Category: pregnancy

pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

more confirmation!

thesolomamaproject

The number is: 439!!!!!

Olga’s email:

“Hi Katie,

I just left you a voicemail. Congratulations your second pregnancy test is 439! The number went up nicely. Please call to schedule an ultrasound on Monday 7/30. I will be out of the office this Thursday and Friday but I will be back on 7/23. I am so happy for you! Talk to you soon!

Olga”

Today, Olga is my hero! In her voicemail, she even sounded a little breathless in her genuinely excited-sounding congratulations. She also gave a gentle caution that the ultrasound will tell the full story, the biggest confirmation yet.

This morning, J met up with me again for one more round at the lab. I told Nataliya that she brought me good luck and then she and the other nurse were whooping it up about their good-luck records with ladies and their test results. They asked if this is my first. I haven’t had that question before. Yes, it’s my first! They cooed. Afterward, J continued pointing out pregnant ladies on the street, noticing them now as if for the first time.

Back in the car and into the office for a full day of meetings. Right now, I’m on my way to a champagne and cake celebration where the champagne will merely wet my lips and I will claim to be on medication. (So far, I mentioned to one person that I wasn’t drinking and she said, ‘Oh, I shouldn’t either, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow feeling terrible.’–so far, so good on the white lie front. I spent my whole therapy session yesterday on my stress around the not-drinking-with-work-people dilemma.)

Tuesdays seem to be my mental health day, with therapy, acupuncture, and finally meditation with Beans at 7:30. I was hit in the late afternoon by an enormous wave of exhaustion that stayed with me until I was in bed at 9:30. This is getting more real. When I think about these hormone levels doubling every other day, it gives me perspective on the wild ride my body is about to go on. My acupuncturist told me to expect anything under the sun–but within 2 weeks it will always turn into something else. He kept using the word “dynamic.” Bracing myself!

As a last note before I go have cake and a teensy sip of champagne: I have a close friend who emailed me Monday night with this subject line, “I AM PREGNANT, TOO,” and in the body of the message, “Please call me, I’m dying, no one knows.” She had done her blood test that morning too and had just gotten the results–I was the first person she called in the world as she couldn’t get her husband on the phone! She did her follow-up test today too. Months ago, we fantasized about going through this together…and then we got pregnant in the same week! My best warmest wishes go out to my friend, her husband (also my friend), and your matching poppy seed! xo

biological clock, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

today in a little more detail

thesolomamaproject

The universe smiled on me by sending my gay bf in from NYC precisely when I needed him, again. If you’ll remember, last month he was here for the good news, the test, and the bad news. This month, he flew in on the same Delta flight on Sunday afternoon, I picked him up, and I said, “Let’s try this again.”

Somehow the gods and goddesses are coordinating his itinerary with my biological clock.

Yet again, he sat with me in the waiting room at the lab. I was called in by Nataliya (noting the “natal” in her name), an older Russian woman with a sweet manner and lots of smiles. I told her I was hoping for a good result, and she said, “God bless you. One woman came back here, she told me I was her luck.” I said, “Well, I hope you’re my luck too!” and she said, “God bless you,” again. This type of exchange never hurts.

After leaving the lab, we passed a pregnant lady on the street. I told J that I think it’s good luck, and after that we saw 7 other pregnant ladies. On the drive in to the office, a long, powder-blue 80’s-era powder-blue stationwagon nearly pulled into my path but stopped. I decided long ago, for mysterious reasons, that this exact car was a sign of good luck, and there it was.

I got through the morning, distracted, and around 1pm I went to lunch w/ J. (Did I mention we work together?) While sitting outside eating salads in the momentary sunshine between bouts of fog, I checked my phone and saw that Olga had called. She took forever to get to the punch line! Silly Olga! In the end, it was positive. A positive test! I pumped my fist in the air uncharacteristically. We called my mom.

