I didn’t test today. Probably will tomorrow. Not excited about seeing two words, so today I’m just putting it on pause and enjoying the day with my family in the big, sunny city. More later.
Category: Uncategorized
Day 2
This update is overdue but I truly didn’t have a free moment until now. AF arrived within less than an hour after the negative test, so it was pretty rapid fire for me. Thanks for milking that sliver of hope, and for all the good wishes, which I really needed. I got an email today from a stranger who’s been reading the blog, and she told me exactly what I needed to hear. What a blessing this blog is, and this community, and this journey.
I’ve been unresponsive to your sweet comments/texts/emails and will catch up when I get home this weekend. Meanwhile, thank you.
I’m not giving up, but I am letting go. My sister reminds me that I am living fully, I am walking in the fire. I feel my resistance of what is, my rejecting of reality, and I try to let it be. My journey is my own, and this is exactly where I am.
It hurts, but I do bounce back. On one hand, I am stronger. On the other hand, the disappointments are cumulative.
These occurrences tend to fall on intense work weeks, so I just launch into that and pretty much ride it out. And it’s true that I was clutching a bottle of Maker’s Mark last night on the couch until quite late.
Today I put all the logistics together for cycle #9, including starting on the Clomid tonight. Olga said, “I’m so sorry you’re not pregnant.”
As J would say, “What else we can do?”
two words
“Not pregnant”…is what the stick says. It’s really early in the morning and I am exhausted but I don’t feel anything really, just feel stunned. I always try to prepare for the negative (and the positive) but sometimes you just think you know. And I’ve never gotten to the point of testing (14dpo) w/o getting a positive test.
A is also up this early, so I walked down the hallway to whisper, “I’m not pregnant.” Without missing a beat, she said “yet.” (She tested negative at 14dpo when she was pregnant with her daughter–positive 3 days later.)
Man. I’m running on little sleep and have more presentations today. Back to coffee. But I’ll hold out a sliver of hope until AF arrives.
Since I wrote that, I sat here for a minute and the sliver of hope melted a little.This happens, and then I feel like I need to change something major. Cutting bangs didn’t really do the trick. I feel like I keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome–the definition of insanity AND ttc.
I bought up the rest of McPiercy’s inventory last week, so I do have a faint memory of being committed to this for the long haul.
Until AF arrives (or a miracle late positive test), I can’t really get on with it. Meanwhile, I have business trip just about 16 days from now that has to be at least 36 hrs. So there are some uncertainties about #9.
Wishing I could just go back to bed but here I go: must keep moving forward. More when I am not so out of it.
.
tick tick tick
Hi, friends. I have been away from the blog, covering many road miles in the winter wonderland of Michigan. First, I flew to Detroit and then drove up north to spend a restful and lovely weekend with my parents, where the fluffy snow piled higher with each day and the sun occasionally cast its light across the blinding white. I love spending time with them and being in the gorgeous north, and constantly try to elongate the minutes while I’m there.
Drove downstate last night, arriving at A’s just as the power came back on at the Superbowl. Even though I’m here for work, leaving early and getting back late, she and her family make me feel welcome to do my thing and spend time together when possible. I have the whole basement as a guest room. Soooo exponentially much better than a hotel, I’m just grateful they seem to like having me around. Right now A is making us popcorn while I tap away on my laptop.
I continue to feel happy and mellow although this is a super hectic trip and I have a huge presentation tomorrow afternoon. I actually need to work on it but wanted to provide an update as it’s been a few days…
The update is that I am still waiting, and will test on Wednesday. The wait has been the most peaceful yet. I know I can’t be in blissful ignorance forever.The suspension between a positive and a negative used to drive me crazy, and now it feels nice.
So, I’ll be hectic and working and driving all around lower Michigan while I enjoy the maybe-ness of it.
More when my uterus sends word.
8 mins of writing
I’m on the flight to Philly with 8 minutes before my laptop battery is out of juice, so this will be a stream of consciousness post as long as I manage to hit “Publish” before the last second.
I don’t know quite exactly how to write about the last 48 hours except to say that despite lack of sleep, frenetic prepping for the trip, and tons of errands, I left SF rested and peaceful feeling on top of everything.
The Moroccan insisted on driving me to the airport at the crack of dawn. We left later than I meant to and then flew threw the streets of the Mission as the sun rose in pink streaks across the Eastern sky.
I’ve spent a lot of time with him over the past couple of days. Again, leaving feels better than it did in the past, gives me a chance to be me and do my thing.
In “Wild” she talks about how on the trail, being alone became almost a place where she could go. A place she needed to go. That resonates with me right now. The impulse to merge with him is there but so is my self-awareness of what is truly good for me.
I woke from a dream where I was holding a tiny, sick baby in the hospital–not mine, someone else’s baby who needed holding–and giving her so much love…to find him sleeping next to me.
