pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

leaning in

thesolomamaproject

This weekend was the first time I didn’t have to keep my chin up. I kicked it off on Friday night with rapid-fire spicy emails with a paramedic from OK Cupid, a glass of bourbon, way too many Hint-O-Mint Newman-Os, and went to bed early. On Saturday, I woke up despairing and crying and disgusted with the state of my apartment, and then took the bull by the horns and found a housecleaner online who could be here in two hours. I also made an appointment for this Friday for a cut and color. Little by little, re-engaging with cleanliness and personal hygiene after a brief plummet. Teresa did an amazing job and I felt that between the stacks of pregnancy books and my puffy-eyed, greasy-haired state she figured out what I was going through and transmitted a subtle but motherly vibe in her delicate and thorough transformation of my space. Afterward, I took a refreshing walk through GG Park with L as the fog rolled in, took a bath to warm up (yes, this is our SF summer), and then received an upsetting and outrageous phone call which, due to limited emotional resources, I placed on indefinite hold. Then my sister came over with homemade delicious food and we caught up on Olympics gymnastics which we had both missed when it was happening and which is now fully available on YouTube.

I downloaded a book about first-trimester miscarriage from amazon onto my iPad, written by a woman who went through more or less the same experience as me from a medical point of view. In her case, however, she completely lost her mind–I am 2/3 of the way through and she is 110% cuckoo bananas. She is yelling and screaming at her husband and her health care providers, hiring lawyers to sue for malpractice, planning a memorial service–I mean it’s over the top and makes me feel like I really have my shit together on this. I have a feeling this is precisely why so many women gave it 5 stars.

Everyone handles this differently–I personally am trying to find a balance between honoring this loss while remaining optimistic and looking ahead and taking really, really good care of myself (which unlike the super-healthy habits of pregnancy are more along the lines of ice cream, cookies, and bourbon).

Everyone is saying all the right things. I’m up and down. It’s hard and it’s OK again. There’s the dark place and then there’s the growing hope.

I am a renewed fan of the expression, “My heart goes out to you.”

I posted this amazing quote from Pema Chodron on facebook yesterday:

“The next time you lose heart and you can’t bear to experience what you are feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in. That’s basically the instruction that Dzigar Kongtrul gave me. And now I pass it on to you. Instead of blaming our discomfort on outer circumstances or on our own weakness, we can choose to stay present and awake to our experience, not rejecting it, not grasping it, not buying the stories that we relentlessly tell ourselves. This is priceless advice that addresses the true cause of suffering- yours, mine and that of all living beings.”
(Taking The Leap)

Lean in–it’s so counter-intuitive but once you remove the resistance it just flows.

Today was all about running errands–got to have lunch w/ M before she jets back to Mexico, then braved Ikea for the first time in years (have you ever noticed how many pregnant women are in Ikea? it’s pretty much everyone), then saw my other friend M briefly and held her cutie pie F, then returned something at Macy’s and shopped for groceries. Check, check, check.

My final to-do before Rio requires some audience participation. Here is the fabulous dress I’m wearing to the wedding:

Image

No offense to this hot model, but I make a better hourglass in this dress. Now, I need to find the right shoes. I’ve been trolling on Zappos and there are a kerbillion options but I wonder if you have ideas on the perfect color to go with silver sequins? J said silver sequins but that’s too matchy matchy. Obviously, the sandals in the picture are just a huge missed opportunity. This is RIO, let’s go for it. C’mon, people! Work with me!

pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

M.U.A.

thesolomamaproject

It wasn’t a D&C but a M.U.A: Manual Uterine Aspiration = way easier, gentler, faster.

M picked me up and I was discombobulated, forgot which floor, ran late, really didn’t get enough food or water in the morning, M had to drop me off and park and then find me but it all worked out.