Again, got through the work afternoon (it’s weird how you can just go into work mode as if nothing is different and then it keeps hitting you like a bolt of lightning), went to work out with my trainer/life coach, and ended up back on the phone w/ J on the way home. I said, “Thanks again for coming with me today, it really means a lot to me.” He said, “Sweetie, it’s only $300 round trip. I’ll be back when you’re looking for apartments, when you’re moving, when you’re shopping for clothes, for Valentine’s Day…” Could this man be any more of an angel? He’s coming with me to the blood draw on Wednesday morning as well. Fingers crossed for a doubling.

On Sunday, while spacing out at my kitchen table, I noticed some crumbs I hadn’t wiped up before heading out on vacation. Then I noticed there was a poppy seed. And a sesame seed. And a caraway seed. I lined them all up on my grocery list to show you the scale of my developing pod–seemed like another wild coincidence that these three (and almost nothing else) would be hanging out in my line of vision.

Grateful and hopeful for these next steps of development from my current early early status of 4 weeks and 4 days.Image

pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC

confirmation!

thesolomamaproject

Blood test HCG test result: 195!

Of course, Olga said some cryptic things in the voicemail to throw me off, as you might have guessed: “I would have expected 50 on 7/12 (14dpo) and doubling every day after that so…” (quick math tells me the number would then be too low, but I also think: wouldn’t it entirely depend on what day implantation happened given that these things are variable??) “…you’re in good standing! So please test again on Wednesday.”

Bottom line: the medical establishment has certified my status as prego and even congratulated me! I am enjoying this because it is real!!! And now I can tell you: I really feel it. This is happening.

Gotta run as I am still at work, but more very soon 🙂

donor sperm, IUI, outdoors, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

!!!!!

thesolomamaproject

I woke up this morning at 5:30am, at first light, thinking ummmmmm do I want to test? Because I need to pee. Box says 99% accuracy on day of expected period. False negative is unlikely. I’ll want a day up here to process the result. I am or I’m not–the test just exposes the truth. Time to test. Just do it.

Heart pounding, hands shaking, peed on a stick.

Pregnant!!! (again!)

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I looked in the mirror at my pregnant self and smiled and said, “I knew it!” Because I did. Pretty much the whole two weeks, from the IUI lightning bolt onward. But since it’s hard to know what you know in this process, I didn’t want to say anything until now. Now I have the home test BFP and will feel more reassured when I cross the 5-day hurdle (which is far as I got last month), the likely day of my blood test (Monday), and even more reassured with each passing day. This is a tenuous time, as you and I already know all too well.

I had foolishly thought I could go back to sleep, but no such luck! I got up and had cereal, made coffee, and sat on the beach in the sunrise, feeling grateful.

When I went in, it was still very early. I could hear that someone was showering. I waited in the kitchen with my stick, ready to spring the good news on my parents. Imagine my surprise when my dad walked out buck naked! He froze in place when he saw me and said, OH! Well, maybe I’ll go put some clothes on! A good laugh in what was building to be a big moment. When he went back into the bedroom, I heard my mom say, “Did she pee on a stick?”

They came out, I told them the good news, they hugged me, and then we all were wide-eyed like, OK! One step at a time! And then we went about our biz. (Pretty much. My mom and I indulged a bit in re-looking at my donor’s photos, discussing first trimester symptoms, and watching an animated video of implantation. Have you guys seen that video? Fascinating. Here’s the link.)

I keep checking the stick to make sure a “Not” hasn’t shown up. So far, so good. 🙂

I feel happy and cautious and happy again. One less exclamation point in the title of this post compared to last time. Focusing on reducing stress, resting, eating well. Tomorrow I’ll go downstate to see Mrs. John and her family, including her brand-new 2mo baby boy. More baby time can only help!

Thank you for sending vibes of good health and gangbusters cell division! I love you all for being there.

biological clock, IUI, outdoors, parenthood, pregnancy, running, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

vacation

thesolomamaproject

OK, that was a bit of a hiatus now that I’m on vacation–needed a break from the computer. At this moment, I am on the balcony of my parents’ place in northern MI and, even as we speak, I’m being summoned to paddleboard with my dad or take my niece to the beach, so much to do up here at the peak of summertime. But I’m taking a little time to write. I’m looking out at a placid Lake Michigan, one solo obnoxious boat breaking up the peaceful morning and buzzing around like a mosquito, a hazy sky and golden morning sunlight from behind me. A cool breeze. I dream of this balcony when I’m away.

