Category: SMC

fertility, IVF, meditation, outdoors, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

it’s still my life

thesolomamaproject

I play Draw Something with my almost 5-year-old niece on the other side of country, and I’ve noticed that she’ll often start drawing something and erase it and start over and then erase that and then start over. She usually gets it by the third try, her human figures consistently tall triangles with tiny heads, two eyes, and one thin line making an upside-down U, depicting long hair. I think this is my third try getting this blog post started. Let’s stick with this one.

I had a productive day which started with a smoothie made of peanut butter, açai, spinach, banana, berries, chia seeds, protein powder, and coconut milk, and a run with my trainer at 7:15am as the sun rose over the bay. I was bursting with congratulations to myself for making such a fabulous thing happen–every time I actually get it together to do an early morning workout I feel like a genius for the entire day. I am plowing through to-do lists at work as the lists continue to expand. I feel mostly competent, sometimes inspired, frequently ineffectual. Tonight I worked till 7:30 and left the office with my eyes feeling heavy.

One burrito and one West Wing episode later and I am yawning on the couch.

A friend asked me today where I am on the IVF schedule and I checked the calendar and the answer was “3.5 weeks.” Goodness gracious this is taking a long time. I think time is slowing down. I remember back when everything happened in two-week increments, which was positively breakneck speed compared to IVF. One of my cycle buddies who had her retrieval the day before mine and did a fresh transfer will be 10 weeks pregnant by the time I have my transfer, if my math is right.

Still, it’s weird not to have anything much to do or think about related to fertility. I looked up at the clouds tonight and thought I saw the number 5. I want to mentally commune with them but it all feels so virtual.

I’ve made a whole bunch of plans. First, I’m going to NYC on Sunday. It’s a very packed week with some quite exciting projects in the works. Sometimes when I go to NYC I hardly tell any close friends I’m there because I’m so  busy I don’t want to max myself out or flake on anybody. Well, this is going to be one of those trips where I’m going to see everyone. It feels like a good time to just go for it.

Then on Friday, I’ll transition into peace and quiet. Last night, I started searching around for a meditation retreat for the holiday weekend since Palm Springs is a no-go. These are so hard to get in to–you have to plan months and months ahead. Seems like me and my friend KC are always deciding less than a month beforehand that a certain retreat is perfect and we get our hearts set on it and then by the time we call it’s all booked.

So, imagine my surprise when I called to find that they had one small room left, for me.  This retreat will be a mix of yoga, meditation, vegetarian meals (they are known for their fresh baked bread), long breaks for naps and hikes. Tea and books. Fog and trees. No cell service. 20 minutes from SF and folded into the wilderness. The perfect homecoming at a reflective and transitional time.

My therapist reminded me that although it’s a transitional time, it’s still my life.

With that, I’m going to transition right off this page and into bed. good night

 

 

dating, depression, IVF, Mother's Day, outdoors, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

mind/body

thesolomamaproject

Just a quick hi, how are you, and Happy Mother’s Day! I didn’t mean to not write for a week–and now the ‘how are you’ texts are flowing in.

I am great. Last week was an exceptionally busy work week and I came out drained at the end of each day and not inclined to keep looking at my laptop. I also was drained enough that I started moving away from things that have proven to keep me energized–when you’re buried, it can seem like more working more now will equal less stressing later, and then when I get home all I can do is watch multiple West Wing episodes to stay awake until bedtime.

I didn’t even realize how buried I was until I went up to Point Reyes on Saturday with MM for a 9.6 mile hike among the tall trees. My body said WHOA!!! and I totally woke up. Today I felt like a new lady.

A theme in my reading and radio-listening this week was the mind-body connection. There are many mysteries about the human body but it is well demonstrated that our beliefs shape our biology (e.g. the placebo effect), and our biology shapes our beliefs (e.g. mental clarity after a run). So why isn’t the whole medical industry focused on helping us feel great about ourselves?

I’ve been reading about childbirth, in part because it’s fascinating and in part because I’m getting my head in the game (with the hope that the rest of me will follow, i.e. belief shaping biology). In childbirth, so much is determined by how the mother is feeling emotionally and how that manifests in her body. Ina May talks about “sphincter logic”–just like the urethra and the anus who can get performance anxiety without privacy, the cervix can be shy. Scare the mom and labor will slow down. Tell her she is “marvelous” and stroke her hair and you might buy yourself a couple more centimeters.

Ina May says (and I’ll take her word for it) that a bunch of men peeing at urinals in a mens’ room will all spontaneously stop when someone bursts in loudly. Shy sphincters!

She also talks about a woman who had been adopted and grew up with the fear that her mother had died in childbirth. When she was in labor, her body was holding on to the fear that the same thing would happen to her–until she was asked if anything was worrying her and she articulated it, let the fear go, and her body let the baby be born.