My therapist says I’m doing “a very good job of dating mindfully.”
I’ll be at a conference w/ limited time so I’ll check back in around the weekend. Love to everyone I’m flying over today xo
Rio
Hi from Rio! It is SO incredibly beautiful here. We’re one block from the beach in Ipanema, I went for a run yesterday that took us the length of Copacabana, we’ve already had countless caipirinhas, fresh coconut water from coconuts on the beach, and every meal has been off the charts. Already looking into prices for a one-bedroom (anyone interested?!). When I ask, “Voce fala ingles?” they almost always say no, but they are so friendly and willing to play a game of charades with smiles and laughter. Today we walked around a hilltop neighborhood called Santa Teresa where there were bougainvillea-like blooms all over in red and pink, tricky cobblestones in flip flops, and views of the water that reminded me of San Francisco and the Mediterranean on a grander scale.
I just drank sparkling rose in a treehouse-like restaurant overlooking the city with my 3 travel companions. We’re turning out to be a great travel team. I’ve got the minimal language ability, P does charming sign language, K holds up Google translate on her iPhone, and A keeps us sightseeing where we might otherwise just laze around on the beach. As a toast, I said, “We worked hard to get here,” meaning the uphill cobblestones, but realizing that, indeed, we did work hard for the money, the time off, the prep, we are so fortunate to have this experience.
The baby project is so far back in my mind that I wonder if the whole story happened to someone else. The feelings emerged last night in my dreams: I gave away a crib that was meant for my baby and somehow hung from a high ledge wondering if I could keep myself from falling. Overall, it feels great to give this project a back seat while I enjoy myself and relax. My subconscious can carry it for a while.
I am showered for the wedding and have an hour to give myself smoky eyes, slip on the sequins, and buckle up the strappy sandals. It promises to be a memorable and well-photographed evening. I’m truly thrilled for my friends G and O, really sweet friends of mine, great for each other… I’m honored to be here to celebrate.
Rio-valuation of my life most likely to happen when we get to a sleepy beach town on Monday. Or maybe not even. I’ll just go with the flow here and check into my present moment as often as I remember. P just announced, “cocktail time!” from the other room, so… I’ve gotta go!
hives
What a crazy few days. The HSG test kicked it off. I could give you the play by play, but I don’t really want to put you through it, and I don’t want to scare the daylights out of anyone who still has to get that test in the future. But OMG! It hurt so bad!! I don’t know why it was so painful for me, but let’s say that my innards were most displeased with the experience.
The next day, I worked from home and screwed up my Day 10 ovulation test. I had planned to test at 2pm after not-peeing since 10 (the test requires that you not pee for 4 hours beforehand, inhumane as it may be for a well-hydrated and active young woman). But I forgot and peed at noon. Realized it, and recalculated for a 4pm test, made it to 3pm and couldn’t hold it any longer. Did the test. Left on the sink and totally forgot about it until I returned 2 hours later to discover the screen blank. I pulled out the stick, clicked it back in and poof: a smiley face. WTF!
I tested again on the spot, negative. Tested again 4 hours later: negative. Tested first thing this morning: negative. Then I broke out in hives.
At first, I thought a mosquito must have gotten into my bed during the night because I itched all over. Then I got a look at myself in the sunlight: raised, welt-like bumps on my knees, elbows, thighs, my belly-button, neck, and a sprinkle everywhere else as well. Once I identified it as hives, I felt OK. I got some Benadryl, which took care of it quickly. But whenever the Benadryl wears off, they come back. Watching them come and go is kind of mesmerizing, like watching the sun set. You take your eye off of it and next time it’s in a different formation.
I managed to hold it from 9am until 1pm today (including a noon run with a pooched-out bladder) and tested: negative. Got a call back from the UCSF nurse responding to my email: we’re going to consider that a negative. You can’t leave the test for that long and trust the result. OK. Phew. Ovulation is still to come. (probably in about 4 days)
I had another well-timed acupuncture appointment at 5pm. This is the kind of medical mystery where I much prefer my acupuncturist over any other type of doctor. He said there is no question that my body is reacting to the trauma of the HSG test by cranking up its immune response. Those muscles and tissues are very sensitive and it just isn’t normal to have your plumbing tinkered with in that way. My body clearly was on the hating-it end of the continuum and needed and deserved some de-stressing. Time to relax and take it easy.
I facetiously posted on FB today, “I’ve been using ‘That makes me break out in hives” figuratively too often and now I’m actually breaking out in hives.” I’m reminded of a story my sister told me about a woman who said for weeks, “I need a break, I need a break” and ended up breaking her ankle. The words we choose can influence our reality.