First, they took some blood to check my blood type (O negative). Next, I went to sign consent forms with Nurse Stephanie. Hilariously, she had me take one Toradol (like a super-strong Motrin for cramping), 2 Vicodin, and 1 Valium before she had me read the consent forms and sign them. I said that seemed sketchy to me and she laughed and said the drugs wouldn’t kick in right away. She described the procedure as being way easier than the dilation and scraping I had expected–this was just a suction process and 5-10 minutes.

I mentioned a last-minute paranoia of needing to confirm that it really wasn’t viable and she said no problem–we can do an ultrasound right now if it would give you peace of mind. So we did, and there it was, the same, and she showed me different ways to confirm–it now measured 5w5d (smaller), and no blood flow within. OK. I was ready.

They took me and M upstairs to a room with recliners and heating pads and warm blankets and let us hang out while my drugs kicked in. I looked stylish in a hospital gown and a hair cap and hospital socks and slippers. I felt comfy but not too loopy or scared. M was such a good friend to have with me, calm and reassuring. Lucky she could be there.

The doc to do the procedure was Dr. Huddleston who introduced herself as “Heather”–the doctor about whom I have heard the most consistently awesome reviews. She was amazing. They all were so compassionate–so sorry to meet under these circumstances. But you can get pregnant. This will ultimately just be a bump in the road.

Once I was sufficiently looped, they brought me in the room and there were 2 nurses with her, one who always had her hand on my shoulder. Dr. H. did such a good job of telling me what she was doing, what to expect, that I was doing an amazing job. I stayed very relaxed. I had cramping during the suctioning but it was not even as bad as the HSG test, and I kept breathing and had my hands on my abdomen. She told me when I was almost done. Checked the ultrasound and said it looked “awesome.” I asked how much they took out and she said I could see it if I wanted to, which I did.

So once they had me sit up they brought over the bowl. I will refrain from too much detail for the squeamish among you, but she pointed out the sac which looked like the skin of a grape. I said good bye. The nurses sighed.

They told me I passed with flying colors.

Afterward, I cried a little and ate saltines and drank ginger ale. I felt nice from the drugs and, yes, a sense of relief. They’re telling me I should wait two months to begin trying again, and you know what? I can use a break now. I’ve been pregnant for most of the summer and I could stand some big runs, new hair color, caffeine, and cocktails.

Taking it easy for the next few days. I have cookies, ice cream, bourbon, friends. No longer in the mode of blaming time-wasting ex-boyfriends of the past. Looking ahead.

biological clock, breakup, dating, depression, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

into the waves

thesolomamaproject

So many people have let me know that they are inspired by my positive attitude, but let’s be honest: there is a huge negative attitude right behind it, two sides of the same coin. Most days it’s a choice: will you be grateful for what you have or resentful about what you don’t? Today the negative is overwhelming me. I spent the last two days with it packaged up in a little box so I could get through work meetings. You wouldn’t have believed it if you saw me: I was smiling, joking around, leading interactive presentations, drinking margaritas. I was surfing a big wave of emotion but always staying on the surface. I wasn’t even aware I could do that. It reminds me how many people are doing this all the time.

The very minute I was alone at the end of the night, I fell off the surfboard and into the waves. Today is the D&C. Today I just feel sorry for myself. It’s a big pity party over here. On top of the sadness of having a miscarriage, I am feeling the lack of a partner who clears his schedule to help me through the next few days. Thank god my sweet friend M is going to be with me for the procedure, and there are so many people there with me in spirit that it will be a very spiritually crowded room, and despite my negative outlook today I am hugely grateful for that.

I am so sad to let go of my ‘belly buddies’ as they continue down the pregnancy timeline and I fall off of it.

My dad has a strategy in tennis where he pretends he already lost and got another chance to win: pressure’s off. After weeks of anxiety and worrying and hoping, I finally lost. The thing I most feared actually happened. After talking to Dr. Tran on Monday, the conclusion is that nothing is wrong, we’re just waiting for a good match of sperm and egg. I had this stunning realization that this scenario is mirroring my dating life: bad match after bad match.

