Category: Uncategorized

Posting from BWI where I am about to head to a 5-day meditation retreat with Tara Brach. Can’t believe the awesome timing of this. I signed up the day before learning I was pregnant…what foresight. Dharma talks, sitting, walking, nourishing food, yoga, and mostly silence. Time and space to contemplate this big new year ahead. This is why I will be unresponsive on the phone and interwebs until 1/1!

Just got the ultrasound report from UCSF and all is well with the baby- what great news and a relief to hear because I can tell you that ultrasound seemed pretty comprehensive. They wanted to let me know that the placenta is low, near the cervix, and they want me to do a follow-up at 28 weeks, most often it moves up, and I am not worried. Just happy the boy is fine!

A big Happy New Year to friends near and far, online or off, in close touch or not, wishing you all a 2014 full of love and beautiful moments. Ring it in big on my behalf- I’ll probably be sleeping 🙂

xo

BOY!

We had everyone together for the gift opening and the onesie came out blue (actually white with very pale blue letters and trim so no one was sure until I yelled IT’S A BOY! with tears rolling down my face).

It was everyone’s hunch confirmed, the first boy in two generations, it instantly felt right. My only real intuition was that boys’ names have been coming to me much more than girls’ names, and the amount of wild movement has made me picture a boy. I was awake in the night actively trying to stay ready for anything, but it was really starting to lean one way.

Many reasons to love a boy, most of all because he’s mine.

Here is the cutie!

So….we will be held in suspense a bit longer. My sister’s plane was held on the tarmac for 45 minutes and then her luggage was delayed just long enough that my nieces had just fallen asleep when she walked in the door.

Yes, I’m beside myself, but you know what? We’ll all be together in the morning and that’s just one sleep away. And it doesn’t change the outcome. So, the zen practice of patience continues. (My dad just suggested doing a sonogram of the box.)

Merry Christmas, all! Till tomorrow! xo

Feeling super great.

Features of this belly include very loud digestive rumbles, like a tractor driving by.

Here it is posed by the West Coast. Thanks, B!

Hey party people,

I had one busy work week working mad hours but am now rounding the corner to what looks like will be, Buddha willing, a calmer schedule. At this precise moment, however, I really need to go to bed as I am craving sleep deep in my tired bones, so I will save the intention to write more for a later (but not too much later) date.

Tonight’s brief update is that I am feeling great and my belly is growing and J is visiting from NYC! Although he and my sister and I were in the Dolo earlier today in the glowing fall sunlight, we forgot to take the belly shot. So, again, here I am in the evening next to a landmark placeholder, this one being the state of California being warmly embraced by a bear. Aka a bear hug.

Which is what I am virtually sending to each of you. More soon, for realz. xo

I’m sitting on the balcony at dusk, looking out at a calm Lake Michigan. The sky is a darkening gray with the exception of a dramatic streak of hot magenta across the horizon where the sun finished setting a little while ago. I’m in a tank top and cargo pants, barefoot. The breezes are warm in a way they never are in SF. Somewhere a ukalele is playing, faraway voices drift up from the beach, waves lap the shore.

I arrived two days ago and I’m still transitioning to vacation mode. Carving out nearly two weeks’ vacation requires quite a lot lot lot of preparation, especially when you intend to draw a hard line and really disconnect during the days off. I worked late, got in early, delegated like mad, finished my last important to-do item on the plane. I arrived exhausted and grateful for the time and space I managed to clear.

My mom and sisters are playing Bananagrams on the dining room table inside behind me. Through the window next to me I can see the TV on a financial channel and my dad’s feet. My nieces are finally sleeping upstairs.

Feeling gratitude. Still decompressing. How does one find the time and space to meditate on a family vacation? I intend to find out.

Tomorrow, a bunch of us are running in the Running Bear 5K. Speed is not my forte but it seemed like a great local event and a much harder/better version of my regular morning workout. (Speaking of which, have you guys heard of the 7 minute workout? I did it with my sister this morning and it was kind of amazing in its brevity and efficiency.)

Beyond spending time with family, I want to: sleep, write, read, run, hike, meditate, and do yoga. And nap. I envision more regular blogging.