I’m gradually making my way toward finalizing a four-week curriculum for gearing up for transfer, in which I am fully believing I’ll get pregnant this time. I need to remember how much exercise and the outdoors are my natural Paxil. Alcohol has the opposite effect (the anti-anti-depressant). Working extra hours is sometimes necessary but has diminishing returns. Thanks go to Dr. Hawaii for helping me realize I am happy to be entirely and peacefully off the market. Same ducks, new row.

In the coming weeks, I’ll do a two-hour psychic healing session to clean out my chakras. I will make an appointment with B’s “Mayan abdominal massage” lady whom I think of as “the vagina steamer” based on her description. I will write more (promise). I will spend time with people who energize me and avoid the emotional vampires. I will be driven at work and disconnect and recharge outside of work. And I will let my body rejuvenate my mind through maybe a new set of exercise types like yoga, swimming, and extended hikes in the endlessly mind-blowing wilderness.

Some Sunday nights feel like New Year’s Eve, and so be it!

Good night, mamas!

anxiety, dating, fertility, IVF, pregnancy, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

runway

thesolomamaproject

Over this weekend, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to how I want to spend the next five weeks before my transfer. I’ve been kind of back and forth on this. At first, as I wrote in my last post, I thought–wow, this is a long period of being “off the clock,” an opportunity to run, travel, date, drink, all the things I’ve been more or less avoiding to focus my energy on being healthy, rested, and positive.

After that post, new mom A recommended starting to live as though I’m pregnant now (which frankly sounded boring although I heard an echo of wisdom in it). Then my dad suggested that maybe running a race could leave my body depleted of energy just when I need it to be ready to perform a major feat. Uh, good point. Another friend C raised a virtual eyebrow today when I mentioned maybe putting my online dating profile back up, you know, as a fun distraction.

There were two baby showers this weekend, so I spent both afternoons with my SMC friends. After knowing them for over a year, I love each of them individually and would be friends with all of them outside of having this big thing in common. And having this big thing in common is so powerful and bonding. As I talked through the above considerations, more eyebrows raised, including eventually my own, and I started really thinking about what my goals are for this window of time.

It turns out that giving myself a holiday, easing the reigns and letting go of limits, is really not aligned with my bigger goal here. The few drinks I’ve had in the past week have made me feel foggy and exacerbated my allergies. None of the races I looked at are lined up on weekends that work and the distances made me anxious given how little time I’d have to train. I’ve stayed up past midnight the past two nights and still woke up early. And Dr. Hawaii threw me for a loop this weekend.

It should have been no big deal, let’s meet up for a drink. Still, a pleasant prospect of seeing him again, maybe despite all the poor communication he’d turn out to be great in person again, right? Well, after not hearing from him all weekend he texted me tonight, already back in Hawaii after “a whirlwind trip,” with no acknowledgement that he’d left me hanging on tentative plans (which, of course, were his idea). He concluded by asking whether I have any plans to come to Hawaii. Wow.

We are obviously from different planets. I didn’t expect much from him, and he delivered even less. He doesn’t matter–truly–and I am not heartbroken. I just feel the reminder that opening up means you can get slammed back down, and does it really make sense to take the risk at this critical time? Not that lovely moments can’t pop up at the most random times, and not that I don’t crave companionship, but am I really in a position to go seeking it? Shouldn’t my precious positive energy be directed at the basics that keep me afloat: physical, mental, and spiritual health?

I sense now that there is no spring break from this process and embryo #1 is counting on me to enter into my transfer as ready as I can be, with reduced clutter, minimal interference, a fine-tuned landing pad. Sound body and mind. Inner calm. Focus. Now I’ll develop my five-week curriculum around that.

I suppose it makes sense that when I realized that what looked like a longer-than-usual ‘hiatus,’ I would try to get ‘back to ‘normal.’ I think what I’m realizing now is that it’s not a hiatus, it’s actually a runway.

And this is the new normal.

IVF, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

FIVE!

thesolomamaproject

I just got the call from Lili, wasn’t expecting it until Friday!

I HAVE FIVE NORMAL EMBRYOS!

I’m so thrilled. I’m sitting at my desk at the office popping out of my skin I’m so happy.

There’s a clear front runner although they all have excellent grading. I asked her to black out the genders before sending the report, which she did, and of course there’s little edges of Xs and Ys sticking out from under the black ink and I’m trying hard not to examine this too closely. 🙂

I chose to not learn the genders yet. The cool thing is that I can find out whenever I want, I just have to call Lili because it’s all on file!

Today is also Day 1 as AF arrived last night. Waiting for my frozen embryo transfer (FET) calendar from Olga and then we’ll be on our way for reals.

So so so very much gratitude over here. Thanks today go to my body, Mother Nature, and the little spirit waiting to be born. We’re almost there.