If I carry the tennis analogy through, I now have another chance to win. Which is true, and I will try again. I’m not giving up. I mean, I got pregnant 2 out of 4 tries and only started this in April–let’s keep it in perspective. All you have to do is watch the Olympics to know that you just keep trying.

In other news, the latest guy to ask me out is my friend’s ex-husband who wrote to me all about how crazy she is and by the way would I want to go out with him. Who are these people? Where is my good match????

At dinner last night, I overheard a co-worker (really beautiful, talented, sweet, single), say “Well, I’m 40 so I probably won’t have kids…” and I did feel even more resolved to keep trying as I nonchalantly sipped my first margarita in months. But this morning the disappointments feel cumulative–starting with the heartbreaks of my 30s, the BFNs, the poppy seed, and now the lentil. I just got a late birthday card from my ex-boyfriend’s parents…we broke up almost 10 years ago when he couldn’t commit, and now he’s married with a kid. Is there a way not to directly blame him for what I’m going through?

The Buddha would tell me to sit with it, all of it, and I’m sure that’s what I’ll do.

pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

bad news

thesolomamaproject

We started the ultrasound and I could see right away on the screen that the sac hadn’t progressed since 2 weeks ago.

I’ll miscarry this one.

The two weeks of emotional roller coaster helped prepare me to some extent but obviously this is big and awfully sad. This happened an hour ago. Kleenex still conveniently on the dining room table next to me from 8.5 weeks ago during the chemical pregnancy tears. This process is beating me up…the time, money, emotional wear and tear. But I did wake up this morning with “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger” in my head (no joke).

I wish I had better news today and, again, I am so sorry for dragging all of you along. I wish I could do this quietly but I’m not sure I’m capable of it. I do have faith that my body and the beginning of a baby knew what was best. This is what they’re talking about when they say it’s harder to get pregnant when you’re older. This is reality.

Taking inventory and crying it out. Love you guys. Thanks so much to all who believed in this one with and for me… my uber-supportive parents, and sweet A who came with me to the appointment. xo

anxiety, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

midway

thesolomamaproject

Hi all, thank you for all the check-ins. For lots of reasons, including the wedding, the business trip, and emotional processing, I let the “suspended” post stand for days because I am still suspended and that’s the bottom line.

However, lots has happened. I have to keep this brief as I am standing at a work station at Midway International Airport which seems fitting since I am midway between two outcomes without any definitive news.

Many times in the past few days, I have reached a crisis point of figuring it’s all over. It could easily be not viable given the symptoms that are piling up. However, the docs and nurses tell me everything I’ve experienced is in the range of normal. Or it could be a miscarriage. Either one.

(Warning: If you’re a guy friend who recently told me that he reads my blog but feels there’s too much about “the chemistry of the vagina,” the TMI starts here.)

Spotting started on Thursday night, which, in combination with my questionable ultrasound, plunged me into despair. Talked off ledge by R and L at dinner. I pulled it together and went to the wedding, where bathroom visits became panicky as tiny clots started to emerge. Held hands crying in the moonlight for 10 minutes with C and L before going back in to dance the night away. Home on Sunday, low point on Sunday night where the stress of my upcoming 6am flight was too much and I called my family and yelled about how hard and sad and awful this is. Puffy-eyed 6am flight, arrived in Chicago, went to work dinner, more clotting. This is it, right? Called UCSF answering service, got a very reassuring and nice doctor who said clotting is still old blood, same as the spotting…could become a miscarriage, but could be normal. (She also mentioned, “I see from your ultrasound that they saw everything they wanted to see, but the sac measured 5w6d so it was too early to see the fetal pole.” She said the next ultrasound would tell us everything.) Next day, I woke up with cramps. OK, THIS must be it. On the day of my presentation, awesome. Olga called and said cramping can be normal. Took a couple Tylenol. Haggled with the hotel for a late checkout (J told them I was having a medical issue and they nearly called an ambulance). J gave me an awesome pep talk that I wish I had recorded–by the end, I was laughing. Made it through presentation. Bailed on work dinner and made it to my friend K’s house for the night–wonderful. Symptoms slowed to almost nothing.