So here are some carefully-chosen words:
As I sit here on my big yellow couch under a grandma-knit blanket with my fizzy water listening to an intermittent foghorn out on the bay, I think to myself: “This makes me break out in love, wellness, peace, contentment, gratitude, and a healing little hug for my lady parts.”
joy
I’m staying with my sister and her family on the east coast, immersed for just a few days in family action starting at 7:15 this morning (yes, that is 4:15am San Francisco time)–my standing early morning wake-up call/snuggle time with my nieces. My sister and her husband have two girls: one is 3.5yo, the other is 6 months. They’re mesmerizingly cute, and I say that as their aunt but they really are objectively adorable (trust me!). They’re obviously at very different stages of development but both exhibit mega-smarts, crazy sweetness, and lighthearted spirits. They are my first and only nieces and amazing little humans whom I adore.
Given that I’m in the process of trying to get pregnant, I’m watching the household play-by-play with intensity. It’s impossible to know what it’s like to be a parent until you’re a parent, and this type of visit is about as close as I can get. My mom often introduces herself to our friends as, “The Mom” and I often wonder how vastly different it will feel to be “The Mom” vs. the babysitter, nanny, “auntie,” or actual aunt.
My sister and bro-in-law do an amazing job and make it look easy, but MAN it’s a lot of work.
I basically played all day with the girls but not without two additional adults doing constant laundry, changing diapers, cooking, running errands, and straightening up. I was also reminded, in my delirium of jet-lag, that playtime requires concentration and skill, whereas I kept wanting to put my head down. It also requires, ideally, your full attention–multi-tasking is generally impossible. I mostly observed but helped where I could figure out what needed to be done, shuttling everybody along from one meal, activity, nap to the next. Both girls are sick, and we were sneezed and coughed on throughout the day. Messy and neverending work and daunting to contemplate as a single mom.
At the same time, I was beside myself with the joy of cuddling with a book, getting the baby to smile, listening to imaginary stories with a ridiculous amount of creative detail, singing songs, watching these girls figure stuff out. Also, watching them interact with each other—the 3.5yo hugs and kisses her sister looking like she wants to eat her up and the baby lights up and starts screaming with delight every time her big sister engages her.
Today, my sister showed me an article in Parenting Magazine on single moms by choice, featuring (among others) a speech pathologist in San Francisco who had triplets solo. Yep, triplets. Solo. In the picture, the mom is smiling. She said she took things “one minute at a time,” and that every morning, she and her three toddlers name every one of their family and friends to remember how much they love them. An attitude of gratitude! If she can do it, I can do it (and, again, let’s not invoke the triplets). My eventual family household may not run like clockwork, but there will be lots of love, and joy.
ucsf and challenges and triplets
My appointment at UCSF was at 8am and I arrived a little early as directed, which turned out to be even earlier than the front desk staff. I sat down across from a sign with all the doctors’ names listed and realized that these people have become like celebrities to me–I knew at least one or two anecdotal facts about each one: Dr. Cedars is super amazing and the most highly recommended (no availability until June), Dr. Huddleston is fantastic as well (also a long wait), and Dr. Fujimoto will make you cry (I heard this from more than one former patient). The one doc I knew nothing about was the one with the earliest availability, and the one with whom I had an appointment today: Dr. Tran. Before long, I was ushered into his office.
Well, I just have to highly recommend Dr. Tran. He is easygoing, handsome, somewhat softspoken, neutral (not too harsh and not too cuddly either). The results, after an ultrasound, were good news. He said my ovarian reserve is eggcellent. Just kidding, he said, “Your ovarian reserve is excellent,” but he said it twice. Now I have a whole game plan to put in motion if round 1 is a no-go, including a bunch of tests, a psych evaluation (required whenever donors are involved–I asked if having a therapist counts and he said no), that tube test (HSG?), and then 3 months of natural IUI’s. Then, we’ll see where we are. He seemed totally unfazed by me being a single woman pursuing this on my own.
I sometimes forget, actually, that people might be fazed by this. It’s likely that some people around me at some point will be challenged by what I, and other single women in my situation, seem to be saying about the necessity and importance of men and fathers, not to mention the institution of marriage. Or some may feel that by choosing to do this, I am saying to parents, “I can totally handle this on my own whereas you were kind of a mess and complained a lot. And you have a husband.”
In truth, I have nothing but admiration for men, and dads, and MY dad, and people who manage to get married and stay married through parenthood and have a good thing going (and I’m not giving up on this either). And while I do not know the exhausted chaos and epic sacrifice of parenthood firsthand, I know enough to know approximately what I could be getting myself into. This could cause me to move, change careers, stop dating indefinitely, give up my interests for a while or permanently, spend my life savings, go into debt, etc. Probably not all of the above at the same time, though, except in the case of multiples–but even if I had triplets, I would bet money that my community would not allow me to go down in flames.
OK, let’s not invoke the triplets!!! I’m going to bed before this goes any further. I imagine I’m preaching to the unfazed anyway. Very thrilled about the UCSF plan and going into Day 26 with no clues about what’s going on in there now that I 100% do not trust messages from my body. Good night!
the solo mama project 