See you soon, beautiful embie #1. ❤

anxiety, donor sperm, fertility, IVF, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

Day 5/6

thesolomamaproject

Just got the call after a loooong day of waiting!!!!!

  • 7 embryos biopsied and frozen on Day 5
  • 2 embryos biopsied and frozen on Day 6

NINE embryos  made it to the day 5/6 finish line as blastocysts and all are tucked safe and sound in their freezer! I have the grading worksheet and Lili says 6 are “amazing” and 3 are “good.” As mentioned before, the grading doesn’t reflect normal vs. abnormal, so we take it with a grain of salt anyway. But it can’t hurt that they’re good looking. 🙂

Biopsies go out for genetic testing tomorrow, and Lili will call me with those results by the end of next week.

Now I get a break–no news, no injections, no decisions, no stress, no phone calls, no appointments. Still recovering and tired from the retrieval (and the stress) but once I’m 100% things are going to get back to normal around here!

So happy and grateful and excited for all of this and feeling like those 9 embies are the beautiful fruits of our labor: me, McPiercy, UCSF, and my wonderful support team: you.

Hopeful that one of those  is my little person-to-be.

anxiety, fertility, IVF, outdoors, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

Day 3

thesolomamaproject

Yesterday, I was on pins and needles all day, fretting about the phone call and possibility of transfer on a dime. I stayed out of the house, keeping myself occupied from morning till night: I went to PA for coffee with A and her sweet 3-week-old baby L, then to SJ to visit L and her 3 kids plus 2 visiting to chat on the sidelines of her 6yo’s soccer game, then a walk and Salvadoran dinner with B–much processing and discussion and if-then scenarios. I’m lucky to have such great friends who are willing to hear me out when I am in that talk-it-out mode: thank you.

After several early-morning hours of online research to try to prepare to make an on-the-spot decision, the phone rang at 9:05am.

The nurse said she had really good news: you meet criteria to push to Day 5! (turns out the doc’s criteria was 8 embies of good quality).

Upon looking up the details, she clarified that in fact I still have 16 embies growing and thriving! No transfer today!

Dr. Tran called an hour later, also “very pleased,” and with a more qualified report: 13 look really good, 2 are average, and 1 is lagging. He also reminded me that grading is like judging a book by its cover: it doesn’t tell you the substance. Which is why I am so happy to be able to do PGS (Pre-implantation Genetic Screening) to tell us which ones have a normal chromosome count. We’re still taking it step by step. Which is why we’re not really celebrating yet; he said, “Congratulations, so far!”

I’ll get a call on Wed to say how many were biopsied and frozen. Genetic screening results about 7-10 days later. Frozen embryo transfer in about a month.

There’s still a long road ahead but the news couldn’t be better today, and for that I’m grateful. And I have my body back: no more injections or appointments for a while. Somebody get me a cocktail 🙂

 

donor sperm, fertility, IVF, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

fert report

thesolomamaproject

Your love and positive fertility vibes worked: Dr. Tran called with good news!

  • All 18 eggs were mature
  • 17 eggs fertililzed
  • 16 eggs fertilized normally

He will call back on Day 3 (Sunday) and we’ll discuss whether to push to Day 5. So far, so good.

Full of hope for my 16 embies and gratitude for McPiercy’s winning contribution.

Thanks for keeping the love and growing energy flowing to Sutter and Divis!

anxiety, family, IVF, meditation, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

retrieval

thesolomamaproject

Thanks, B, for your beautiful guest post. Thanks for keeping my grounding cord plugged into the center of the earth while the nurse was digging around for a vein on my hand to start the IV. And for reminding me to meditate when I had the chance. And for taking me to Whole Foods afterward. And for still being here in my apartment on work calls while I’m on the couch. So glad you could be there today and I love you, too!

This morning went very smoothly. I felt anxious–not about the procedure but about the numbers. I had slept fitfully, dreaming of accidentally eating and having the hospital tell me I’d have to come back the next day. I was sleepy, dehydrated, hungry. But it was a gorgeous morning, and my sister texted me, “Ready to rock.” She walked out of her house with both arms in the air in a victory pose. She seriously brings the positive!

We checked in, gown, hairnet, IV. The anesthesiologist was very enthusiastic and acted like I was an overachiever for having a good heartbeat and no obstructions in my airways. She said I’d go into deep sedation and if I was too conscious I could ask to go deeper.

They led me into the room, kept dim for the eggs and embryos which do not like the light. I laid down with my legs up on knee stirrups and the nurses said they liked my striped knee socks. I told them that they were from my other sister, the one not waiting outside but on the other side of the country, so I had my sisters represented. They thought that made sense on such a “good luck-y” kind of day.

The anesthesiologist had me confirm my name, birthday, why I was there, and any allergies to meds, and then I felt a warmth start in the center of my body and spread outward. She said the next one would be spicy going into the vein, which it was, but the next thing that happened was total sleep.

