s been lots of chatting on this trip and I crave more silence. I am grateful to this crew, though, since I never would have made it here without them.

Tomorrow we’ll check out of this amazing house, do some last shopping and hit the road back to Rio. I am the only manual transmission driver. I love the wild driving, trying to discern clues from Portuguese signs, and breezing through, of all places, Brazil. A metaphor for life!

anxiety, pregnancy loss, running, single mom by choice, SMC

letting go

thesolomamaproject

After 5 days in Rio, my camera took flight. Those were 5 days of beautiful photos including Ipanema, Santa Theresa, the wedding, and Sugar Loaf today. It was a small but fancy camera given to me by my ex a year ago with the idea that we’d travel the world together. Looks like the camera was more destined for long-term world travel than I was…

Somewhere between sitting on the table at lunch and the cab ride back to the apartment, it disappeared. I realized it when we got to the apartment; it was no longer over my shoulder. I tore the place apart. We cabbed back to the restaurant. “machina? Clic? Clic?” nao, nao… Nothing. It either slipped or was swiped on my way to or in the cab. I thought about sitting on the corner where we were dropped off, waiting for the big-hearted driver to return with a wide smile. (Can you think of a more unlikely scenario??)

After we exhausted all options, we headed down to the beach where the bride and groom had been playing beach volleyball all day. They we’re packing up. I told them what happened, joked to the groom and his dad, I was hoping you’d be able to give me the phone number for missing cameras in Rio! They looked melancholy.

Fortunately, I did get a few minutes to say good bye to my friend, the bride, G–the only person here who knows about the baby project. They leave on their honeymoon tomorrow. We hugged and she said in my ear,”I can’t wait to hear your good news, I’m so happy for you!” and the bigger loss and hope and love and what’ s really important all returned and the tears came. I got to tell her how happy I am for her too and how much it meant to me to be here.

It’s hard to let go of all that we don’t control. It’s hard to accept “what is” sometimes, even when there are good things staring you in the face. Just hours ago, if I had tucked my little camera into my purse, I would still have it. If I had just downloaded all the photos last night instead of just one, I’d still have the photos. But here I am in Rio, without a camera, not pregnant, heading to Buzios tomorrow, the “St. Tropez of Brazil.” (don’t cry for me!)

It helps to remember that it’s just a dumb object. An object that wanted to live in Brazil. An object that is teaching me about letting go. It also helps, a lot, that my new friend A was standing next to me taking almost all the same photos.

So much hope lies ahead. And, for now, a reminder to be in the moment.

And a run will help.

pregnancy loss, running, single mom by choice, SMC, Uncategorized

Rio

thesolomamaproject

20120831-164453.jpg

Hi from Rio! It is SO incredibly beautiful here. We’re one block from the beach in Ipanema, I went for a run yesterday that took us the length of Copacabana, we’ve already had countless caipirinhas, fresh coconut water from coconuts on the beach, and every meal has been off the charts. Already looking into prices for a one-bedroom (anyone interested?!). When I ask, “Voce fala ingles?” they almost always say no, but they are so friendly and willing to play a game of charades with smiles and laughter. Today we walked around a hilltop neighborhood called Santa Teresa where there were bougainvillea-like blooms all over in red and pink, tricky cobblestones in flip flops, and views of the water that reminded me of San Francisco and the Mediterranean on a grander scale.

I just drank sparkling rose in a treehouse-like restaurant overlooking the city with my 3 travel companions. We’re turning out to be a great travel team. I’ve got the minimal language ability, P does charming sign language, K holds up Google translate on her iPhone, and A keeps us sightseeing where we might otherwise just laze around on the beach. As a toast, I said, “We worked hard to get here,” meaning the uphill cobblestones, but realizing that, indeed, we did work hard for the money, the time off, the prep, we are so fortunate to have this experience.

The baby project is so far back in my mind that I wonder if the whole story happened to someone else. The feelings emerged last night in my dreams: I gave away a crib that was meant for my baby and somehow hung from a high ledge wondering if I could keep myself from falling. Overall, it feels great to give this project a back seat while I enjoy myself and relax. My subconscious can carry it for a while.

I am showered for the wedding and have an hour to give myself smoky eyes, slip on the sequins, and buckle up the strappy sandals. It promises to be a memorable and well-photographed evening. I’m truly thrilled for my friends G and O, really sweet friends of mine, great for each other… I’m honored to be here to celebrate.