That’s where we are, folks. I hesitated to write and drag you on the still-bumpy and still-inconclusive road, but I’m getting so many check-ins (thank you!) that posting is easier. I know you want to know, I know it’s suspenseful, and I’m glad you’re there and you care. I am feeling stoic with a large dose of denial so I can get through each day. To answer the obvious question, YES I would love to get an ultrasound but it’s complicated on the road plus given the early measurements from the doc it could STILL be too early. So, we’ll know by Monday at the latest but maybe sooner. I appreciate your good wishes.

acupuncture, anxiety, meditation, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

suspended

thesolomamaproject

Hi guys. It’s been a tough week to find the time to write or even know what to write. I even have to make this post quick, since I have to pack for a wedding and jet off to work.

I’ll start by saying that so far everything is OK so far–I know my last post scared some people who had to speed read to the end. Everything, as far as I know, is OK. I am OK.

After sending a query back to Olga about the vastly different response I got from her vs. the other nurse, she sent this:

Hi Katie,
When I read the note it said intrauterine pregnancy but I overlooked that it said no fetal pole. It is still very early in the pregnancy so we should definitely have more information at your next ultrasound on 8/6. 6 weeks is very early and the pregnancy can definitely develop as time passes. I will keep my fingers crossed for your next ultrasound. By 8/6 they should see a fetal pole and a heartbeat. Keep positive and keep me posted. Thanks! Olga

Olga kills me. I try to have a sense of humor about her, but sending a congrats before reading the full note is not excellent care.

The day after my ultrasound, I found out my tentative business trip to Chicago was confirmed for next week and I would need to fly to Chicago the same day as ultrasound #2, as in go straight to the airport directly from UCSF. I knew that would just be too much stress. I decided to meditate on it at meditation group and also sleep on it. By the morning, I had decided to put off my ultrasound #2 by one more week.

I know it sounds kind of bananas since, of course, I am dying to know. But I want to go back when the result will be conclusive and no sooner–no more messing with my head over the chances of what may or may not be. My new appointment is 8/13 at 8.5 weeks with the nurse practitioner (and not the mean doc, thank goodness). Since I’ll be right across the lake from my parents, I decided to take the 55 min flight from Chicago to Manistee to work from their house on Thursday and Friday and spend the weekend here:

It all came together and I felt so relieved. As a final cherry on top: yesterday, work circumstances determined that J will be flying in from NY on Monday to assist me with the presentation–he might even pick me up from the airport. I’ll be surrounded by love and distraction the whole time.

And, even before that, a big wedding weekend 1.5 hours from SF with great friends–I’m leaving this afternoon for the rehearsal. And before that a lot of work to finish. And packing. These things woke me up at 4am and played on a ticker tape until I figured out the order that everything needs to get done, decided what I won’t have time to do or what will have to be put off until Sunday (too much), and went back to sleep. I’ve been waking up at 4am or 5am regularly. My acupuncturist can feel the stress and light sleep in my pulse. He is so unimpressed with UCSF care and wished I could get the second ultrasound sooner just to get my body off this stress spiral. But…it just isn’t possible (unless I can’t stand it anymore and schedule something in Traverse City, not impossible).

As with trying to telepathically detect signs of pregnancy, I am detecting signs of which direction this is going, and I’m not going to drag you along on that paranoid and bumpy road. The speculation is the unbearable part and gets us nowhere. The jury is truly still out.

My #1 job right now is to reduce stress where possible, be kind to myself, meditate at every single opportunity. try to make all these planning, packing, working steps easy. Decide what to not to do. Everyone encourages me to stay positive and I am really, really trying. It’s the biggest roller coaster yet.