Picking up where my last post left off. The evening of my IUI, I went over to the East Bay to have dinner with my friend C. Four years ago, we met on a Yosemite trip as part of a big hiking group, and I learned that this was her “last hurrah” before starting to try to get pregnant on her own. Although this was four years ago, I was already starting to have inklings that I may not find the right babydaddy in time, as I was then dating a guy not that seriously because I knew he didn’t want kids. At a party a month after the trip, I got a bigger download from C on the experience–she had gone through one round of trying and had just found out it didn’t work. She told me all about the national organization Single Mothers by Choice, the actual nitty-gritty process of getting oneself knocked up, and the onslaught of emotions following one failed attempt. I was fascinated and taking mental notes.

After that party, C’s journey suddenly went in a wildly different direction when she started dating the guy whose party it was, and after a few months they decided to get pregnant together. And they did get pregnant (on the first try), and had a baby girl. We fell out of touch after a little while.

About a month ago, I felt compelled to reach out to her to let her know what a big influence her experience had on me. Once I was ready to become an SMC last fall, I knew exactly where to go. She wrote back to tell me that my timing was coincidental as she and her baby’s father had just decided to separate (super amicably and gradually) and she was preparing to be a single mom after all. We started making plans to get together–lots to catch up.

Mere hours after my IUI last week, I headed over to the East Bay, and was greeted at the door by pretty little two-and-a-half-year-old S, who promptly looked up at me with wonder and said in two-year-old-speak, “You’re an angel!” I blinked and asked her to repeat that, and she said, “You’re an ANGEL!” Then she insisted that I take off my boots and join her on the couch for some jumping. According to her parents, this was not her usual drill with new friends, and I was honored.

Of course, I took this to be a cosmic sign. It was wonderful to catch up with C, to hear her whole story of pregnancy and birth and her overwhelming love for her girl. She offered to be a resource and support and I am excited to be back in touch.

The next two days I spent frantically preparing for the trip (mostly wrapping up work), got up at the crack of dawn on Sunday to fly 4.5 hours to Detroit then drive 5 hours up here. I’ve spent much of the past two days sleeping–sleeping in, naps, other naps. Decompressing. You just don’t know how much compression is in there until you let it out.

The big highlights here are my nieces, who are both nonstop cute and fun and fascinating: E is turning 4 and S is 9 months. E has taken to calling me “KK” (I’ve graduated from “Tata Hot,” which she called me as a baby), and her grandpa is now “Chatmo,” for reasons only she understands. S will look up at you and bestow a smile that is like the sun bursting out from behind the clouds. They are a blessing. Of course, it’s wonderful to be with my parents and sister and bro-in-law too. 🙂

Yesterday, I went running on the new Sleeping Bear Heritage Trail that recently opened up and is a big deal around here. It goes from Glen Arbor through the National Lakeshore land to Glen Haven and all the way to the Dune Climb. Chatmo was my SAG Team (Supplies and Gear) with water and snacks in his pack. I did 8 miles at a mellow pace, and we sailed along through the old-growth trees in the leafy shade and at one point a big deer bounded in front of us on the trail. She stopped and looked behind her and then took off again, followed by a dramatically prancing fawn.

I am 7dpo (days past ovulation) and calmly transitioning into the final week of the wait. I feel calm, surrounded by support (including my parents’ downstairs neighbors the W’s, my cheerleading squad), and that it’s just a matter of time.

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Happy 4th!

acupuncture, dating, ovulation, parenthood, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

heroine

thesolomamaproject

It’s Tuesday night. (and my sister’s birthday, happy birthday B!) I’m camped on my big yellow couch in sweats watching the last rays of sunshine light up the north-facing buildings stacked between me and Buena Vista Park. The sky is so clear and the days are so long…and I know from so many years of being a San Franciscan that big summer fog is right around the corner, as is, fortunately, my escape to real summer in Michigan. This Sunday!