Rio-valuation of my life most likely to happen when we get to a sleepy beach town on Monday. Or maybe not even. I’ll just go with the flow here and check into my present moment as often as I remember. P just announced, “cocktail time!” from the other room, so… I’ve gotta go!

dating, meditation, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

and the winner is…

thesolomamaproject

I wasn’t so sure how my performance review was going to go today, given that I’ve had this very all-consuming solo mama project rolling alongside my formidable work responsibilities since the beginning of this year. It went quite well, actually, better than expected. I didn’t have to say I’m “going through some personal issues,” in order to keep the train on the tracks. I had the line ready (or even: “I’m going through some health issues,” if it was really bad), but I didn’t need it. It was a much more positive review overall than I expected, which is great since my manager will be one of my travel companions in Brazil. So now the trip doesn’t have to be horribly awkward with me giving her the evil eye over our caipirinhas. And we’ve agreed not to breathe a word about work while we’re down there = an awesome idea that will preserve the integrity of our vaca and friendship.

Considering the effort I’ve had to put in to keeping everything rolling without overly puffy eyes or sneaky non-drinking or coming in late or leaving early or making everyone wonder if I have a terminal illness because of so many doctor’s appointments…I’m going to have to file this one under Enormous Victory.

“How are you doing?” say my friends. Each time, I take a deep breath and pause. The answer is always different–depending on the moment and who I’m talking to.

To you, right now, I say, “Better.” It’s variable but there’s an overall healing trend, no doubt about it. I’m fine and then I sit down at a dharma talk and get a glimpse of the teacher’s face and there are tears streaming, streaming, streaming. And I sit. And when I try to open my eyes 45 minutes later, my eyelashes are glued together with tears. And when the teacher asks for examples of kindness, a woman tells a story of a friend whose neighbor lost her baby. The grieving mother was in seclusion. This woman’s friend wanted to do something for her, so she went around the neighborhood and took photos, on her knees, from the perspective of a stroller. Then she made a book of the photos of the baby’s perspective during his short life. Everyone in the room had tears streaming then.

And I came out feeling better from letting the emotions and thoughts and tears flow.

Later that night I had my first phone call with the paramedic. He really makes me laugh. It also turns out that he doesn’t take just regular old 911 calls but works “the baby car,” meaning he helps newborns, infants, and toddlers. (*sob*) We planned out the first couple months of our relationship already, which certainly breaks every rule and probably dooms our prospects. But I will still show up for dinner on Saturday.

And now I’m going to have cocktails to celebrate today’s City Hall wedding of dear friend B and his new wife, M!!! Love and blessings to these two. I am excited to see some of my oldest and best friends at the celebration.

Finally, the results of the shoe search. Thanks to everyone who sent links to gorgeous and fabulous shoes!!! How much fun was that! We’re totally doing this again.

J won with silver in the end. He said, “You don’t want to be the gringa in the pink shoes.” It was important to him that my outfit looked planned and matching, and I take his advice very seriously. Basically, he is never wrong when it comes to fashion. These lovelies will show up tomorrow. Cheers!

Image

pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

leaning in

thesolomamaproject

This weekend was the first time I didn’t have to keep my chin up. I kicked it off on Friday night with rapid-fire spicy emails with a paramedic from OK Cupid, a glass of bourbon, way too many Hint-O-Mint Newman-Os, and went to bed early. On Saturday, I woke up despairing and crying and disgusted with the state of my apartment, and then took the bull by the horns and found a housecleaner online who could be here in two hours. I also made an appointment for this Friday for a cut and color. Little by little, re-engaging with cleanliness and personal hygiene after a brief plummet. Teresa did an amazing job and I felt that between the stacks of pregnancy books and my puffy-eyed, greasy-haired state she figured out what I was going through and transmitted a subtle but motherly vibe in her delicate and thorough transformation of my space. Afterward, I took a refreshing walk through GG Park with L as the fog rolled in, took a bath to warm up (yes, this is our SF summer), and then received an upsetting and outrageous phone call which, due to limited emotional resources, I placed on indefinite hold. Then my sister came over with homemade delicious food and we caught up on Olympics gymnastics which we had both missed when it was happening and which is now fully available on YouTube.

I downloaded a book about first-trimester miscarriage from amazon onto my iPad, written by a woman who went through more or less the same experience as me from a medical point of view. In her case, however, she completely lost her mind–I am 2/3 of the way through and she is 110% cuckoo bananas. She is yelling and screaming at her husband and her health care providers, hiring lawyers to sue for malpractice, planning a memorial service–I mean it’s over the top and makes me feel like I really have my shit together on this. I have a feeling this is precisely why so many women gave it 5 stars.