I am a strong and powerful person.

anxiety, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

ultrasound #1

thesolomamaproject

Well, that did not go as expected!

My sweet sister B met me in the waiting room on the 7th floor at UCSF this afternoon. I’d been feeling mild butterflies and a lot of giddy nervous energy going in. Hoping and hoping and hoping they would see whatever they’re supposed to see. Acutely aware that I could be launched into joy or grief with one wave of the transvaginal wand.

B had me choose a random goddess card in the waiting room. I chose Vesta, the goddess of hearth and home, inviting me to make my home a warm, welcoming place including upgrades like “welcoming a new occupant.” We had a good laugh over that one.

In the exam room, B had me breathe and visualize my grounding cord connected to the center of the earth.

The NP came in and her name is Stephanie–the same lady who knocked me up! I thanked her. We got down to business and she immediately saw the gestational sac (YAY!) and the yolk sac (YAY!) and then said she’d come back to that in a minute… Then she probed around my ovaries and fallopian tubes to rule out an ectopic pregnancy or a second embryo (which were indeed ruled out–YAY!) and then she came back to the sac and got quiet and then we entered a timeless vaccuum wherein I was suspended in outer space with nothing to hold on to.

Then she pulled out the wand, notably before she had pointed out an actual baby. She explained that she wasn’t able to see the fetal pole, which she would have expected to see at this stage (6 weeks and 4 days), but sometimes things get calculated wrong due to natural variations so I should come back in a week. Given that there is no question about when I conceived, there is less room for variation, but she suggested “guarded hope” since she’s seen this go either way. She said, “I’m sorry, I wish I had more definitive news.”

I made an appt for one week from today (unfortunately with Dr. Fujimoto, who is famous for making people cry!) and walked outside with my sister. I was in shock. I was poised for definitive news! And this was pretty inconclusive and dire sounding. In the car, I started spiraling. My sister was awesome. She had me put one hand on my heart and one on my belly and ask myself, “What is the gift in this moment?” So many…. my heart said, “I am alive. I am feeling so many emotions. I am mindful of the jackhammer down the block and the bird chirping in the tree above my parked car.” Then it said, “And the baby is OK.”

I texted Dr. Beans, whose response was, “Don’t worry. Sounds normal for 6 weeks. We usually don’t ultrasound until 8 weeks for that reason.” HUGE relief, because Beans delivers babies and would be straight with me. I got home and consulted Dr. Google. Many, many examples of women in this exact situation. Some turn out viable, some do not, but it’s a sketchy week for seeing fetal poles. (From Wikipedia: “The fetal pole is a thickening on the margin of the yolk sac of a fetus during pregnancy. It is usually identified at 6.5 weeks with abdominal ultrasound imaging, and 6 weeks with vaginal ultrasound imaging. However it is quite normal for the fetal pole to not be visible until about 9 weeks.“)

I called my Mom and Dad and held it together for the first few minutes but when I eventually burst into tears they were like OH NO YOU DON’T! Have you read your own blog? You need to stay POSITIVE! They were tough love with zero tolerance on worrying–they made me laugh. I had a great call with also-prego L who also underscored positivity and faith. Then I got this email from Olga:

Hi Katie,
Sorry I am replying to this email so late. I see that you made it to your ultrasound appointment and it is a viable pregnancy! That is fantastic news! Congratulations I am so happy for you. Please continue to keep me posted! Olga
As usual, Olga comes in from left field. Then gay bf J texted to check in, I sent him the news about the sacs and he texted back, “Wonderful! He/she has a house now!”

Deeeep breath. I feel like I’ve experienced all of the following this afternoon (in this order): cautious optimism, empty shock, stoic resignation, waves of sadness and fear, a moment of despair, levity, relief, laughter, balancing on a tightrope, back to normal, anger at technology, fatigue, and now beating myself up for not staying more grounded.