I woke up maybe 45 mins later feeling velvety. I asked the nurse how many they got and she said 18. I didn’t really process or believe it, given my hazy state of mind. I asked maybe one, maybe two more times. 18. Eventually, after some apple juice and crackers, I got up and went to the bathroom and had a big 18 written on my palm. So, 18! A big upgrade from the 12-13 forecast on the phone by Dr. Tran yesterday.

Tomorrow, I’ll get the fertilization report and will talk to Dr. T. about our next steps–all my options are open.

The eggs are being fertilized RIGHT NOW. Please send love over at Sutter and Divisadero!

I came home and the tulips had bloomed. xo

tulips

family, IVF, parenthood, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, writing

Guest blogger: my sister B

thesolomamaproject

My sister B came with me to the retrieval this morning and I asked her if she wanted to do a guest blog post. Here it is!

“Family is the most important thing,” I find myself saying to friends, colleagues and even strangers, on a regular basis in all sorts of contexts.  No question.   It was an honor to be with my sister K today for her retrieval, and to be the first guest blogger on solo mama project!

When she asked me to be there for her today I did not hesitate.  Yes, I gained clarity and conviction in making family a major priority in my life and schedule several years ago, however my strong drive to support K is as much a testament to her unwavering conviction and drive to create a family of her own.

One year ago we sat by a pond at the SF Botanical Gardens brainstorming on a name for her blog.  Her choice to write and express her feelings and her journey has been such a wonderful gift to herself and to us all.   What a journey the past year has been!  K has taught us all so much in the past year about perseverance, passion, and community.

She sat in the comfy chair at the clinic, with a hairnet and hospital gown, covered in a warm blanket, looking up at the nurse.  The nurse put the thermometer under her tongue and K kept her eyes on the nurse with gentle obedience.  She looked so much like a child and I felt a wave of emotion rise in my throat.  I took a breath and cherished the moment.  Her vulnerability was so beautiful and childlike.  She is laying it all on the line for her dream and she has been every day for the past year!

What are you willing to risk it all for?  What are you willing to challenge your emotional limits to create?  What are you willing to share with your community?

I am confident that K will become a parent, somehow some way.  Thank you to each and every one of you who is reading this blog, cheering her on and loving her every step of the way.  I speak on behalf of my whole family by saying that your words of encouragement, calls, texts and emails have meant the world to K and to all of us.

The details of our lives are different yet there is a “solo” in all of our “projects,” and journeys.  Whether we have several parents or one, several siblings or none, or a partner or none.  No matter what our lives look like there is a community, a world, of love and support when we open up to it.  K, thank you for following your dream.  Thank you for being you.  Thank you for sharing the journey with us.  I love you.  Family is the most important thing.

– K’s youngest sister B

anxiety, family, fertility, IVF, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

trigger!

thesolomamaproject

At this morning’s appointment, I learned that my biggest follies had jumped from 15-16mm to 20-22mm and my estrogen jumped from 2900 to 3500. Which is a lot. The docs say that’s why they check every day at this point, and I’m “ready to go.” I watched my giant follies on the screen, exponentially bigger than when we started, and all snuggled up together. Hi, girls!

Of course, I can’t tell you how many, because I was pointedly not counting. I’d say there are “plenty.” I told my mom today that I think my total letting go of obsessively tracking data was purely a survival strategy for staying sane. It’s working.

I told Dr. Fujimoto, “Long time, no see!” and he said, “We’ve got to stop meeting like this!” I’ve seen him the last 4 days. He will do my retrieval, because Dr. Tran has a conflicting appointment. I requested Dr. T. just because he said he would try to be there if he could, but I feel fine about Dr. F. Everyone says I’m in good hands, and I believe it.

Afterward, I drank some ginger tea with two nurses in the hallway, Nurse Stephanie came in and said hi as she walked by, and Maria gave me two hugs and wished me luck because she’s taking Thursday off. I seriously feel like I work there.

Next, I went through all the trigger and surgery paperwork with another nurse, Jackie. Different protocol for tonight: Lupron between 6-7pm (check) and at 10:15pm, exactly 36 hours before my retrieval, I’ll do my HCG shot with Follistim co-trigger.

Hard to believe that tomorrow I have neither a morning appointment nor any injections. And I get to see Annie and Sam Lamott on retrieval eve with my friend C! So perfect! (PS no one took me up on the free ticket giveaway, so I invited C who secretly wanted to go!)

Thursday, my sister will come with me for my 10:15am appointment. After that, rest. And really no running for a little while. My ovaries will take a while to go back down to normal size. Fert report: Friday.

I bought some bright pink tulips that were all closed up the other day, a visual reminder of my blooming ovaries. They are also looking just about “ready to go.”

I feel proud to have made it to this point. “Homestretch,” says B.