I woke up feeling so tired… the weekend in Sebastopol was fabulous, the best kind of therapeutic girl time, and I returned feeling something like jet lag after keeping slumber party hours for two nights in a row. On top of that, last night I splurged on two cocktails which seemed like a good idea given that it might be my last chance for a while. I don’t know if it’s age or weeks/months of sobriety or my new focus on fitness in recent years, but drinking multiple cocktails once in a blue moon generally makes me feel some shade of terrible.

After a lackluster work day followed by acupuncture, I feel totaled. I had planned on seeing Beans at meditation followed by a drink with Ms. R (who is inspiring me with her optimism), but I just had to come home. At this point, I’m working to stay awake until a reasonable bedtime, like 9:30.

Three more days of work, and I am out of here for two weeks.

I found myself remembering vacation of a year ago, traveling to Alaska with D., meeting tons of his family and promising his brother that when we came back this year we’d be married and pregnant. Then the trip to Michigan where I took him around to all the beautiful sights and he was nonplussed and I was going out of my mind with aggravation.

Acknowledging that dating is not my priority right now, tonight I wish I had someone here with me. Someone who would give me big smiles and attention. Maybe it’s that I’m about to ovulate, but I’m suddenly noticing all the affectionate couples on the street, thinking huh. Remember that?

One SMC friend was saying how right after her BFN her impulse was to go online dating, and I said, “That makes total sense–you want to create love in your life, either this way or that.” Me too. What a waste that I am spending so many years as an impatient single lady when I have piles of love for the guy of many plusses. . But I am seriously out of ideas on how to find him.

The baby love, on the other hand, is a lot more under my control, although still not under my control. I’ve noticed that now, having once been pregnant, I feel like mentally I’m a bit more prepared for it to happen again. I can talk about “when I’m pregnant” and not feel like a total fraud. Still… I’m on Day 14 and so far negative OPKs, seemed like tonight it was beginning to change color (yes, I’m testing twice a day), EWCM (not that I’m checking), and I’m hopeful that the positive will be tomorrow. Perhaps it’s later since my body is probably reorienting itself a bit.

All this raging feminist debate online about “having it all” also has me furious–good, important debate, but disappointing that it leaves out single moms (who, ps, are the majority of families) and those of us who are resigned to not having it all and wouldn’t even tease ourselves with that notion. Add on top of that SF and crazy rents and me in a studio still doing a 1040EZ… You guys, how is this all going to work?

Over the weekend, I found myself peeing on a stick in Samuel P. Taylor State Park on a hike, telling my friends, “Please tell my kid how much I went through for this.”

I appreciate this quote of Nora Ephron, who died today, “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”

OK, Nora. After an ice cream bar and some sleep, I will.

pregnancy, privacy, single mom by choice, SMC

shhhh

thesolomamaproject

Dear friends! In my haste to post my news, I didn’t specify that I’m not actually going public for 8 more weeks, which may have been unclear given that this is a public blog! But, for now, let’s keep it off of facebook and any other public forum. I posted a baby-related post today and was trying to speak in code but I see how it looked like a green light. I’m out of town on a business trip and don’t always have access to delete posts. It’s really important to me that my work colleagues not find out until I’m ready to tell them. I’m typing this out on my phone because it feels that urgent! Thanks so much for your messages and more soon from me after I’m home from this super-packed meeting tomorrow night! All is well here. Blood test Wednesday, follow-up test Friday. xo

pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc

!!!!!!

thesolomamaproject

Last night, arriving home after work and then a nice dinner out with a friend, I sat down on the couch for my first undistracted moment in days. My nurse Olga at UCSF had emailed me at the end of the day, “Hi Katie,
I am about to leave the office but wanted to see if you checked a urine pregnancy test? Please let me know. Thanks! Olga”

In this whole trying to conceive process, I had not yet taken a pregnancy test, preferring to be informed instead by the arrival of AF. But as of last night, I was on the brink of the end of the two week wait, and still hemming and hawing about doing the actual test. Total resistance and paralysis. I talked to my friend C on the phone, spinning in circles about how my Walgreen’s burned down and therefore I just couldn’t figure out what to do next. She said, “OK, I’m just going to throw this out there and you can take it or leave it, but the practical side of me says: you’re going to go to bed, wake up, get a pregnancy test, and then do the test. Then you’ll know and can go on with your weekend!” Wide-eyed, I said, “OK! Yes. That’s sounds like a good plan. I’ll do that.”