So, for all that, Olga says it’s a viable pregnancy. So that’s worth celebrating!

I celebrated by going out for a $160 money order and passport photos for my tourist visa appointment at the Brazilian consulate tomorrow morning. I also stopped at Jamba Juice for a fancy mango smoothie and Safeway for a fancy piece of wild salmon. I feel fine. Nothing is wrong. B pointed out that if the lentil is due to triple in size this week, then a few days clearly makes a huge difference.

Please send lentil love!
outdoors, single mom by choice, SMC

it’s my birthday!

thesolomamaproject

This is brief as I must head out the door! I’m packing up for a potluck grilling birthday with some friends up in Marin that will look something (if not exactly) like this:

Image

I am so grateful for you, my blog readers, in the US, Canada, Colombia, the UK, Ireland, New Zealand, Israel, France, India, Singapore, Spain, Australia, Panama, Indonesia, Philippines, Switzerland, Russia, Nigeria, Costa Rica, Mexico, Greece, Croatia, Germany, Bolivia, Jordan, Sweden, Serbia, and Norway. WOW. Thank you so much for tuning in.

I am so grateful for my FRIENDS and FAMILY, who are just wonderful humans, so supportive and fun and full of love and joy and courage and authenticity.

Most of all, today I am grateful for the lentil bean.

Now time to party it up! xo

anxiety, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC

fresh air

thesolomamaproject

A couple of days ago, I read a post on the SMC site that has helped me shift into a more positive and less fearful experience of early pregnancy. Someone posted the question: how do you deal with the anxiety at this stage? There were many helpful responses, and here’s the one that stated exactly what I needed to hear:

“I had two losses before conceiving my daughter. The first was a very early chemical pregnancy, and mostly reassured me that I could get pregnant. The second was very difficult for me. When I started trying again I was afraid to get a BFP because I was afraid it would all end again, a feeling heightened by a well meaning, but poorly stated comment by a friend who said it was like my body was just working it’s way up to a full-term pregnancy, and each one would get further along. Any who, when I finally got that BFP, I had several people who were worried for me, and at that point I decided to let them keep worrying, and I was going to enjoy being pregnant for as long as it lasted, hoping of course it would be 40 weeks. That really freed me up to just dream about my baby, and now my standard advice is just assume that all is going to be fine, and enjoy your pregnancy & baby dreams, you will never get this time back and you don’t want to worry it away. If the worst should come, you can deal with it then, but there is no sense worrying about what most likely won’t happen, just dream the dreams you have for your sweet little baby.”

Assume that all is going to be fine! What a beautiful sentiment! I experienced this as a breath of fresh air! This woman is now a mom of 2 and considering a third. Inspiring.

While my anxiety has (thankfully) been minimal in the past few weeks, it does have the capacity to take me down the path of worst-case scenarios that begin with a right ovary twinge. Now I suddenly feel free to simply note how I’m feeling, keep myself adequately informed on what actually entails an emergency, and otherwise keep calm and carry on. And ENJOY it. Smile when I take my prenatal vitamin and fish oil pill, and again later when I get the fish burp. Marvel at my first-ever mid-afternoon nap in the “Comfort Room” at the office. Revel in the now-handful of friends who are pregnant right along with me (or are on the verge!!). Laugh about the hilariousness of inspecting your boob size/soreness more than once a day. Imagine the tiny little love in there, growing, thriving… It’s the road less traveled: assume the best-case scenario.

So, that is kind of blowing my mind as it extends to life in general and helps me have a happier outlook on pretty much everything. Also blowing my mind is a book called Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin, loaned to me by dear friend MM. Ina May is a world-renowned expert midwife who got her start on a commune in Tennessee. The book includes 200 pages of home birth stories. I am taking a break from reading to write this post–it’s totally engrossing, if a little dated in its 70s terminology, describing many experiences as “heavy,” “psychedelic,” and “far out.” Has anyone else read it? Powerful, beautiful, moving stories. Our bodies know how to do this.