Everyone handles this differently–I personally am trying to find a balance between honoring this loss while remaining optimistic and looking ahead and taking really, really good care of myself (which unlike the super-healthy habits of pregnancy are more along the lines of ice cream, cookies, and bourbon).

Everyone is saying all the right things. I’m up and down. It’s hard and it’s OK again. There’s the dark place and then there’s the growing hope.

I am a renewed fan of the expression, “My heart goes out to you.”

I posted this amazing quote from Pema Chodron on facebook yesterday:

“The next time you lose heart and you can’t bear to experience what you are feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in. That’s basically the instruction that Dzigar Kongtrul gave me. And now I pass it on to you. Instead of blaming our discomfort on outer circumstances or on our own weakness, we can choose to stay present and awake to our experience, not rejecting it, not grasping it, not buying the stories that we relentlessly tell ourselves. This is priceless advice that addresses the true cause of suffering- yours, mine and that of all living beings.”
(Taking The Leap)

Lean in–it’s so counter-intuitive but once you remove the resistance it just flows.

Today was all about running errands–got to have lunch w/ M before she jets back to Mexico, then braved Ikea for the first time in years (have you ever noticed how many pregnant women are in Ikea? it’s pretty much everyone), then saw my other friend M briefly and held her cutie pie F, then returned something at Macy’s and shopped for groceries. Check, check, check.

My final to-do before Rio requires some audience participation. Here is the fabulous dress I’m wearing to the wedding:

Image

No offense to this hot model, but I make a better hourglass in this dress. Now, I need to find the right shoes. I’ve been trolling on Zappos and there are a kerbillion options but I wonder if you have ideas on the perfect color to go with silver sequins? J said silver sequins but that’s too matchy matchy. Obviously, the sandals in the picture are just a huge missed opportunity. This is RIO, let’s go for it. C’mon, people! Work with me!

pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

M.U.A.

thesolomamaproject

It wasn’t a D&C but a M.U.A: Manual Uterine Aspiration = way easier, gentler, faster.

M picked me up and I was discombobulated, forgot which floor, ran late, really didn’t get enough food or water in the morning, M had to drop me off and park and then find me but it all worked out.

First, they took some blood to check my blood type (O negative). Next, I went to sign consent forms with Nurse Stephanie. Hilariously, she had me take one Toradol (like a super-strong Motrin for cramping), 2 Vicodin, and 1 Valium before she had me read the consent forms and sign them. I said that seemed sketchy to me and she laughed and said the drugs wouldn’t kick in right away. She described the procedure as being way easier than the dilation and scraping I had expected–this was just a suction process and 5-10 minutes.

I mentioned a last-minute paranoia of needing to confirm that it really wasn’t viable and she said no problem–we can do an ultrasound right now if it would give you peace of mind. So we did, and there it was, the same, and she showed me different ways to confirm–it now measured 5w5d (smaller), and no blood flow within. OK. I was ready.

They took me and M upstairs to a room with recliners and heating pads and warm blankets and let us hang out while my drugs kicked in. I looked stylish in a hospital gown and a hair cap and hospital socks and slippers. I felt comfy but not too loopy or scared. M was such a good friend to have with me, calm and reassuring. Lucky she could be there.

The doc to do the procedure was Dr. Huddleston who introduced herself as “Heather”–the doctor about whom I have heard the most consistently awesome reviews. She was amazing. They all were so compassionate–so sorry to meet under these circumstances. But you can get pregnant. This will ultimately just be a bump in the road.

Once I was sufficiently looped, they brought me in the room and there were 2 nurses with her, one who always had her hand on my shoulder. Dr. H. did such a good job of telling me what she was doing, what to expect, that I was doing an amazing job. I stayed very relaxed. I had cramping during the suctioning but it was not even as bad as the HSG test, and I kept breathing and had my hands on my abdomen. She told me when I was almost done. Checked the ultrasound and said it looked “awesome.” I asked how much they took out and she said I could see it if I wanted to, which I did.

So once they had me sit up they brought over the bowl. I will refrain from too much detail for the squeamish among you, but she pointed out the sac which looked like the skin of a grape. I said good bye. The nurses sighed.

They told me I passed with flying colors.

Afterward, I cried a little and ate saltines and drank ginger ale. I felt nice from the drugs and, yes, a sense of relief. They’re telling me I should wait two months to begin trying again, and you know what? I can use a break now. I’ve been pregnant for most of the summer and I could stand some big runs, new hair color, caffeine, and cocktails.

Taking it easy for the next few days. I have cookies, ice cream, bourbon, friends. No longer in the mode of blaming time-wasting ex-boyfriends of the past. Looking ahead.