My fertility journey feels like it’s out of the spotlight, even as I prepare for FET#2. Earlier this month, I pictured coming home feeling defeated, but it hasn’t even really come up. Maybe a couple of welcome hugs lasted a few seconds longer than usual, but that’s it. In the bigger picture, I’m still on track.

Just moved inside away from the mosquitoes, which means I will soon be sucked into this game of Bananagrams. Now everyone at the table is afraid that I will call them out on their made-up words, such as “bah” and “groovies.”

Still thrilled beyond belief about the new apartment, and still waiting for the actual lease which was supposed to arrive today over email. Landlord assures me the place is mine and the current tenant assures me that she didn’t sign a lease until she was already painting the place. Let’s just wait patiently with our fingers crossed for the legal documentation to follow the verbal agreement. The day I sign the lease I will unleash the details and begin planning dinner parties, chamber music nights, and SMC meetings.

AF arrived today, kicking off the cycle in which I will transfer. So, we’re getting closer.

Meanwhile, relaxing and expanding like one of those skinny little orange stick sponges from Trader Joe’s in a bucket of water. Forgive my sleepy metaphor as I jump in to take my mom’s place in Bananagrams.

And now I will transition on a dime from nonstop action-filled gogogo NYC with not a single moment to myself outside of sleep into a restful, meditative, peaceful oasis where I will be pulled into the present moment, my body, my breath, and the timeless California coast.

I have a lot more to say about it, but I have to hit the road! Because there’s no internet up there (a blessing), I’ll see if I can write some pre-post material, if I feel like it. Meanwhile, I’ll be clearing some mental space, focusing on me, gearing up for the big moment in approx 2.5 weeks. Yay.

Happy long weekend!

Has it really been 6 days since I last posted? It flew. I had one last 24-hr work trip and that wraps up my air travel in the foreseeable future. Can I even explain how much I love love love to be home? Every time my plane lands at SFO, my heart just swells even more with love and pride for my city. I am home. What a blessing.

I really don’t have a huge update tonight. Since returning from my last trip on Monday, I feel like things have calmed down a lot–my evenings are wide open. I come home, I relax. I watch West Wing episodes. I don’t put away my clean laundry in a pile on the loveseat. I’m waking up and putting my hands in prayer on my forehead and reminding myself to be grateful. As soon as I got to acupuncture tonight, I said thank you. I’m pretty sure I said thank you for my burrito as well before taking a bite, as I listened to Supreme Court comedy online (I say comedy because it practically had a laugh track.)

I am on my 3rd night of injecting Lupron, no bigs. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, but it’s quick. This part is designed to quiet down my ovaries, to give them a good rest and create a perfectly blank canvas on which to paint a bazillion new follicles in the next cycle. I don’t know what the side effects are of Lupron (which I think is a good thing) but I think they will be minimal while my ovaries go on a silent retreat.

This regimen will continue until Saturday when I stop taking the birth control pills, continue Lupron, and go for the baseline ultrasound next week. That’s the blank canvas appointment (hopefully). This week is so much calmer than last week without daily appointments and giant decisions. This part feels easy.

I feel kind of robotic too, less emotional. Following directions. My friend who was on the same exact pregnancy timeline as me before I miscarried just had her baby. I thought it would or could hit me hard…but it didn’t. I just feel like it wasn’t my time, my time is still ahead. I’m happy for them, excited to meet the baby. You never know how you’re going to feel.

I have 110% turned off my love life, online profiles deleted. It feels almost unnatural since I have never entirely closed that door, but my therapist and I came up with a good term for this: my dating life is “dormant.” It’s obviously a good time to shut it down. There is a peace in it, but also an invisibleness. Hey, cute guy next to me at the salsa bar putting salsa in tiny cups with giant ladles, can you even see me right now?.

I passed on older couple on the street tonight. My first thought: it would be so cool to have a long relationship and then be elderly and hip enough to stay in the city into retirement. Then I passed them and I heard her say with a tone of exasperation, “Yes. Now if you’d just let me finish…”

Sigh! That’s my alarm going off reminding me to inject and go to bed.

good night