I texted Ms. R: “Q: is it supposed to be first morning pee for preg test? If so, should I get it tonight?” She texted back, “I really think it doesn’t matter at all–you either are or you aren’t.” Right. I went to bed.

Woke up, put on my gym clothes, drove to Safeway for bandages for my poor knees, butter for a cookie mix for the SMC meeting (that didn’t happen), hand soap, and… a pregnancy test. The Safeway lady who opened the locked Family Planning glass case for me tittered as I reached for the Clear Blue Pregnancy.

I drove to the Y, arrived late, ran upstairs to tell my trainer R, “Give me five minutes!” ran back down to the locker room bathroom stall, peed on the stick, and, wouldn’t you know, it said “PREGNANT”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blink! Blink!

You guys! I’m pregnant! OMG!

I ran upstairs with the stick, barely hiding it under my arm, interrupted R’s conversation saying, “Can we speak privately?” We went to an office and I held up my shaking hand to show him the stick that said, simply, unequivocally, “Pregnant.” We hugged and jumped up and down and I cried and hyperventilated and realized I had left my phone at home (of all days!) and he took a photo of the positive test (so I could make sure I didn’t dream it later):

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I used his phone to call my parents who were out to lunch with friends, and upon hearing the news my dad characteristically burst into tears and handed the phone to my mom. My mom basically did the same and I don’t even know what else I said but ended the call saying I’d better head back in to my training session. They shared a nice moment with their friends and everyone was teary and excited (some who don’t even know me, including neighboring tables)…so sweet!!!

I worked out while feeling like I was having an out of body experience on the moon and then rushed home to tell my sisters, who are together on the east coast. I said, “I got a positive test!” and they were excited and minutes later one of them pointed out I had not stated the words, “I am pregnant” but I’ve since worked up to that and after some phone calls it’s old hat. (ha ha, totally kidding, I can’t even believe these words are coming out of me and it might be a dream!!)

Then, of all times, there was a monthly meeting of SMCs, including some of the best friends I’ve made in this process (JJ, B, Ms. R., we missed you Cr!). Ms. R ran outside to greet me so I got to tell her first, which is fitting since she has been with me from day 1 and a HUGE support and we are pulling for her to stay on my schedule! I went in and got many hugs and happy gazes and felt sensitive about those who have tried so hard for so long and yet it mostly always seems like it’s happy news when a fellow SMC gets a BFP (big fat positive) because it means that it’s possible and real and can happen to any and all of us.

There were two little ones present, a 2-year-old and a 4-month-old present, both adorable, and I have to say I looked at them quite differently all of a sudden, as if I’d never seen little people before. One of the moms teared up with happiness for me, someone I barely know. It’s just too wonderful all these reactions!

This afternoon, I’ve been on the phone and have heard of tears and goosebumps and happy friends and family…I am SO GRATEFUL I CAN’T EVEN STAND IT! Please forgive me for the public blast–I wanted to tell everyone individually but I couldn’t wait another minute, and I know I’ll talk to everyone over time, I NEED you all over time. You all have been so supportive and views are spiking today so I know you’re impatient to find out this happy news! So there it is! Holy shit!!!

A few caveats for the record: it’s early. Let’s be really excited but keep it mellow. I appreciate all your good thoughts for the little poppy seed, who, if all goes well, will arrive in February 2013.

Love and gratitude and more love and happiness and shocked elation from me to you and on behalf of me and the little poppy seed. More soon xo

Mother's Day, parenthood, pregnancy, single mom by choice, SMC, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait

Happy Mama’s Day!

thesolomamaproject

Happy Mother’s Day to all you Moms! You make the world go around, you know that, right? The celebrations probably never go quite as smoothly as if you’d planned them yourself, but I hope you get a glimmer of how appreciated you are today even if the rest of us stumble a bit trying to express our gratitude for how generous you are with your time, energy, and love.