After this book, EJ and I will trade and I’ll read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Believe it or not, before long I’ll need to line up a midwife and figure out at least theoretically what type of context (home, birthing center, hospital) I would want to give birth in. PS there isn’t even one birthing center in San Francisco, which had initially seemed like the perfect middle-ground solution. I’m hearing good things about hospitals here (set up like birthing centers), but Ina May is luring me home.

Yes, you’re right, just because I’m assuming the best doesn’t mean I have to figure it all out tonight, or anytime soon. Especially as my eyes feel like bowling balls in my head. I’m gearing up for my birthday weekend–I’ll be entering the last year of my 30s this Saturday! Then, on Monday, I will go to the ultrasound with my dear sister B to see a bunch of lights on a screen that will hopefully signify my next generation.

anxiety, dating, pregnancy, running, single mom by choice, SMC

le week-end

thesolomamaproject

Good morning! Since I am going to bed earlier all the time (lights out at 9:30 last night), the morning is becoming my sharpest time of day–might as well slip in a blog post.

Last week was intense. (not “in tents,” Dad–he will make a Dad joke and ask if I went camping). Between the two blood tests and the 4 days of work visitors and meetings, it was a lot happening simultaneously. I’m happy to say I weathered it–blood test results were great, meetings went well, and I got my tired ass to bed early each night. By Friday, I was toast and worked from home.

The weekend was lovely! Went out with dear S to an art opening, African music/art, and dinner on Friday. At dinner, I started feeling a mild pain on the right side. Nothing big, it just started talking to me. I soon identified it as my right ovary. What would be the job of my ovary at this point? Hard to say, but it started worrying me… I went home and read on the SMC forum that someone had just miscarried at 6 weeks. In the morning the pain was still there. The anxiety can kick up fast.

I drove up north to practice wedding music with MM, and fortunately the sensation tapered off throughout the day and hasn’t returned. So, great. Maybe my ovary just had one or two quick things to say. If it comes back, I promise to call the doc, Beans.

On Sunday morning, I went with L (also preg) on our usual run in the Oakland Hills! As soon as we took our first few running steps, we both grabbed our boobs and went “oooowwww.” A glorious blue-sky day, we talked nonstop about pregnancy topics for probably a total of 3.5 hours between the way there, the run (2h20mins included walking), and pizza afterward. Dr. Tran says to keep up the normal workout, so we did (with a few modifications). We’re both in great shape–would be awesome to keep up this weekend run as long as we both feel good. I feel so blessed that L is on my schedule!

After that, I had a late lunch date. Dating while pregnant! Still in the game! Don’t get excited though–lately the guys I meet online seem like they’re from another planet. I will be the first to admit that this is largely due to recent changes in my own perspective and less to do with them and their (seriously countless) quirks. While this guy was going on and on about himself for the first half of the lunch, I was more interested in this angelic two-year-old redhead with almond-shaped blue eyes at the next table over, and a 6-month-old at the table beyond that one. I’ll admit that I started playing the “let’s see how long I can keep him talking about himself before he notices he knows nothing about me” game, and was mildly disappointed when he finally did notice and started asking about me. After we split the bill, we ended up strolling a bit (my idea), which was better since I didn’t have to watch his distracting facial tics like flashing his lower teeth in the middle of a sentence–I kept thinking he must have braces or food caught in the sides of his mouth. At the end he said, “I’m leaving town on Wed for two weeks, so I’ll give you a call you when I get back!” Not a terrible guy, but…see ya never.

Maybe I am just not in the mindset for dating?!

I went home and shifted gears from Sex and the City to newly prego lady. I took a nap. Then my sister came over and did hands-on reiki on me which was very relaxing. In bed at 9.

I am 5 weeks 4 days today. Did you know that in the 6th week, the baby triples in size? That’s in tents.

Enjoying every minute!