A friend of mine posted on FB: “I can’t believe that my teenage daughter had the nerve to say there should be a ‘Daughter’s Day.’ And she was serious!”

My own Mom inspires me to want to be a Mom. When she gave birth the first time, she was 30 years old and had been married to my Dad for a few years. I hope she’s OK with me telling you that for the first half of her pregnancy, she didn’t realize she was pregnant. She was already having irregular cycles, then thought she was putting weight on in the middle. That was me! She finally went to the doctor, and the famous line is, “Congratulations, Mrs. C., you’re four and a half months pregnant!” So, let’s just say it was an easy pregnancy. (noted!)

My Mom talks about becoming a Mom as an event that changed her life in an instant, bringing this new all-consuming love and absolute thrill and awe to meet this new little person. (PS my Dad says the same thing but we’ll give him his turn on Father’s Day :)) She describes the process of going into labor with this tone of woman’s-wisdom; she finished up lesson plans as my dad ran up and down the stairs saying, “we should go we should go weshouldgo!” Even though it was her first birth, she had a sense of calm. In the hospital, she had a bunch of student observers–she shook their hands wearing nothing but socks, and the doctor had a tee time or something so he ended up pulling me out with forceps (a sign of the times). Healthy first-born baby girl!

My Mom recalls sitting in the light yellow La-Z-Boy chair in the living room of our little house in the middle of the night, breastfeeding each of her babies, with the streetlight flowing in the window and just feeling so content with life.

Through my childhood, my Mom was the superhero the job requires–a working mother who pursued a career she loved but also arranged for a flexible schedule so that we always had a parent at home when we got home from school. We had various college student babysitters to fill in the gaps but my parents were a.r.o.u.n.d. Which tends to nip any brewing mischief in the bud. The huge bulk of the household chores–cooking, cleaning, laundry–fell to my Mom and we were generally very unhelpful and ungrateful–she took the lion’s share because she wanted us to have time to do our homework. When Mom went to a conference about once a year, all hell broke loose (no offense, Dad) and we really could not function without the sun in the center of our solar system.

I remember being a teenager and writing an angsty poem about my Mom in which I invented fictional clashes since that seemed like the thing to do. The fact is, I really always liked her. As anyone knows who has met my Mom, she is one of the most generous and caring people on the planet. She got to channel this nurturing energy into her career as a teacher working primarily with kids who were struggling with various problems like ADD, learning disabilities, problems at home, or not speaking English. She customized ways to connect with each of them. She more than meets people halfway and I got this from her. We both need to reign it in sometimes and direct more of that nurturing energy to ourselves (says the next generation version 2.0 after years of therapy!)…but, that’s how it goes: your weaknesses are your strengths turned up a little too high. And it’s a beautiful strength!!

Today, my Mom is one of my best friends. The major differences from a regular friendship are that a) she gave birth to me, b) she’s known me since then, and c) I wait about half a day longer to tell her something that might worry her. Otherwise, the open communication that she (and my Dad) fostered throughout our childhoods, which I credit with keeping us generally on a positive and productive track, continues to this day.

Now that my parents have iPhones, every call goes onto speakerphone within about 10 seconds so that I’m talking to them both. Lately, they say in singsong, “We’re enjoying your blog!!!!” They have supported me through every step of this process. From the day my Mom noticed prenatal vitamins in my apartment, her only struggle has been to contain her boundless joy. I know she is beside herself knowing that I am on the verge of experiencing the magic that changed her life–and then we’ll share it. And my kid will have a Mimi!

I love you, Mom!!

PS Sharing a photo of my Mom–just came in via text from my Dad as I finished this post. She’s got the purse my sisters and I sent for Mother’s Day. I know I’m on the edge of being not-so-anonymous but so be it! Lookin good!!!Image

PPS Day 28: No AF. Temp at 97.4. Hasta mañana!